Friday, March 29, 2013

"Thursday" Review: Brazil

Since today is Good Friday, I posted the Box Office Blitz yesterday so today is the review originally scheduled for then.
 
This is another of my grumpier reviews.  You know, I think the late John Updike was a great writer.  His Rabbit Angstrom series of books are tremendous, especially the third one "Rabbit is Rich."  But even great authors can pen a stinker.  Of course some people accuse me of not GETTING this book.  No, I GOT it; it just sucked.

Brazil
by John Updike
(1/5 stars)

I've read a number of Updike's books and I can honestly say this is the worst I've read. This has to be one of the worst books I've ever read, period. It's only made worse by the author's stellar track record otherwise.

For a story that's supposed to be a retelling of "Tristan and Isolde"--a precursor to "Romeo and Juliet"--this book is as romantic as a night at a strip club and as tragic as wearing two different socks. From my count Isabel fathers 5 children whose father is most likely NOT Tristao. That tells you all you need to know about the romance. As for the tragedy, both characters had less personality than a Brazil nut, so why should I care? By page 200 I'd have killed one of them myself if it meant an end to this horrible book.

Here's a summary of the plot: Tristao is black. Isabel is white. They meet on a beach in Rio. They go back to her uncle's place so she can lose her virginity. Over the next few months they have sex a bunch more times. When her father gets upset about their relationship, they run off to Sao Paolo and have lots more sex on a sort of honeymoon. She's captured by hired goons and he spends two years making Volkswagen Beetles until he rescues her and they go off into the wilderness where he becomes a gold miner and she proceeds to have sex with anyone who will pay--and in the process fathers the first two children who are likely not Tristao's. He finds a big gold nugget that brings heat down on them so they flee into the jungle. (Here the story really begins to go off the rails.) Their two children are taken away by hostile natives and never seen again. Then Tristao and Isabel are captured by some kind of warrior-missionaries and Tristao is enslaved to make canoes while Isabel becomes the head warrior-missionary's third wife. She gives birth to her new husband's child--who is mentally challenged--while having relations with the guy's second wife all while Tristao continues to toil away for the next three years. She finally goes to see a shaman so she can free Tristao by switching races with him. So now she is black and he is white. They head back towards civilization, having a lot of kinky sex on the way. Eventually they return to her father in Brasilia, who seems to convince himself that his daughter just got a really great tan in the jungle. Tristao becomes a middle-manager in a textile factory. Isabel becomes a docile wife, giving birth to the one child who might be Tristao's. Then she grows bored and has a fling with a tennis instructor, giving birth to twins who are definitely not Tristao's. (He maybe has a few flings of his own in the meantime.) And then after a dozen years one of them goes on a walk and dies. The end.

That's what the story is, more or less. You talk about the societal issues and allegories and whatnot, but what I described above is the actual content of the story. It's not about love; it's about SEX. These two people are faithful to each other only until someone else walks by. It's not tragic, unless you think (like I do) how much better off these two would have been never having met. The plot itself becomes ridiculous and the last 50 pages tedious.

I am actually feeling in quite a funk now as I write this. This book surpasses disappointment to a level of utter revulsion. You can say I'm a prude or a simpleton, that I don't GET it, in which case we'll have to agree to disagree. I have no use for this book and I deeply regret wasting time to read about two people for whom I have nothing but contempt. If this is any kind of portrait of the human spirit...it's better not to contemplate that thought.

Tomorrow is another Box Office Blitz!

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Box Office Blitz Week 12

Since Friday is Good Friday, I decided to change things up this weekend.  So today you can get your picks in for Box Office Blitz and tomorrow will be the "Thursday" Review.

 It's time to play some Box Office Blitz!  It's the game where you try to pick the top 3 movies at the box office for the weekend.  For each one you get right you get 50 points and a bonus 50 if it's in the correct spot.  A 500 point bonus goes to the winner of the round.  The end prize is a $25 gift card to somewhere--I'll let the winner pick, as long as it's something I can buy online; I mean I'm not going to drive a thousand miles to buy a gift card to your favorite fro-yo shop or something.

Anyway, since it's a holiday weekend and we're all busy, let's get to it.

Now then, here's the list from my local megaplex (* indicates a new release):


  • 21 and Over
  • A Good Day to Die Hard
  • Admission
  • Argo
  • Django Unchained
  • Escape from Planet Earth
  • GI Joe:  Retaliation*
  • Identity Thief
  • Inappropriate Comedy
  • Jack the Giant Killer
  • Olympus Has Fallen
  • Oz the Great & Powerful
  • Quartet
  • Safe Haven
  • Side Effects
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Snitch
  • Spring Breakers
  • The Call
  • The Croods
  • The Host*
  • The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
  • Tyler Perry's Temptation* (as opposed to anyone else's Temptation playing this week)
  • Warm Bodies
Well I've been in a real cold streak lately.  I have at least been getting the #1 movies (I think) but I'm going to put that on the line this week.  I'm going to say:

  1. The Croods $35M
  2. The Host $28M
  3. GI Joe $25M 
My rationale being that it's Easter and I think the kid's movie will fare better.  I don't feel strongly about The Host or GI Joe (which was supposed to release last summer like Jack the Giant Killer and see how well that went) but I guess they each might have big fan bases.  So does Tyler Perry, so it wouldn't surprise me if I'm wrong not to include that.  Anyway, you're probably better off not picking what I'm picking based on recent evidence.

OK, now I'm going to spice up the bonus question by making it worth 400 points this week so maybe some of y'all can catch up a little--if you're right.  And to borrow from "Pardon the Interruption" on ESPN we're going to play a little Over/Under:

Over or Under 151 points for Me on this round?

(And me, means ME aka the host of this blog.  Me does not mean YOU.  So basically if you think I'll get less than 151 points you go Under or if you think I'll get more you go Over.  And it's 151 so there's no push.)

So make sure to include your bonus answer with your picks.

The results will probably post Monday morning, or possibly late on Sunday depending on when I get home from Easter festivities.

Good luck!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

March Recap


My two-pronged BIG ANNOUNCEMENT has fallen behind (for some reason) Box Office Blitz Week 10 as the highest viewed post this month.  I have no idea why a game only 6 people played is so highly viewed, except probably robots searching for certain movie titles.

