A to Z Challenge is Here

Hooray, time for my least favorite blogging time of the year!  That and NaNoWriMo time.  I've sporadically participated in the A to Z thing.  I know some people put a lot of work into it, spending hours researching a bunch of topics.  I've never seen the point.  My entry was #1326, so how many people do you think are actually going to see it?  Maybe more than will see like the 640th entry, right in the middle of the list.  And the people who might see it are probably just clicking like mad and maybe posting a "Thanks for sharing."

Last year on my blog I used A to Z to advertise my books.  On the late Indie Writers Monthly blog I used it to advertise (mostly) other people's books.  It doesn't take a lot of effort and maybe it'll help sell a book or two.

Of course I've written a lot of books since last April 30th, so I'll be focusing (mostly) on those books for this A to Z Challenge.  The fun (not really) starts on next Wednesday.  In the meantime I'll have a couple more real blog entries on Monday and Friday.  In case you want to stop by.  Not that many do and even fewer say anything.  Uh-hum.

But you won't be seeing many of these, lucky you:

Someone Save the Author From Himself

Recently on Writers.net another guy nonchalantly unveiled his master plan for selling his book.  My jaw almost immediately hit the floor for how utterly ridiculous and naive it sounded because usually the guy is pretty levelheaded, albeit smug and condescending.  So here's his genius scheme:

1. Print 5,000 books
2. Give those 5,000 books away
3. Advertise on the Radio (because he's "got a guy" who can give him a good deal)
4. Profit!

It's like, Wait, you're going to GIVE AWAY 5,000 books?  Hello, the average mid-list book is lucky to even SELL that many.  More to the point, do you have any idea how much printing 5,000 books costs?  I didn't so I found a page on CreateSpace with estimates.  The guy is under the impression you can still sell those little paperbacks, not the bigger trade paperbacks, so I used just about the smallest size they have and estimated 300 pages.

As you can see with shipping that's $25,000!  But hey it's all right, he's not going to use CreateSpace; he's going to use some conventional printer.  To which I thought, "You're going to print 5,000 books at Staples?"  Probably not, but I can't imagine whoever he has in mind is going to be much better in terms of creating a professional product.

Being condescending and smug he keeps saying, "You're just being negative" and implying he knows so much more about the business.  I'm not being negative; I'm being sane.  Unless you're independently wealthy, you don't put yourself in the hole $20,000 before you've even got the books in your possession.  I know Guy Kawasaki or whatever his name is says to do that, but he's nuts.  You can use that old adage "You got to spend money to make money" but that's better applied to factories or restaurants or real businesses.  Books don't make money!  OK, most of them.  The way the Big Four (or Five) operate is pretty much like movie studios:  you have your "tentpole" books and authors who generate most of the revenue and then you have a bunch of small fish who if they generate some profit that's great and if they don't, it's not a huge loss.  Most publishers won't pay for big book tours and all that because they know the book isn't probably going to make money, so why add to the losses?

And being an old guy, he's probably not even considering ebooks.  Which, hello, are FREE to publish!  I've maybe given away 5,000 copies of Chance of a Lifetime online and it didn't cost me 25 cents let alone $25,000.

But hey, this guy will defy the odds, right?  Because he believes.  Ha.  When I first published Where You Belong I bought a whole case of them.  I'm not sure what I thought I was really going to do with them; maybe sell them out of the trunk of my car.  I sold a few on EBay and to people I know, but a lot of them I ended up giving away on Goodreads.  That didn't cost me near $25,000 but it was enough to tell me to be like the Big Fish and keep my costs as low as possible and eke out what little profit I can.  Reaching for the stars is nice, but the stars are trillions of miles away and even if you could reach one you'd burn up.  That's sort of a proverb, I guess.

I keep imagining this guy being like the Dennis Farina character in "Authors Anonymous," selling his badly-printed book in his girlfriend's hardware store.  But maybe his goofy plan will pay off; stranger things have happened.

The Hunt (And Frustration) Continues

About 10 days ago I mentioned moving into a new place and people asked if I had a job.  Not really.  I got my old job back for 15 days--work days that we spread over like a month.  So I've still been looking for a "real" job and mostly running into brick walls.

