Bot Picks: The Winner Is....?

From April 2, 2015, the Top Post Ever on this blog:

A to Z Challenge:  Bimbos!  I suppose because lots of people are searching for bimbos on the Internet.  Boy would this be a surprise.


In the Transformed series are not one but two books focusing on bimbos.  For my purposes a bimbo is a woman who looks really hot but isn't all that bright.

The first Transformed Into a Bimbo borrows heavily from my prior novel Chance of a Lifetime.  In the first story, a scientist is working on an anti-aging drug called FY-1978, which is the drug that turns Detective Steve Fischer into Stacey Chance in the novel.  Anyway, some animal rights protestors raid the lab to free the test animals and in the process the scientist gets dosed with the FY-1978.  He finds himself turning into a girl who gets increasing hot--and increasingly dumb.

The second story is basically a miniature version of Chance of a Lifetime.  A detective tries to foil a robbery at a pharmaceutical company and is shot with the drug, now going by the name Yunagin--Young Again, get it?  He turns into a young woman who then gets revenge on the criminals.

There are a couple of key differences.  First, Steve/Stacey is named Jake/Jackie Madigan; Jake is Steve's old partner in the Chances Are books.  Then of course Stacey looks like this:

You know, pretty much like a normal young woman.  Whereas Jackie looks like this:

Yowza!

Then there's how Jackie takes revenge.  Where Stacey pretty much fought them with guns and such, Jackie uses her body.  One guy is into S&M stuff so she uses that to her advantage and gets kind of creative.  You know, because this is supposed to be erotica.

Someone whined about the first book that the character should get into the sex more quickly, so I decided to give that a try with the sequel.  The first story is really short.  It's one of those classic Twilight Zone stories where a rich guy thinks he's going to cheat death by transferring his brain into his bimbo trophy wife, but gets more than he bargains for when he really starts turning into her.  If you read carefully you can see where Michael Offutt makes a cameo.

The second story was a lot longer.  It's one of those that sort of spun out of control a little.  Basically a janitor at a lab triggers a weird holodeck sort of thing and finds himself inside the holographic world as a character called "Naughty Nancy."  A scientist gets pulled in with him and together they jump through a few different scenarios as they struggle to escape.

The scenarios I based on some of my previous books, so they end up as schoolgirls, little girls, Goth girls, whores, fat girls, and geek girls.  That's part of why it ended up longer than I intended.  Fans of "Archer" will get the Dr. Krieger reference in the story.

And of course you can buy both on Amazon for the low low price of $2.99 each!

There you go.  We're done.  Now shut it down!  Until...whenever.  Happy New Year!

Bot Picks Runner-Up: Goliath is the Legal Thriller I Hoped "Better Call Saul" Would Be But Isn't

From October 24, 2016:

I remember five or six years ago I watched the (failed) pilot for a Zombieland series on Amazon Instant Video.  It was not good:  no name actors, low-budget effects, and a fairly blah story.  Since then Amazon has gotten a lot better with shows like Transparent, Mad Dogs, The Man in the High Castle, and The Tick.  Goliath is the latest addition to that list.  It's a legal thriller from David E Kelley, who knows his way around legal thrillers like LA Law, The Practice, Ally McBeal, and Boston Legal, plus other series like Picket Fences, Chicago Hope, etc.  He was a huge deal in the 90s and early 2000s, though I think he kind of fell off the radar a bit in the last ten years.  Like Kelley, most of the stars of the show were bigger stars 10-20 years ago like Billy Bob Thornton, William Hurt, and Maria Bello.  Still, it makes for a winning combination.

In the title I mentioned AMC's Breaking Bad prequel Better Call Saul.  I watched the first season and really wanted it to be good, but it wasn't.  Instead of actually focusing on low-rent lawyer Saul Goodman and any actual cases, they decided to do this whole lame prequel/origin story thing that was boring as shit.  The reason why 99% of prequels suck is they spend most of their time trying to build mythology and explaining useless shit (the origin of Wolverine's jacket, revealed at last!) so they don't have time to actually create a decent story.