Looking back for no reason the most popular posts of all time on this blog are:
  1. My guest post from author Melissa Foster
  2. My first A to Z post announcing the blog (it was pretty much downhill from there!)
  3. My Batman:  Knightfall post
  4. My Spooky Halloween post (involving Batman covers)
  5. And More Thoughts on The Dark Knight Rises
So basically Batman fans love me.  Oddly my review of "Post Office" that aired the day after February's recap has more views than anything this month.  Probably robots searching for stuff about the post office.

And now here are some mini-reviews for your viewing pleasure:

Dead Man Down:  I saw this in the theater for no reason except it seemed like a relatively competent action movie and I had already seen Die Hard 5.  And I wasn't disappointed.  It starts out with Colin Farrell working for a gangster named Alphonse (Terrence Howard).  He meets his neighbor in a building next door Beatrice (Noomi Rapace) who has a scarred-up face from a car accident. Any hopes of this being a happy little tale are quickly dashed when on their first date she asks him to visit the house of the drunk driver who ruined her face so Colin Farrell can whack him.  Meanwhile Colin Farrell has an elaborate revenge scheme going that's sort of "The Count of Monte Cristo" meets "The Departed."  It was all pretty decent until the improbable gun battle at the end.  There was one really gross part where he tortures a guy with rats, something similar to what the Scarlet Knight does to Don Vendetta in Volume 7.  Once again I was ahead of the curve.

The Dark Knight Returns Pt 2:  This didn't really make me appreciate the graphic novel any more.  The part at the end with Superman always seems tacked on to me.  It's more confusing in the movie than the graphic novel why Reagan is still president.  Is it like "Watchmen" where they overturned the two-term limit?  Or is it supposed to be 1985 really?  Of course Reagan's been dead for a while now so that wouldn't make sense in present day.  They changed the David Letterman-type talk show host to avoid much similarity so I don't know why they couldn't change the president, maybe to George W instead of Reagan; then they could have kept all the cowboy references in.

The Master:  This was an interesting movie, though I'd say it's probably my least favorite PT Anderson movie to date.  It never felt like it went anywhere to me.  At the beginning Joaquin Phoenix is an alcoholic sex fiend (who even makes a girl in the sand to screw, which was pretty awesome) and at the end...he's still an alcoholic sex fiend.  So what was the point of all that time he spent with "Master?"  Or was the point that "Master" was really not a master of anything except screwing money out of people?  Anderson's previous "There Will Be Blood" had a similarly lethargic plot, but that movie was still better thanks to Daniel Day-Lewis's intensely evil oil baron character.

Take Me Home:  This was a nice little indie romantic comedy.  It involves an implausible setup where a woman who's found out her dad just had a heart attack finds her husband at home in the middle of the day with his bimbo secretary...but all their clothes are on.  Still, she sees the handwriting on the wall and gets in a cab that's actually a fake cab driven by a guy who's just been evicted.  She tells him to just drive and decides since she doesn't like to fly they'll just drive to California to see her dad.  It's kind of a Pretty Woman setup where she agrees to pay the cabbie a huge sum of money.  And thus the road trip begins!  You can probably guess how it ends.  Really just once the movie should end with the woman staying with the rich douchebag instead of the sensitive poor guy.  That's real life.  The funniest parts are actually in the beginning and end when the lady's secretary talks matter-of-factly about her boyfriend putting a pillowcase over her head and bending her over for sex or going to a party where everyone gets into a cage and pretends to be animals--like these are everyday occurrences.  Maybe in New York they are.  Since the two leads in the movie have the same last name I assume they're married in real life.  If they were brother and sister that would be really weird.  And then apparently their kids (or maybe nieces/nephews) show up in the credits as Brat #1, Brat #2, Brat #3.  There's some good parenting.

End of Watch:  This compares mostly to "Training Day" except neither cop is actually evil.  Basically it's about two beat cops in LA over the course of a few months.  They get into a couple of dust-ups with a Mexican gang.  Eventually the Mexicans put a hit out on them, which leads to some unpleasantness.  It is a good gritty crime drama even with the improbable twist at the end.

The Whistleblower:  The UN apparently didn't watch "Lethal Weapon 2" or else they would have realized giving all the peacekeepers in Bosnia diplomatic immunity back in the 90s would lead to a lot of bad shit.  In this case, human trafficking.  Unfortunately Rachel Weisz isn't Liam Neeson, so she doesn't kill 50 people in the course of 48 hours to free the kidnapped girls.  This does help show that all the stuff Halliburton got up to in Iraq in the 2000s wasn't anything new.  Government contracted security had been screwing people (literally in many cases) for years!  Probably the greatest part is the twist involving David Straithairn's character at the end.  It totally suckered me.

Bringing Out the Dead:  Probably not the most well-known Scorsese movie, but it was great.  Also a great reminder that before he just started to do any lame action movie to pay his bills Nicolas Cage was once a decent actor.

Butter:  I can honestly say this is the greatest movie about butter carving I've ever seen.  it focuses on two families and the intense rivalry over a butter sculpting contest in Iowa.  On one side is Jennifer Garner, who is the wife of a world-renowned butter sculptor who is finally stepping down from the limelight.  So Jennifer Garner enters the contest in his place because she has aspirations of becoming the governor and then maybe president.  On the other side is Destiny, a little black girl who's been passed around from one foster home to another and eventually ends up in the home of Rob Cordray and Alicia Silverstone, who really needed to pay someone to laser the wart off her forehead.  Destiny discovers she has a gift for butter carving, which puts her on a collision course with Jennifer Garner.  They finally have an epic butter carving duel thanks in part to Hugh Jackman as a weaselly car dealer.  It was fairly predictable but lighthearted fun.  Though the Goth stripper played by Olivia Wilde makes it not really a family movie.

And here's another one from the vault.  Andrew Leon talked about Tucker & Dale vs. Evil on his blog and I decided to watch it.  Ironically it was after I had watched "Reaper" and "Firefly" on DVD as it stars Wash from "Firefly" and Sock from "Reaper."  Anyway, it's probably the best horror spoof I've seen since "Shaun of the Dead."  What makes it better than the "Scary Movie" type spoofs is that it doesn't just regurgitate the material from popular movies.  Like "Cabin in the Woods" it mocks the old set-up of a bunch of college kids going to a lonely cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Only unlike "The Cabin the Woods" there's not a surprise twist at the end that ruins it.  The movie does a great job of sending up the plucky college kids vs. redneck killers scenario by reversing things.  Through a comedy of errors the rednecks (the eponymous Tucker and Dale) aren't actually killing the college kids; it just seems that way to the college kids, whose leader Chad gets increasingly psychotic.  Basically if you like horror movies then this is a really fun movie.  It is hopefully still on Netflix.

