Friday, March 8, 2013

Box Office Blitz: Week 9

Week 8 was rather mundane.  I guess I got spoiled by people getting trifectas every week.  Anyway, let's all try to do better this week!


Remember the object of the game is pick the top 3 movies of the weekend.  You get 50 points for each movie you get in the top 3 and 50 more points if that movie is in the right spot.  A 500 point bonus goes to the winner.


And remember we're playing for $25 at the end of the year, so make sure to take it seriously!  Here's this week's list of movies at my local megaplex (* indicates a new release)




  • Oz the Great & Powerful*
  • Dead Man Down*
  • Greedy Lying Bastards*
  • Jack the Giant Killer
  • Quartet
  • 21 and Over
  • A Good Day to Die Hard
  • Argo
  • Beautiful Creatures
  • Dark Skies
  • Django Unchained
  • Escape from Planet Earth
  • Identity Thief
  • Les Miserables
  • Life of Pi
  • Lincoln
  • Mama
  • Parental Guidance
  • Safe Haven
  • Side Effects
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Snitch
  • The Impossible
  • The Last Exorcism 2
  • Warm Bodies
  • Zero Dark 30

As always I'll go first.  I think #1 is pretty much a no-brainer but then I was almost wrong about Die Hard 5 so maybe I don't know as much as I think.  I really have zero confidence in the new Colin Farrell movie, but then I had no confidence in Jason Bateman comedies and look how that turned out.  Basically I'm just picking #2 and #3 almost out of a hat.
  • Oz the Great & Powerful $35M
  • Identity Thief $13M
  • Jack the Giant Slayer $10M
Now it's time for a bonus question worth 100 points this week.  I already hinted at it on Sunday I think.  If more than one person gets it right then a random winner (who is not the winner of the round) will be chosen.  Here we go:

Last year at this time Disney's much-maligned "John Carter" debuted with a paltry $30.1M (according to Box Office Mojo).  This year Disney comes out with Oz the Great and Powerful.  Will Oz make MORE or LESS than John Carter did on its opening weekend?

And here's a bonus question worth 0 points:  Which movie do you think I should go see this weekend?  Other than Oz because I don't like to see really popular movies the opening weekend, unless it's something I really really want to see.


Results should be posted on Sunday afternoon.  BTW, tomorrow is the BIGGEST ANNOUNCEMENT EVER!!!  Here's a preview:

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Thursday Review: Forever Peace

This Review is for Forever Peace by Joe Haldemann, one of my grumpier reviews.

Forever Peace (Remembering Tomorrow)
by Joe Haldeman
(1/5 stars)


Forever is not long enough to make me want to read this garbage again. Much like "Forever Free", "Forever Peace" starts out somewhat strong but falls apart by the halfway point, degenerating into a lame James Bond, cloak-and-dagger yarn. By the time "Peace" staggers into the rushed conclusion, Haldeman is no longer writing, but merely telling the reader things that happened. His characters have no substance, especially the main character, Julian Class, who is a carbon copy of "Forever War" hero William Mandela, right down to the physics degree. Most distressing of all, Haldeman ignores a cardinal rule of writing, alternating between 1st and 3rd person for no clear reason at all.

The main difference between the classic "Forever War" and the far inferior "Forever Peace" and "Forever Free" is that the "Forever War" focuses solely on one character and the events around him, while the two other books start out focusing on one character and then try to deal with large, weighty issues. Unfortunately for readers, Haldeman is bad at dealing with weighty issues, so the books turn into outrageous tales with plots as thin as a video game.

For instance, the primary thrust of "Forever Peace" is that if people get a hole drilled in their head and network ("jack" as it's called) with a bunch of other people for a few days, then they'll come out as perfect pacifists unable to kill unless in self-defense. As rediculous as that sounds, Haldeman never bothers to deal with any issues surrounding this, assuming that everyone would want to get a hole drilled in their head and bear their soul to a bunch of strangers. In fact, people in island countries like Cuba, the UK, etc. will up and move to the mainland so that those sad few who can't be "humanized" can be isolated on the islands so they don't hurt anyone. Of course in Haldeman's world, the massive task of drilling billions of holes and shifting millions of people around can all be accomplished in two years.

