Wednesday, January 17, 2024

Animated Comic Book Movie Wish List

 On the 8th I reviewed a bunch of DC animated movies I watched when I signed up for MAX.  There were some good ones and not as good ones.  It got me thinking about what stories I'd like to see adapted into animated movies.

Because these are cheaper and you don't need to build big sets and stuff, I think the animated movies are a lot more flexible and thus you can do stories that might be harder to do in live action.  It would be great if Marvel did more of them because they wouldn't have to be part of "the MCU" and thus they could use different characters from live action, including ones like the X-Men and Fantastic Four who haven't been introduced yet.

Top of the list (still)

Batman: Knightfall:  As pretty much the definitive 90s Batman story why hasn't this had a real adaptation yet?  They've done the big 80s ones like The Dark Knight Returns, Killing Joke, and Year One and some of the 2000-2010s stuff like Hush and Court of Owls.  Why no true adaptation of this?  

Maybe because to do it right you'd need 3 movies:  the first breaking Bruce Wayne, the second featuring Az-Bats while Bruce heals, and the third with Bruce taking back the mantle.  Still it would be pretty awesome.

By the same token...

Batman:  No Man's Land:  Another huge comic book story from the late 90s and maybe into the early 2000s, this is the one where an earthquake devastates Gotham and the government declares it off-limits.  Batman and his allies do what they can to fight the criminals who have taken over the ruins.  Unlike Knightfall, you could probably do this in about 90 minutes, though 2 parts would be better.

The two stories above were key parts of The Dark Knight Rises but it would be nice doing them separately as they were intended.

DCeased:  This was an Elseworlds event from a few years ago where Darkseid releases a computer virus that basically turns most people into zombies--including superheroes!  Those who are able to resist it have to find a way to try to stop it--or at least save some of humanity.

With Marvel doing a Marvel Zombies series it would make sense for DC to do their version, which is in some ways better.

DC vs. Vampires:  Pretty self-explanatory.  This is a recent event where some heroes are turned into vampires and others try to stop them.  I haven't read it yet but it seems like a pretty obvious property to make into a movie.  Maybe they're already doing it.

Batman:  Vampire:  Speaking of vampires, this 90s trilogy by Doug Moench and Kelley Jones would be another good one to make movies out of.  Since they've done a few R-rated ones already it wouldn't be that off-putting because this does get pretty R-rated.  The first part is about Batman fighting Dracula and in the end he becomes a vampire.  The second part has him fighting his instincts to suck blood while also falling in love with Catwoman who is a were-cat.  The final part has Batman completely giving over to the vampire side and needing to be stopped by Gordon, Alfred, and Two-Face.  There would need to be at least 2 parts, maybe with Part 1 as one movie and Parts 2-3 as a second movie.

Kingdom Come:  This classic 90s story by Mark Waid with excellent painted art by Alex Ross is set in the future where a dude named Magog and a new generation of "heroes" are going bad and so the classic heroes led by Superman have to stop them.  Mayhem ensues!  If they could get the animation to look somewhat like Ross's paintings it would be amazing.  That's probably too expensive and complicated.

Omega Men/Mister Miracle/Strange Adventures/Human Target:  These were all limited series by Tom King, the latter three for DC's "Black Label" imprint.  Omega Men was a reboot of an older series that focuses on White Lantern Kyle Rayner joining up with some rebels in deep space to fight an evil empire.  Mister Miracle focuses on Scott Free who grew up on Darkseid's planet of Apokolips.  He and his wife Big Barda have a kid and...stuff happens.  Strange Adventures focuses on Adam Strange, who was an adventurer on Earth who was taken to the planet Raan by a "zeta beam."  Coming back to Earth, Strange puts out a book about his experiences but something is fishy and Batman tasks Mr. Terrific to look into it.  Human Target is about Christopher Chance, who impersonates people who are at risk of assassination.  While impersonating Lex Luthor he's poisoned and has 12 days to find the killer--and maybe an antidote.  The case leads him to investigating the former Justice League International--the late 80s League basically.  They're all really good stories and as limited series could be compressed into a single movie or maybe two parts.

Future State:  This was a 2021 event that goes farther and farther into the future of the DC universe.  The Dark Detective part has Bruce Wayne faking his death and working off-the-grid without all the toys and such to find out more about the private security force that has basically took over Gotham.  The Next Batman part is about Lucius Fox's son Jace finding a cache of Bruce's tech and becoming a new Batman.  The Wonder Woman part focuses on former Wonder Girl Yara Flor taking over as Wonder Woman.  The Superman parts have Superman going to "Warworld" and forced to fight as a gladiator until there's a rebellion.  Meanwhile his son Jonathan is trying to be Superman on Earth and Kara Zor-El, the former Supergirl, turns the moon into a sanctuary.  I really liked the Batman and Wonder Woman parts.  The Superman parts were a little weaker and since they just did a crummy Warworld story I don't think they'd want to do another of those. 

Like I said, it'd be nice if Marvel did more animated movies because their live action movies tend to do a pretty crappy job of actually adapting those stories.  I mean read the comics of "Civil War" and then watch the movie.  Or "Age of Ultron" that's hardly anything like the movie.  I'd like to see real adaptations of those, which would probably only be possible in animation.  And also:

Spider-Man & Fantastic Four: Life-Story:  It might be hard to do these whole 6-story, 6-decade stories in one 90-minute movie.  Maybe do it in two parts?  Anyway, one follows Spider-Man from the 60s to 2010s and the other follows the Fantastic Four in the same time period, though I don't think they're actually in the same universe.  It's a really interesting take that uses the whole history of the characters.  Animation is the best way to do these so you don't have to either cast multiple actors for the same part or do aging/deepfaking that looks weird.

Secret Wars:  The original big Marvel event that was their response to "Crisis on Infinite Earths" would really be impossible to film in live action because of all the characters it involves.  Basically every character in the Marvel universe at that time.  There was also a sequel where Dr. Doom creates "Battleworld" from various parts of the multiverse and different heroes and villains have to team up to stop him--or side with him.

House of M:  This was a story where the Scarlet Witch uses her powers to make mutants the rulers of the world.  The "M" refers to Magneto and his offspring who rule most everything.  There were sub-series to show how other characters were changed.  Spider-Man was a famous entertainer until it's found out he's not really a mutant.  Captain America was an old guy, Hulk was in the Outback of Australia, and some other stuff.  Ultimately Scarlet Witch is confronted and swaps it from mutants ruling the world to "no more mutants" that kills off all but about 200--for a little while.  Another of those things that might need more than one part depending on how much of the sub-series material they want to use.

X-Men: Age of Apocalypse:  Forget the movie--seriously, forget it, it sucks--this comics story from the 90s was pretty neat because for pretty much a whole year all of the X-Men books were this alternate universe where Legion accidentally killed his father, Charles Xavier, in the 60s or 70s and so Apocalypse takes over most of the world.  Magneto is the leader of the X-Men and married to Rogue while Wolverine/Jean-Grey are mercenaries, Cyclops works for Apocalypse, Angel runs a club like Rick in Casabalanca, Colossus/Kitty Pryde train new mutants, Cylcops/Jean-Grey's future son hangs around with Forge and some other mutants, and Bishop is the only one who knows that things are not the way they should be.  This would probably need to be at least two parts, but it would be awesome and maybe people would buy some of those toys rotting on the shelves of Ollie's.

Spider-Man: The Clone Saga:  Besides "The Death of Superman" and "Knightfall," this was the biggest comics story of the 90s.  And like an episode of the documentary series "Slugfest" mentioned it got dragged out for much, much longer than anyone intended.  But making a 90-minute or so movie would allow the story to be more like how it was originally intended.  Basically the whole thing is about a clone of Spider-Man/Peter Parker who comes to go by the name Ben Reilly and deciding who is the real Peter and who is the clone and whatever.

Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe:  It's exactly what it sounds like:  Deadpool goes nuttier (or sane maybe) and kills every Marvel hero in a variety of creative ways.  Then he takes on villains too and even the writers of his comics!

Deadpool Killology:  Deadpool kills great characters of literature for...reasons.  It's pretty funny to have Deadpool fighting Moby-Dick, Sherlock Holmes, etc.

And for the hell of it, why not throw some non-DC/Marvel in there?

Die:  This is sort of an R-rated version of that old Dungeons & Dragons show.  Years ago a group of British kids were sucked into a fantasy world and all but one escaped.  In the present they're drawn back to that world and again have to escape, which means confronting the mistakes of the past.  Since I thought the series went on a little too long some of the padding could be taken out to easily make this an 80-90-minute movie.

Highest House:  In this series a boy named Moth is sold into slavery.  Moth is taken to "Highest House" the colossal palace of one of the major houses in the kingdom.  It's kind of like King's Landing in Game of Thrones.  Moth is chosen to help a woman work on the many roofs of the place.  But soon in his dreams he starts hearing the voice of a mysterious being known as Obsidian that wants to make a bargain with Moth:  it'll give him whatever he wants if he helps to free it.  Eventually Moth agrees on the condition that Obsidian give him knowledge, heal his sister's eyes, and free the slaves.  But Obsidian can't do all of that directly.

Arrowsmith:  An alternate universe World War I where there's magic along with regular weapons.  A young boy signs up to be a wizard or whatever thinking it'll be all patriotic and glorious and finds it's not.

Lost Light:  I know this will never happen but it was my favorite Transformers comics series ever.  It focuses on Rodimus Prime and a ragtag group of mostly Autobots exploring the galaxy.  Sort of like Star Trek only with the humor and the ragtag misfits it's more like Lower Decks.  An animated movie or two of the best stories would be awesome.  Or just a series.  It'd give Hasbro an excuse to make more toys.

And maybe more...?

Monday, January 15, 2024

Who Would Be Your Retro Justice League?

 Since it's a holiday, here's a completely stupid topic I got thinking about while watching The Flash a couple of months ago.  That movie features a cameo by "Nic Cage" as Superman--or some awful AI that's supposed to be him at any rate--and George Clooney as Bruce Wayne at the end.  If you think about it, about 1998 or so this could have been the foundation of a Justice League movie since Clooney was Batman at that time and Cage was supposed to be Superman.  Then I got thinking, who would you cast as the rest of the league?

Pretend this is a multiverse world where Batman & Robin didn't flop hard and the Cage Superman movie happened to some success.  Now you're tasked with casting the rest of the Justice League for a big summer blockbuster.

Not Vol 1 But Close Enough!

Since it would be about 1998 it has to be people who were around then.  Also I figured we should probably use the JLA volume 1 by Grant Morrison roster since that was about that time period.  That roster was Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Martian Manhunter, Aquaman (with one hand), Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner), and Flash (Wally West).  (Fun Fact:  Cyborg didn't join the Justice League until the "New 52" comics of 2011.)

So here's what I picked:

Superman:  Nic Cage

Batman:  George Clooney

Wonder Woman:  Why not Clooney's Out of Sight co-star Jennifer Lopez?   Can you imagine that booty in star-spangled shorts?  Hell yeah!

Martian Manhunter:  I was thinking Tony Todd of The Candyman and also Worf's brother on TNG/DS9.  He's big and he has a really cool voice.  The only problem is CGI would suck so they'd probably have to paint him green for when he's in Martian form.  Mostly you'd probably want him in human form to save on cheesy-looking makeup.  If they hired Rick Baker and the crew from Men in Black they could probably get something pretty good but it'd still probably be expensive and time-consuming.

Green Lantern (Kyle Rayner):  Since Kyle is supposed to be Latino, who was the top Latino actor then?  Antonio Banderas.  He'd still be young enough in 1998 for it to work.  The good thing about Kyle Rayner's costume is it's mostly black so you don't need it to really be green--or animated.  It could probably look a lot better than the Ryan Reynolds one is what I'm saying.

The Flash (Wally West):  Since this was before The Bourne Identity, I thought, hey, why not Matt Damon?  He'd probably be looking for an action role back then and he wouldn't be too tall and bulky to be a speedster.  So naturally then...

Aquaman:  In the late 90s if you cast Matt Damon you have to have Ben Affleck, right?  And while he'd look more like Namor than Aquaman, just give him a blond wig and beard and a harpoon for one hand and it'd work well enough.  If not, check to see if Brad Pitt is available.

There you go, that's my roster.  With two Latinx and a black guy it's a lot more inclusive than a lot of 90s stuff.

So if you're reading this, who would you cast?  Besides Batman and Superman.  Those are static.  I mean if they weren't I sure as hell wouldn't pick Clooney for Batman.

Make your picks in the comments!

Friday, January 12, 2024

The Danger of Branding Dead Authors

 I've talked before about posthumous books and how much I dislike them.  And who controls an author's work after he/she dies.  And in that discussion I mentioned that since his death in 2013, Tom Clancy has basically been used as a brand name.  His estate and/or Ubisoft, along with Big Publishing have put out a bunch of books with his name on them despite that he never wrote them and had been dead for years prior.  It's still going on as this book is slated for release this spring:

On top of that, Clancy is listed as a producer for TV shows featuring his work when, again, he's been dead for 10 1/2 years.  It's seems crazy.  And then it gets crazier!

Someone on Bluesky mentioned this book:

At first I just thought it was another of those "official" books using his name.  But when you look at it the description is no description and instead of Penguin or MacMillan or some other big publisher, it's through Amazon.

So I'm pretty sure that's just a knockoff.  Which isn't really surprising.  I mean when you make your author a brand it's pretty easy then to create knockoffs using the same brand.  It happens all the time with toys, electronics, watches, clothes, and so on.  Why shouldn't it happen with authors?

Perhaps seeing a couple of reviews saying this isn't a real Tom Clancy book, the description was updated as follows:

Prior to his passing in 2013, author Tom Clancy wrote 19 best-selling books. He co-wrote another dozen or so books with 7 other authors. In the following years 36 more authors have written almost 100 more books. Hundreds of writers have created two dozen video games, several tv shows, and streaming series.

This book, “Between the Lines” is a new kind of genre for the Tom Clancy Universe: Historical Fiction. It takes almost all of the books, movies, tv shows, and every mission in every video game, and references the minor characters and missions in the background of real world events. It’s a new story with new characters taking place between the lines of the rest of the Tom Clancy Universe.

Operation Desert Shield, Desert Storm, Somalia, the Rwandan genocide, and so many other real events now tie together between the lines in the books, games, all the missions in the different games, and movies. See how one of being a hostage changed Erwin Osterman’s life (Rainbow 6 novel, and original game). Find out why Nikoladze was more than just a Georgian oil baron (Splinter Cell). Was Colonel Charles Bliss always an egomaniac (The Division)? How did historic floods in Mississippi ripple into characters and events? What was 911 like for some characters? What effect did Hurricane Katrina have on characters and events?

This story is a new stand alone in a world that crosses the Tom Clancy Universe with the real world, and it does so by reading between the lines and referencing hundreds of secondary and tertiary characters and events.

It also adds a fake publisher with "Turner Book Writers."  Sounds legit.  Basically this new description is saying it's fan fiction, which again you're not supposed to profit off of unless you have the permission of the property holder.

Just to prove it's not an isolated case, here's another one:

That one is done a little better--except the cover--but still I'm pretty sure that's not an officially licensed one.  It is pretty ridiculous that this is what it's come to in publishing, "official" and "unofficial" works trading on a dead man's name.  It's ghoulish and really I'm not sure who's worse:  the big publishers who collude to do this or small-time scammers copying them.