Next month will involve some more shameless plugging and the big reveal of the Scarlet Knight action figures.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Two-Cent Tuesdays: Keeping It Real

This is another of those things where I wish I'd kept the link to the article I'd read because now I have no idea what it was or where it was or when I read it.  Anyway, around the time The Hobbit Part 1 (of 999999) came out, I read an article where some critic was complaining about the new technique the movie used of high-speed 3D film.  In his mind it was TOO REAL.

As I read it, I could sort of understand what he was getting at.  Maybe we're not at the point he was warning about yet, but at some point we might with all this newfangled technology.  That point is where the film becomes so clear that every little imperfection or blemish will be visible and thus make it impossible to immerse yourself in the fantasy of the film.

What the guy meant, to summarize, is that eventually it would be hard to mask the fact the actors are wearing makeup or prosthetic parts or are carrying fake swords.  Then it'd be like if you were sitting onstage watching a play.

On some level this kind of thing already happens.  I mean watch some of those old movies from the 80s (even the Star Wars movies) and there are places where you can see how fake the effects are.  The tauntauns in Empire are a good example--why did they not fix those in the "Special Edition?"  Then in 90s movies where they just started to use CGI you can tell where a lot of it is being used.

Even in movies from this century it still happens.  I remember watching the X-Men Origins:  Wolverine movie and there were parts where it was so obvious they were shooting in front of a green screen.  When you start to notice that it's hard to just kick back and enjoy the movie.  And really just watch one of those Syfy Original movies with their terrible effects.  Yikes!

So the point I think the critic was making and that I'm making is that sometimes things can get too real.  It's nice to want to make things clearer and sharper, but you don't want it to get to the point where the audience can't just enjoy the story anymore.

I'm sure that's a good point for writing too.  I mean most dialog as it's written in books isn't reflective of "real" life.  There aren't as many awkward pauses and ums and uhs and so forth.  And sometimes someone might try to do that or do that stream of consciousness thing and it gets to be really annoying to the reader.  Because to a large extent we don't want REALITY in our stories.  Very often we don't want reality at all.  Not to say that you shouldn't ever do any research and just do whatever you want, because if the story is set in modern times on this planet, people expect a little bit of realism.  It's the old "suspending disbelief" thing.

Tread carefully.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Comic Captions 3/25/13

It's time for another Comic Captions, where your job is to recaption a comic book panel.  The goal of course is to make it as humorous as possible.

This week's comes from The Return of Bruce Wayne Pt 1


As always I'll go first:
Caveman:  Now I really wish I did have GEICO...

Now it's your turn!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Box Office Blitz Week 11 Results

Well I was half-right.  Family movies again dominated.  Though I completely underestimated "Olympus Has Fallen."  Not sure why it had such a big weekend while pretty much every other action movie this year didn't.  Maybe it's just the appeal of Morgan Freeman.  It seems as good a theory as any.

So the results were:
Croods $44.7M
Olympus $30.4M
Oz $22M

My sucky picks were:
  1. The Croods $35M
  2. Oz $25M
  3. Admission $15M 
I get 100 for Croods and 50 for Oz.

Briane Pagel picked:
1. The Croods: $40million
2. Spring Breakers $24 million
3. Oz $20 million.

That's 100 for Croods and 100 for Oz for 200 total.

Tony Laplume picked:
1. The Croods ($40 mil)
2. Oz the Great and Powerful ($20 mil)
3. Olympus Has Fallen ($15 mil)

That's 100 for Croods and 50 apiece for the other two so also 200 points.

 Maurice Mitchell picked the same as Tony:
The Croods ($40 million)
Oz the Great and Powerful ($20 million)
Olympus Has Fallen ($18 million)

So also 200 points.

Andrew Leon picked:
1. Olympus -- $42m
2. Croods -- $38m
3. Oz -- $20m

He gets 50 for Olympus and Croods and 100 for Oz for 200 total.

And lastly our upset winner of the week, Michael Offutt, who finally played for real and nailed the trifecta:
1. Croods $40.5 million
2. Olympus has Fallen. $22 million
3. Oz the Great. $20.9 million

That's 300 plus the 500 point bonus for 800 total.

As for the bonus question, Inappropriate Comedy failed to make even the top 10 so the answer was LESS than $5M.  Maurice and Briane both guessed that.  I flipped a coin and it came up on Maurice.  So he gets 100 points extra.

The updated scores:

Box Office Blitz

Scoreboard





11 Total
Tony Laplume 200 4400
Andrew Leon 200 3350
PT Dilloway 150 2950
Rusty Carl 0 2250
Briane Pagel 200 1750
Maurice Mitchell 300 1400
Michael Offutt 800 1400
Stephen Hayes 0 700
Donna Hole 0 200
David P King 0 200

1850 18600

Friday, March 22, 2013

Box Office Blitz Week 11

The last two weeks we've had a couple of upset winners in Rusty Carl and Briane Pagel.  So if you think this is over in Week 11 then you are dead wrong.  I mean come on there are still 40 weeks left to go!  We're not even to the halfway point.  So don't think just because you're on the outside right now that you can't get into the thick of it.

And if you're not sure what this is, it's a pretty simple game.  You try to pick the top 3 movies of the weekend's box office and how much they will make.  You get 50 points for each movie you guess that lands in the top 3 and 50 bonus points if it's in the right spot.  A 500 point bonus is awarded to the winner.