So while they begin with something of the same premise--a low-rent lawyer who used to be part of a big firm and is now working out of a seedy motel and the bar next door--Goliath can actually tell a story instead of trying to tell us the origin of  Saul's loud wardrobe.  The story is pretty simple:  a boat blows up on the ocean and the guy on board is ruled to have committed suicide, except his sister doesn't think so.  At the behest of another ambulance chaser, she goes to Billy Bob Thornton, who basically starts out as his character from Bad Santa if he were a lawyer instead of a safe-cracker.  Really they could have called this Bad Lawyer if they'd wanted.  Anyway, he isn't willing to represent her, but then they sleep together and he takes the case against a weapons company who is represented by the big firm he helped to create but left after a murderer he defended went out and killed again.

The big firm is run by William Hurt with a Harvey Dent-type look of half his face being badly burnt.  He sits up in his office with the blinds closed while spying on everyone and listening to opera music.  It definitely makes for a creepy vibe.  As you'd expect there are a lot of high-priced assholes working for him, one of whom is Maria Bello, who also is Billy Bob Thornton's ex-wife (in the show).  Like Netflix's Jessica Jones there's a gratuitous lesbian attorney subplot involving Maria Bello and the head of the defense team for the weapons company.

From there the big law firm does pretty much everything they can to keep Billy Bob Thornton and his ragtag team from taking the case to trial and winning it.  They run over his client, frame him for a DUI (which included tazing his daughter), set up two witnesses on drug smuggling charges, and even put a dead body in his trunk.  He has some dirty tricks too like having a prostitute friend sleep with a cop to coerce some information from him.

So yeah neither side is squeaky clean, but that's the real world for you; it's never really black hats vs. white hats.  The case does eventually get to trial, where it's hampered by a judge doing everything possible to help the defense and an important witness who has a stroke.  Who wins?  You can watch to find out.

There were some things I don't think were really dealt with adequately:  who kills the mysterious "Karl Stoltz" for one thing.  How did William Hurt get burnt?  (A flashback like they do in Breaking Bad and Arrow would have been good there.)  Other than having slept with Billy Bob Thornton and the other side's lead attorney, Maria Bello doesn't really contribute a lot to the story.  And at the end there's a "hot mic" (or cell phone) moment that's a cliche I get tired of.  There are some unanswered questions, but that's for season 2, right?

If you have Amazon Prime you can watch the entire 8-episode season for free.  Unlike some of those old series on Amazon it's actually worth the time.

BTW, I was glad among all the dirty tricks, the bad guys didn't kill the stray dog Billy Bob Thornton was always feeding and even letting sleep in his room on cold nights.  I kept fearing someone was going to do a Godfather and leave the corpse in his bed or something.  Maybe they're saving that for next year.

Bot Picks 3: A New Year/A Hero's Journey

From April 1, 2012 (the first official post!)

It's day 1 of the A to Z Challenge and also Day 1 of my new author blog.  Gone are the grumpiness and bulldogs, though I know you're as sad as I am to see them go.

Anyway, in the short term at least the point of this blog is to sell my novel A Hero's Journey whenever it comes out.  I wish I had a cool book trailer or anything like that.  Instead I'll just give you a basic description of the story:

Cover by the excellent Rusty Webb

A 19-year-old genius named Emma Earl returns to her hometown of Rampart City to begin working her dream job at the Plaine Museum of Natural History.  On her first day, though, strange and terrible things begin happening, starting with the appearance of a slab of black mineral that no one--including her--can figure out what it is or where it came from.

The black object is just the precursor to an ancient evil that descends upon the city.  To oppose this evil, Emma is led to a suit of magic red plate armor that lets her become a hero known as the Scarlet Knight.  But even with the power of the armor, Emma might not be able to stop darkness from destroying the city.

If you want to learn more about the story, you can find all sorts of stuff on the Special Features page--look for the tab below the header graphic or click here.  We have character bios, deleted scenes, a guide to Rampart City, and the short story that started it all--Heart of a Hero.

At this point I don't know when the book is coming out, but I'd guess in summer sometime.  Until then I'll keep plugging away.  That's right, every letter in the A to Z challenge will relate to the book in some way.

Tomorrow, the origin of Emma's friend Becky Beech.

Bot Picks 4: Comic Captions 4: Not Safe for Work!

From October 3, 2012: (I sometimes wish this were still a thing.)

Comic book people must be some of the most sex-crazed people on Earth.  I mean you ever see those female heroes they draw with like the size 40-DD breasts and waists smaller than Barbie's?  And that most of their costumes look like a roll of dental floss strung over their naughty bits?  Anyway, if you don't believe me, check out this month's Comic Captions from Batman Confidential #18. 

My turn:
Batgirl: That's a big sack you've got there.

Man: You should see my other one.