The biggest annoyance was last Thursday morning.  The previous Friday I'd found a message in my yahoo Spam folder from someone who wanted to discuss a job.  So I contacted the guy, but as I did I started to get the vibe that something wasn't on the level.  Like how he wouldn't tell me the actual name of where I was supposed to be interviewing.  Maybe I could have found out from a Google search of the address or something.

Anyway, he tells me that it's at 8:30 and to be there early, so I get there at like 8:15.  I get to the suite number and see it's some life insurance sales place.  Cue the Price is Right sad trombone!  Because I knew it wasn't really a job interview.  It was one of those seminar type deals where they tell you how many millions of dollars you can make selling life insurance. Ha, yeah right.  If the guy who had contacted me had told me the name of the place or the real job title instead of the euphemistic "Member Benefits Representative" then I wouldn't have even bothered going.  But I did go because what the hell I was there.

The funny part is as they made their pitch, I realized I had actually had one of their people in my home before!  The way their system (scam) works is they get unions like the one I belonged to to send out fliers saying, "Hey, want $1000 of free life insurance?  Fill out this card!"  So one time I did fill out the card, because what the hell, it's free right?  Well then I started getting calls from this guy from the insurance company who just had to show up in person for me to sign stuff.  We couldn't do it through the mail or anything right?  Well of course the reason for that is after you sign for your free insurance they try to sell you a bunch of add-ons.  When I refused the guy got mean-spirited and basically said I should buy some insurance before I was too fat for anyone to cover me.

So yeah that's the company that was going to make me a millionaire--if only I worked hard enough!  What really sucked is because this jerk told me to get there before 8:30 I didn't get any breakfast on the way and they didn't have anything there.  They couldn't have some bagels or donuts or muffins or something?  They didn't start their stupid pitch until like 9am and it wasn't getting over until after 10:15 (or that's when I walked out) so by the time I got back to my car and stuff I couldn't even go to McDonald's or something.  Although I did get brunch at a coney island a little later.  Still, that seems like the least those assholes could do if they're going to waste my time.

It was funny they start off by saying they've never laid anyone off.  Only much later they subtly say that if you don't earn $60,000 in commissions per year you get fired.  So yeah, they don't "lay off" people.  They also couldn't ever bring themselves to say "commission."  I guess that's like saying "Benefits Representative" instead of "Salesman."

Anyway, I high-tailed it when they decided that after over an hour we should all go around the room introducing ourselves like an AA meeting.  Who am I?  I'm leaving.  I should have done it the second I saw the place.

Not that it's a total scam.  I mean I'm sure some people do get rich selling life insurance.  It's just I won't be one of those people.

Later in the day I got an email from someone who had seen my resume on Indeed and thought I'd be perfect to manage the branch of their crane business.  Um, what?  I don't know anything about cranes or construction equipment in general.  I haven't managed anyone since Junior Achievement in the early 90s.  I haven't worked in the customer service industry since Burger King in the late 90s.  So really on what do you think I'd be a great fit for that position?  Because I live in the area and have a business degree?

I can't tell you how many times I've had an interview and they ask, "Do you know Quickbooks [or ADP]?"  And I say, No and they're like, "Oh, well we need someone who does."  The thing about that is I have a section of my resume saying what computer programs I know and Quickbooks and ADP ain't on there!  So really, why do you waste my time?

That's been the problem.  So much of the process just feels like a big waste of time.  Temp agencies with jobs for everyone except me, jerks who don't seem to read resumes before contacting me, other jerks who don't return my phone calls even though they told me to call, and of course those who contact me about jobs I am grossly unqualified for.  It makes me wish I could make enough money with writing that I wouldn't have to worry about this crap.

Anyway, I just needed to rant about that.

Tales of the Scarlet Knight FREE Through Sunday!

Sorry I don't have a real post today, but I'm too busy rearranging all my shit to fit into my new apartment.  Moving is such a pain in the ass, but then so is living on the road.  The point being that life is a pain in the ass unless maybe you're like my sisters and stay in the same house your entire fucking life.

Anyway, if you thought a whole $6.93 was too much a few months ago for the Tales of the Scarlet Knight series, now you can get all 8 books for FREE through Sunday from Amazon!

If you've been living under a rock concerning this blog or just never been here before, the Tales of the Scarlet Knight series begins with A Hero's Journey, about a young geologist named Dr. Emma Earl who finds a suit of magic plate armor.  When she dons the armor, she becomes the latest incarnation of the Scarlet Knight, with super strength, invisibility, and a sword that can cut through anything.  With her powers she takes on an ancient evil known as the Black Dragoon.