Now then, here's the list from my local megaplex (* indicates a new release):

  • 21 and Over
  • A Good Day to Die Hard
  • Admission*
  • Argo
  • Dead Man Down
  • Django Unchained
  • Escape from Planet Earth
  • Identity Thief
  • Inappropriate Comedy*
  • Jack the Giant Killer
  • Les Miserables
  • Life of Pi
  • Mindless Behavior 
  • Olympus Has Fallen*
  • Oz the Great & Powerful
  • Quartet
  • Safe Haven
  • Side Effects
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Snitch
  • Spring Breakers*
  • The Call
  • The Croods*
  • The Incredible Burt Wonderstone
  • Upside Down*
  • Warm Bodies
  • Zero Dark 30
Oz has ruled the box office the last two weeks, which shows the power of family movies.  And it's been a pretty bad year for action movies.  Not only that, but it's March Madness time, so dudes are more likely to be at home or the sports bar watching basketball than in a movie theater.  (Keep that in mind next week for GI JOE's opening.)  So I will guess:
  1. The Croods $35M
  2. Oz $25M
  3. Admission $15M
Put your picks in the comments.  And be sure to answer this week's bonus question as well, which is worth 100 points to someone who doesn't win the round.  Here's this week's bonus question:

Lame, raunchy comedy "Movie 43" flopped with $5M its opening weekend.  Will the lame, raunchy "Inappropriate Comedy" make MORE or LESS than that this weekend?

The results will be posted Sunday.  Good luck!

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Thursday Review: Fridgularity

(A bit of Blogger business:  if you note below the headers you can see the Page tabs again!  So you can get back to the Special Features or read my stupid bio or go to the website from whist you can buy my books if you are so inclined.)

This is one of the few book reviews I wrote where someone offered me a free copy of the book to read.  Thusly I might have been a little generous in my review.  Some of you a-holes out there could learn from that.

Fridgularity
by Mark Rayner
(4/5 stars)

I think I would have enjoyed this a little more if I hadn't been so busy the last few weeks I hardly had time to read it at all, which made it seem to take forever.  My main criticism is that the book is on the long side, something I similarly felt recently when I read "John Dies At the End."  It's my opinion that humorous books should stay under 300 pages or it starts to run too long, like one of those annoying SNL skits that keeps pounding the joke into the ground for 10 minutes until there's nothing funny left and you just get up to use the bathroom or something.

Anyway, the book is about a fridge that takes over the world.  Well not really a fridge.  It's an artificial intelligence that manifests itself through a web-enabled fridge in the kitchen of Blake Given, an Irish-Canadian web programmer who apparently is pretty well off to be able to afford a web-equipped fridge.  One day the fridge starts talking to him and calling itself "Zathir".  Zathir turns off the Internet while it works to increase its strength.  Naturally there's a bit of a panic.  Blake ends up pretty well off as Zathir's primarily link to humanity.

There's a lot of other stuff that happens but for a major cataclysm things stay pretty well-mannered.  The ending felt a little abrupt especially after as long as it took to get there.  I'd have liked a little more of an idea what exactly happens to Blake and the others at the end.

Still, if you've got the time for it, this is a fun read.  It'll make you reconsider just how much time you should spend on the Internet--reading book reviews for instance.

That is all.

Tomorrow Box Office Blitz Continues!

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Everyday Heroes Blogfest!

Today is the Everyday Heroes Blogfest!  The point of the blogfest is to highlight the problem of violence in our world, as evidenced by the Newtown massacre last year.  I asked those participating to write a 500-or-so word story dealing with violence.

Here's my effort:


Hero:  A Fable

As soon as he heard the first shot, Bob Silver sprung into action.  He had prepared for this moment ever since Columbine.  When he’d seen the news reports about that, he’d sworn to himself no punks would get the drop on him like that.  That same day he’d run to the gun shop to buy himself a Magnum, the kind of gun that could drop someone in one shot, not like those pansy 9mms the clerk showed him.

For years he’d spent five nights a week at the range and most of his Saturdays.  By now he could hit the target dead center six out of six times—blindfolded even.  The Magnum had become as much a part of him as his own fingers and toes.

Not all of his colleagues had felt the same way.  The liberal tree-huggers had initially petitioned the school board to prevent him from carrying the weapon on school grounds.  It couldn’t happen here, they said.  But one massacre after another—Virginia Tech, Aurora, and finally Newtown—broke down their resistance.  And now they would finally see how right he’d been all along.

He took the gun from its shoulder holster and then opened the door.  He heard a gunshot, followed by screams.  From the direction of both, the shooter had to be near the library.  Twenty years as the vice-principal had allowed Bob to memorize the school’s layout.  He trotted away from his office, towards the computer lab.

A frantic girl threw herself at him.  He couldn’t understand what she said.  “Don’t worry, sweetheart.  I’ll take care of it.”  He motioned for her to go out the back doors.  When she tried to cling to him, he had to shove her away.  “Go!”

He found the computer lab empty.  He paused as he heard another shot.  Bob hurried over to the door that connected the lab to the library.  He flattened himself against the wall.  He paused a moment to wipe the sweat from his brow.  Then he took a few breaths to steady himself.  Here we go, he told himself.  Time to show this punk who’s boss.

He opened the door slowly with one hand.  Then he peeked out the doorway.  He heard only the whimper of another girl.  Don’t worry, he tried to tell her telepathically, help is here.  As he thought this, he saw the punk emerge from behind a bookshelf.  He wore a long black coat and a gas mask.  All Bob could tell about the punk was he was tall and skinny.  It wouldn’t matter much longer.

He counted to three before he lunged through the doorway.  As he straightened, he found the barrel of the punk’s AR-15 pointed right at him.  Bob’s eyes fixed on the end of the barrel; it seemed close enough to touch.  The Magnum began to tremble in Bob’s hand.  He blinked sweat out of his eyes.  Then he felt his underwear turn warm and damp.

The pistol slipped out of his grip.  “P-p-please.  D-don’t kill me,” Bob whimpered.  He closed his eyes, but he could still see the barrel of the assault rifle in his vision.

A shot rang out.  Bob waited for the pain.  He didn’t feel anything.  Had he already gone into shock?  Had he already died?

“Got him,” a man’s voice said.  “Target is down.  Repeat, target is down.”

Bob felt a hand on his shoulder.  The same man’s voice said, “It’s all right, sir.  We got him.”

Bob opened his eyes and saw the punk sprawled on the floor.  A man similarly dressed in black with a ski mask, goggles, and helmet obscuring his face stood over Bob.  Bob got to his feet and threw himself at the policeman.  “Bless you, sir.  Bless you.”

“Just doing our job, sir.”

Moral of the story:  gunfights are best left to professionals.

