Wednesday, October 31, 2012

A Spooky Halloween Post

I got lucky that Halloween falls on a fifth Wednesday this year, which means yet another random entry that I wrote months earlier.  (Seriously, I wrote this back in July!)

Anyway, Halloween is when we talk about what scares us, so I decided to talk about something that creeps me out and also relates to the blog theme:  comic book covers.  That's right, comic book covers can freak me right the hell out.  Embarrassing, no?

For the record I'm not talking about ALL comic book covers.  Most are pretty benign.  I mean it's not like I run screaming if I see an Archie comic or something.  There have just been some that have freaked out.

The first one I can remember that got under my skin was back in probably the mid-80s.  I'm not sure what title it was, maybe the Justice League or something.  Anyway, it involved Batman, Superman, etc. and they were in Africa where there were all these starving people (this was during that "We Are the World" period when we actually cared about people dying over there) and Lex Luthor (or someone like that) was saying something like, "Ha ha ha, not even YOU can save them." (BTW, if anyone knows what comic that was that would be cool to know. I obviously can't type a vague description into Google and hope to find anything.)

In this case it wasn't really the actual artwork that bugged me but the underlying concept behind it that some problems were too big even for superheroes.  I mean I was probably about 8 years old at the time, so I hadn't really ever thought about that.  You know like any white kid out in the suburbs I had to that point been pretty sheltered.

Now if you think this effected some great change in my life, you would be mistaken.  I mean it sure as hell didn't get me to stop eating.  Or maybe I just ate more so I wouldn't end up like those people.  Yeah, there you go.

I think overall the biggest culprit of freaky comic book covers was also my favorite hero:  Batman.  In large part because when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s there was a tendency to draw Batman on the cover looking positively demonic.  From what I read on Tony Laplume's blog, I guess this Kelley Jones guy was behind that.  Thanks for giving me nightmares, Kelley, you jerk.  Here's just one example from the Knightfall storyline:

When I actually read that comic it reminded me of something from Michael Chabon's Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, where he talks about a kid looking at a comic book and being enticed by the cover, despite that he knows the story inside will bear little resemblance to that cover.  This is because most covers are done by another artist, who isn't involved with the actual creation of the story.

In this case you look at the cover and you see a very evil-looking Batman about to kill some guy.  In the story inside it's not so dramatic.  Batman (Jean-Paul Valley at this point) does beat some guys up but it doesn't look so evil.  For one thing he has a hammer in the comic, not a board with nails in it.  I'm just saying.

A few issues later then we have this:

From that you assume Bruce Wayne is going to be killed by Batman!  Well, that doesn't really happen either.  Bruce does surprise Jean-Paul in the Batcave but there's not really a fight or anything.  But I guess the point is to make you want to see what's inside, right?

I think for the most part what made Batman look so scary in these is how first they make his costume black (when it was really blue) and they extend the bat ears so they look like horns.  You know, devil horns.  That's definitely not someone I want to meet in a dark alley, I tell you whut.

The champion of all scary Batman covers (to me) was this one:

I first saw that in a comic book store like 15 years or so ago.  Not as a cover, but as a big-ass promotional poster on the wall.  So it was kind of hard not to notice it.  There was a slogan on it too, "He's Become What He Hates Most...A Vampire."  Something like that.  I suppose that only added to the freakiness for me.  I mean do you want that thing coming in through your window to suck your blood?  Yipes!

When I started buying some Batman graphic novels, I did actually buy this one.  I think I was trying to face my fears.  Plus the idea of Batman fighting Dracula and becoming a vampire was kind of neat.  Anyway, I failed in facing my fears, at least partially.  I did read the book, but the thought of actually TOUCHING the book gave me the willies, so I decided on an ingenious solution:  I put on a pair of rubber dishwashing gloves.  It made turning the pages a little awkward at times but at least I had a barrier between me and it.  I also read it on the floor so it wouldn't be touching any part of me.  (Hmmmm, I should probably tell that to a shrink.)  That was only a year or two ago, so it's still a problem.  I don't even like to THINK about it sitting on my bookshelf, as if it'll suddenly come to life or something.

Though this doesn't happen nearly as often now.  One reason is I don't SEE many comic book covers these days.  I don't go into comic book stores and only rarely do I go to bookstores where those would be.  The other is especially with Batman they got away from that style for the most part.  On occasion though they slip a creepy one in there:


Before you think I'm too much of a wuss, I can watch like "The Human Centipede" or "Nightmare on Elm Street" at night and it doesn't bother me all.  I've buried a whole pet cemetery's worth of dead animals.  So I'm not a total wuss, just a big wuss.  But even tough guys like Indiana Jones are scared of something, right?


Happy Halloween!

Tomorrow, we kick off Dark Origins:  Tales of the Scarlet Knight, Volume 0!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Two-Fer Tuesday #27: A Monster

It's Tuesday, which means another Two Fer Tuesday.  If you're not acquainted with the rules, I use a random number generator to pick a page and paragraph to pluck two sentences from.  Let's see what we get this week.