Now your turn.  Caption this...if you dare!

Bot Picks 5: Two-Fer Tuesday #29: Sean Connery Storms A Crime Scene

From December 11, 2012:

It's Tuesday, which means another Two Fer Tuesday.  If you're not acquainted with the rules, I use a random number generator to pick a page and paragraph to pluck two sentences from.  Let's see what we get this week.

Page Number: 28
Paragraph Number: 7
OK, it's not really Sean Connery, just another pissed-off Scottish guy...

“What the hell is going on here?” he shouted  with an accent that reminded Donovan of Sean Connery.  At the moment his face was red and he was giving Sergeant Cielo all he could handle to keep the man from storming into the crime scene.  

If you want more than just two puny sentences, you can now get the book FREE on Amazon

Bot Picks 6: Transformed Into...A Complete Series! What I've Learned...

From December 10, 2014 (Note:  I added 12 more books in the series, plus a slew of holiday ones since then):

This might have been better for last Wednesday when everyone was doing their monthly whine.  Though really I'm not whining so much as celebrating, because the last of the Transformed gender swap books is done!

Of course last may not be accurate.  It's more like last for right now.  Basically I wrote 22 of them in almost six months and I need a little break.  22 books, 42 stories in total, and I have no idea how many hundreds of thousands of words is a lot even for me.  After a while you just need to chill out and take it easy.  Plus it's almost the holidays, so it's nice to be able to celebrate those without any self-imposed deadlines.

The last of the books, Transformed Into a Cougar Too, wasn't supposed to release until next Tuesday.  But for some reason Amazon locked it for "offensive content."  They reference some page that defines offensive content as "pretty much what you think that means."  Um, thanks guys.  Considering this is volume 20, I have no idea what would be so bad.  So I loaded it to Smashwords instead.  The penultimate one, Transformed Into a Bimbo Too, released yesterday.  I guess in theory then #20 was out before #19.  Oops.

I suppose the grand experiment worked out pretty well.  Up to last July I hadn't really written anything too "commercial" before.  The Chances Are books were probably the most commercially successful, though not to this extent.  Here are the things to take away from it:

• Find a niche market!  I didn't invent the idea of the gender swap story by a long shot.  Virginia Woolf might have with Orlando, or maybe not.  I'm not a literature scholar.  The point is you find a niche that actually has some demand.
• Be like everyone else! (Mostly)  I didn't invent the gender swap story and I didn't invent the format for how I did my stories.  I borrowed it from books I saw linked to Chance of a Lifetime on Amazon.  Reading a couple of those I just pretty much did what they did.  Check this out:

Note how similar the covers are!  Even the title format is pretty much the same.  I think her image is a little better with this one, though others of mine I think are better; it just depends on what stock photos you can find.  For my very first one I used somewhat similar story ideas from other books for the two stories in mine.  I'm not saying I plagiarized them; I just took the overall concepts and tweaked them my way.  And that's how I got a number of my story titles, by seeing what someone else was doing and doing one of my own.

• Kindle Unlimited is Awesome!  I don't use Kindle Unlimited and I wasn't sure how it work out for me, but it has been pretty awesome.  Generally I think around 40% of the money I get per month came from that.  That was 40% that I wasn't getting before.  Now maybe some of those borrows I get less for might have been sales, but maybe not.  Or they might have been sales that some asshole then "returned" a few minutes later.  The point is having another revenue stream is sweet.  If it destroys Smashwords, then too fucking bad; I don't hardly make jack off them anyway.
• Keep It Simple, Stupid!  What really annoyed me was seeing that Chance of a Lifetime was like 300 pages and FREE while these other books were in some cases like 16 pages long and going for $2.99--and with much higher sales ranks!  So when I did my own I tried to keep it much shorter than I'd usually write.  Still most ended up around 20,000-25,000 words.  I still can't write ten pages and pass it over as a "book" like some other people.  But yeah I did keep these a lot shorter than my other books.
• Give the Audience What It Wants (Or Die Trying)  When I wrote Chance of a Lifetime the girl Steve Fischer turns into is a pretty normal girl:  brown hair, average breasts, etc.  With these books that's no what you want to do.  Mostly I tried to give the audience what they would want, so I tended to exaggerate a lot.  Usually there's at least one blond, they've all got big racks (except the little girls), tiny waists, etc.  The idea is the guy always turns into a porn star.  Or well most of the time, but then titles where I didn't do that (Transformed Into a Geek Girl/MILF/Fat Girl) didn't really do as well.  When I did get a review of one the reviewer gave it 5 stars but complained the bimbo needed to get addicted to sex sooner.  So the next one (Transformed Into a Bimbo Too) that's what I set out to do, which ended up with the first story being a lot shorter and it actually took the second story in new directions.  Give people what they want, go with the lowest common denominator and you can't go wrong.  I mean it's worked out pretty well for Hugh Hefner and Seth MacFarlane so far.