Saturday I was reading Vonnegut's Deadeye Dick, where the main character accidentally shoots a pregnant woman with a rifle and gains his eponymous nickname as a sort of scarlet letter.  The woman's husband, a newspaper editor, publishes these words in his paper:

“My wife has been killed by a machine which should never have come into the hands of any human being. It is called a firearm. It makes the blackest of all human wishes come true at once, at a distance: that something die.  There is evil for you.  We cannot get rid of mankind’s fleetingly wicked wishes. We can get rid of the machines that make them come true.  I give you a holy word: DISARM.”
Amen.

If you've contributed a story, then put your link in the comments.  I'll add them to this throughout the day.  And be sure to tell your friends!

Briane Pagel:  Violins Is Never the Answer
Cindy Borgne 
David Powers King:  A Hero's Reward 
Tony Laplume:  Gun Shot

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Two-Cent Tuesday: Haste n Waste

This is going to be a little bit of an old-school Grumpy Bulldog rant.  Be warned!

Anyway, one of the things that really bugs me is how wasteful we are as a country.  I don't just mean the way we throw out enough food every Thanksgiving to feed probably half of Africa.  I mean in particular the wasteful way in which we manage our most valuable resource:  land.

As someone who works in Detroit, every single day I see plenty of abandoned buildings:  houses, apartments, stores, and office buildings.  Those abandoned buildings create all sorts of problems:  crime, vermin, and they're just damned ugly.  That's why they call it "blight."  At the same time as someone who lives in the suburbs I'll be on my way home and see someone putting up a new office building or a new shopping plaza or whatever.

The incongruity of this bugs me.  OK, I get some of the problem is that you don't want to put a storefront in where there's no one around.  But really there are a bunch of companies who build these big new office buildings when there's tons of already available commercial space to be had.  So why do we have to destroy a bunch of land and all its trees and such for another ugly ass building?  Tax incentives and the like I'm sure are part of it.

Another thing is that sometimes I see where they're putting up a new minimall or little office building when pretty much right next door there's unoccupied space.  Why do we need a new minimall when we haven't filled out the old one?  There is seriously in Auburn Hills right off the main highway (exit 83 if you're ever on I-75 around metro Detroit) a little shopping plaza that has never to my knowledge had a single damned shop in it despite that it's been around for 10 years!  So really that thing's been sitting there empty all that time.  What a waste!

Then sometimes when I'm driving up on I-75 by Flint, I see an old Ramada motel that's been closed a couple years now.  And I always think of all the homeless people in Flint, of which I'm sure there are many.  Here we've got lots of people without homes and an empty place that could accommodate a couple hundred of them.  And I'm sure that's not the only abandoned motel in Flint either.  I'm sure there would be a lot of problems with turning those over to the homeless, but isn't it better than them freezing to death on the streets?

Anyway, it's all symptomatic of how wasteful we are as a society.  I mean how many iPhone 4s do you suppose are just lying around now because the iPhone 5 came out like six months later and everyone just had to have that one?  Think of all the resources to make one of those damned things.  And then of course so many things like TVs, computers, and such have gotten to the point where it's just as cheap to buy a new one as to fix the old one.  So even if the old one has a minor problem, we just chuck it in the trash and get a new one.

Just to be all gloom and doom here, at some point the bill is going to come due on this wastefulness.  Someday we'll have cut down all the trees, mined all the gold, sucked up all the oil, and then we'll be well and truly fucked.

Speaking of blight and Detroit, last week Detroit got an Emergency Financial Manager (EFM).  I don't support that because the EFM is essentially a Dictator from Roman times, someone brought in during a crisis to rule the city without really having to answer to the democratically elected bodies.

In this case they brought in a guy who helped turn Chrysler around in 2009, which had people psyched, but not me.  What Republicans especially fail to grasp is that a city (or state or nation for that matter) is not a corporation.  The strategies that work there do not work for a city because they're completely different animals.

I'm sure the Dictator's first acts will be more layoffs, more pay cuts, etc.  That what "turnaround specialists" always do because labor is an easy cost to cut.  Unfortunately as we've seen when you do that in a city all it does is degrade services further, so fewer people want to live in the city, so you have less tax revenue, so you need to make more cuts...in a downward spiral Detroit's already been in for many years.  It's the same thing that's been happening to the post office too for many years as well.

And we've already seen this in Detroit!  The schools have been run by a Dictator for something like five years now.  They've closed schools and fired teachers...and things are still terrible.  Why?  Because, gee, who wants to put their kids in a school miles and miles away from their home that's overrun by gangs and where the kids are packed into classes of 50 or more?

It's just another disaster waiting to unfold because the tools that can "turnaround" a corporation aren't effective on cities.  For one thing you can't just sell the city of Detroit to an Italian city as when Chrysler was sold off to Fiat.  I'm pretty sure you can't just take all the failing assets in Detroit and put those into a separate city either to be disposed of.  And of course you can't use the "turnaround specialist"'s ultimate weapon:  firing everyone, locking the doors, and auctioning off the pieces.

Most days I think the only thing that can save a city like Detroit is a disaster that would just about level the place, like a massive earthquake ala "No Man's Land" in the Batman comics.  Then the Federal government could come in with a bunch of cash to rebuild the city.  Which is really what cities like Detroit need:  an influx of cash to get more cops/fire trucks/ambulances on the streets, turn on the lights, and tear down the blight.  Because only then can you make it the kind of place people would actually want to live in and thus increase your tax revenue.

Until then, no Dictator making six or seven figures will do more than make things worse.

This should put you in a good mindset for the Everyday Heroes Blogfest tomorrow!

Monday, March 18, 2013

Comic Captions 3/18/13


It's time for another Comic Captions, where you get to recaption a comic book panel, with perhaps hilarious results.

This week's is from Vengeance of Bane Part 2



As usual I'll go first.
Warden:  This is the worst vacation ever!

Now it's your turn!