Maybe I'm wrong, but if someone wants to abduct me, drill a hole in my skull, hook me up with a bunch of strangers, and force me out of my home, I might not exactly be first in line. But hey, let's not let reality interfere with the story.

In closing, "The Forever War" was a triumph for Haldeman, but its sequel "Forever Free" and pseudosequel "Forever Peace" are travesties of literature. It astonishes me that "Forever Peace" won the Hugo & Nebula Awards, I hope that it ran unopposed.

Tomorrow Box Office Blitz Continues!

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Phony Photos: March

From my SIMply the Best Calendar, this is March's page, because it's March.  In case you didn't yet grasp the correlation.

This is another one of those where they're all the same character.  On the left is a grown-up Edie with a tan.  In the center is Edie at 17 or so.  The bottom right is also Edie at 17 or so but with a more formal look.  And then at the top is Edie at about 8 or so.

I made all these pretty much at the same time so the noses and stuff more or less match.  I always wish there were an edit button for after I've made people for when I want to go back and edit them instead of having to recreate them from scratch.  Oh well, I guess I'm about 8 years too late to ask for that.

Tomorrow I review something!

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Two-Cent Tuesday: The Real World of Self-Publishing

Subliminal Advertising!
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT:  You can find all the Scarlet Knight books, all the Stacey Chance books, pretty much everything from me now on Smashwords, Amazon, and B&N.  To look through them, visit my imprint's website!

As sort of an epilogue to my series on self-publishing basics, here's a link to an article written by some dude named Guy Kawasaki who I guess made some money self-publishing and now feels free to dispense a lot of impractical, pie-in-the-sky advice.  I found this article unintentionally hilarious and then also sad because a lot of people are probably going to buy into this shit because he's an "expert."

Basically his top 10 "mistakes" are that you're not spending enough money to self-publish your book.  In his world you should fork over thousands of dollars for a "real" copyeditor and then hundreds or thousands more to a cover designer and then the topper--you should spend $10,000-$15,000 for a PR campaign.

Great advice, Guy!  Let me go out to my swimming pool filled with gold bouillon and pull out a couple nuggets there.  Or maybe I left $20,000 in my other pair of pants.

Good gravy, man, are you kidding me?  There is not one "indie" publisher I know who probably has that kind of money to invest in what would almost certainly be a money-losing venture.  I mean come on, I'm in credit card debt up to my eyeballs and I'll probably have to move because the rent is just too damned expensive on my apartment anymore.  I can't afford 20 large to market a fucking book.

This is what I hate about a lot of "experts."  Their advice is either blatantly wrong or so impractical that there's no possible way it can be of use.  It's like all those cooking shows where they make some recipe that sounds great but would cost you $500 just to make it from all the fancy ingredients and machines you'd need.

I mean, shit, Guy, if I'm going to take out a loan for $20,000 I'd go buy myself a Starbucks franchise or something.  That's far likelier to have a better return on investment.  Actually you have a better chance at making money if you take that $20,000 to Vegas.

It's a little ironic to me that his #1 "mistake" is writing for the money.  Well yeah, you sure as hell can't be in it for the money if you're spending $20,000 just in start-up costs.

Yeah, I'd love to be able to do more to promote my books and sell more copies.  But here in the real world I don't have the money to piss away on a gamble like that.  And I'm 99% sure if you're reading this you don't either.

So as I said in my non-"expert" articles, you can do most of this stuff fairly cheap.  Then even if you're not selling tons of copies you're not taking a financial hit.  Copyediting and cover artists are great, but it's not likely to pay off.  And unlike Guy, I hardly ever sell any paper copies of my books.  When you consider how much it costs on CreateSpace for the proof copies and whatnot, it hasn't been all that worth it.

The bottom line is that in the real world of "indie" publishing you aren't going to find fame and fortune.  So don't go put yourself in bankruptcy chasing the white whale of stardom.

Tomorrow is March's Phony Photo!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Comic Captions 3/4/13

It's another Comic Captions, where you get to recaption a comic book panel for your own amusement--and hopefully that of other people.