This is the rare case where I don't really fault Amazon.  I mean when the legitimate publishers use "Tom Clancy Blah Blah Blah" for titles, how is some flunky in India supposed to know that some scammer's "Tom Clancy Blah Blah Blah" isn't legit?  You can't expect them to actually read through all the details or read the books themselves.  Ironically by making Clancy a brand, his estate/Ubisoft/Big Publishing have made it easier for scammers--and harder for readers to determine what is "official" and what is "unofficial."

His estate should be ashamed, but I suppose they're too busy counting the money to really care.

Wednesday, January 10, 2024

Death & Clickbait Should Not Mix

 I've talked before about stupid clickbait headlines.  The idea is these sites deliberately write a headline to entice you to read it.  This happens a lot with "articles" about TV, movies, comics, or sports.  Sometimes it's pretty funny like with sports where a clickbait headline proclaims, "Jets Sign Veteran Packers QB!"  And you're supposed to think they finally traded for Packers QB Aaron Rodgers.  But really it was just about them signing one of Rodgers's many backups Tim Boyle who hadn't been on the Packers for years, but at some point he was, so, hey, it's not lying!  I mean, from a certain point of view, right?

This one is pretty funny too.  "Essential Retailer Faces Key Chapter 11 Deadline."  What "essential retailer?"  To find out you have to not only click the article, but wallow through 7 paragraphs vamping with generic blather about what Chapter 11 bankruptcy is and scroll past at least one video box to find out it's Rite Aid.  I suppose in some places Rite Aid is "essential" though not so much where I live; I haven't used Rite Aid in many, many years because I didn't live that close to one and one drug I used a lot they'd never have in stock so I'd have to wait days longer.  Maybe that's part of why they went bankrupt?

Anyway, most of this is pretty benign, but what really annoyed me was when I saw them doing this with people who died.  One headline was, "‘Transformers’ Voice Actor Dies at 69 After Battling Pancreatic Cancer."  The way the headline is written is to make you think someone from the old TV show or the newer movies has died.  Oh no, was it Peter Cullen or Frank Welker?  (I didn't think so because they're older than that.)  Someone from Beast Wars maybe?  Someone from one of the more recent "live action" movies?

Of course not.  It was "only" a guy who voiced a character on the short-lived 2000 Robots in Disguise series, which I never watched.  No disrespect to him or his family, but it was annoying to open the article and then I'm like, "Oh, OK, that guy from that show I never saw.  That sucks."  I was worried it was someone I was familiar with but then it wasn't.  Then I feel shitty for thinking it's "only" that guy.  But I guess the site got a click so well done.

Another one I saw read something like, "Legendary Member of '84 Tigers Team Passes at 69."  I already knew it was Guillermo "Willie" Hernandez from more responsible sources--ie the Tigers Facebook account.  Otherwise I might have had to give them a click to find out.

I understand the need for clicks, but it's really disrespectful to treat someone's death like some stupid NFL transaction or movie casting rumor.  Most clickbait sites aren't "journalism" but they could have a little professionalism.  Someone's death shouldn't be treated so callously as a way to cash in with a few clicks for ad revenue.

I don't think that's asking for too much, do you?

(BTW, another annoying thing lately is these sites are now posting rumors and just wishes as facts.  Like one Tigers newsletter I get declares, "Tigers Poach Infielder From Division Rival."  Oh, so who'd they get?  No one!  It was just some asshole's imaginary trade for a guy, but the headline clearly makes it sound like something actually happened.  A similar one was, "Vikings trade for $19M QB!"  Well, no, they couldn't as the trade deadline was months ago.  This was again just some asshole's imaginary trade in the offseason, but again, presented like it already happened.  Like the old crying wolf, it makes it really hard to distinguish between actual news and fake news.)

Monday, January 8, 2024

Stuff I Watched Last Year: DC Edition

 In 2022 I used "Black Friday" deals to catch up on movies on Starz and Showtime including Everything Everywhere, Spider-Man No Way Home, and Ghostbusters Afterlife.  So as "Black Friday" approached, I kept an eye out for deals on my Roku.  I got MGM+ to finish watching The Winter King and finally they had MAX for only $2.99.  

My primary purpose in wanting MAX was to catch up on DC movies, both live action and animated.  Since I binged a bunch, I thought I'd put them in one entry.  You're welcome.

The Flash:  This movie was fraught with problems before its June 2023 release.  In over 5 years of development there were multiple writer/director changes, the pandemic, the change of leadership at DC/WB, and the bad behavior of star Ezra Miller.  A lot was working against this and it surprised no one when it failed.

But like Shazam Fury of the Gods, it also wasn't a very good movie.  And like the Zack Snyder entries in the DCECU it has some good ideas but just not enough to make the whole movie work.

Something I noted a long time ago was the DCECU movies had introduced Barry Allen/the Flash as more of a sidekick.  I liked that this was addressed early on where during a rescue of babies at a hospital he describes himself as "the Justice League's janitor."  He does basically just use his speed to save people.  This opening scene also made me disappointed that the DCECU's Justice League never really had a chance because there is good chemistry between Barry and Ben Affleck's Batman and then also Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman.  Though it reuses the joke from the theatrical Justice League with the Lasso of truth only with Batman instead of Aquaman. (If you think about it, really it would have made more sense to have whoever set this crime in motion be part of the later action.  Like if it had been Reverse Flash or Dark Flash or Professor Zoom or whoever then it could have tied into things later instead of having not much real point.  Just one of many script problems.)

But then the story has to begin in earnest when Barry realizes he can go back in time to try to save his mom.  He plans to do this in a creative way:  the day his mom died, his father was at the store to get tomatoes that his mother had forgot to buy earlier.  So Barry goes back to put the tomatoes in his mom's cart.  Simple, no?  No!  As he tries to get back to the present, a malevolent speedster knocks him into the year 2013 when Barry is only 18 years old.  He finds his mother alive and there's a sweet reunion before Barry meets his younger self and realizes it's the night he's supposed to get his powers.  Recreating the accident causes younger Barry to get powers--but older Barry loses his.

(Something that occurred to me later:  do they ever say who killed his mom?  In the comics and Flash TV show it was Reverse Flash going back in time to kill her to create his hero/enemy the Flash, but I don't think this movie ever says who kills her or even shows it, just the aftermath.  Weird.)

The movie then addresses something else, which is how annoying Barry can be.  Dealing with his hyperactive younger self, Barry starts to realize how hard he is to deal with and matures a bit.  

But while it's when Barry gets powers, it's also when Zod invades Earth.  In Man of Steel, Superman confronted Zod, but when no one comes forward to confront Zod this time, the Barrys go looking for him.  They enlist the aid of Bruce Wayne, who is now the Michael Keaton version, who's a lonely old man.

There's a somewhat decent explanation that time is not linear and changing something anywhere can change everything, both past and present.  So while Barry didn't go back to before Bruce Wayne was born, he still changed the past and present.  They convince Bruce to help them locate the Kryptonian, who turns out to be Kara Zor-El, aka Supergirl.

From there the movie has some good moments as Barry starts to realize that some things can't be changed--or shouldn't be.  Trying to convince Other Barry of that proves to be the problem.  There are a couple of plot holes if you paid attention to Man of Steel.  In that movie it wasn't the sun that gave Kryptonians superpowers but the Earth's atmosphere.  That was why Zod thought he needed the "World Engines" to terraform Earth.  But in BvS they changed it to the traditional thing of the sun giving Superman power.  The Flash uses the solar thing too, so in that case, why does Zod bring the World Engines?  There wouldn't be much difference in the atmosphere and the sun would affect them no matter what gases are in the atmosphere--unless you're going to create an Ice Age-type thing where the sky is too polluted for much sun to get through, but I don't see why they would do that.  Also, why doesn't older Barry realize that the radiation from the World Engines created Kryptonite that can kill Kryptonians?  I know he wasn't really in BvS but Bruce or Clark probably mentioned something about it.  So instead of going after Zod, they should have gone after the World Engine and tried to get some Kryptonite to then go after Zod.  I'm just saying.