In volume II, Time Enough to Say Goodbye, Emma takes on a horde of demons and a girl who manipulates time, inadvertently bringing Emma's dead parents back to life!  To put things right again can Emma let her parents die a second time?

In volume III, The Hazards of Love, the man Emma has been pining for returns to Rampart City with a new bride!  This new bride is named Isis--not like the goddess; she is the goddess!  And she's bent on regaining her power.  Only the Scarlet Knight can hope to stop her.

In volume IV, Change of Heart, Emma finds a strange meteor that inadvertently causes her to switch bodies with her chubby friend Becky.  A Russian gangster wants the meteor for himself and he's willing to do anything to get it.  Can Becky stop them?  And can Emma find a way to switch them back?

In volume V, Betrayal Begets Blood, an arms dealer masquerading as a high-tech businessman coerces Emma's witch friend Sylvia to help him take down the Scarlet Knight.  How can Emma stop a reign of terror without destroying her friend?

In volume VI, Future Shock, Emma is sent forward 20 years into the future by a magic spell.  There she meets her daughter Louise, who is a scientist like her.  Soon enough Emma also meets the resurgent Isis, who is more powerful than ever.  Isis is so powerful that a new Scarlet Knight has to take up the fight--Louise!

In volume VII, Living Sacrifice, Emma finds out that the daughter she thought had died in childbirth 2 years ago is still alive and living in Russia.  Emma's witch friend Agnes likewise has to travel across the world to stop a group of assassins from kidnapping her baby.  This is only the tip of a very deadly iceberg.

Finally, in volume VII, The Heart of Emma Earl, Isis has taken Emma captive and turned Rampart City into her own personal playground.  The world will soon follow, unless Emma's friends can find her and break her free from Isis' spell.  But can even the greatest Scarlet Knight of them all stop a goddess?

As I always say, if you don't really want to read them, download them anyway to pump up my ranking on Amazon.  I can use all the help I can get.  And maybe now someday someone other than me will actually have read the whole series.

You Can't Please Everyone (Or Anyone)

It's conventional wisdom that you can't please everyone.  Here's that wisdom in book review form!

Exhibit A:

Oh please! These are about as boring as one can get. Nothing, let me repeat, NOTHING in these tales is erotic. What is the point of writing this type of story if the author is not going to try to make it sexually exciting?

Exhibit B:

I almost want to apologize for this review, because I typically enjoy this author's work and feel that he is a cut above the other writers working in this genre. But I found this story terribly unoriginal and felt cheated at the end. The author seems to be getting a little lazy with his most recent stories and I wish he would take more time in developing his characters and fleshing out a story. He doesn't have to keep trying to crank out a book every week because the quality is suffering.

I got a an email similar to Exhibit B complaining that my most recent book wasn't as good because the story wasn't fleshed-out enough, etc., etc.

But as you can see, one person complains that one of my books is boring and not sexually exciting.  So after reading a couple books by different authors I decide, "OK, I'll do a traditional-type story and focus on more sex.  Take that!"  And what happens?  Someone else complains there's not enough story.  This is my life.

The second review was actually more annoying.  The dude just a week earlier called me lazy.  Which if you think about it makes his reviews kind of lazy.  Find a new insult!

Exhibit C:

I must admit to being somewhat let down by this collection of stories. I have been a fan of Eric's work and have purchased numerous books and collections, but in this instance, I feel that the author got lazy, especially with the first story. I have come to expect a twist and payoff at the conclusion of each of his stories, but this left me flat. That said, I feel Eric is a notch above the typical author working in this genre and I will look to his future releases with enthusiasm.

Part of the annoying thing is OK you're such a big fan but you've written 1 positive review and 2 negative ones.  God knows I could use more good reviews (of all my books, not just these ones) so why do you only use reviews to rag on me?

Anyway, am I going to take his comments to heart?  Slow down and focus more on story?  Um, no, probably not.  I hate to break it to this guy, but I need money.  I got to pay rent now, I need food, water, gas for my car, health insurance, etc.  Until I can get a steady 9-to-5 job I need to write books to help put some change in my pocket.  And yeah I need to write books that will actually sell, so quit nagging me because I'm trying to write something people will buy.