I think the one area I still haven't done well in is connecting with an audience.  People might buy the books but I still hardly get any reviews.  Obviously you'd like reviews to help build some word of mouth.  Maybe it would help if Eric Filler had an online presence with an Email, Twitter, Facebook, etc. but you know how exhausting that would be?  Though that wouldn't explain why people don't review them.  If you say they don't actually read them then I don't know why they're buying them; and also as I said they aren't very long.  I haven't fulfilled my dream of becoming the Heisenberg of gender swap erotica either.  If you didn't watch Breaking Bad it means the guy whose product is so awesome that it blows everyone else's away.  Don't think it hasn't been for lack of trying.  I think I have some pretty unique concepts, not just the stereotypical "pissed off wife/lover makes husband/boyfriend into woman/little girl/etc for revenge."  The last story I wrote features "sex vampires"--make of that what you will.  But I suppose in that way I might have violated my own rules, because the cliche story probably would sell better.  I'm getting closer to staying in the lines, but still not completely.

Anyway, as I said this probably isn't the end of the series.  It's pretty easy to come up with ideas for these when you start putting your mind to it.  But I probably need some time to recharge.  Maybe I'll even get around to writing something more mainstream again.  Though after you do something that has even a slight amount of commercial success, it seems kind of pointless to go back to something that probably won't sell for shit just because it's more respectable.  Hey, I finally get Adam Sandler's career now!  I mean I can be like Tony Laplume, pumping out one thing after another that no one reads but I really do like seeing hundreds of dollars going into my account every month.  It has really come in handy on the road.

The other idea would be to go even less respectable.  Maybe find some other niche markets to explore.  I'm not sure what, but I'm sure I can find something on Amazon if I try hard enough.  That of course goes back to my first bullet point.  How low can I go?  Hurm.

Bot Picks 7: Superhero Trivia Question #2

From June 13, 2012
(BTW, the answers are Hawkman & Hawkgirl(woman))

 

It's the second Wednesday of the month and so today is the superhero trivia question.  I'm taking these from 1001 Comic Book Trivia Questions by Rich Meyer.  I'm not sure how great it is, but it was cheap and available for my Kindle.  Anyway, if you have a problem with the question or answer, it's his fault.

Without further adieu, here's the question:

"The shape-changing alien Byth was the first menace from which a pair of alien police officers defended the Earth.  What were their names?"

Answer in the comments.  First one to get it right gets a $5 gift card to Amazon in their email or Facebook.  (Again, I'm not mailing a $5 gift card.  I'm not sure Amazon would even let you do that.)

If you aren't first, never fear!  One respondent will be selected by random number generator to receive a $1 gift card.  Yes, you can give $1 gift cards.  Buy yourself a cheap eBook or MP3 or use it to get a dollar off something else.  The winner for this will be announced tomorrow.  The same person cannot win both gift cards because while that would be more convenient for me it wouldn't really be fair for everyone else.

Also I've decided on what I call the "Andrew Leon Rule" where the same person cannot win the trivia question each month.  So if you win this month you won't be eligible to win the $5 for another 3 months (until September).  But you can still win the $1 participation prize.  Andrew Leon is already disqualified this month for winning May's question.

Good luck!!!

Bot Picks 8: BIG Announcement

From October 26, 2012 (The links probably don't work for this book.  You can get my stories from it on Amazon)



I've tangentially mentioned that I've been working on a project with Neil Vogler for the last month or so now.  By this point he's probably announced we're doing something called the Flash Fiction Festival in conjunction with December House Publishing.