Despite Ezra Miller's problems and how annoying he is early on, he manages to do a really good job of growing and maturing--as the character.  Both versions of the character.  It's disappointing that Sasha Calle as Kara didn't get more to do.  And Keaton does a good job bringing back his Batman, though it seems a little ridiculous how many times he gets shot in the cape.  Probably the one who suffered the most from all the script/director changes was Kiersey Clemons as Iris West, whose role was reduced to only a little at the beginning and end, leaving not much of a chance to create an impression.

Overall like I said, the movie has some good moments and a few good ideas, but it just doesn't have enough to make a satisfying movie.  And, really, some of the effects are pretty bad.  I know some in the Speed Force were supposed to be, but others like during the hospital rescue didn't look great on my TV, so I'm sure they looked worse on a big screen.  (2.5/5)  (Fun Facts:  From what has been said the ending was shot three times.  I think one ending was supposed to bring back Affleck's Batman.  A second ending would have brought Keaton's Batman and Calle's Supergirl into the present to use them going forward.  But with the change of leadership at DC they decided to make the end a joke with George Clooney showing up as Bruce Wayne.  While that wasn't really satisfying, the second ending wouldn't have really worked with what happened in the 2013 timeline.  They really should have just gone with the first ending.  A cookie scene at the end brings in Jason Mamoa's Aquaman for a cameo that doesn't really help to set up his movie.  I thought the Nic Cage as Superman thing would just be a brief glimpse but it did go on for a minute or so as he fights a giant spider, a reference to producer Jon Peters's demand for a giant spider in the movie.  George Reeves' Superman, Christopher Reeve's Superman, Helen Slater's Supergirl, and Adam West's Batman also get cameos that were probably made by "AI" that shows what the striking actors were fighting against.)

Blue Beetle:  This movie makes some curious decisions that didn't really work out for the best.  I read some of the comics introducing the Jaime Reyes Blue Beetle and also watched Young Justice on MAX featuring the character.  The origin is that an alien "scarab" attaches itself to a teenager in Texas and basically creates an Iron Man-type suit for him.  It was sort of if you combined Spider-Man and Iron Man as he's in high school and has a couple of friends and a girl he likes and instead of spider powers has the alien Iron Man suit thing.

That's not really what the movie does.  Instead of Texas, the origin is fictional "Palmera City" in...somewhere.  It really looks more like Miami than El Paso like the comics I read.  And really "Palmera" makes me think of original Atom Ray Palmer.  Jaime has graduated Gotham University with a degree in pre-law and come back home.  The alien scarab is in the lab of Kord Industries, which was owned by second Blue Beetle Ted Kord, who has gone missing so his...sister(?) Victoria (Susan Sarandon looking like a more-evil Hillary Clinton) has taken over and plans to create a knockoff of the scarab called the OMAC or One Man Army Corps, which is another DC property.

Ted's daughter Jenny gives the scarab to Jaime to sneak it from the building.  He opens the box in front of his whole family (parents, sister, grandma, and wacky uncle played by George Lopez) so unlike other superhero stories his entire family knows his "secret" identity.  So it's not really secret, especially when he tells Jenny Kord too.  He really might as well have held a press conference.

A guy named Carapax (like carapace?) tries to take the scarab using an OMAC suit.  When Jaime escapes, Carapax and Victoria Kord go after Jaime's family.  One member dies and the rest have to work with Jenny after Jaime is captured trying to save them.

While I didn't hate this, it sort of makes this a super team, especially when they go to the Beetle Cave to loot it.  The problem with super teams is there's only so much screen time to go around and it makes it hard to feature everyone equally.  It might have been better to just keep the focus on Jaime, Jenny, and maybe the sister and/or uncle so more attention could be paid to them--and the villains.  It's not really until almost the end that we learn what the deal is with Carapax.

The movie also goes all-in with the Spanish.  Between Spanglish and Spanish with subtitles there's a lot of non-English.  I'm not adverse to subtitles--I've watched whole movies in subtitles--but you know there are a lot of people who are like, "I didn't go to the movies to read!"  And I'm not sure what they do overseas in translating the Spanglish; do they leave the Spanish parts in Spanish and only translate the English?  And what about when it's in a Spanish-speaking country?

Anyway, the last act gets better as it puts more focus on Jaimie taking on Carapax.  But I can't help thinking that they could have simplified a lot of this and like the comics just done it like a Spider-Man movie instead of him graduating college and his whole family instantly knowing everything.  Maybe cut the Kord stuff down (pun intended) and get into the scarab's alien origin, which involves something called "The Reach" who as featured in the second season of Young Justice are not exactly benevolent aliens.  In that show and the comics, the intelligence that runs the scarab is also not nearly so benevolent or tolerant of humans.

While not as bad as The Flash and Shazam Fury of the Gods, it's not really a great movie either.  It could have been a decent foundation for a franchise though I don't think that will happen.  A cookie scene establishes that Ted Kord is alive...somewhere which I suppose would have been part of a sequel.  Maybe then they could have gotten into the alien stuff like if The Reach abducted Ted or something.  But whatever. Like The Flash, the effects didn't always look great either; in this case it might have been that I think like the Batgirl movie mulched for a tax break this was originally supposed to be a MAX Original before it got "promoted" to theaters, making its failure more public.  D'OH!  (2.5/5) (Fun Fact:  One of Ted Kord's old gadgets is made from a Nintendo Power Glove and I was really disappointed no one said, "It's so bad" like in The Wizard.)

Young Justice:  Phantoms:  This is the 4th season of the show and second made for MAX.  I really liked the first two seasons but the last one was kind of uneven.  This one was just a struggle to get through.  They use a Clone Wars storytelling technique of having the season stitched out of multi-episode arcs.  The first focuses on M'Gann (Miss Martian) and Conner (Superboy) going to M'Arzz (Mars) to meet her family and get married.  But her evil brother shows up and threatens to kill everyone with a bomb until Conner sacrifices himself to stop him.  The next arc focuses on Tigress and her sister finding Lady Shiva and rescuing Cassandra Cain (late 90s-early 2000s Batgirl) from her.  Then there's an arc about Zatanna and magic students fighting a "Lord of Chaos" rival to Klarion the Witch Boy.  And another arc about Kaldur'ahm, Arthur Curry, Mera, etc. getting embroiled in a plot to steal the crown of Atlantis.  Then there's an arc about Rocket (a former sidekick of Hardware or something?), Forager, and Jay Garrick Flash going to New Genesis to negotiate peace between them, Earth, and the Green Lanterns.  Finally it gets to the meat of it when Zod's future son rescues him and his army--including a brainwashed Conner--from the Phantom Zone to go to Earth to sorta reenact Superman II.  Mayhem ensues!  The 26 episode season could really have been done in half that--if not less.  While it was nice to see a lot of the characters again, there were a lot of extra pieces that weren't essential for the overall story.  But it gets a big bonus point from me for the New Genesis section including Kilowog and Razer and tying to the Green Lantern Animated series from about 10 years ago.  It doesn't give us full closure but it's nice to see them again, only in regular animation instead of CGI.  The rest was just too much of not really a good thing. Especially annoying were the social issues:  Beast Boy's PTSD, Halo's Muslimness, and Rocket's autistic son.  Those aren't bad in and of themselves but it was often just overbearing to the point of sounding like a PSA.  (2.5/5) (Fun Fact:  I'm not sure if there will be another season but there is plenty of room as this did little to tie up the Markovia thing in the previous season and in the end Darkseid recruits Mary Marvel (Shazam's adopted sister) and Supergirl. Sad Fact:  There are tributes to both Rene Auberjonois and Ed Asner who did voices on the show and died before this last one aired.) 

