What Would You Doooo...For Writing Success?

 Remember those Klondike ice cream bar commercials in the 80s and 90s (and maybe they still do them today) where some guy on the street would go around asking people what they'd do for a Klondike and then ask them to do something stupid like act like a monkey or whatever?  I think they've even done parodies of them on Family Guy and Robot Chicken and so on.

Last month I watched a movie called Writer's Block and read a book by Donald Westlake called The Hook and both involved a less successful writer being coerced by a famous writer to doing something skeevy to downright criminal.   So I thought I'd do a little Klondike-type game with the scenarios in these books.  Then Phantom Readers can think about what they'd do.

Question 1:  A famous writer wants to invite you to his remote ranch in southern Texas to work on a book.  You won't be allowed to take your car or phone and you can't leave the ranch once you're there.  You could be there for weeks or even months.  But you, a struggling unknown writer, get to work at the feet of a master craftsman.  Do you say yes and go to the famous author's ranch or do you say nah, I'm good?  

Question 2:  An old friend who's now a famous author says he's blocked on his latest book.  Since you happen to have an unpublished manuscript handy, would you give it to him so he can rework it and claim it as his own in exchange for 50% of the advance of $1.1M?

Question 3:  At the ranch in Question 1, the famous author wants you to outline and write a book that he'll publish under his name.  The payout is far less generous than Question 2 as well.  Do you write it or tell him to stuff himself and demand to go home?

Question 4:  The old friend from Question 2 says he's blocked because his divorce has dragged on a while.  And his soon-to-be-ex will get half of any profits from his next book--ie the one you'd give to him.  But if something happens to his wife, the divorce will be over and he'll get all the money from the book to share with you.  Do you help him out with the wife problem or tell him to go hire a real hitman? 

Question 5:  While writing at the ranch from Questions 1 & 3, you find out that this famous author has not written any of his own books in a long time and you're just another in a string of less notable writers he's brought in to do his dirty work.  And after he's done with them, he has them killed and their skin turned into covers for his books.  What would you doooo...?

Question 6:  Let's say you killed the wife in Question 4 without being caught and are now $550,000 richer.  But a couple of months later, the famous author you helped is starting to crack, risking that you could be outed as a murderer.  What would you doooo...?

If anyone answers, try to be honest and don't try anything too outrageous or stupid. 

Obvious legal disclaimer:  You should not murder fellow authors or their spouses and should definitely not turn their skin into book covers.