This is from Justice League #16


Ocean Master:  I hope you don't mind I brought a few friends?

Now it's your turn!

And just for fun, here's a little craft project I worked on Sunday:

I bought an X-Men Hope Summers action figure and devised how to make it look more like a Scarlet Knight action figure.  Here's what the base figure looked like (minus a little poncho dealie I had to remove with a utility knife):


And here's what it looks like after I run it through some color filters and such in Paint Shop Pro:
It would look more Scarlet Knight-y if it weren't for the stripes on her costume and if I had a yellow cape.  Maybe at some point I'll go buy some paint and recolor her for real!
 

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Box Office Blitz: Week 8 Results!

gah
I guess Jack the Giant Slayer is the new "John Carter"--a big budget movie that's pretty much tanked.  Maybe early March is just a crappy time for people wanting to watch movies?  Or maybe people are tired of gritty fairy tale reboots.  I know I am.

Anyway, the results were:

  1. Jack the Giant Slayer $28M
  2. Identity Thief $10M
  3. 21 and Over $9M

So far it seems like Identity Thief is the biggest movie of 2013.  Who'd have thunk that?  Not me, that's for sure.

Anyway, I picked:
  • Jack the Giant Slayer $25M
  • Last Exorcism 2 $15M
  • 21 and Over $12M
I got 1 and 3 right, so that's 200 points for me.

Briane Pagel picked:
1. 21 and Over: $15 million
2. Last Exorcism 2, $12 million.
3. Jack The Giant... $8 million.

That's 50 points for 21 and Over and 50 for Jack, which makes 100 points.

Rusty Carl picked:
1. Jack the Giant Slayer - $28 mil
2. Last Exorcism - $18 mil
3. 21 and Over - $11 mil

He also gets 200 points.

Leader Tony Laplume picked:
1. Jack the Giant Slayer ($25 mil)
2. 21 and Over ($15 mil)
3. The Last Exorcism Part II ($13 mil)

That's 100 for Jack and 50 for 21 and Over for 150 points.

Michael Offutt picked:
1) Jack the Giant Slayer ($19 million)
2) The Last Exorcisim Part 2 ($18 million)
3) 21 and over (10 million).

Also 200 points for 1 and 3.

Stephen Hayes picked:
Jack the Giant Slayer---$28 million
Argo--$15 million
The Last Exorcism--$12 million

That's 100 points for #1 and 0 for the rest.

And lastly Andrew Leon picked:
1. Jack the Giant Slayer -- $30m
2. Last Exorcism -- $16m
3. Identity Thief -- $9m

That's 100 for Jack and 50 for Identity Thief.  150 points.

And the winner for the first time ever is Rusty Carl!  He got the total for Jack right on the dot, which is better than me or Michael.

As for the bonus question, I asked you if the #1 movie would take in twice as much as last week's.  And just by a hair it did!  Rusty and Stephen Hayes were the only 2 to actually say YES so by default Stephen gets the 200 points.

There's no change in the leaderboard, but Rusty has now solidified his hold on fourth place.  Here are the results:


Box Office Blitz

Scoreboard





8 Total
Tony Laplume 150 3200
Andrew Leon 150 2550
PT Dilloway 200 2450
Rusty Carl 700 1800
Maurice Mitchell 0 800
Briane Pagel 100 700
Stephen Hayes 300 700
Michael Offutt 200 600
Donna Hole 0 200
David P King 0 200

1800 13200

 It will be interesting next week to see how Disney's Oz movie fairs.  Maybe the bonus question next week will be if it will top John Carter's opening weekend.

Friday, March 1, 2013

Box Office Blitz Week 8

Week 7 was notable for my screw-up that got everyone who played 100 points, but otherwise Tony Laplume is still in command while Andrew Leon has snuck into second place.  Incidentally, you can buy Tony's book Project Mayhem for Kindle and in print.  It includes a very short story by ME about the Newtown massacre.