DC's animated movies have been around since at least 1993's Batman: Mask of the Phantasm.  In the 2010s they had a bunch of connected movies loosely based on the "New 52" comic book universe.  That ended in 2020 with Apokolips War, a dark R-rated feature that killed and maimed numerous characters and wound up with Barry Allen going back to change things.  So then they started over with a Superman movie that was OK and a Wonder Woman movie that maybe got a little too dark.

Constantine: House of Mystery:  This is really 4 short films that are about the length of one regular animated movie.  The titular one picks up at the end of Apokolips War.  Since Constantine helps the Flash go back in time and casts some spell to keep Darkseid from finding Earth, he's punished by the Spectre by being locked up in a creepy Victorian house, into basically a hell of his own making; it's like why the original Matrix failed in those movies.  This winds up basically being the rancid cherry on the turd sundae that was Apokolips War.  (2.5/5) The next story is "Kamandi the Last Boy," a creation of legendary artist Jack Kirby in the 70s.  On a future Earth where everything is ruined and mutated animal people are everywhere, Kamandi, some kind of android or something, a tiger guy, and a gorilla guy have to pass challenges for a prize that could set up a sequel but probably won't.  (3/5) Then there's "The Losers" who aren't The Losers from the 2010-ish movie who were like an off-brand A-Team.  These Losers are a group of WWII soldiers and a Chinese agent (voiced by Ming-Na Wen) who stumble onto a Lost World and have to destroy the time portal or whatever.  (3/5) The most fun was "Blue Beetle" that is made like an old-school 70s or early 80s cartoon like Superfriends or Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends.  Ted Kord's Blue Beetle and the Question have to find out why some evil henchmen called "the Squids" stole a valuable diamond.  It was goofy and silly but that's what it was supposed to be. A welcome 180 from the first story. (4/5) (Fun Facts:  House of Mystery was an anthology comic like Action Comics, Detective Comics, or Journey Into Mystery.  It started as a horror comic in the 50s but expanded to superheroes later before becoming a base for the Justice League Dark in the 2010s.  In the Blue Beetle short all the characters are from Charlton Comics, who went out of business in 1986 and according to Wikipedia DC bought their superhero characters for $5000 apiece.  That's probably a good value considering what those characters have made since then.  David Kaye voices The Question; he was also the voice of Megatron in Beast Wars and a couple of later series.)

Justice Society of America: World War II:  This continues that new universe as Barry and Iris visit Metropolis and he teams up with Superman against Brainiac only to accidentally speed across space and time to another universe where it's like 1943 and the Justice Society of Wonder Woman, Hawkman, Hourman, Black Canary, and Jay Garrick's Flash are fighting the Nazis.  Instead of a fun time-traveling adventure it becomes a dark, confusing slog as the Nazis enlist Aquaman and Atlantis to invade America thanks to some Wormtongue-type guy.  And I just hate this Eastern European woman they have for Wonder Woman; she sounds like Natasha in those old Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons.  Like I said, what could have been a fun adventure and celebration of DC history is completely squandered. (2/5)

Green Lantern:  Beware My Power:  I think this is vaguely in the same continuity as the other animated ones I mentioned, but there's not a lot of carryover so it's pretty much stand-alone.  Anyway, a Guardian from Oa crashes on Earth and gives former soldier John Stewart Hal Jordan's old ring.  John ends up meeting Green Arrow, Martian Manhunter, and Vixen on the Justice League Watchtower.  Green Arrow goes with him to Oa, where they find the Green Lanterns massacred.  And a warrior from Thanagar (where Hawkman is sometimes from) tries to kill them.  They find Adam Strange and uncover a plot that involves Hal Jordan and the evil Parallax entity.

Basically this is doing the 90s stories where Hal Jordan turned into the evil Parallax after his home of Coast City was destroyed by Doomsday.  Hal slaughtered the Green Lanterns so that only one Guardian remained, who gave a ring to Kyle Rayner, who was a Latino artist.  

Using this story with no real setup just didn't really work.  In the comics Hal turned because his home city was wiped out, but in this he decides to destroy the universe...just cuz.  It really doesn't make a lot of sense.  And while it was nice to have a Green Lantern origin that wasn't Hal Jordan, they didn't really do a lot with John other than show him killing people in Afghanistan and defending a drunk in an alley.

Again what could have been a fun, star-faring adventure became a dull slog that ruined Hal Jordan.  You really didn't need to build up John by tearing Hal down; the two co-existed in the comics for about 15 years before that whole Parallax thing.  And where was Kilowog?  The pig-faced drill instructor is always great and sadly missing--unless he was a corpse somewhere.  Stupid poozers.  (2/5) (Fun Fact:  When the planet Thanagar is transported with zeta beams it's like in the old Transformers TV show miniseries "The Ultimate Doom" where Megatron uses the space bridge to bring Cybertron to Earth.  This was then done less competently in the third Bay movie.)

Legion of Super-Heroes:  Supergirl has been on Earth a couple of months and is having trouble fitting in on such a primitive backwater and with all these new abilities, so her cousin (Superman) uses a device to take her to the 31st Century.  There she meets the Legion of Super-Heroes and is admitted to the "Legion Academy" along with Mon-El (who basically has the same powers though he's from a different planet), Brainiac 5 (the 4th clone of the original Brainiac), Triplicate Girl (who like in Neil Vogler's Tripler can create three of herself, Phantom Girl (who disappears and reappears at will), Invisible Boy (obvious), Bouncing Boy (also obvious), and a boy whose arms can come off to fly around--whatever his name was supposed to be.  No one trusts Brainiac, especially not Supergirl since the original tried to kill her cousin in the JSA movie until the Flash killed him with a Kryptonite bullet.

It's a little predictable from there.  You know since everyone hates Brainiac he'll turn out to be good.  Everyone (including Supergirl) is smitten with Mon-El so of course he turns out to be bad.  And mayhem ensues!  Overall this one was actually pretty fun.  There are a couple of gross parts and a couple of deaths, though no one important, but it's not as dark and dreary as many of their other recent animated movies.  While it is connected to the other movies like the Green Lantern one it can be watched by itself, though unlike that other one it can actually be enjoyed. (3.5/5) (Fun Fact:  a cookie scene adds another link to the chain of the overall plot when Superman and Batman are abducted by a zeta beam seen in the Green Lantern movie.  They're presumably taken to...)

Justice League:  Warworld:  The instant problem with this movie is the title, description, and cover image all give the plot away.  The movie starts with Wonder Woman as a Western drifter who saves some townspeople from Jonah Hex.  Then it jumps to a Conan the Barbarian-type setting with Bruce Wayne as a mercenary warrior who is captured and leads "Warlord" to the fortress of a wizard.  Then it goes black-and-white to echo an old Twilight Zone episode, "Will the Real Martian Please Stand Up?"  Clark Kent is a young FBI agent who along with his boss has to determine if someone in a diner is an alien, which in this case is ironic.

The dumb thing is we already know none of this is real.  It's not even a spoiler, because it's called Warworld.  The description and even the cover image tells us that Wonder Woman, Superman, and Batman are on Warworld and hallucinating these fantasies.  So we're just waiting around for them to realize this.  Recent Future State and regular Superman comics were probably a lot more interesting when it comes to Warworld as in those Superman was forced to fight as a gladiator while "The Authority" stage a rebellion.  They really should have leaned more on that and done those first two segments as separate Elseworld movies.

The real point of this was to clumsily introduce a Crisis on Infinite Earths trilogy that will start next year.  I wouldn't really look forward to it. And it seems really stupid to do a Crisis when they just rebooted their animated continuity only a couple of years ago.  But what's really important is trading on the famous name, right?(2.5/5) (Fun Fact:  This uses the same terrible voice for Wonder Woman.  Ugh.)

