On the Road With Bad Movies

One thing about bad movies is that generally they have their own system of logic that doesn't really follow real life.  They're like dreams that way.  Bad dreams.  I mean, where else would the girl run UPstairs to escape the maniac with the knife?  Or decide that a creepy old house/cabin/motel is the perfect place to spend the night?  Or where every sheriff/cop ignores the obvious warning signs about a killer/demon/zombie apocalypse?

There is one convention that's popped up in a few bad movies I've seen on MST3K and Rifftrax.  It's the convention that when you're traveling, basically you can take shelter wherever you feel like and do whatever you want.

In the MST3K version of A Touch of Satan (which sounds like a terrible perfume), a guy is driving in the country and sees a dirt road through a meadow.  So he simply drives onto the dirt road and throws himself a little picnic in some trees by a stream or whatever.  And then meets a girl who turns out to be an evil witch.

Or in Tourist Trap, three hot girls' car breaks down and while walking around they spy a pond.  And promptly go skinny-dipping.  Until the property owner comes around and tells them that the pond fills up with water moccasins at night.  Eek!  Then later two of them are turned into mannequins by the crazy property owner.  EEEK!

In Hillbillys in a Haunted House, the eponymous hillbillys (and I'm using their spelling) are traveling and their car breaks down or something.  They see an "abandoned" house and since it's night they decide to just break in and spend the night.  Then it turns out there are some bad guys using the house as a hideout.

In Bloody Pit of Horror a film crew and some hot chicks see an Italian castle that looks deserted.  So they decide to break in and take some pictures with the hot girls and the old furniture and torture dungeon.  Until it turns out there's a crazy guy living there who calls himself the Crimson Executioner and tortures several of them to death.

My favorite is Ghosthouse, where this guy named Jim Daylen and his little sister and brother(?) and his girlfriend are traveling in an RV.  They see an "abandoned" house and decide to park in the driveway.  Then Jim Daylen breaks in and goes upstairs to set up his HAM radio in the attic.  The radio sends out the sound of his death before it happens.  Because the place is haunted by an evil spirit.  Later there's this guy named Pepe who hitchhikes to and breaks into the ghosthouse.  He starts rummaging around and is actually surprised when the dusty old box of croutons is full of roaches.  I mean even if the box were intact who wants to eat raw croutons?  Later in the movie, long after they've been terrorized by a ghost, one girl goes inside to take a shower and is surprised when blood comes out of the faucet.  If the house is abandoned why the hell would the water work in the first place?  And after you've had a ghost try to murder you and your family/friends already, why would you want to take a shower in there?  See what I mean about operating under a different kind of logic?

In all these cases no one ever stops to consider whether they're trespassing or breaking and entering.  If a house looks abandoned and you're tired or bored it's fair game, right?  Somehow I don't think the police would agree with that logic.  OK, in a post-apocalyptic wasteland you can use those rules, but not in conventional society.  Yet time and again we have people in bad movies breaking into places or trespassing on private property for the sheer hell of it.  And as you can see there are usually terrible consequences.

At least the dorky metal band in Rock n Roll Nightmare (also called Edge of Hell) rented the house where they were terrorized by puppets demons.  Way to buck convention, guys.  That's why they're rockers, because they're rebellious like that.

Anyway, this summer if you go on vacation, maybe you should try just breaking into anywhere that looks abandoned.  Or just skinny-dipping in any body of water you come across.  I'm sure it'll work out fine for you, just like in all these movies!  So put on your headphones, microwave a croissant, and hit the road!