Before we begin today, just a little Oscar recap.  I didn't actually watch it as I didn't even get home until 9:45 that night and then I had to unpack and do laundry and so on and so forth and then just collapsed on my bed.  If you read my picks about a month ago I did get the Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Supporting Actress right, so woo hoo.

From the sound of it, Seth MacFarlane did pretty much what I thought he'd do, a lot of musical numbers and such.  I mean if you didn't expect that then you haven't paid attention to anything he's ever done.  Of course people wanted to rail about how much he sucked.  I think the real problem is with the Academy themselves.  They never seem to know what direction they want the broadcast to go.  They bring in someone like MacFarlane or Chris Rock who's known for edgier humor but then because it's THE OSCARS they don't really want them to make it TOO edgy, so they try to water it down and then no one is happy because some people still complain it was too edgy while others complain it wasn't edgy enough.  The obvious solution is to just let Billy Crystal do it until he dies.  Or just hire Ryan Seacrest if you just want some talking head to introduce people.  But really just decide what kind of broadcast you want and go in that direction.  You can't have edgy and stodgy; it just doesn't work.  And to a lesser extent the same was true of the Golden Globes when they hired Ricky Gervais; don't hire a guy you know is going to be randy and then complain because he's randy up there.

Anyway, now it's time to get on with the program here.  The object of the game is to pick the top 3 of this weekend's box office.  You get 50 bonus points for each movie you name that gets in the top 3 and 50 more bonus points if that movie is in the correct spot.  The winner gets a 500 point bonus.  If there's a tie then dollar amounts are used as the tiebreaker.

After last week's screw-up I'm not going to take any chances this week!  I'll list every movie playing at my local megaplex, even the old ones that aren't in the top 10.  You never know when "Parental Guidance" might make a comeback, right?  (* indicates a new release)

  • Jack the Giant Killer*
  • Phantom*
  • Quartet*
  • Sweeney*
  • 21 and Over*
  • A Good Day to Die Hard
  • Argo
  • Beautiful Creatures
  • Dark Skies
  • Django Unchained
  • Escape from Planet Earth
  • Hansel & Gretel
  • Identity Thief
  • Les Miserables
  • Life of Pi
  • Lincoln
  • Mama
  • Parental Guidance
  • Safe Haven
  • Side Effects
  • Silver Linings Playbook
  • Snitch
  • The Impossible
  • The Last Exorcism 2*
  • Warm Bodies
  • Wreck-It Ralph
  • Zero Dark 30

As always I'll go first.  A lot of new releases this week and I only know about a couple of them.  (I gotta start reading the trades or something.)  So I'll pick:
  • Jack the Giant Slayer $25M
  • Last Exorcism 2 $15M
  • 21 and Over $12M


Now it's time for a bonus question worth 200 points this week because no one won last week's--or rather no one other than the person who won the round got it right.  This week let's make it one that's guaranteed to have a winner--unless you don't guess.

Last week's #1 Identity Thief took in a paltry $14M.  Will the #1 movie this week make at least twice that amount?  If you're not good at math that means do you think the #1 movie this week will make $28M or more?  Answer YES or NO along with your picks.  Simple enough.

Results should be posted on Sunday afternoon.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Thursday Review: Post Office

I should probably read more of Bukowski's work at some point, because in some ways I think we're kindred spirits:  often rejected, angry loner types.  Though obviously he achieved some success eventually.  Incidentally if you get a chance the movie version of "Factotum" was good and contains a lot of the same themes as this book.  It was on Netflix at one point, though perhaps not anymore.

Post Office
by Charles Bukowski
(4/5 stars)

If you really hate your job, "Post Office" beats a whole stack of Dilbert cartoons or watching an endless loop of "Office Space," "Clerks," and other workplace comedies. From the way Bukowski describes the post office, it's no wonder "going postal" entered our lexicon. It's probably also why my uncle who worked for the post office for a number of years was always so cranky.

The story concerns Bukowski's alterego Henry Chinaski. When he's a younger man, Henry does his first stint at the post office as a substitute mail carrier. As the motto says, he winds up trudging through rain (and mud) and dark of night, occasionally being attacked by the odd dog or two. This finances Henry's life of drinking and cavorting with Betty.