You can see that while these movies don't always overlap a lot, each one adds a link to the chain.  First they introduced Superman, in the JSA movie Brainiac is introduced and seemingly killed and the multiverse concept is introduced, in the Green Lantern movie we see zeta beams that can movie stuff around, in the Legion movie Brainiac returns from the "dead" and zeta beams abduct Batman and Superman, and then they have to solve the mystery of Warworld which leads to the Crisis.  Not the best setup but not really as incompetent and rushed as the live action movies.

Batman: The Long Halloween:  This is based on the comic book series from the late 90s by future Marvel TV producer Jeph Loeb and artist Tim Sale.  It's also a big influence for the Nolan Batman movies, especially The Dark Knight.  It's probably also an influence for the new Matt Reeves series.  I read the series a while ago so I don't know if this two-part movie is exactly like the book or not.  

Anyway, this takes place early in Batman's career as almost a sequel to Frank Miller's Year One; unlike the Nolan movies most of Batman's rogue's gallery has already appeared.  Starting on Halloween, a mysterious killer known only as "Holiday" starts killing someone related to mobster Carmine Falcone.  Over Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, St. Patrick's Day, Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, Fourth of July, Labor Day, and back to Halloween, Holiday kills someone while Batman, Captain Gordon, and Harvey Dent try to find out who it is.  (I think there were 12 issues of the comic and 12 holidays.)  Selina Kyle (or Catwoman) also helps Batman out at times.  She already knows his real identity and they have a sort of romance going.

The movie drags a little since the two parts make it almost 3 hours.  Still it is good if you like Batman, especially the Nolan version.  I remembered who Holiday was from the comics but if you haven't read that I don't think it's really obvious.  With the involvement of Catwoman and Poison Ivy at one point you can see some parallels to the slightly later Hush series that also has an animated movie. (4/5) (Fun Facts:  Robin Atkins Downes voices Scarecrow and someone else, but not Penguin, whom he played in Gotham.  Katee Sackhoff, aka Bo Katan and Starbuck, voices Poison Ivy.  There's no real connection to any of the other animated DC movies except a cookie scene joke at the very end where Green Arrow and Flash show up in costume on Halloween.)

Catwoman: Hunted:  Like Batman: Ninja from a couple of years ago, this uses a more traditional anime look for no real reason.  I mean none of it takes place in Japan and maybe only one character is potentially Japanese.  This is a fun caper as Selina Kyle steals a valuable gem from Black Mask and "Leviathan" in Spain.  Then she's hunted by Black Mask, Leviathan, Interpol, and Batwoman.  The latter captures her to force her to work for the good guys, but Leviathan will do anything to teach Catwoman a lesson, including siccing Solomon Grundy on her!  A really fun movie where the only disappointment I have is they didn't show Batwoman without her mask more--and that the bath scene would have gone further.  Meow. (4/5) (Fun Facts:  The voice cast includes Jonathan Banks, aka Mike from Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul, and also Keith David and Jonathan Frakes, who worked together previously in Disney's Gargoyles.  About the only potential tie to any of the continuity movies is that Cheetah is in this and was in the Wonder Woman movie, though I don't know if that means they're supposed to be connected or not.)

Challenge of the Super Sons:  Near the end of the "New 52" era, the New 52 Superman was killed off and a "new" Superman was brought in who was supposed to be the one from the 90s continuity.  This Superman was married to Lois Lane and had a young son named Jonathan who developed Superman's powers.  For a few years Jonathan and Batman's son Damian Wayne (made and raised early on by Talia al Guhl) would go on adventures together as the "Super Sons."

This movie pretty much sticks with that.  In a montage we see Clark and Lois getting married and having Jonathan.  At the start Jonathan is a normal kid, but when he gets mad at his dad for missing a baseball game, he develops heat vision and so his father reveals his secret.  Then they go to the Batcave to have Jon's DNA tested.  Jon meets Damian, who is an arrogant jerk.  But the two have to team up when Starro takes over their parents and most of the world.

Unlike a lot of these other ones, this one remains pretty light and fun.  The grossest part is the Starros that come out of people's mouths.  Ick.  I really wish this is what they were doing more of because it was fun and some really good characterization. (4/5) (Sad Fact:  In the comics they unfortunately decided to have Jon abducted by Jor-El and in the Phantom Zone or some damned place he became a young adult who for about a year took over as Superman while his father was on Warworld, so the whole "Super Sons" thing had to be retired, which is really too bad.  It was a neat idea.)

Injustice:  This movie is based on the video game that also had a comic book series that lasted for five seasons.  I'm not sure how many issues there were per season, but it was a lot.  So trying to distill all of that into an 80-minute movie turns out not to work great.

While I complain about a lot of these animated movies being too dark, this is supposed to be.  It's sort of like a darker, more violent version of Marvel's Civil War.  When the Joker kills Lois Lane, who's pregnant with Superman's child, Superman kills the Joker and then basically makes himself dictator of the world.  Batman and mostly unpowered heroes like Nightwing and Green Arrow resist Superman's rule.  Others, mostly those with powers like Wonder Woman and Hawkman, join Superman.  Damian Wayne also joins Superman and recruits Ra's al Guhl to "help" by creating a robot called Amazo that can replicate the powers of Superman and other heroes.  By putting Amazos all over the world they would basically have a superhuman police force.  When Amazo goes rogue in Smallville, enemies have to become allies.

It was OK but like I said, it's pretty hard to condense all of it into an 80-minute movie.  The thing with Dick Grayson in the afterlife was kind of silly and I wish they hadn't wasted their precious time on that.  I'm not sure if they're doing a sequel considering there was a sequel to the game with then a comic book to it as well. (3/5) (Fun Facts:  the way they stop Superman in the end was similar to what I did in Secret Origins when the Supergirl character went rogue.  The sadly amusing thing to me is when the Joker springs his trap the Flash is apparently killed and literally no one notices or cares.  I mean there's no mention of it at all while such a big deal is made about Lois dying.  Unlike some of those other movies, the voice of Wonder Woman is provided by Rifftrax alum and San Francisco Sketchfest founder Janet Varney.)  

The Doom That Came to Gotham:  This is a Batman Elseworlds tale that mixes Batman with Lovecraft.  The comic miniseries was co-written by Hellboy creator Mike Mignola, who also drew the covers.  For those reasons this is not a fun and light story.  There's a lot of horror and gross stuff and some violence--and demon butt!  Seriously, in comics Etrigan the Demon usually wears clothes, but not in this.  I guess to keep it from being too hard-R they don't show his wang.

The story starts in 1928 in Antarctica where Bruce Wayne is searching for Professor Oswald Cobblepot and his lost expedition.  He instead finds a zombie blathering about doom and mutant penguins!  Bruce stupidly takes the zombie back to Gotham.  As Batman he tracks down a "Testament of Guhl" and runs into Talia al Guhl and her minion Killer Croc.  She also has a demon and Poison Ivy, who's some other kind of demon.  

Oliver Queen is Bruce's friend with a dark secret concerning the death of Bruce's parents.  Dick Grayson is Bruce's right hand man, but not Robin.  There's also "Sanjay Todd," who's an Indian kid whose name is a bastardization of Jason Todd, and "Kay Li Cain" who is an Asian girl based on late 90s-2000s Batgirl Cassie Cain.  Barbara Gordon is really an Oracle as a medium.  Her father, Harvey Dent, Lucius Fox, and Alfred all pretty much inhabit their typical roles.