As the name implies it's four weeks in November with flash fiction every weekday from Me, Neil, and Sean Craven.  That's over 60 stories in all!  They cover all sorts of stuff.  I'm just going to tease the ones I did:

1. An intergalactic Gordon Ramsey takes on his newest project
2. A shocker in the Fantasy Love League
3. The city's best noir accountant gets a new client
4. The frustrations of being a female yeoman on an Enterprise-type ship
5. A soldier tries to make it back for one last dance
6. A bulldog mascot helps someone find true love
7. Time travel gets dangerous for a conman
8. A meeting of supervillains turns deadly
9. The dead have risen...to rent videotapes?
10. A vampire has had enough of the stereotypes
11. A story of boy meets girl...but the girl is a dragon!
12. On a planet of robots, one dreams of becoming a Transformer, with disastrous consequences
13. A trip to the dentist turns deadly!
14. A pair of socks hold the key to the Sox making the playoffs
15. Godzilla goes on vacation to Japan
16. A young goddess combats bullying
17. Fairy tale land's best divorce lawyer takes on a new client
18. Christmas brings together two warring sides during WWII
19. A man sick of sharing his birthday with the JFK assassination takes drastic steps
20. God decides to finally retire
21. Two young witches are brought together to fight evil
22. Timeless love and reincarnation at Starbucks

(BTW, it turns out only 20 of these will be posted in November.  I don't know which 2 are being dropped from the rotation.  Those two, plus one other I haven't written yet will be included in the eBook version as "bonus" material.)

Meanwhile, on this blog I'll have a whole prequel series of Scarlet Knight flash fiction!  Kind of like those old serials, it's a series of short connected stories that tell how the Scarlet Knight and Black Dragoon came to be.

The "Volume 0" is inspired by DC Comics, who have twice printed #0 prequel issues for like all their titles.  Since this is before Volume 1, it's Volume 0!  Wow.

BTW, I know people hate Sims so here's the prototype cover with real people:

Maybe that would have looked better if I'd cleaned it up a little, but it would have cost me like $13 to buy the images.  Nuts to that.  Say what you want, but Sims are FREE!

Anyway, if you're looking for a break from Nano writing and people blathering about Nano writing, there's going to be a ton of flash fiction to read every weekday in November!

You might wonder:  how does that affect this blog?  Excellent question!  The trivia question will air at its normal time--November 14 at 9am EST.  The rest of the normal stuff--Two-Fer Tuesday, Phony Photos, Comic Captions, Practical Superheroism, Everyday Heroes, Thursday Reviews--will go on hiatus until December.  I'm sure you'll miss them as much as I do.

BTW, if you want my "autograph" or virtual autograph really, you can now go to Kindlegraph and request one from Yours Truly.  Exciting stuff!

Bot Picks 9: A to Z Challenge 26: Zaftig Girls

From April 30, 2015:

I was kind of flummoxed for a Z word.  I mean it's not like I wrote Transformed Into a Zebra...yet.  Or Transformed Into a Zookeeper!  Transformed Into a Zombie!  That has some potential.  Transformed on a Zeppelin! The sky's the limit there...or not.

I was looking up words in the dictionary and came across zaftig, which means fat.  I just so happen to have a book called Transformed Into a Fat Girl.  This was one of my wackier ideas.  I had heard about "chubby chasers" and so thought maybe there'd be some interest in a gender swap book with fat girls.  Yeah, not so much.  Despite that, I think these are two pretty good stories!

The first story was actually the second one I wrote.  I decided since it was shorter to put it first so as not to bore the audience too much.  It's about a male fashion critic during Fashion Week who laments how there's just no hot girls to be had anymore!  A woman asks him about his perfect woman and he describes her only to look in the mirror and see he's become her!

At first he thinks it's really awesome to be a supermodel.  And why not?  He's hot, got an awesome apartment, and a sexy professional baseball player boyfriend.  But the next morning he wakes up carrying a few extra pounds.  The next day it's even worse...and so on.  Sort of like that Stephen King story/movie Thinner--only the opposite.

The second story takes more of a sci-fi tack.  In the near future if you have enough money you can transfer your brain into another body.  An old widower has scrimped and saved to get his brain put into a sexy young body.  Except something goes wrong during the surgery and he ends up waking up as a chubby young woman!  Another chubby young woman helps him to adjust to his new life, but when memories from his new body's past start surfacing, it means that mayhem is about to ensue!  Did you ever see "Idle Hands?"  It's sorta like that, only less Jessica Alba and Seth Green.

Obviously this hasn't done well enough to warrant a sequel.  Erotica buyers are so fucking shallow.

You can buy it for $2.99 on Amazon.