Eventually Henry moves on to other jobs and other women, including a wealthy heiress with a thing for animals and geraniums. He drinks and cavorts a lot with all of these and even fathers a child with one. To support this lifestyle Henry is drawn back to the post office, this time working as a clerk. It's a maddening, routine job that his supervisors only make more maddening. One of the funniest parts is early on when Henry's supervisor keeps writing him up for ignoring his write ups, which Henry keeps throwing in the trash.

Despite that his style is like a seventh grade student's, Bukowski's writing has a drunken swagger that makes it enjoyable. I have to wonder how much of what happens was based on real events and how much was just bravado. While it never rises to the level of "Catch-22" or "1984" it still demonstrates the crushing effect of a soulless bureaucracy on the common people.

Of course a lot of people will not want to read this because of the bad language, the sex, the violence to women, and so forth. But if you're a fan of writers like Hemingway, Chuck Palahniuk, or Bret Easton Ellis or you just have a really crummy job, then you'll get a kick of this.

(4/5 stars)

Tomorrow Box Office Blitz Continues...

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

February Recap

Did you notice this exists?
February is nearly at an end now.  In my family that means a flurry of birthdays.  My niece turned 2 on Sunday.  Today is my older brother's birthday.  And then Friday is my mom's birthday.  Since they all live over 100 miles away, we celebrated all three last weekend.  Or at least I did.  If my grandma on my mom's side were still alive her birthday would have been Monday too.  And she would have been 101 or 102 or something like that.

Anyway, what happened on this blog in February?

Um, basically the second Scarlet Knight story landed with a dull thud.  Hooray!  My bitter announcement that I was cutting the price actually came in at #2 this month, behind the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT that the paperback of the first book was coming out.  So I guess maybe instead of actual posts I should just make random announcements because that seems to get people's attention.  If I could I'd rent one of those big gorilla balloons too.

And here's a smattering of stuff I watched in February:

  • A Good Day to Die Hard:  Before my niece's birthday party I had a couple hours to kill and decided to go watch Die Hard 5.  It was OK.  It was one of those really cost-efficient productions where they only cast one recognizable actor (Bruce Willis), shoot in a cheap foreign location (Hungary), keep the length fairly short (97 minutes) and don't go as nuts on the stunts as in the previous one.  There's still a lot of gunplay and an epic car chase that probably destroyed half the cars in Hungary.  Anyway, I was getting worried near the end that this wasn't going to be a true Die Hard movie as every Die Hard plot (except maybe the 2nd one which I haven't watched in like 20 years) involves supposed terrorists who are actually thieves, but then (spoiler!) there was the plot twist near the end.  Whew!  Anyway, it was pretty meh.  A decent Redbox rental, but I wished I hadn't paid $7 for it.  But then what else was I going to watch?  Identity Thief?  Snitch?  Escape From Planet Earth?  Argh.
  • As an aside here, one of the previews appropriately was for this "Olympus is Down" movie that's basically "Air Force One" in the White House.  Well except the president is actually one of the hostages and some former Secret Service detail guy has to save him, which is closer to "Sudden Death" with Jean-Claude Van Damme.  Anyway, they cast Aaron Eckhart as the president (which is impossible because he's Australian) and it got me thinking that we have a black president on his second term now and yet supposedly liberal Hollywood with very few exceptions always casts white guys as the president.  Come on, get with the program, Tinseltown!  It's the second decade of the 21st Century now, really.
  • Reaper:  I finally got around to watching this on Netflix.  I had in my queue for 2 years or so and just never got around to it.  Then of course I do and by the time I get up to episode 14 Netflix decides they'll pull it.  So now I have to finish watching it on DVDs borrowed from my sisters.  Anyway, it was an OK show, not great.  The first half-dozen episodes really reminded me of the first season of "Smallville."  Basically the kid fights a monster, fails once, and then wins the second go-around.  All while pining for the mannish Katie Holmes clone.  But the devil is pretty awesome, even if he looks like a  Mitt Romney impersonator.  Or maybe Mitt got style tips from the devil...hurm.  Anyway, of course I got right up to where things were getting more interesting as Sam the slacker version of "Ghost Rider" starts to conspire with a couple of gay demons to overthrow the devil or something.
  • The Bourne Legacy:  My funny Tweet no one I'm sure noticed that summarizes this was they should have called it The Bored Legacy.  Because it was boring.  It gets more interesting once Jeremy Renner and Rachel Weisz meet up, but that takes over an hour!  The first hour is all an elaborate setup trying to connect this supersoldier program to the Bourne movies.  Zzzzzzz.   The supersoldier program is more like the Jem H'Dar in Deep Space 9 than Captain America, as Jeremy Renner has to keep taking these pills or else he'll turn back into Forrest Gump or something.  So he decides to take Rachel Weisz to Indonesia so she can inject him with a virus that will make him a supersoldier forever.  Wait why aren't they giving these shots to everyone?  I don't care if it almost kills me if it means I'll be super smart and can take down legions of bad guys.  Anyway, the payoff was a little weak.  It involves a motorcycle chase that seemed to go on for a half-hour, to the point that I fast-forwarded it.  But now that all the setup is done I might be interested in watching a second one, unless they kill Rachel Weisz off in the first five minutes like they did in the second Bourne movie, which turned me off that franchise.
  • Taken 2:  I enjoyed the first Taken, as I will pretty much enjoy most anything Liam Neeson is involved in...not so much the Phantom Menace.  Anyway, this clocks in at about 85 minutes, which really illustrates the problem that everything was too simple and straightforward.  He goes to Istanbul, gets captured, escapes with the help of his daughter chucking grenades around the city (seriously), and then kills like half the population of Albania.  Which is fine with me.  I had these awful Albanian neighbors years ago; the woman screeched all the time like George's mom on "Seinfeld" only in Albanian.  Where's Liam Neeson when you need him to chop her in the throat?
  • Lawless:  This was OK, maybe slightly better than I thought it'd be.  Except I don't know why they bothered hiring Gary Oldman to play the one gangster because he pretty much does nothing.  There's one scene where he just gets out of a car and mows some random people down with a Tommy Gun and that's pretty much his only contribution to the movie.  But on the bright side Jessica Chastain goes topless, so there's that.
  • Savages:  If you're a fan of "Breaking Bad" then this covers some familiar ground.  Basically the two slacker pot makers are kind of like Walt and Jesse, in that they're small time operators who have a really awesome product, only pot and not meth.  Except then a bigger cartel starts to muscle in, this one run by Selma Hayek in a bad Cleopatra wig.  Then you get into one of those moral quandaries where the pot dealers decide that to rescue their bimbo girlfriend they'll kill like 30 Mexicans.  Considering they live in Laguna Beach where blond bimbos are a dime for two-dozen they probably could have just saved 2 hours and found another girl.  Anyway, their ultimate solution is the same one I use in the 7th Scarlet Knight story, so suck it Oliver Stone.  Though Stone wastes 10 minutes of our lives with a fake ending to the final showdown, though sadly it was not the Scooby Doo ending.
And here's something fairly obscure you might enjoy:
Cold Comfort FarmThis was the conclusion of my watching most of the 50 Greatest Something Something list someone linked to on Facebook a long time ago.  I forget what the title was.  It was pretty much 50 underrated movies I hadn't seen.  Only I had seen a few.  I didn't watch all the rest because some were documentaries and some were in Swedish or Danish or Finnish or something and while that's not always a dealbreaker, I just didn't feel like watching a half-dozen of those.  But over six months or so I did watch most via Netflix, Blockbuster, etc.

Anyway, I thought this would be a boring drama, but it was actually pretty funny.  Basically in the 30s a very young Kate Beckinsale dreams of being a writer and so goes to her aunt's rundown farm in the country for life experience.  The place is run by a crazy old lady who demands everyone in her family stay put because she saw something nasty in the woodshed when she was a little girl.  The family includes Ian MacKellan as a wanna-be fire-and-brimstone preacher and the guy who was the next year in "Dark City" with a young Jennifer Connolly (lucky dog!) as a wanna-be actor.  Gradually the plucky and unflappable Kate Beckinsale manages to help all her relatives escape the old lady's tyranny.  As I said it was really funny even to a dim-witted American like me.  If you like "Downton Abbey" and all that Masterpiece Theater and Jane Austen stuff then you might like that.  I'm not sure if it's still on Netflix.