BTW, I wasn't in that movie blogathon today, but it got me thinking of what are probably the top 10 movies I've seen?  Not in terms of quality or anything but just how many times I've seen them.  My best guess would be (not really in order):

  1. The Empire Strikes Back
  2. Transformers:  The Movie (1986)
  3. The Dark Knight
  4. Watchmen
  5. Star Trek IV
  6. Bad Santa
  7. Free Enterprise
  8. The Crow
  9. The Negotiator
  10. Ronin
I guessed the last two because especially in the last decade they were on cable on one channel or another all the time and if they are I don't mind watching them.  As for 6-8, I watch those at least once a year.  But there's no question about 1 and 2.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Box Office Blitz Week 10 Results

Happy St. Paddy's Day.  (Or St. ME Day is how I like to think of it.)  I guess most of us overestimated the appeal of Steve Carrell and Jim Carrey and underestimated the appeal of Halle Berry.  Not only that, but Halle Berry is also greater apparently than Ah-nold, Jason Statham, Stallone, and Colin Farrell.  Now we know...and knowing's half the battle.  (I should save GI JOE jokes for two weeks from now.)

Anyway, the top 3 movies were:
1.     Oz the Great and Powerful     $42.2M
2.     The Call     $17.1M
3.     The Incredible Burt Wonderstone     $10.3M

Really impressed by how much The Call made.  I would guesstimate that's the best opening a Brad Anderson movie has had.  Which is way overdue because "The Machinist" and "TransSiberian" were awesome.  Maybe now he'll get some better jobs.

My shabby picks were:
  1. Oz the Great and Powerful $35M
  2. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone $25M
  3. Jack the Giant Slayer $10M
 I get 100 for Oz and 50 for Wonderstone for 150 total.

Maurice Mitchell guessed:
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone $30M
Oz the Great and Powerful $29M
The Call $10M

He gets 50 for each for 150 total.

Rusty Carl guessed:
1. Oz - $38 mil
2. Burt Wonderstone - $22 mil
3. Jack The Giantslayer - $12 mil

He also gets 150 for Oz and Wonderstone.

Andrew Leon guessed:
1. Oz - $40m
2. Wonderstone - $32m
3. The Call - $18m

That's 100 for Oz and 50 apiece for the other two so 200 total.

Tony Laplume guessed:
1. Oz the Great and Powerful ($45 mil)
2. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone ($20 mil)
3. The Call ($10 mil)

Also 200 total.

And Briane Pagel guessed:
1 Oz $50 mil
2. Call $35 mil
3. Burt $28 mil

That's a trifecta!  300 points.  And Briane also gets the 500 point bonus for winning the round.  He must have followed my expert advice of playing this week and guessing better.

The bonus question was whether Oz would make MORE or LESS than 60% of its first week take which came out to $32M.  The answer was MORE.  Only Rusty and Andrew (and Briane but he won the round) actually guessed MORE.  This week the coin flip comes up on Andrew getting the bonus.

Here are the updated standings.  There's no change in the top 4 but Briane has now taken over fifth place.


Box Office Blitz

Scoreboard





10 Total
Tony Laplume 200 4200
Andrew Leon 300 3150
PT Dilloway 150 2800
Rusty Carl 150 2250
Briane Pagel 800 1550
Maurice Mitchell 150 1100
Stephen Hayes 0 700
Michael Offutt 0 600
Donna Hole 0 200
David P King 0 200

1750 16750

Friday, March 15, 2013

Box Office Blitz: Week 10

We got back on track last week with a couple of trifectas.  Unfortunately I didn't get one of them.  Basically it's a 4-man race right now with Tony Laplume on top, Andrew in second, me in third, and Rusty coming up hard on the outside in 4th.  The rest of the pack is farther behind.  They just need to play every week and guess better!

Remember the object of the game is to guess the three movies that top the box office and put them in the right order.  For each one you guess right you get 50 points and if you get it in the right spot it's a 50 point bonus.  If you win the round you get 500 points extra.  Dollar values are used as a tiebreaker, so make sure to guess the amount each will make too.

Now then, here's this week's slate of movies from my local megaplex (* indicates a new release):

  • 21 and Over
  • A Good Day to Die Hard
  • Argo
  • Beautiful Creatures
  • Dark Skies
  • Dead Man Down
  • Django Unchained
  • Escape from Planet Earth
  • Identity Thief
  • Jack the Giant Killer
  • Les Miserables
  • Life of Pi
  • Lincoln
  • Mindless Behavior*  (huh?)
  • Oz the Great & Powerful
  • Quartet
  • Safe Haven
  • Side Effects
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Snitch
  • The Call*  
  • The Impossible
  • The Incredible Burt Wonderstone*
  • The Last Exorcism 2
  • Warm Bodies
  • Zero Dark 30
It's kind of a tough call.  "Identity Thief" has proven the power of idiotic comedies, though "Burt Wonderstone" doesn't feature a fat lady, so that may hurt it.  But really I think family movies are what typically rule the box office, so I'll go:

  1. Oz the Great and Powerful $35M
  2. The Incredible Burt Wonderstone $25M
  3. Jack the Giant Slayer $10M
 (Seriously, what's with all the really long title names?  Yeesh.  Makes me feel better about Time Enough to Say Goodbye, Tales of the Scarlet Knight Volume II.)

It will be interesting to see if Halle Berry fares better than washed-up action heroes have thus far.

Now for a bonus question worth 100 points to one random person who is not also the winner of the round.   

Typically the previous week's #1 movie falls about 60% the following week.  So, do you think Oz the Great & Powerful will make MORE or LESS than 40% of last week's take, which would be $32M according to my math?

Good luck...except to Tony and Andrew.  I may have to make your entries start to conveniently disappear from Blogger.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Thursday Review: The Winter King

BTW, today I am guesting on Cheyanne Young's blog about why superhero novels (like mine) are better than superhero comics. Check it out here!

This is my review of The Winter King, which is the first of my favorite series of King Arthur books.  Why haven't these been made into movies yet?  Dang it.  I mean we love gritty reboots of things.  This is a gritty King Arthur reboot I guess you could say.  I suppose in recent years there have been other attempts at that, but these books are way better than that stuff I'm sure.  These came out in the mid-90s, which makes me wonder was that before or after "Game of Thrones"?  Anyway, if you like Game of Thrones you'd probably like these books because there's a lot of the same political intrigue and fighting, only not much magic and no dragons.

The Winter King

(Warlord Chronicles, Part 1)

(4/5 stars)

by Bernard Cornwell

OK, most everyone should know the legend of King Arthur by now. If you don't, the basic summary is that there was once a king named Arthur in England who became king when he pulled a sword called Excalibur from a stone with some help from a wizard named Merlin. Later he married a woman named Guinevere and formed a wonderful kingdom known as Camelot, where he and his brave knights sat around a round table after a day of searching for the Holy Grail or battling dragons. But eventually he was betrayed when his top knight, Lancelot, slept with Guinevere. Later his bastard son Mordred shows up and they lock horns and Arthur is ultimately killed. Excalibur ends up thrown into a pond, where a disembodied female hand takes it while Arthur is taken on a boat to a magical land known as Avalon to wait the day when he is needed again.