Page Number: 99
Para
graph Number: 8
I'll admit I cheated on this one to give you something spookier, it being Devil's Night and all.

Emma turned around, but there was something terribly wrong with her eyes.  They no longer had an iris or a pupil; they had become entirely gold-colored.



If you want more than just two puny sentences, you can now buy the whole book for just $2.99! 

Tomorrow is a spooky Halloween post that I wrote in July about one of my greatest fears...

Monday, October 29, 2012

Phony Photos: Halloween Edition

Since it's Halloween this week, I thought I'd do one a little spookier.  So from my novel Last Chance, this is Grace in her Goth ensemble:

Yeah, pretty scary, right?  This one turned out unexpectedly well.  I mean when I started I thought it'd end up looking pretty goofy, but I really like it.  Something about the really pale skin, the black around the eyes, and the black lipstick really gave her face some character and depth.  I suppose she's pretty hot too if you're into that sort of thing.

BTW, at this point in the story Grace is about 35 years old and it's a little ironic that she works as a therapist.  Physician, heal thyself, right?  She is going through a little bit of an identity crisis at this point, trying to recapture her lost youth.  This is what she usually looks like:

So yeah that's a pretty big change.  For better or worse?  You decide!

Tomorrow is a spooky Two-Fer!

Sunday, October 28, 2012

A HERO'S JOURNEY: THE ILLUSTRATED CHAPTER 3

As promised here's Chapter 3!  This is the last chapter I can legally post, so there won't be any more.  You'll just have to buy the book to read the rest!  Anyway, this one I think is another shorter one.  Becky finally gets into the story, as does Detective Donovan.  Hooray!  That's pretty much all the main players.
#