Someone on Goodreads complained that a lot of these traditional characters don't really do anything.  I never read the comic but they seemed to do a good job in the movie of incorporating everyone in a fairly logical way.  I mean logical for a story that involves demons and tentacle monsters.  If you're a fan of Batman and a fan of Lovecraft then it's good; I'm more a fan of the former than latter. (3.5/5)

Justice League x RWBY, Part 1:  So you might ask, what is RWBY?  Even after watching this I don't really know.  Some anime thing where teenagers go to a school and use powers and "dust" to fight monsters called Grimms.  Characters from that and the Justice League (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Cyborg, Vixen, and Jessica Cruz Green Lantern) are brought together in a strange, unnatural world.  The added weirdness is the Justice League has been turned into teenagers, which for some of them interferes with their powers.  And Batman has bat wings and Vixen has a fox tail!  They get together with the RWBY kids to fight monsters and try to figure out what's going on.  It's OK and if you know what a RWBY is maybe it's better.  But some of it doesn't really make sense.  Like if you're the bad guy and you can turn the Justice League into teenagers, why not turn them into babies or really old people so they can't do anything?  Or, you know, just fucking kill them?  If there had been fewer characters and more time they probably could have done more with the League being teenagers but there's just not enough time to do much with the concept except Jessica struggling to figure out how to use her power and Batman thinking maybe it'd be cool to have wings and see different spectrums.

Since this says "Part 1" you'd think they'd set up a second part but it only kinda hints that there's another bad guy from the RWBY universe.  Maybe they somehow bring the Justice League there to help with it?  Or not.  Who knows?  (2.5/5)  (Writing Tip:  The problem as I noted with this is there are too many characters.  I mean you've got 7 in the Justice League and an equal number of RWBY for 14, plus maybe one or two others.  14 characters in a less than 90-minute movie means there's no way to give many much of a story because you still have to have big action pieces and stuff too.  I was thinking really story-wise it would have been better to shrink it down to 4 main characters.  Jessica/Juon(sp? It sounds like John basically) and Batman/Weiss were the two best stories so really just focus on them more and dump pretty much everything else.  Maybe make it so they have to find the other characters and figure out what's going on.  Or just have them be the only ones captured so they have to find a way out.  That'd be good too.  Anyway, the point being as I've said before on various blogs, too many characters make stories too thin and unwieldy.  This is a prime example.)

(Author Note:  I think though I might steal some part of this for one of my stories.  I mean I've done age regression stories before.  Really all I need to change is have a dude get sucked into this world and become a teenage girl.  How and why would need to be figured out.  I was thinking I could do a bastardized version of Forever Young:  a male FBI agent follows a criminal into a portal and comes out as a teenage girl with a Swiss-cheesed memory.  It's something to consider.)

Batman:  Curse of the Dragon:  This was the last of the animated movies I watched.  A Fun Fact I found out on Wikipedia:  in DC comics, "Richard Dragon" is basically their version of Iron Fist, the white guy who becomes an awesome martial arts guy.  But in this movie he's a Bruce Lee replica, like if Bruce Lee had been James Bond, whom we sorta see at the start of the movie in a casino.  They don't say his name, but who else would the sorta-Sean Connery-looking guy in a tuxedo playing cards be, right?

Since this is based on Enter the Dragon and other 70s kung-fu movies it's set in the 70s.  Finding a picture of "the Gate" his old master protected, Richard Dragon goes to Gotham to recruit Bruce Wayne, who trained with him some years ago.  They in turn go find Lady Shiva in Chinatown and then Bronze Tiger somewhere else.  Then they battle agents of Kobra, a ruthless terrorist organization--or whatever.  Interspersed with the present are flashbacks to when Richard, Bruce, Shiva, Bronze Tiger, and a couple others trained together in the Himalayas under O-Sensei, voiced by the late James Hong.  The flashbacks not only show Bruce acquiring martial arts skills but also shows what happened with "the Gate" the first time around, which is why they don't want there to be a second time.

It's OK if you like those old kung-fu movies.  Like some other animated movies in the past, Batman is more of a secondary character as this is mostly Richard Dragon's story.  They just needed to include Batman for the marketing. I'm not a fan of kung-fu movies or the 70s in general so it wasn't really my jam but not a bad movie by any stretch.  (3/5) (Fun Facts:  Michael Jai White voices Bronze Tiger; he played a more modern version of the character in live action on Arrow.  There's a setup for a sequel but I don't really know if it'll happen.)

Friday, January 5, 2024

New Adventures in Corporate Fascism

 For whatever reason, someone (or ones) at Amazon really don't like me.  Again and again I'm harassed, having things blocked or accounts closed for little reason.  With no real due process ever, just vague boilerplate emails that say nothing.  And emailing them only gets more boilerplate emails because no one seems to know what the hell is going on.

The first thing was while I was changing covers and categories for Eric Filler books, I figured I might as well do the PT Dilloway ones too.  Among those was the Tales of the Scarlet Knight comic book.  I didn't change anything except the categories.  Annnnd...Blocked.

This happened once or twice before where they took it off sale because some doofus in India thought I was plagiarizing my own book or something and I had to waste time then getting some other doofus in India to understand that the comic book is a comic book promoting the other book.  Also they're both written by me and released through my account, so what the fuck is the problem anyway?

I decided to just redo the comic in KDP Create so I could upgrade it to zoom into panels and whatever.  Which I had to look that up in their help section because it was in no way intuitive to do that.  (It's something like hold the D key as you select stuff.  Makes sense, right?  Not at all.)

It took a few hours to find all the old pages for the comic (with the words) and make a new cover and fix the last page with the old link to my blog.  I finally load it annnnd...Blocked.  What?  Why?

I finally got them to unlock the new version and it was OK for a few days...until they start harassing me with "quality issues."  The "issue" was I chose white for the panel edges instead of the default, which is blue or something.  Well someone demanded I use the default for...reasons.  I just clicked the button to say it's not an error.  And a few days later they do the same thing.  So I do the same thing annnnd...Blocked.

OK, really, if you're going to demand I use the default, then why even make it an option to use another color?  Why give me a choice and then say I can't make a choice?  It's another of those annoying Catch-22 things with them.

Finally I had enough and sent them an email demanding they stop harassing me about this because it's just a 9-page promo comic that has none of the graphic violence, sex, or language of the superhero shows their Prime Video division puts on TV like The Boys, Gen V, and Invincible.  I guess someone understood I was pretty irritated because they unblocked the thing and stopped bugging me about "quality issues"...for now.

Then a few days before Christmas I got an email from Amazon saying I had violated "community guidelines" and my community account was being blocked.  Which meant what?  I realized later it meant they'd closed my Vine account.  Why?

I thought it was because I wrote a review (that was never posted) about a stupid counterfeit "Snoop on the Stoop" toy.  I called it counterfeit and maybe pondered whether these had "fallen off a truck" or were just defective units they were trying to get rid of or something.  I don't remember what all I said but nothing with graphic language or sexual innuendo. 

I also mentioned that some knockoff Transformers were knockoff Transformers.  I mean, they are.  Those reviews got blocked even before they blocked my account.  They also blocked a review saying a knockoff Wednesday Addams doll was a knockoff Wednesday Addams doll.

But after Christmas I got a fairly rude response from someone called "Tristen."

Hello,

I'm sorry we haven't been able to address your concerns to your satisfaction. However, I won't be able to offer any additional insight or action on this matter.

We removed your posting privileges because your most recent post violated our guidelines and Conditions of Use. You previously violated our guidelines and then again.

[Version 5 - Mediocre Product, Company Harassment

What annoys me is you have to read some of that mind-numbing auto-translated or AI-written product description to realize the "48 GB" space is 16GB internal and an included 32GB card. My whole collection is less than 48 GB but it's more than 32GB so I have to break it up and put some internally and some on the card and it makes it kind of annoying to separate like that. Just say 16GB and expandable up to whatever. Otherwise it's OK. A little bulky and micro-USB charging is pretty retro these days. The Bluetooth works and the rest works as well as other cheap Chinese brands I've tried. UPDATE: Since a "Cynthia Nelson" supposedly from the company has been harassing me all week about taking down a review (even offering a $30 bribe) I have lowered my rating. There are...<truncated for this email>]

We won't reinstate your posting permissions for this account.