Now most of that historically speaking is pure bunk. There are some who try to assert there really was an Arthur, but evidence is sorely lacking. Nevertheless, Bernard Cornwell, known in the UK for writing the Sharpe's series of historical military novels, tries to recast the Arthurian legend in a more historical context in the 5th Century AD.

Before the story begins, it's important to note that at the time the series begins, what we think of as Great Britain is divided into a bunch of little kingdoms. There's an alliance among the kingdoms of central and western Britain (what we think of today as England and Wales) rules by a High King named Uther. Uther's son Mordred was recently killed by Saxon "barbarians" who are coming over from probably what we'd think of as Scandinavia now, leaving the High King with no heir and thus leaving the alliance in trouble if the frail Uther should die.

The story begins with the dead Mordred's wife giving birth to a boy, whom is named Mordred for his father. The only hitch is that the boy is born with a deformed foot. But for the moment the alliance is saved. Unfortunately, before long, Uther finally dies and some of the other kings want to take power for themselves. Enter, Arthur.

In Cornwell's vision of the Arthurian saga, Arthur is not a king. He starts out merely as Uther's bastard son who is a warlord in Brittany (France) and pledged to help his nephew obtain the throne. This Arthur does by sweeping in with his armored horse troops and putting down any rebellion and in the process making himself the unquestioned leader of Britain.

All seems to be going well and will be even more well once Arthur marries a princess named Ceinwyn to cement an alliance with a neighboring kingdom. Except when he goes to meet the princess, he sees a beautiful redheaded woman across the room and is smitten with love. That redheaded woman is named Guinevere and while she too is a princess, her father lost his kingdom to Irish marauders and thus she isn't nearly as good of a bargaining chip.

Though Arthur should think with his head and marry Ceinwyn to keep the peace, he instead thinks with his netherregions and marries Guinevere on the sly. This ticks off Ceinwyn's daddy, who in turn rounds up a huge army to crush Arthur and make himself the High King. It all comes down to an epic battle in a place called Ludd Vale.

That's leaving out a lot of what else happens in the story. Cornwell tells the story through Derfel, one of Arthur's loyal soldiers. He is a Saxon child raised by the Britons, who survived being thrown into a pit of spikes as a sacrifice to pagan gods. This led to Derfel being raised in the household of Merlin, the most powerful Druid in all of Britain. Derfel's coming of age from a boy in Merlin's household to a warlord at Ludd Vale parallels the coming of Arthur and his rise to power and fame.

I first read this trilogy about ten years ago and what I like about it is the way that even if none of this ever happened, it feels like it COULD have happened. Instead of the old Arthurian world with plate armor and jousting contests and courtly love, we have a Britain a generation removed from Roman rule, thrust into chaos as various kingdoms fight each other while invaders from Scandinavia and Ireland threaten to wipe everyone out. Instead of noble jousting and such, men fight in clusters called "shield walls" because the shields of the clustered men are used to protect each other from attack. There's nothing heroic about shield walls fighting, as it's a bloody, gruesome business of pushing and stabbing.

The way Cornwell debunks the myth while at the same time turning it into a more realistic story reminds me of reading Mary Renault's "The King Must Die" and its sequel about ancient Greece and the hero Theseus or Colleen MacCullough's novels about Rome like "Caesar's Women." As well the attempts to make the battles more realistic is similar to Stephen Pressfield's "Gates of Fire" about the Spartans in the Battle of Thermopylae (more famously recounted in idiotic fashion by Frank Miller's graphic novel "300"). There's also a lot of political intrigue that helps make the world in which this Arthur and his companions live seem to come alive.

My major nitpick is that there are too many names. There are so many kings and warriors and princes and princesses and different regions that you need a scorecard to keep track of who rules what and who hates who at the moment.

Still, even with no magic swords, dragons, or Round Table this is an exciting book that promises much more to come.

(On a side note, this to my knowledge has no relation to the "King Arthur" movie starring Clive Owen and Keira Knightley put out in 2004, though that also deals with an Arthur in the 5th Century. These books came well before that, which means Jerry Bruckheimer probably stole and corrupted them. I've long thought the Cornwell novels would make a great series of films like "Lord of the Rings" but I doubt that would happen.)

That is all.

Tomorrow Box Office Blitz Continues!

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Bonus Comic Captions

The trivia question posted really early this morning, which isn't really fair, is it?  Blame it on Random.org.  Anyway, just for the hell of it, here's a bonus Comic Captions from All-Star Superman #5.  I think I was going to use it a couple weeks ago but then replaced it.


Caption away!

Scarlet Knight Trivia 3/13

It's time for this month's trivia question!  It's another question that relates to my Scarlet Knight series.    Here we go!

What is the name of the weapon the Scarlet Knight uses?

A.  Sword of Justice
B.  Sword of Omens
C.  Excalibur
D.  Steve

The first one to get it right wins $5!

Tomorrow I review something!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Two-Cent Tuesday: Dollars & Sense

Just as a disclaimer I am not a CPA and do not work for H&R Block or any of those, so take this with a grain of salt, especially if you get audited.  I mean, saying "some guy on a blog told me!" probably won't stand up as a legal defense.

Anyway, last month I finally got around to doing my income tax returns.  I could have done them sooner but I had to wait for Amazon to mail three different 1099-MISC forms for my book sales.  One is for Amazon in the US, one for International, and one is for CreateSpace (owned by Amazon) for paperbacks.  I actually like Smashwords because they do it online so it's much quicker.  Really Amazon you're a huge conglomerate why can't you do that?

I've seen some well-meaning advice bandied about that you should set up an LLC (limited liability corporation--like a self-proprietorship only with a corporation's liability protections) for your writing.  But in doing my taxes, I saw a good reason why not:  small business taxes can hit you pretty hard.