There's your February Recap.  Brace yourselves in March for another month of fantastic content you probably don't give a crap about.  (And the biggest announcement EVER) will be on March 9th.

That is all.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Two-Cent Tuesday: Publishing 101 Lesson 3

Today's lesson is all about the three main ebook systems I use:  Smashwords, Amazon's KDP, and B&N's Pubit--the latter I only started to use this year.  Each system has its little quirks and differences, but they all require much the same stuff.

So here's what you'll need:

  • Book Description
  • Tags
  • Categories
  • Book File
  • Cover
  • Price
Most of that is pretty obvious.  Let's run through it anyway.

Book Description:  This is basically what would be written on the back cover or inside jacket if it were a physical book.  The problem for people like me is that I suck at writing pitches and summaries.  And you might say, Well what kind of writer are you?  And I would say, Hey, I write novels and sometimes short stories.  Basically it's like asking a marathon runner to win the 100M dash.  You're a runner, right?  Well it's a whole different set of skills needed.  Anyway, just do your best to write a teaser summary, but don't give away too much.

Here's one of my crappy descriptions from First Contact:
Captain Lisa Shaw and the crew of the Explorer are taking humanity’s first steps outside of the solar system. They arrive at their destination only to encounter an alien ship bent on destroying them and all other life in the galaxy. Now Lisa and the survivors of her crew have to find a way to escape from the aliens and warn Earth. 

Tags:  If you're like my "publisher" of A Hero's Journey you don't bother to tag anything.  But if you're not just doing it half-assed, then you want to put some tags in to slightly increase the chance someone might find your book.  The tags are usually general search terms that in theory will help your book pop up when someone does a search.

Here are some tags I used for First Contact:
scifi, space opera, sci fi, scifi action, scifi action adventure

Now here's a Pub Tip for you:  on Amazon and B&N you type in the tags all in a line but Smashwords you do it one at a time.  So do the Smashwords one first and then go to your book's page and copy all those tags to paste into the box for Amazon and B&N!

Categories:  Again if you're a half-ass "publisher" you just put it in one category that's probably not even the correct one.  If you're doing this right, then you try to put it in multiple categories that actually suit your book.  What sucks about Smashwords and Amazon is you only get 2 categories.  B&N gives you 5.

With a story like say a superhero novel it can be difficult to figure out which category to put it in.  I think my other Scarlet Knight ones I put in Fantasy-Urban and Sci-Fi-Adventure.  Though of course each platform has its own wording.  YA/Children's books can be annoying to figure out where to put them, so you have to consider the age of the reader.

Book file and Cover:  We've covered those (pun intended!) but just remember that all three platforms use MS Word-type documents and there are different cover size mandates for each, so check out the fine print.

Price:  This can be a thorny issue.  How much do you charge?  If you go the minimum and charge 99 cents then you might move more copies, but you only make 35 cents per copy.  Whereas if you charge $2.99 then you're making around $2 per copy.  So to borrow from those Total cereal commercials:  you'd have to sell almost 6 copies at 99 cents to make as much as you would from selling 1 copy at $2.99.

Generally you don't want to go over $4.99 either.  Maybe the Big However Many can charge $18.99 for JK Rowling's latest lame adult book, but you're not JK Rowling.  You're probably not even Amanda Hocking or EL James before they got famous.  You're a nobody, so you can't get away with charging too much.

It is interesting that the books I sell the most of are at opposite ends of the spectrum.  The $0.99 books like First Contact and its sequels have sold the most of the ones under my pseudonyms.  But Where You Belong is still the big money maker because at $2.99 it makes the most profit and surprisingly it still sells a few every month.  Maybe because it has the most reviews and had the most marketing push behind it.

The good thing is if you decide on a price and it's not working, you can change it later.  Or if it's working really well at 99 cents you can get greedy and see if people will pay more--capitalism everyone!