Chapter 3
While at Northwestern, Emma had taken up jogging to help keep her body in shape and her mind clear.  A break from the books and the lab sometimes helped her to gain perspective on things.
She hadn’t gone jogging since returning to Rampart City.  Becky had cautioned her against running in the neighborhood—unless someone was chasing her—and to avoid Robinson Park, which had become a hangout for the various gangs in the city.  But it would probably be safe enough to run around the block near the museum.
Emma Earl
She had prepared for this contingency, bringing her running clothes with her.  She changed into the purple Northwestern T-shirt that had become faded and stained with sweat from repeated use and a pair of yellow shorts that helped her remain visible in the early morning or evening.  From her purse she also took out a pair of prescription sports goggles so her glasses wouldn’t fall off and break.
She used the staff elevator down to the first floor and then snuck out the back door.  At a park bench, she began to stretch out her muscles so she wouldn’t pull anything.  As she stretched her quads when she heard a familiar voice.  “Getting a little exercise?” Dr. Dreyfus said.
She turned around and saw him dressed in a T-shirt, shorts, and goggles as well.  In his case the T-shirt was a gray Cornell one and his shorts bright red.  The shorts gave her a good view of his muscular calves, especially when he began to stretch next to her.  She felt her cheeks turn warm at this.  “You too?” she asked.
Dan Dreyfus
“Oh, sure.  Don’t want to get soft.”
“No, I guess not.”
"Not that you have to worry about that.  You could probably put on a few pounds.”  Dr. Dreyfus looked down at his feet; his cheeks turned red as well.  “I didn’t mean that you’re too thin, like anorexic or anything.”
“No, it’s fine.  I know what you meant.”
“Would you mind if I run with you?  Safety in numbers.”
“Sure,” she said.  As they set out, though, she kept her eyes on her feet, so she wouldn’t trip over them and embarrass herself in front of him.
“How do you like this place so far?” he asked.
“I love it.  I’m very happy to be here.”
“The pay isn’t the greatest, but it’s a really respected organization,” he said.  He easily kept pace with her.  “That’s the kind of thing that looks good on your résumé later on.”
“I’m not planning on going anywhere.”
Dr. Dreyfus nearly tripped over his feet and blushed again.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean it quite like that.  I just meant if you ever want to work anywhere else, this will be good experience.”
“How long have you worked here?”
“About five years.  Most of that was in the field, though.”
“In Egypt?”
“That’s right.”
“You were the one who found Karlak II?”
“Not just me personally.  The whole team was involved, but yes.”
“That must have been exciting.”
“It was.”  They rounded a corner and weaved through a group of people at a bus stop.  “I was starting to think I wouldn’t find anything and the director would fire me.  Then one day we brushed aside some dirt and found the entrance to the tomb.  It was there the whole time, pretty much beneath our noses.”
“That’s great,” Emma said.  She had found some meteor fragments in Montana during her fieldwork for her doctorate, but that had been a relatively minor discovery.
“Yeah, and what’s even better is now the whole world is going to find out about it.  When people think about Egypt, all they think of is the pyramids and mummies.  Now we can tell them the whole story from the beginning.”
She admired how passionately Dr. Dreyfus cared about this, how evident his love for this ancient culture was.  She felt that way about meteors, about how they broadened human understanding of the universe.  This made her think of the strange black object Dr. Dreyfus had brought to her.  That might really broaden human understanding of the universe—if she could figure out what the heck it was.
“So you’re going through with the exhibit now?” she asked.
“Now that we have Karlak’s sarcophagus, yes.  It won’t be quite as good as I’d hoped, but it should still be pretty impressive.”  She almost tripped over Dr. Dreyfus when he came to a stop. 
“Is something wrong?” she asked.
“No, nothing like that.  It’s just that before we open the exhibit to the public, there’s going to be a charity preview.  On Saturday night.  I thought if you didn’t have any plans, you might like to go with me.”
Emma stared at him; her eyes widened behind the goggles.  Was he asking her out on a date?  Interoffice romances were against the museum’s policies; she could quote the page to him from memory.  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” she said.  “Dating a coworker is against the rules.”
“Oh, right, that’s true.  But it doesn’t have to be a date, does it?  You could go as a colleague.”
“I don’t know—”
“Come on, it would let me pay you back for the work you’ve done on that thing.”
She considered this for a moment.  It did sound like fun, especially with Dr. Dreyfus.  And yet there would probably be a lot of her coworkers there; she and Dr. Dreyfus could both be fired.  But if they weren’t going as a couple, just as colleagues—
“I suppose that would be all right,” she said.  “Just as colleagues, though.”
“I understand.”  He gave her one of those smiles that reduced her to a pool of jelly.
With that settled, they resumed their run in silence.  They reached the bench where they started at the same time.  In most everything they seemed evenly matched, as if meant for each other.
***
The office for Roy Lintner’s mayoral campaign was just as two-faced as the man himself.  The main office—the one for show—was in an abandoned store on the ground floor of the Archlinger Building across from City Hall.  This office had a select few people on phones and lots of signs, patriotic bunting, and balloons.
Becky Beech
The real office was down in the basement.  That was where the grunt work was done by lowly “volunteers” like Becky Beech.  Here they worked at rusty metal desks dating from World War II to stuff envelopes and make phone calls.  Becky didn’t have a pleasant enough voice for phone calls, so she stuck to filling envelopes.  It was a monotonous task, especially with only the dim fluorescent lights overhead.  The checks she received every two weeks and the promise of three credits towards her political science degree made the drudgery slightly more worthwhile.
A few of the other “volunteers” had already defected from the campaign.  They were the lucky ones, Becky thought as she stuffed another envelope that would probably wind up in the trash.  This meant more work for her to try and keep up with Lintner’s impossible demands.  Rampart City had a population of nearly nine million and apparently he wanted to send a brochure to every one of them.
Connie
“You’re still here?” Becky asked Connie, with whom she shared the desk.
“Until the bitter end,” she said.  “It’s better than nothing.”
“True.” 
“Lintner treats us like shit, but at least he doesn’t grab our asses like my last boss.”
“He probably does that to the girls upstairs.”