And that's the point; a lot of the blame falls on YOU.  Not you personally so much as YOU the general public.  I was watching The Critic on DVD recently and in one episode film critic Jay Sherman earns a Pulitzer by admonishing the public for supporting crap.  The gist of his rant was they won't make crap if you don't buy crap.

I mean think of it this way:  I'd still be writing literary fiction if people had bought Where You Belong.  Or I'd still be writing superhero stories if people had bought the Tales of the Scarlet Knight series.  If my initial gender swap erotica stories hadn't sold, I sure as fuck wouldn't have written 36 of them.  I mean, I'm not that much of a fucking masochist.

By extension, when you only review the books you don't like, you're not really helping.  I mean sure in your mind you're trying to steer people away from a bad book, but you're not steering them towards a good book if all you do is write negative reviews.  Like this guy who keeps saying he loves my other books and yet has only reviews one of them positively.  You love those books so much, why don't you write a goddamned 5-star review?  Then you might help generate more sales for those good books and thus people will buy those books and thus I, with dollar signs in my eyes, will write more of those books.

I mean the way I do this is how a smart big publisher or movie studio works.  If something makes money then I greenlight a sequel.  Transformed Into a Pregnant Girl wasn't one of my favorites, but shit it sold a bunch of copies so I wrote a sequel.  Whereas I liked Transformed Into a Geek Girl and Transformed Into a Fat Girl but they didn't sell, so there ain't no sequels.  That's the Invisible Hand economist Adam Smith talked about.  And in this case, the more traditional book with more sex sold pretty well off the bat, thus the sequel is greenlit.  Your money at work!

Speaking of books, until Wednesday you can get 3 of my books free!  (And a fourth is free through today.)  Two are PT Dilloway books and two are Eric Filler books.

Sisterhood:  This is a prequel of sorts to the Scarlet Knight series.  Think of it kind of like Highlander only with witches instead of sword fights.  Sylvia and Agnes Joubert are born in the 15th Century and because they're witches are basically immortal.  Over 4 centuries their lives take different paths:  Agnes staying home to raise a family and Sylvia struggling to find a place where she fits in.

Awakening (Birth of Magic):  This is an alternate universe from Sisterhood but it also focuses on Agnes and Sylvia, renamed Agatha and Stephanie.  In this story it's the late 1930s and the Nazis are trying to find a way to tap magic for their own purposes.  When an American scientist creates a "magic wand," Stephanie has to protect him from the Nazis.

Transformed Into a MILF (Transformed #8): In "Stacey's Mom," a horny teenage boy gets more than he bargained for when he becomes his friend Stacey's hot mom.  And in "" a Rush Limbaugh-type radio talk show host is kidnapped by a couple of women who send him back in time to the 50s--as his mother!  He starts to realize the good ol' days weren't as good as he thought.

Transformed Into a Cougar Too (Transformed #20):  In "The Hunt" a selfish jerk fires his secretary/mistress because she's getting old.  So she enlists a witch to turn him into a middle-aged woman.  Now he has 2 weeks to get married or he'll be stuck as a woman forever!  And in "The Hunger" a nerdy boy at a nightclub thinks he finds the woman of his dreams, but she takes a lot more than his virginity!  The next morning he wakes up as a woman who has to have sex or else get older and older until he turns to dust!

The Cougar Too one is only free until today but the others are free through Wednesday.  As I always say, even if you don't want to read them, download them anyway to help pump up my sales rank on Amazon.  And be sure not to write a review unless you're some jerk who only wants to nag me for one reason or another.  Boom, full circle!

Memories of the Road

Last Monday I officially became un-homeless.  Though it's only today (in theory) that I'm moving in.  Anyway, that means Grumpy Bulldog Does America is officially over.  I hadn't really been doing much of America the last three months, just going back and forth from Metro Detroit to Saginaw and back again.  It was kind of frustrating those months because society is basically set up so that if you don't have a job and you don't have a home then you should live on the street because with credit checks and such you can't get a home if you don't have a job, even if you have the money to pay for an apartment or something.  Unless maybe you could buy a house for cash or something, but if you don't have that much money then you're pretty screwed.

When I was reading the Transformed Collection with the first 22 books I wrote for that series, it made me think of where I had written some of the stories.