Well, that's the whole show.  Anyone who read all 26 entries (besides me) and still visits this blog is a saint in my book.  Now we can get back to the usual schedule of blogging about...whatever.  It was kind of easier this month since I didn't have to keep thinking of random stuff.  I work better with a theme, as this month should have demonstrated not only with blogs, but also with books.

And for all of you whining about how hard this was, I finished on March 27!  Really, write your entries in advance.  I don't give a shit if some dork says it's "cheating."  It's not cheating; it's smart.  I always write blog entries ahead of time, so why would I stop now?  Duh.  But then not everyone is unemployed and has no family or social life to bother them.  I feel your pain.

Bot Picks 10: Thursday Review: Batman Knightfall

From August 2, 2012:

By now you've probably already seen The Dark Knight Rises and you've maybe even read my review of it.  So now I think I can talk about the story that at least partially inspired the movie without feeling like I'm "spoiling" things for people.  Though really when I talk about the Knightfall comic book series I might mush it together with the novelization I actually read first.  There are some things in the novelization not in the comics and vice versa.

Anyway, even though until 1993 or so I'd read exactly one Batman comic in my life (it was this one where he fights some hockey player guy; somehow a tattered copy of it ended up in my closet along with part of a '60s Superman comic where he goes back in time somehow) for some reason I became obsessed with the Knightfall story.  Not obsessed enough to actually BUY any comics.  I mean back then I was like 14 and the only money I had came from mowing my grandma's yard (10 big ones!) or if I embezzled my lunch money, which was maybe another $5.

Which actually makes me wonder where the hell I'd even heard what was going on in Batman comics in the first place.  I mean this was before Al Gore had invented the World Wide Web so I couldn't even go to Wikipedia and read about it.  It was probably from going to Waldenbooks (remember when that was a thing?) or the used book store.  Though now that I think of it, I remember they ran a story on it on "Today" back when I still watched that on occasion.  That might have been what got me started.

Anyway, I think what fascinated me was the idea of the hero LOSING.  And not losing because he sacrifices himself to save a bunch of people or something like that but losing because the bad guy actually outthinks and outmuscles him.  In other words, the bad guy actually bests Batman.

So when I got around to reading the novelization (I realized later the writing is crap but the story is good), I fell in love with it even more.  The basic story goes that in this crappy Latin American island prison called Santa Prisca is this guy named Bane.  He breaks out of prison and goes up to Gotham.  He finds out from his minions (three dudes with goofy names:  Bird, Trogg, and Zombie) that Batman is all the shit in Gotham.  Bane does a little studying on the Batman and comes up with a brilliant way to destroy Batman.  [Incidentally, the full backstory of Bane is in the "Vengeance of Bane" comic that I'll review in a couple of weeks.  Because I can.]

The first thing he does is stage a raid on Arkham Asylum where most of Batman's old foes are: the Joker, Two-Face, the Riddler, and so forth.  (But not the Penguin, who was in Blackgate Prison I guess.)  Batman manages to catch a few of the crazies during the raid but the worst ones get free.

So now Batman has to go around chasing after all these bad guys at the same time.  Needless to say this gets pretty tiring.  After one of these battles, Bane watches the Batmobile and figures out which neighborhood it's going to.  Then he deduces that Bruce Wayne is the Batman.

From there he busts his way into the Batcave, where Bruce was trying in vain to get a little shut eye.  There's a somewhat anticlimactic battle between them, where Bane just whoops the hell out of Batman.  Finally, he lifts Batman up and then brings him down over his knee, breaking Batman's back.  In the novelization it says at the last second Batman is able to turn a little so his spine isn't like completely severed.

To add insult to injury, Bane takes Batman into Gotham and then chucks him into a crowd or something.  In the novelization it's kind of funny because he takes Batman to this street corner where there's only one old lady who witnesses him declaring himself the king of Gotham.

So there you go, our hero has lost.  Batman is defeated, and pretty handily too.  Of course like many comic book villains before him, Bane made the mistake of leaving Bruce Wayne alive instead of just killing him.  I mean it probably would have gone differently if he had killed Bruce before he could tap a successor.

Probably the biggest contrivance in this whole storyline is that Bruce doesn't tap Dick Grayson (Nightwing, formerly original Robin) to replace him.  Instead he picks this Jean-Paul Valley guy, who was an assassin known as Azrael.  [I'll talk more about him in 3 weeks.  Again, because I can.]