As they laughed at this, the front door burst open.  Police clad in bulletproof vests and with handguns at the ready swarmed through the door.  At the head of them was a woman with short dark hair and blue eyes that seemed focused on Becky.  “Everyone stay where you are and put your hands up.  This is a raid,” the woman said.  The uniformed officers behind her began to scatter around the room.
“What’s going on here?” Becky asked.
“Are you Roy Lintner or his chief of staff?”
“No—”
“Then shut up, Fatty.”
“Fatty?”  Becky leaped to her feet and glared back at the woman.  “Why you—”
Det. Donovan
She didn’t get a chance to finish as the woman came around the desk and pinned Becky’s arm behind her in the blink of an eye.  The cop leaned Becky forward, so that her head was on a pile of envelopes to be sealed.  “Listen up, Tubby,” the woman hissed.  She produced a badge that identified her as Detective Charlotte Donovan of the Rampart City Police Department.  “Unless you want to go to jail, keep your mouth shut.”
“Let her go,” Connie said.  “She didn’t do anything.”
“Keep out of this, Short Stuff,” Detective Donovan hissed.
“You hurt her, and I’ll report you to your supervisors.”
For a moment Becky thought Donovan would put a bullet in both of them.  Instead, the detective let her up.  “Get your asses onto the loading docks.”  Detective Donovan raised her voice.  “That goes for all of you.  Get on the loading dock until we’re done.”  She turned to one of the uniformed cops.  “Sergeant, get a couple guys and watch them.  They so much as sneeze, put a bullet in them.”
Becky wanted to argue, but she knew the Rampart City Police Department by reputation.  They made the LAPD look like Boy Scouts.  There might have been more angst in the city, except the cops didn’t discriminate when it came to police brutality.  Black, white, Asian, Hispanic, or anything else wouldn’t matter to them; be at the wrong place at the wrong time and you’d wind up eating a baton. 
That this same Rampart City Police Department hadn’t ever found who killed Emma’s parents didn’t endear them to Becky either.  The cops had of course promised to do everything in their power, though in a city as large and ridden with crime as this one, it was almost impossible to find two killers without a positive ID.
The cops herded them onto the loading dock, where they milled about like cattle as they waited for the raid to be over.  Becky wasn’t a crime expert, but even she knew what they wanted:  Lintner’s campaign finance records.  They were probably looking for illegal donations on a tip from Lintner’s opponent, not that he needed to stoop to that to defeat Lintner at this point.
Roy Lintner
She heard Lintner well before she saw him.  “What the hell is going on here?” he roared.  After a moment of silence, Lintner said, “That’s crazy!  Everything I’ve done is perfectly legal.”
There were a few more minutes of silence before Lintner appeared on the loading dock, his face even redder than usual.  “All right, you assholes, get back to work!  We’ve still got a campaign to win!”
As was their style, the police had left the office a complete mess.  “Goddamned cops,” Connie muttered as they set to work on cleaning up.
“Thanks for sticking up for me,” Becky said.
“It’s all right.  I know how these people are.  Bunch of cowards.”  They finished cleaning up around their desk in silence.  Then Connie asked, “You want to get a drink after work?  I could really use one after this.”
“I’d like to, but I can’t.  I’m meeting a friend for dinner.”
“A boyfriend?” Connie asked with a mischievous grin.
“No, my friend Emma.  She’s my roommate now too.”
“She could come with us.”
Becky shook her head.  “Emma doesn’t drink.  And she wouldn’t like me drinking either.”
“She religious or something?”
“Nothing like that,” Becky said.  She tried to think of how to explain it.  “She’s nice, if you know what I mean.”
“Kind of a goody-two-shoes?”
“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Becky said.  “She’s kind of shy too.  She wouldn’t like it if I sprung a stranger on her.”
“That’s all right.  Another time, then.”
“Sure,” Becky said and then they got back to work.
***
They met at a restaurant in Rampart City’s Chinatown.  Emma wasn’t strictly a vegetarian, but she avoided meat because of the fat and calories.  So while Becky ordered a plate of cashew chicken, Emma ordered stir fried vegetables and rice.
Becky took a sip of her Pepsi and then said, “The police paid Lintner’s office a little visit today.”
Emma nearly spat out a mouthful of tea.  “The police?  What for?”
“I’m not sure.  They weren’t too forthcoming.”
“Was anyone arrested?”
“Not yet.  This apparently was more of a search and seizure thing.”
“That’s terrible.  Are you going to quit?”
Becky shrugged.  “I doubt it.  I have to stick this out until the end if I want those credits.”
“Maybe if you talk to your professor you can still get the credits, or you can work for someone else.  There are other candidates, aren’t there?”
“It’s a little late for that.”  Becky took another sip of her drink and then smiled.  “Hey, don’t worry about it.  It’s not me they’re after.  And I doubt Lintner is going to shoot it out with them.”
Emma tried not to let the awful memories surge back to the surface.  “No, I suppose not.”
“How about we talk about something happier?  How are things going at the museum?”
“Fine,” Emma said.  She forced a smile to her face.  “One of my coworkers asked me to go with him to a presentation on Saturday night.”
“Like a date?” Becky asked.
Emma’s face turned warm at this; she tried to calm herself with a sip of tea.  “It’s not a date.  We’re just going as colleagues.”
“But you’re going together?”
“Yes.”
“And will there be dinner and dancing?”
“Maybe dinner, but I don’t think there will be any dancing.”
“Still sounds like a date to me.”
“It’s not like that.  Dr. Deyfus and I are just colleagues.”
“So why did he ask you to go with him?  Is he married or something?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Do you like him?”
“He’s a very nice man.”  The realization of what she’d said set in as Becky grinned.  “But it’s not like that!”
Becky reached across the table to pat Emma’s arm.  “Come on, I’m just teasing.  I think it’s great you’ve got a friend—or colleague, whatever you want to call it.”
“Thanks.”  They ate their dinner with just some idle conversation about the election and the museum.  They stayed away from the police raid and the presentation to avoid any more awkward moments. 
They took the bus home, Emma too tired to go out to Parkdale to visit Aunt Gladys and Mr. Graves tonight.  Though she usually didn’t watch television, she sank into one of the beanbag chairs in the living room, Becky in the one next to her.  They watched An Affair to Remember, an old movie they had watched a number of times growing up.  Only this time Emma cast herself as Deborah Kerr and Dr. Dreyfus as Cary Grant.  Becky fell asleep halfway through, before the final kiss at the end.  Emma closed her eyes and imagined what Dr. Dreyfus’s lips would feel like when pressed to hers.