• The first 11 volumes I wrote in Metro Detroit.
• Volume 12 I started in Port Huron, MI at a Panera Bread.  The first story I think I was still working on all the way in Mitchell, SD.
• I finished Volume 12 between Rapid City, SD and Spokane, WA
• Volume 13 I started at a Starbucks in Spokane
• I finished Volume 13 at another Starbucks in Metro Seattle.  
• It gets a little hazy then.  I must have done Volume 14 between Portland, OR and Salt Lake City, UT.
• I wrote Transformed for Halloween in my first stint in Scottsdale, AZ at a Starbucks across from my motel
• I probably did the first half of Volume 15 between Phoenix and Albuquerque, NM.
• I started the second half of Volume 15 at a Starbucks in Santa Fe, NM that was weird in that it only had outdoor seating.  I didn't like their seats so I used my own lawn chair.
• I started Volume 16 at an Arby's in Roswell, NM
• The rest of Volume 16 and then Volumes 17-20 plus Transformed for Christmas I wrote in my second stint in Scottsdale, mostly either at the Starbucks or in my room, using the ironing board for a desk.
• I did start Volume 18 at an Arby's in Scottsdale but got interrupted by a stupid temp agency interview request that was a big waste of time of course.
• In Kalamazoo, MI I wrote The Lipstick Lesbian Elixir and My Rommate Changed Me Into a Goth Girl! Mostly at an Arby's nearby where they started to recognize me when I came in.
• Everything after that I wrote bouncing from Detroit and Saginaw.

Now I'll be based in New Hudson, MI, which is on the western fringe of the Detroit area.  There's a park I really like going to there, so maybe I'll do some new writing there on those rare days the weather doesn't suck.  If not there's the Arby's, a Starbucks, and a Biggby Coffee in town, so there you go.

How Not to Introduce Yourself to a Writing Group

Not much happens on Writers.net anymore, but recently a dude livened things up with an annoying introduction.  Basically in the "New Member Introductions" forum he posted a commercial for his book.  The headline for this commercial proclaimed himself "Canada's #1 Master of Suspense."

The thing of it is, maybe "introducing yourself" with a commercial isn't against any Terms of Service, but it's just a dumb way to go about it.  It's like walking into a room and shouting "BUY MY BOOK!"  It's a huge turn-off.  I mean come on, who likes getting cold calls or having some salesperson showing up on their doorstep?  Hardly anyone, so it's more likely to backfire on you than generate any sales.

Then there's declaring yourself the "#1 Master of Suspense" when you vanity published your book and it's ranked over 1 million on Amazon.  How corny is that?  Of course the dude says someone else called him that, but you're the one using it as the header of your post and in the description for your book, so you're not backing away from it.

Additionally when someone critiques your story, it's not a good idea to start raving about copyright infringement.  If you put a sample of your book out on the web, you can't really bitch if someone finds it and critiques it.

Anyway, the point here is when you're introducing yourself to a writing group, online or in person, don't be a selfish dick.  Act like you actually give a shit about the group, not just moving a few copies of your bullshit vanity published book.

Best of the Best

I've been slowly reading through the ultimate omnibus of my Transformed gender swap series, which contains the first 20 volumes plus 2 of the holiday ones (Halloween & XMas).  Doing the math it features 42 stories.  It got me thinking which stories I like the best of the series.  So here's the Top 10 list!

1.  Sirens (Transformed Into a Whore):  This has the distinction of being the only story to feature chapters.  As I read it, I thought I could probably stretch it into a whole book if I ever wanted to.  It's about a Jack the Ripper type killer who loves to asphyxiate hookers while he gets himself off.  One night he picks up the wrong hooker, who turns out to be a siren, one of those chicks of ancient lore who can paralyze men with her song.  She decides to punish him by making him into a siren too.  And while at first it really sucks, becoming a siren might be the key to the guy's destiny!

2.  Graveyard Girls (Transformed Into a Goth Girl):  This uses one of the more unusual (and nonsensical) transformation methods.  A guy is cleaning the attic of his mom's house and finds this old punk record by a group called the Graveyard Girls.  He listens to this one song that puts him into kind of a trance and when he snaps out of it he has become a Goth girl!  Stranger yet, his mom and everyone else can't remember he was ever a boy.  He makes friends with another Goth girl and they go on a road trip to track down the lead singer of the group so maybe he can change back.  Sexy mayhem ensues!

