Workshopping a Joke Highlights the Importance of the Order of Words

 A couple weeks ago on Facebook I saw this article for the satire site The Onion:

Ha ha, OK joke, but immediately something hit me:  there's a better way to word this!  So here you go, a slight revision:

I just think it works better because it sets you up to think one way and then pivots to do a one-eighty.  "Topher Grace Comes Out in Support of Danny Masterson...Getting Electric Chair."  So if you're a slow or careless reader your first reaction might be, WTF?  He supports Danny Masterson the rapist?  Then you see the end of it.  Oh, I see what you're saying.  Ha ha.  Fooled me for a second there.  The original headline doesn't really have the possibility of doing that.

But when I mentioned this, you'd think I had just said the Earth is flat or vaccines don't work or whatever from how people piled on me.  Couldn't even consider the possibility that it might be better.  Nope, just circle the wagons and attack.

Besides just the personal attacks you get people trying to think and/or be clever.  "It's almost like it's a satire site."  Yeah, I'm not saying it's not and also that has nothing to do with it and also my satire is better.  Or someone else said they thought it sounded like the electric chair was a massage chair, but really that's true of the original headline if you choose to think of "electric chair" that way.  And then just other people cleverly going, "Nuh-uh!"

You'd think people who read a satire site would have more of a sense of humor and not take workshopping a joke so seriously, but nope.

I suppose my loyal readers will support...the original headline.  See?  I set you up to think one way and then BOOM! changed direction.  That's gold, Jerry!

Of course in writing the order of words can be important whether you're writing a joke headline or just a regular sentence.  Also on Facebook, someone pointed out how in English we don't say "green great dragon" we say "great green dragon."  Then there are things like parallelism where if you want to list a few different things you make them have some kind of similarity.  Like if you say, "He went to the closet to fetch a red umbrella, a brown overcoat, and a black pair of galoshes."  They all have "a" and a color.  That's just a basic and possibly wrong example but you can look it up if you want.

Sometimes you might even break the "rules" in order to word things in a more effective way.  We all know about how "passive voice" is bad.  "The dog was walked by Bob." is clumsy and overly wordy.  But there are times when you might want to do something passive intentionally.  Like if you're revealing a surprise:

He opened the door.  Standing in the rain was Linda.

vs

He opened the door.  Linda stood in the rain.

The second way is technically right and "active," but the first way maintains the surprise just a little bit longer.  It puts the reveal at the end of the sentence for a little more dramatic effect.  You could very well have a chapter break there to help maintain the drama a second or two longer.

I thought of a couple of cinematic examples like my example.  For instance there was that now-famous scene in Love Actually where the woman opens the door and  Andrew Lincoln is there with some signs to confess his love.

If writing this you could say:

She opened the door.  Andrew Lincoln stood there with some posterboard signs.

Or you could say:

She opened the door.  Standing there with some posterboard signs was Andrew Lincoln.

Or there was that now-famous scene in that one movie where the girl goes to the window and John Cusack is holding a boombox playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.

If writing this you could say:

She went to the window.  John Cusack stood on the ground, holding a boombox playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel.

Or you could say:

She went to the window.  Standing on the ground, holding a boombox playing "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel was John Cusack.

You see what I mean?  Breaking the "rule" lets you maintain the suspense for a slight bit longer.  In movies this can be accomplished by having the camera not show someone's face right away.  It might show their back or their feet or something and then work up to showing their face in a dramatic reveal.  Which is probably more effective in movies because you can milk it longer.  In books you can do something like this if you just refer to the character generically with pronouns like "he" or "she" or reference them like "the man" or "the woman" or something that doesn't give a name or description.

Anyway, when you're editing, look for those instances where juggling the order of words might have more of comedic or dramatic or whatever effect.  Just don't mention it to readers of The Onion. [eye roll]