Friday, October 26, 2012

BIG Announcement

We Are Now Cover
I've tangentially mentioned that I've been working on a project with Neil Vogler for the last month or so now.  By this point he's probably announced we're doing something called the Flash Fiction Festival in conjunction with December House Publishing.

As the name implies it's four weeks in November with flash fiction every weekday from Me, Neil, and Sean Craven.  That's over 60 stories in all!  They cover all sorts of stuff.  I'm just going to tease the ones I did:

  1. An intergalactic Gordon Ramsey takes on his newest project
  2. A shocker in the Fantasy Love League
  3. The city's best noir accountant gets a new client
  4. The frustrations of being a female yeoman on an Enterprise-type ship
  5. A soldier tries to make it back for one last dance
  6. A bulldog mascot helps someone find true love
  7. Time travel gets dangerous for a conman
  8. A meeting of supervillains turns deadly
  9. The dead have risen...to rent videotapes?
  10. A vampire has had enough of the stereotypes
  11. A story of boy meets girl...but the girl is a dragon!
  12. On a planet of robots, one dreams of becoming a Transformer, with disastrous consequences
  13. A trip to the dentist turns deadly!
  14. A pair of socks hold the key to the Sox making the playoffs
  15. Godzilla goes on vacation to Japan
  16. A young goddess combats bullying
  17. Fairy tale land's best divorce lawyer takes on a new client
  18. Christmas brings together two warring sides during WWII
  19. A man sick of sharing his birthday with the JFK assassination takes drastic steps
  20. God decides to finally retire
  21. Two young witches are brought together to fight evil
  22. Timeless love and reincarnation at Starbucks
(BTW, it turns out only 20 of these will be posted in November.  I don't know which 2 are being dropped from the rotation.  Those two, plus one other I haven't written yet will be included in the eBook version as "bonus" material.)
Meanwhile, on this blog I'll have a whole prequel series of Scarlet Knight flash fiction!  Kind of like those old serials, it's a series of short connected stories that tell how the Scarlet Knight and Black Dragoon came to be.

The "Volume 0" is inspired by DC Comics, who have twice printed #0 prequel issues for like all their titles.  Since this is before Volume 1, it's Volume 0!  Wow.

BTW, I know people hate Sims so here's the prototype cover with real people:
Maybe that would have looked better if I'd cleaned it up a little, but it would have cost me like $13 to buy the images.  Nuts to that.  Say what you want, but Sims are FREE!

Anyway, if you're looking for a break from Nano writing and people blathering about Nano writing, there's going to be a ton of flash fiction to read every weekday in November!

You might wonder:  how does that affect this blog?  Excellent question!  The trivia question will air at its normal time--November 14 at 9am EST.  The rest of the normal stuff--Two-Fer Tuesday, Phony Photos, Comic Captions, Practical Superheroism, Everyday Heroes, Thursday Reviews--will go on hiatus until December.  I'm sure you'll miss them as much as I do.

BTW, if you want my "autograph" or virtual autograph really, you can now go to Kindlegraph and request one from Yours Truly.  Exciting stuff!

The excitement begins November 1, so until then get ready for Halloween with a creepy Phony Photo...

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Thursday Review: Breaking Bad



I remember hearing about "Breaking Bad" from when I sometimes watch movies on AMC, but after my disappointment with the premiere of "Mad Men" I didn't really pay it much mind.  Michael Offutt kept talking about it and then for a guest post on his blog I decided to involve the show in my post, so I figured I needed to watch a few episodes.  And from there on I was hooked for the most part.

The premise of the show from the pilot is there's a fairly normal chemistry teacher in Albuquerque named Walter White.  He's just turned fifty, he's got a teenage son with cerebral palsy, a devoted wife, and another kid on the way.  Things aren't great financially but they're getting by.

That is until Walt is diagnosed with lung cancer, despite that he's never smoked.  He's not given long to live, so he realizes he needs to get some money for his family.  But how?

Then he goes on a ride along with his DEA agent brother-in-law and ends up meeting crystal meth cook (and addict) Jesse Pinkman.  Walt teams up with Jesse to make some really awesome crystal meth in an RV out on an Indian reservation where no one will notice them.

From there most of the show revolves around all the various problems that come up for Walt and Jesse.  I think there was a rap that went "It ain't easy bein' a pimp" and the theme for "Breaking Bad" could be, "It ain't easy bein' a meth cook."  Here are just some of the problems they run into:

  • Two small-time dealer/distributors finding out about the RV
  • Disposing of said dealer/distributors
  • Hooking up with a bigger, psychotic distributor
  • Trying to survive said bigger, psychotic distributor
  • Explaining to the wife why he disappeared for days thanks to psychotic distributor
  • Explaining a second cell phone (which Walt isn't really successful at)
  • Obtaining chemical metha-something which necessitates breaking and entering
  • Turf war with other dealers
  • DEA agent brother-in-law tracking their "blue meth"
  • RV breaking down
  • Jesse getting too wasted to function
  • Jesse's girlfriend finding out about what he does
  • Choosing between delivering huge shipment of meth or going to birth of child
  • Wife finding out about what Walt does
  • Wife having affair with her boss
  • New lab assistant who seeks to replace Walt
  • Disposing of said lab assistant
  • A fly contaminating the lab
  • Laundering the millions of dollars coming in 
  • Escaping the wrath of the Mexican drug cartel
  • Escaping the wrath of Gustavo the Chicken Man
  • Disposing of Gustavo the Chicken Man
  • Wife's boss getting in trouble with the IRS
  • Destroying the evidence of Chicken Man's operation
  • Setting up a new meth cooking operation
  • Disposing of the Chicken Man's henchmen in prison
  • Winning the hearts and minds of wife and son (which Walt isn't really successful at on the wife front)
And yeah that probably just scratches the surface.  Especially in the first four seasons, whenever it seemed Walt was finally set with the money he needed (he estimated at least $737,000) some other disaster would crop up.

As I said in my "Strategery" guest post, I enjoyed the meth cooking parts and all the true crime-type stuff.  The family drama stuff got boring.  In the second and third seasons there are stretches where Walt and Jesse are going to stop cooking meth.  Those are the parts that get kind of boring, in large part because you know they aren't going to stop cooking meth for long, so it seems like vamping.

If I had watched the series when it actually aired, I might have given up in the third season.  Once Walt's wife Skyler finds out (almost out of the blue she deduces it too) she turns into this huge bitch (and in season 4 she's literally HUGE) and the scenes with her and Walt are usually as warm as in "Citizen Kane" where him and wife sit at the breakfast table after years of marriage with nothing to say to each other and barely-hidden contempt for each other.  And then after Hank gets shot and he turns into a whiny bitch it really wasn't an added incentive to watch.

I think what especially saved the fourth season were the secondary characters like sleazy lawyer Saul Goodman, grizzled "fixer" Mike, and smooth operator Gustavo Fring (The Chicken Man).  Fring especially became awesome in that fourth season.  In the third season he just seemed like this nerdy black guy who owns chicken restaurants and happens to run a huge meth syndicate.  I mean the guy ran the operation largely out of his tiny office in a chicken restaurant, drove a Volvo, and lived in an ordinary house; not exactly "Scarface" or "The Godfather" there.  In the fourth season he shows his inner Michael Corleone, especially when he deals with the Mexican cartel.  And the riveting scene where he calmly puts on a rubber suit and then slashes a guy's jugular with a box cutter without saying a word.

In my first blog, though I said it's a problem if the secondary characters start eating more time and are more interesting than the primary ones.  Especially in a TV series the stars of the show are supposed to be your stars.  If guest stars are overshadowing them, then it's a problem.

The end of the fourth season, while pretty cool, is one of those annoying twist endings that relies on the audience discarding much of what we know about a character.  It also relies on precognizance bordering on ESP.  I mean for Walt's plan to actually work A) We have to discard what we think we know about him in terms of his homicidal tendencies and B) He has to be several steps ahead of the Chicken Man, which up to that point had not been the case.  But it was nice to see Walt outsmart Gus and thus reclaim his role as the focal point of the series.

To give you an idea how into the show I got, I paid $13.99 to get the first half of the fifth season on Amazon.  By that time it had already aired on AMC and apparently from their website they weren't reairing it any time soon.  (Nor was it On Demand and Netflix only has through season 4).  I didn't want to wait months to see what happened next, so I shelled out the money.  (The good thing about Amazon was I could buy the whole half-season at a slight discount per episode.)

Season 5 epitomizes another problem I have, which is that Walt is a wishy-washy badass.  Especially in this season he bullies his wife and gets tough with a new distributor, but still if it comes to a real fight he's kind of a pussy.  The only way he can kill anyone is if it's a sneak attack or he gets someone else to do it for him.  If you're toe-to-toe with him, though, you can still push him around pretty easy because come on he's a 51-year-old cancer patient, not some big tough young guy.  So sometimes he's Scarface and sometimes he's just a bitch, yo.

It's kind of funny how in Season 5 Jesse becomes the voice of reason.  When they need to erase some data on a laptop in police custody, he's the one who comes up with the plan.  When they need to hijack some metha-whatever from a train, he's the one who comes up with the basic plan.  When did he get so smart?  Maybe when he got off the drugs?

Anyway, overall though I enjoy the show.  I definitely want to see how it turns out next summer.  I mean what the hell is Walt doing a year from where the season ended with a .50-caliber machine gun in his trunk?  Is he going to go out in "Say hello to my little friend" fashion?  Hurm.

So I'd definitely recommend watching it.  It was a definite improvement over "Mad Men."  I'm just saying.

Check back tomorrow for a BIG BIG BIIIIIIIIIIIG ANNOUNCEMENT!!!! (Did I mention it's big?)

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Practical Superheroism 6: Means of Travel


Disclaimer:  Look if you haven't got it by now you never will.  Don't try this at home!