3.  Fourth Wall (Transformed Into a Little Girl Too):  This is a fun one for comic book fans.  Some of it harkens back to my Girl Power series.  There's a Superman-type character who thanks to a Lex Luthor-like character is transported into another dimension where he's just a little girl who reads the comic book featuring who he used to be.  It gets weirder when in the comics the Superman-type character also becomes a little girl, exactly like him!  He convinces his mommy to take him to see the comic's writer and they start to work out a scheme to get him back into the comic book world, which involves him growing into a sexy young woman who finds that being a superhero in the real world isn't a lot of fun.

4.  The Merger (Transformed Into a Goth Girl):  It's the tender romance of a sleazy real estate mogul who gets turned into a broke bartender at a Goth nightclub and has to live with a nerdy writer.  But first the former real estate mogul has a fling with the other bartender, who used to be his mistress.  You know, because I needed to keep some sex in the story.  As you can see the Goth Girl one turned out to be really good--in my not-so-humble opinion.

5.   Of Two Minds (Transformed Into a Schoolgirl):  There's some fun Frankenstein-ish pseudoscience in this one.  A guy gets laid off when his factory decides to move to China.  The dude gets drunk and decides to take his frustrations out on a young Asian girl he sees walking by.  He strangles her, but then is shot by the cops.  When he wakes up, he's become the girl he killed!  Basically the girl's neurosurgeon father fixed parts of his daughter's brain with that of her murderer, the end result being that his memories are in her body.  But the more he lives as the girl, the more he starts to become her.

6.  Living Doll (Transformed Into a Little Girl):  This was the second of these stories I ever wrote.  It's about a philandering car dealer whose wife drugs him with something that changes him into a girl who keeps getting littler and cuter.  The wife employs the guy's former mistress as his babysitter and enrolls him in a beauty pageant.  That's where her plan begins to backfire on her.

7.  On the Prowl (Transformed Into a Cougar):  I think both volumes of the cougar ones are under appreciated.  Probably people don't want to think about middle-aged ladies having sex.  Anyway, this is the first of these stories I wrote.  A young stud rebuffs a middle-aged lady in a bar, not realizing she's actually a goddess who as revenge turns him into a rich fortysomething divorcee.  As the guy starts to live the lifestyle, he makes the mistake of falling in love with one of the cubs he goes after.

8.  Surrogate Mother (Transformed Into a Pregnant Girl Too):  How far would you go to have a baby?  A woman desperately wants a baby, but she can't get pregnant.  Out of desperation she buys some weird fertility drink off the Internet.  But when her husband accidentally drinks it, he turns into a girl!  His wife sees the opportunity and when invitro fertilization fails, she pimps out her husband until he finally gets knocked up.  For her husband the most horrifying is yet to come...

9.  Bait & Switch (Transformed Into a Fat Girl):  Science!  In the near-future if you have enough money you can have your memories put in a completely new body.  An old widower decides to spend his life savings on a hunky new body.  Except when the surgery goes bad, he wakes up in the body of a chubby young woman!  Now with the help of a therapist he has to try to adjust to his new life.  Problems arise when the old life of his donor body starts to interfere.

10.  Transformed for Halloween: The Gender Swap Costume Party:  It's a simple, albeit nonsensical idea:  five wives are tired of their husbands' behavior and band together to teach them a lesson in completely impractical fashion.  At midnight on Halloween, their husbands turn into the costumes the wives were wearing:  a bimbo, a cheerleader, a Goth girl, an Asian schoolgirl, and a little girl.  They're stuck like that for the next 24 hours while their wives have complete control over them.  This was a fun way to combine a bunch of the story themes I'd already done into one semi-coherent story.

You can read all of these (and 32 more) in the Transformed Collection, available through Draft2Digital on basically everywhere except Amazon.

Twenty/20

Nobody really cares about blogs on Friday (or with my blog, any day ending in Y) so I thought I'd just pose a question that occurred to me recently.

Growing up in the 20th Century, when you said the year you would always say "Nineteen-something-something" like "Nineteen Seventy-Seven."  But then we got to 2000 and everyone started saying "Two Thousand" and that continued with "Two Thousand One," "Two Thousand Two," and so on.