Sometimes though it's hard to figure the consumer out.  When I lowered just about all my prices to 99 cents recently, Amazon sales picked up.  Nook sales flatlined, though.  And Smashwords sales did very little, but then they've never been all that much.  It just seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom that if you LOWER prices, people demand less.  Recently I raised at least some prices on the Nook and sold at least one book.  Go figure.  Maybe there are just more bargain hunters on Amazon.

Another thing is that they say if you make the first in a series FREE people might buy the rest of it.  I'm not sure about that.  From what I've seen, mostly people will swoop in for the free book and then exile it on the ereader for months or years along with all the other FREE they've sponged up.  So they'll never bother to read the first book for a long time (if ever) and thus will never buy books 2 or 3 or 8.  We'll see with the Chances Are series, where I gave away over 200 copies of the first one so far.  Once the second one goes on sale, let's see how many people buy it!  But I did get one nice review on Smashwords already, so woo hoo.

That's about all you need to know to get started.  Now a few words on the three platforms I use.

Smashwords:  Overall I find it to be the most cumbersome of the three.  I suppose that's because in theory it's supposed to cover a bunch of platforms.  Though in all honesty it doesn't really go to Amazon.  Or if it does, it takes a really long time.  There might be some kind of tiff between them that doesn't allow Amazon to take Smashwords stuff, or they just delay a while to do it.  B&N does show up eventually, but it can take some time too.  But it does load stuff to Kobo and other smaller ones.

The other good thing about Smashwords is it generates an ISBN number for you.  That's an additional step in the process for each book, but it's a nice thing to have.  Amazon only gives you an ASIN which isn't exactly the same.

Another Pub Tip:  Like the tags, it's good to load to Smashwords first so you can get the ISBN, which you can then use when you load to Amazon and B&N, and also when you put the book on Goodreads.

The other good thing about Smashwords is after you get done setting up, you can download your own book for free.  I use that to download ARC (advanced reader copies) of the Scarlet Knight books.  I can get them in Kindle format for me and EPub (Nook) format for beta readers like Michael Offutt.  Plus when someone buys a copy you get more royalties than Amazon or B&N--$$$$$ cha-ching!

One of the hassles with Smashwords comes with the author names.  It's fine if you just have one name.  But when you have like 5 different names it gets to be annoying.  You have to set up a "ghost" account for each separate name you use.  Amazon and B&N you can just type in any name you want; it's a lot easier.

Still, the benefits of Smashwords outweigh the bulkiness and sometimes slowness of it.  I use the Smashwords pages as landing pages for mine because you can get them in every format right from there no matter what kind of reader you have.  It's a lot easier than pointing people to twenty different websites--and did I mention I get more royalties from them?

Amazon:  KDP was the first platform I ever used.  It's pretty simple to use, which is great.  You don't even need to worry much about cover size, which is a bonus.  The only drawback versus B&N's is Amazon's is two pages whereas B&N fits it all onto one page, which is nice.

Pub Tip:  If you're just using Amazon for your book you can enroll in the KDP Select program.  That allows Amazon Prime members (like me!) to borrow the book for free while you still get reimbursed.  But be careful because once you enroll it's stuck there for at least 3 months, so if you change your mind and want to load it onto another platform you have to wait until those 3 months are up.  You also have to make sure that you set it not to autorenew or you'll get stuck for another 3 months potentially.

B&N:  As I said, I just started using this at the beginning of the year.  It is perhaps the best of the lot.  You can do everything on one screen, unlike Amazon or Smashwords, which makes it great, especially if you have a slow connection or something.  There are pretty much all the same features as Amazon, except no KDP Select thing.

The hitches are the cover size limitations can be annoying.  The 2000 pixel MAXIMUM height has created problems for me, something I lamented last week; I hate having to resize covers just for their anal limitations.  Also, there's some kind of bug where after you submit a book the next screen pops up with an error message.  The books go through, but it really freaked me out at first.

Of course there are other platforms out there.  I don't know what all of them are yet.  I'm sure more will come along in the future.  But this should give you a good head-start on the process.

Tomorrow is the Recap!

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