The last couple times I talked about weapons and other items a practical superhero needs to carry around.  Now we get to transportation.  Now since you aren't lucky enough to have been granted superpowers by Earth's yellow sun or a genetic mutation or anything, chances are you can't fly or run super fast or swing around on web ropes or any other nonsense.  Unfortunately you probably also don't have billions of dollars and your own personal workshop to build cars, planes, helicopters, rockets, and whatever else for yourself.

At the same time, as a superhero you can't really take a bus around town.  And that rusty Volkswagen Golf that can't go more than 40mph would take forever to get you to a crime scene.  And your cape would get caught up in the spokes of a 10-speed.  There's always a Segway, but then you'd just look ridiculous. 

The obvious solution:  a motorcycle.  That's the conclusion I came to when I was writing the end of the first draft of A Hero's Journey way back in 2009.  It was inspired mostly by the end of "The Dark Knight" where he rides around on the "Batpod" after the Batmobile gets blown up.  It seemed to me a motorcycle has a few advantages:

  1. Speed:  If you get a decent bike it can go well over 100mph.
  2. Size:  A motorcycle is small enough that you don't need a whole Batcave to hide it.
  3. Maneuverability:  Because it's small it also has a lot better agility than a car.  That's great when you need to weave through crowded streets or alleys in hot pursuit of bad guys or to flee the cops.
  4. Mileage:  Bikes typically get better gas mileage, though if you're driving at 100mph all the time that might be negated.
  5. Cost:  Just a guess here, but I'd wager it's a lot cheaper than buying a Lamborghini or Maserati or some high-performance sports car.
  6. Coolness:  Come on, it just looks fucking cool!  Much cooler than that rusty Volkswagen.  Helps you make a good impression and such.
The obvious drawback is that you don't have as much protection as a car with its airbags and windshield and whatnot, so you have to be really careful.  For me the other drawback is you need to have good balance, which I do not have.

Biker chick!
Anyway, so in A Hero's Journey my hero Dr. Emma Earl, aka the Scarlet Knight, has no means of transportation.  She didn't own a car so she had to take a bus or taxi to work at the Plaine Museum.  When she got the scarlet armor, she traveled mostly by jumping from rooftop to rooftop, which was easy in the old parts of the city where buildings were fairly close together.

By the end of that book she gets herself a motorcycle to ride around on for the reasons I stated above.  It's a lot faster than jumping around and hey, it helps her get to work too, which is an added bonus.

Of course I know nothing about motorcycles except they're loud and annoying and again require too much balance and coordination for me to ever own.  So really I can't recommend specific brands or models or anything like that.  For my story I had her get a Ninja one--a red one of course!--just because I thought it looked cool.  It kind of reminds me of the Cyclone bikes in Robotech--or Mospaeda if you want to get all technical.  Except obviously it doesn't turn into a suit of robot armor.  Dang it.

So it looks sort of like this:
Vroom vroom!
Yeah, that's pretty sweet.  Of course you can get a boring Harley if you want.  Or even one of those three-wheeled Spyder dealies.  That might be better for someone with no balance or coordination like me.  I like the sleekness of this better.

Now here's something important to note:  when she goes out as the Scarlet Knight, she takes the license plate off.  If you're good at engineering you can problem get it so the plate can flip down or something.  Since my character is a genius, she also creates a security system that would shock someone with 5,000 volts if they try to steal it.  You probably aren't that smart, but there are things you can buy to make the bike harder to steal, like a collar dealie like the kid used in "Breaking Bad" and was then used to strangle a drug dealer.  Though later his bike gets stolen anyway.  D'OH!

The obvious problem is if you don't have a lot of money, what are you supposed to do?  I'm sure you can get a used bike for fairly cheap.  Or maybe you could steal one!  (Not that I would endorse that because you'd probably get caught.)  If not, well I guess you'd better make sure you've got a bus pass.

If you want to read about a kick-ass superhero in action then buy my book A Hero's Journey for just $2.99!

Tomorrow is what all of you--or at least Michael Offutt--have been waiting for:  my epic Breakdown of "Breaking Bad"...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

We Interrupt Two-Fer Tuesday to Bring You This...

I'm cancelling today's Two-Fer Tuesday because I was working on a query letter last week and I wanted to get some opinions on it.  Ordinarily I'd post it on Friday, but Chapter 3 is posting on Friday, so what the heck.  No one really likes these Tuesday posts anyway.

This is a query for my story Chance of a Lifetime.  Now that I've got some actual stuff on my bio, I thought maybe I'd query it to agents and see if I get lucky.  (Probably not.)  Which means I need to do a query letter.  I tried one last winter on the Grumpy Bulldog blog.  Here's a new, possibly improved version.


When Detective Steve Fischer crosses the mob, he winds up like so many others at the bottom of the harbor.  But thanks to an experimental drug, Steve gets a chance for revenge.  There’s just one side effect:  Steve wakes up as a young woman.