Now we're in Two Thousand Fifteen.  Or should we start to say it "Twenty Fifteen?"  I mean if you ask me that's shorter and it sounds more futuristic.  But most people still say it the longer way.  I have to wonder if people will keep using Two Thousand right up to 2099.  I imagine when it gets to 2100 no one is going to want to say "Two Thousand One Hundred."  And certainly not "Two Thousand One Hundred Fifteen."  But by then we'll all be dead, so it probably doesn't matter that much.

Anyway, food for thought for your weekend.  Speaking of time, set your clocks forward this weekend!  Unless maybe you're the Mitchells in Arizona.  I don't know if they do the daylight savings time thing.  Here's an appropriately-titled song:

Grumpy Bulldog Contemplates the Gathering Darkness

The late Butler Blue II looking contemplative...

I think everyone else I know will be whining on their blog today, so I thought I might as well whine too.  Or rant.  Or maybe it's a whiny rant.  Whatever.

When it comes to a lot of stuff writers are "supposed" to do, I just don't care anymore.  Like query letters.  I sometimes read people's attempts on Writers.net and think, "Ugh, this is so fucking stupid."  The whole dance you're supposed to go through, the performance you're supposed to do for some agent's intern is just ridiculous.  My tolerance is even less since I got laid off from my job, because looking for a job is almost exactly the same thing.  Trying to wow some complete stranger as concisely as possible is a real chore.

Then there's all that other crap:  interviews, cover reveals, blog tours, yadda yadda yadda.  Holy shit, where's the Tylenol?  Back when I released Where You Belong and when A Hero's Journey was published I naively did all that shit thinking it would help.  Maybe it did a little bit, but for the effort it probably wasn't worth it.  I didn't hardly do any of that shit with Chance of a Lifetime and it's my most-downloaded book.  I don't do any of it for my erotica books and they sell a lot better.  So who needs all that noise?

And then there's sites promising to promote your book if you join and possibly pay them money.  It would take too long to list them and I'm sure I'd only scratch the surface but you probably know the kind of places I'm talking about.  I think I tried a few of those back in the day and again, what good did it do?

And "book reviewer" blogs.  These petty little assholes who get one sniff of power and let it go straight to their head by making you jump through a bunch of hoops like they're fucking Random Penguin House.  Oh and if they deem you worthy enough to read your book, you can expect your review to be posted around 2020.  I submitted A Hero's Journey to a bunch of those and I have no fucking idea if any of them ever got around to reading it yet.  I'm pretty sure they didn't, so it was another big waste of time.

I could go on and on with this shit.  I never had much enthusiasm for the marketing part of the business and now I have even less.  Most of it seems like a big waste of time.

But then I can't even hardly stomach to read some poor schmuck's attempted writing on Writers.net.  A lot of it is pretty lame to start with and at this point I'm just way to cynical and grumpy to care.

As far as writing advice goes I only have one thing to say:  find a niche and exploit it as much as possible.  That's what I've been doing for about 9 months now.  Putting it another way:  find a formula that works and stick with it.  Generally the erotica books I write that don't sell are ones that are too far outside the box.  Like lately I decided to do a reverse one and have a woman turn into a guy, thinking maybe I could open a second front, but it hasn't sold for shit.  Basically the people want a guy who turns into a hot, slutty chick (usually blond) who fucks/gets fucked by one or many dudes.  There's the formula; don't stray too far from it.  Be a writer, not an artist.  Unless you have a fancy writing degree and then there's a slight chance someone in New York will actually give a shit about your Great American Novel.  Just don't get your hopes up.

Speaking of marketing, one thing I occasionally do is offer books for free.  Usually books that haven't sold a lot so at least some copies might be downloaded.  Today through Sunday you can get Transformed Into a Dominatrix and Transformed Into a Bride for Free!  As I've said before, even if you don't want to read it, download it anyway to help pad my numbers.

In Transformed Into a Dominatrix a CIA agent swaps brains with the dominatrix of a Russian gangster in order to bring him in.  Or at least that's the plan, but soon enough things go horribly wrong.  In the second story, a man buys a teddy from a lingerie shop that soon takes over his life!

In Transformed Into a Bride, a con artist gets his comeuppance when he's turned into a gold-digger who has to get her decrepit husband to the altar before he croaks.  In the second story, a homeless man volunteers for a medical experiment that turns him into a young woman who's groomed to become a mail order bride!

Go download them now!