Anyway, so Jean-Paul becomes the new Batman.  He has problems like he doesn't know how to drive well, he hates Robin (score one for him!), and he struggles with Batman's whole not killing thing since Azrael was an assassin who obviously killed people.  Also when he tangles with the Scarecrow and gets a whiff of fear gas he starts to go nuts, thinking he hears this phony St. Dumas (the patron saint of the Azrael people) talking to him.

But thanks to going crazy he designs a new Batsuit that is wicked cool.  I have him standing right on my desk as I'm typing this.  The new Batsuit was designed more like the Azrael suit, which is more armor-y or kind of robotic-looking.  It has these cool dart guns and even flamethrowers.  Yes, flamethrowers!  Instead of a cape he has all these kind of partitions that form wings.  The problem at least with the new Batsuit (AzBats as some people call it) is that it's really top heavy.  To get him to stand on a stand I took from the Nite Owl II Watchmen figure I bought I have to bend his knees to give him more balance.

And here reenacting Knightfall are my Batman action figures.  You have old Bruce Wayne Batman on the ground with Bane standing over him.  To the left is the new Batsuit Jean-Paul designs.  This was the latest (and most accurate) figure.  To the right are two older versions of AzBats that I bought at some point.  The little blue one I got in about 1996 as part of a Legends of Batman two-pack along with Viking Batman (not pictured).  The red one was part of some set I bought online that included the old Batman on the ground there, regular Superman, and "Superman Red" which was part of a cheesy late 90s plot where Superman was some kind of energy being.  Anyway, the AzBats figure in that set actually had a blackish cape and head, which made no sense since that was never how it was depicted in the comics.  So I repainted it red, which sort of matches how he looks at the end of the Knightsend series.  Also, for the Bane figure I bought a Legends of the Dark Knight version from the mid-90s but the head was really stupid-looking (it had long hair and the mask didn't look right) so I chopped off his head and then online I found a replacement head from the newer figure (in the same set as the AzBats on the left) that you could only get complete if you bought all six figures in that set, which would have been a lot more expensive.  His pants should really be black and the tubes bright green but the hell with that.  So that should give you an idea how deep my obsession with this is.


Anyway, with his kickass new suit, AzBats goes out looking for Bane, even though Bruce Wayne told him not to.  There's a climactic fight, where of course the new Batman wins.  Hooray!

Except you know that Jean-Paul's reign couldn't last.  I mean they made the dude crazy and gave him a French name.  So they pretty much set him up for failure right there.

Anyway (yet again) I loved this storyline.  As I said at the beginning, I think it was a different way to look at things.  Also, though, Bane was a great villain in the comics.  He was not only really strong but he was smart too.  One of the many things that disappointed me with "Batman & Robin" was that they made Bane this idiot henchman for Poison Ivy.  I suppose a lot of the problem was being super strong it was hard in 1997 to cast someone who could look the part.  (That and Joel Schumacher is a moron.)  I mean back then if you wanted someone with lots of muscles they couldn't really act.  (See Bane's co-star Ahhh-nold Schwarzenegger for an example.  Or Lou Ferigno in "The Incredible Hulk.")  Of course nowadays with computers you can make a regular-sized guy look huge, which is how Mark Ruffalo can be the Hulk in "The Avengers."  At least in "The Dark Knight Rises" Bane gets his balls back, even if you can only understand half of what he's saying.

If you ever buy the paperback reprints of the series (I had to buy at least one used because it was out of stock or just really expensive on Amazon) it comes in two volumes.  The first volume deals with Bruce Wayne being broken and the second volume deals with Jean-Paul kicking Bane's ass.  What sucks though in volume 2 is a sizable chunk of it is actually a flashback to when Bruce's Batman fought Two-Face.  That seemed kind of dumb; why didn't they just put that in volume 1?  I think too the story in the comics might not have been quite as epic as I'd built it up to be in my own brain, but it still makes for fun reading.

And you know if you just saw the movie, you might want to see how the original went, right?

If I ever publish the entire Scarlet Knight series, the sixth story (which incidentally is my favorite) is largely inspired by Knightfall.  Part of it is set in an alternate future where an aging Emma gets whupped on by a new breed of Black Dragoons.  One of them severs her spine so that she's left paralyzed.  Her daughter Louise then hears "the Call" to become the next Scarlet Knight and like Jean-Paul she struggles with the superhero gig and her predecessor's legacy.  Though unlike him she isn't crazy, so she's got that going for her.  Maybe its close relation to Knightfall is why I like it?  Hurm...