She assumes the name Stacey Chance and sets out to avenge Steve Fischer.  Stacey’s quest becomes more urgent when she learns mob boss Artie Luther plans to sell the experimental drug’s formula to a shady Chinese firm.  Without the drug’s formula, Stacey has no hope to ever be Steve again. 

Armed with only her newfound feminine wiles, Stacey seduces one of Luther’s men and then begins to work her way up the chain of command.  Before she can get to Luther or the formula, though, she might end up at the bottom of the harbor again. 

Chance of a Lifetime is an 85,000-word thriller about revenge and redemption .

My first novel A Hero’s Journey was released by Solstice Publishing in October. 
And remember you can buy my book for just $2.99! 

Tomorrow Practical Superheroism continues!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Phony Photos: Alternate Dimensions

Last week I showed you original Emma Earl and then alternate universe Emma Earl.  This week we have an even greater before-and-after with Emma's friend Becky Beech.  You can see the original Becky in the Character Bios and other places, but here to refresh your memory:


And now the alternate universe version looks very different:


So obviously Becky is a lot skinnier in this version, sort of anorexic looking.  And blond too.  The idea is that in the alternate universe Becky was adopted by Emma's family at a young age, thus she never gained so much weight to become a big fat whale.  As with Emma she's a bit more fun too, caused mostly by not having to take care of a bunch of little sisters or worry about her mother's drunken rampages or anything like that, so this Becky dyes her hair and wears more makeup and sexier clothes and just generally looks a lot hotter.  Yeah, baby!

Tuesday is NOT another Two-Fer.  Instead, there will be something else that's possibly even less interesting...

Friday, October 19, 2012

The Blog Tour Concludes!

A quick reminder that my blog tour concludes today and tomorrow on two of Briane Pagel's blogs:

I'm sure not as many people blog on Saturday but you know you can't miss talking about cheeseburgers!
Don't forget, one commenter on each blog will win a free copy of the book in PDF format!

And let me say if anyone else wants me to guest post on their blog, just let me know!  As you can see, I try to tailor my posts to fit your blog, so long as I'm familiar with it.  I'm not really a fan of one-size-fits-all type guest posts.

Thanks to everyone who's bought the book so far!  If you want a copy, it's available in eBook through my publisher and also Amazon, B&N, and other retailers.  A print version should be available in a couple of months.  I'd say early 2013 is more realistic than this year.  When they tell me, I'll tell you.

And of course thanks to Michael Offutt, Laura Diamond, Rusty Carl, Stephen Hayes, and Briane Pagel for hosting me all this week.  You rock!

Monday is another Phony Photo...

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Thursday Review: Young Family by Claire Lachance

A reminder that today I'm on the old Chubby Chatterbox's blog with a little reminiscing.

This is book #2 of the Children of Eternity series and the sequel to Forever Young that I talked about last month.  In that book, a 10-year-old girl named Samantha Young wakes up on a strange island with no idea of who she is or how she got there.  The island is populated by about 50 children and lorded over by the Reverend Crane.  Samantha eventually discovered that the reverend had found the Fountain of Youth in a cave on the island and had been using its water for over 350 years to keep everyone on the island as small children he could easily manipulate.

Five years later, Crane and his henchman Pryde are dead.  Samantha, now 12--if the math of that doesn't make sense there's a good reason--has spent the last five years as the de facto leader of the island.  Now that she's starting to hit puberty, she begins to get anxious to go to the mainland and look for answers about her past.

Except on the night she decides to sneak out to get on the boat and go, a massive storm hits the island.  Too bad the kids there don't have the Weather Channel to know when a hurricane is coming.  Samantha takes shelter in Pryde's old house, where she finds remnants of the atrocities he committed over the last 350 years.  She also finds some clothes belonging to her mother and a photograph of her and her family.

Once the storm passes, Samantha goes down to the beach and finds a fishing boat washed up on shore.  Inside she finds a man with the same darker skin complexion and black hair as her.  When he finally comes around, he claims that Samantha is really his niece Lucinda who went missing five years earlier and that he's her Uncle Hector.

As overjoyed as Samantha is to finally have some answers to her past, her friends Prudence and Rebecca are skeptical.  And perhaps with good reason...

This story is a little bit longer than the first one and not as action-packed.  Most of the action involves Samantha and her friends being chased by some of Pryde's hellhounds who survived from the last book.  It might also be frustrating for some that not more clues about Samantha's past are given.  There are a few more pieces to the jigsaw puzzle, but even some of these seem dubious.  But then again this is a series and if you were to learn all the answers how could there be more books, right?

Besides Samantha, the character of Rebecca takes center stage as she becomes something of a second-in-command to Samantha.  Samantha's friend Prudence gets less time in this sequel, spending much of her time in a big hole in the ground.

Still there is some nice character development.  As they say, the plot thickens.  For 99 cents the writing is pretty good too.  I'm just saying.

Want another awesome action story?  Buy my novel A Hero's Journey, just $2.99 in eBook formats!



Monday is another Phony Photo...

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