At first when I was putting in my 1099s I put them under Schedule C for small business income.  My refund then went down about $300 in short order.  This didn't seem right to me so I went to the help guide that came with my H&R Block Tax Cut software.  What it said is that if writing is not your primary source of income then don't use Schedule C for small businesses.  Instead you want to use Schedule E for miscellaneous income.

Now since I only made $550 from writing, it obviously was not my primary source of income.  So I changed it to put my 1099s on Schedule E and my return went down by only about $100 instead.  So that's a $200 savings!

Which is why unless your writing is going to be your primary source of income and you're making tens of thousands of dollars, you don't want to create a LLC.  Unless you want to give the government a few hundred bucks when you don't have to.  Maybe you're just generous that way.

Tomorrow's trivia question posts really early (for those of you west of the Mississippi it'll be posting today!) and will only be difficult if you've not read my book or paid attention to this blog in about a year...yeah, you guys are fucked...

Monday, March 11, 2013

Comic Captions 3/11/13

It's time for this week's installment of Comic Captions, where you get to recaption a comic book panel, with possibly hilarious results.  Or possibly unintentionally hilarious results.

This week's is another taken from The Adventures of Superman #500



Jonathan Kent:  Son, why don't you pull over and ask for directions already?

And now you try to top me.  Give it your best shot!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Box Office Blitz: Week 9 Results

If you haven't yet, make sure to read yesterday's Big Announcement!  Anyway, let's see what we've got for Week 9's Box Office Blitz results.

The Top 3 this weekend were:
  1. Oz the Great & Powerful $80M (bloody hell!)
  2. Jack the Giant Slayer $10M
  3. Identity Thief $6M
My picks were:
  • Oz the Great & Powerful $35M
  • Identity Thief $13M
  • Jack the Giant Slayer $10M
I mixed up 2 and 3, so I get 200 points.

Rusty Webb picked:
1: Oz - $36 mil
2: Jack the Giant Slayer - $16 mil
3: Dead Man Down - $14 mil

He gets 100 each for 1 and 2 so 200 points also.

Andrew Leon picked:
1. Oz the Great and Powerful -- $55m
2. Jack the Giant Slayer -- $12m
3. Identity Thief -- $9m

A trifecta for him!  300 points.

Briane Pagel picked:
1. Dead Man Down $25 mil
2. Oz $20 mil
3. 21 And Over $10 mil

Just 50 points for Oz.

Maurice Mitchell picked:
Oz the Great & Powerful $30M
Identity Thief $10M
Dead Man Down $8M

That's 100 for Oz and 50 for Identity Thief, so 150 total.

Tony Laplume picked:
1. Oz the Great and Powerful ($70 mil)
2. Jack the Giant Slayer ($13 mil)
3. Identity Thief ($7 mil)

Also a trifecta!  300 points for him.  And since he was closer than Andrew to Oz's $80M take, he wins the 500 point bonus.

For the 100 point bonus I asked whether Oz would make more than John Carter's paltry $30M and boy did it ever!  Andrew and Rusty were the only ones eligible.  By coin flip Rusty gets the 100 points.

The standings remain the same as last week:

Box Office Blitz

Scoreboard





9 Total
Tony Laplume 800 4000
Andrew Leon 300 2850
PT Dilloway 200 2650
Rusty Carl 300 2100
Maurice Mitchell 150 950
Briane Pagel 50 750
Stephen Hayes 0 700
Michael Offutt 0 600
Donna Hole 0 200
David P King 0 200

1800 15000

Saturday, March 9, 2013

BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT EVER: Grumpy Bulldogs vs. Retirement

As you may have noticed, since 2010 I've used Butler University's mascot Butler Blue II as my avatar on my old Wordpress blog and the old Grumpy Bulldog blog.  It all started when I saw some pictures of Blue during the NCAA tournament with a giant bone in his mouth as he sat by the court.  And then thanks to the magic of Twitter and Facebook I could follow him to get even more cute bulldog pictures.

The pic that started it all!
So it's a bit sad that today Blue II is retiring from mascot duties and passing his collar to the next generation: Blue III or Trip.  It's not unexpected as he's 9, which is pretty much retirement age in doggie years, especially for a bulldog with their sundry health issues.  Though Blue might not fade entirely into the sunset yet; he'll be around for the NCAA tournament, which if Butler has a long run could go into April.

Anyway, here's my Blue II tribute!

Retirement makes me a Grumpy Bulldog!

Hail to the Victors!

Hey Rudy, I got something for you!
Books are fun...and taste delicious.

This is my court!

These aren't the mascots you're looking for!

Saturdays, in the park...

May the Force be with Blue!
Mmmm...giant Twinkie!

Come on, just one bite?  Please?

Just cleaning out my locker
Mascotting is tiring

Is this parade all for me?
The real reason for the Super Bowl blackout...
Ready for my close-up!

Who turned out the lights?

I'm not a doctor but I play one on stage...

Nap time!

The name's II, Blue II...


If you check out Blue II's Flickr feed you can see all the awesome things he's done, like posing with supermodels, visiting historical landmarks, and going to the Super Bowl.  (Bulldog mascots also get all the chicks, which was the subject of my story "Trey the Wonder Dog" in the "We Are Now" anthology.)  On the Dan Patrick Show site there's also a video where Blue schools Dan Patrick on the basketball court.  (Word of advice:  don't try to steal a bulldog's basketball!)

It seems only fitting that Blue and I are retiring at the same time.  I'm only retiring from writing books, though actually I've been pretty much retired since October of last year.  The absolutely dismal performance of the Scarlet Knight series up to this point has convinced me there's no point continuing with this charade.  Like any good capitalist I've let the people vote with their dollars and they've voted for...someone else.  (Pretty much anyone else.)  I mean if after nearly a year of blathering on about the series in this blog I still couldn't sell more than 2 fucking copies, then that means something.  It means the people don't care.  And a writer with no audience may as well not bother to write at all.

The evidence has been there for some time; I was just too stubborn to see it.  I mean even my own family reacts to my books as if I'm trying to force them to eat brussel sprouts.  So, OK world, you win.  I'll stop trying to force my brussel sprouts on you.

Or to illustrate how I feel more clearly:
Think of it as I'm Batman and the reading public is Bane.

Unlike Blue II (or Batman for that matter), I don't have a successor lined up.  Though I think if I did, I'd pick a successor who didn't look like a Predator:
Which one is Blue III and which one is the Predator?

Always go out with a smart joke.

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