This was actually a lot dumber reason to ban me than I thought.  I mean back in April(!!!) this stupid person going by "Cynthia Nelson" (ha ha, yeah right) kept bugging me about taking down a 3-star review for a pretty mediocre MP3 player.  My main issue was they claim in the title of the product page that it has 48GB space, which would hold my music collection.  Buuuut down in the description it mentions that only 16GB of that is internal and the rest is a "TF Card" they include, which makes putting all of my music on there more difficult because I have to split it up.  Otherwise it was pretty basic and I don't know why "Cynthia Nelson" got a bug up her ass about it and kept emailing me and offering me a "refund" of up to $30 if I took down a review that wasn't very harsh.

I obviously should have just ignored her.  But when I had enough I changed my review to 1 star and wrote that someone from the company had been harassing me for a week about changing my review or removing it.  Because, really, you shouldn't buy products from companies that do stuff like this.

In a bitter cosmic irony, I wouldn't change or take down the review because I didn't want to lose my Amazon account.  Instead by reporting on the attempt to bribe me...I lose my Amazon account.  And meanwhile this asshole company keeps selling their mediocre product.  Only now they make even more confusing claims, saying in the title that it has 64GB and then in the description that it's 48 and up to 128 and I don't know what else.  It's ridiculous.

This one sentence from "Tristen" though doesn't make a lot of sense:
We removed your posting privileges because your most recent post violated our guidelines and Conditions of Use. You previously violated our guidelines and then again.

Most recent post...and then you quote something from April!?!  I previously violated our guidelines...when?  When did I previously violate the guidelines?  Did anyone even bother to tell me?

The plot thickens though!  January 2 I received this email after sending them another email or two:
We appreciate that you took the time to contact us about the review.
We read the review and did not find that it qualifies for removal for violating our Community Guidelines (available here: http://www.amazon.in/review-guidelines). We encourage our customers to give their honest feedback, whether positive or negative, about
the products sold on our site. Our Community Guidelines exist to cultivate a space where customers can share their opinions about the products they receive in a way that is relevant and helpful to other customers.
If you want to report violations of customer reviews in future, please click on the "Report abuse" link near the content. If no "Report abuse" link is available, please contact us via E-Mail.
We appreciate your understanding.

We'd appreciate your feedback. Please use the buttons below to vote about your experience today.

Best regards,
Noorjahan

Wait, so now you're saying that review shouldn't have been removed?  But Noorjahan didn't restore my access to anything, so then I have to send another email to ask them to unblock me.  WTF?!

The way it reads is like Noorjahan there thought I was reporting my own review and so sent the boilerplate to say that it wouldn't be taken down.  This demonstrates the problem of outsourcing your customer service for English speakers to people who probably don't speak English as a first language.  It seems pretty clear that Noorjahan there didn't actually read or understand the email and just sent whatever form letter he/she thought covered it.  Instead of solving the problem it just made things even less understandable.

***

In the late 2010s Amazon Vine was pretty great to get things like real Barbie dolls, Monster High toys, and occasionally Transformers or stuff like that.  Also things I could use like detergent pods, coffee, furniture, clothes, and even small appliances like microwaves and air conditioners.  But then with the pandemic everything went downhill.  The name brand stuff all but dried up.  The useful everyday stuff like detergent pods, coffee, band-aids, and so on also dried up.

By 2023 Amazon Vine was basically just a dumping ground for Temu/Wish-type bullshit like that MP3 player.  In 2022 I got an awesome Samsung smart TV and Dell computer but there was none of that in 2023.  I actually went through all the stuff I ordered that year and there were maybe a dozen things that could be considered a real brand and it was all just small stuff like a Funko Pop and Biggby Coffee mug.  No real Barbie dolls or Monster High toys for my nieces.  I mentioned once before they had Marvel and Power Rangers toys that were basically just slightly repackaged Five Below toys.

The electronics they had were all these no-name brands like "Sorny" or "Magnetbox" only probably even lamer than that.  Most of them you're lucky if they work for a few weeks or a month before they break down.  The "smart" phone I got runs worse than the first LG phone I got back in 2014.  I got two different digital cameras, one claiming to be "48MP" and another "52MP" and yet both were worse than my 5MP Kodak from 20 years ago.  I gave them to my nieces for Christmas because they were basically only good as toys.  One neat MP3 player looked like an old iPod, but after a week or so it wouldn't play about 2/3 of the files, saying they were "broken" or "corrupt."  I wiped it and reinstalled everything and still got the same problem, despite those files work on other MP3 players.  So maybe the files aren't broken, maybe you're broken, fake iPod.

So maybe I got a little frustrated with some idiot pestering me by email.  But closing MY account for telling the truth about THEIR harassment?  Seems like overkill.  You could, I don't know, just remove that review.  But since they admitted they shouldn't have even done that, the whole thing is pretty fucking stupid.

Like I said at the beginning, there is no due process to this stuff.  There's no real explanation.  As far as I can tell, someone, somewhere (probably India) just pushes a button and POOF! your account is gone.  Or your book is gone.  Good luck trying to get anyone then to explain what happened or why.  Because probably no one knows.  So they just hide behind the boilerplate emails and these nebulous terms like "content guidelines" and "terms of service."  And, hey, it's their site so they can do whatever they want, right?  If you don't like it, go somewhere else, right?  Like, um, Walmart?  That's so much better, right?  Ugh.

In this case if they had simply asked me for an explanation instead of instantly pressing the annihilation button, all of the problems could have been avoided.

There really needs to be some kind of transparent process in place with oversight, preferably with someone who speaks the native language of the user as a first language to avoid misunderstandings.  Instead they'll probably just farm it out to "AI" because that's even cheaper than Tristen or Noorjahan.

What was worse was to realize that not only did they close my Vine account, they completely wiped out ALL of my reviews.  I had book reviews from as far back as February 2001!  And they were gone, just like that!  23 years of stuff that in no way violated any "guidelines" and had nothing to do with Vine and they vaporized it just cuz.  And then after the fact (and only after I email them about six times) they say that review shouldn't have even been removed--let alone the thousands of other ones?!

I can't write any product reviews or anything right now, but I can still buy stuff.  I mean they can silence me and basically exile me from their "community" but they wouldn't want to stop me from being able to give them money.

In this year where fascists are on the ballot, it's a good illustration of why fascism is bad.  You might think they won't come for you, but if you give them the power then they can.  We've seen it before and we'll unfortunately probably see it again.  When you give people absolute power with almost no oversight, they will inevitably misuse that power and there's little to nothing you can probably do about it, not alone.  Like someone on Bluesky mentioned, Hitler didn't just seize power; he was elected Chancellor.  Vlad Putin was elected.  Palpatine was elected in Star Wars.  What happened then?  None of them would give up the power.  The best way to stop people (and companies) like that is to never give them the power in the first place.

Wednesday, January 3, 2024

Stuff I Watched Last Year

 Happy New Year (again?)!

Here's stuff I watched in November and December, which probably isn't a lot with watching holiday movies and all that.

The Last of Us:  That I binged this whole series in the previous two days is in part because Disney foolishly hoarded the college football games on only ESPN and also because it's really good.  Based on a video game I never played, it's about a present in which a fungus began turning humans into violent creatures 20 years ago--or 2003--and since then humanity has survived in various "Quarantine Zones" or scattered in small pockets to avoid "the Infected" and--often worse--human raiders.

Ellie is a girl in Boston who seems to be immune to the fungus.  Joel is a former soldier and father who's tasked with taking Ellie out west, where he also hopes to find his brother.  Along the way they have to avoid Infected, deal with various humans, and ultimately bond through tragedy.

A lot of people would probably compare this to The Walking Dead but I prefer to think of The Girl With All the Gifts in that it involved more of a fungal infection and featured a seemingly special girl who's accompanied by normal humans on a much shorter journey before having to make a decision that could affect the future of humanity.  Like the book of that at least I really enjoyed it.  In this case Ellie and Joel play off each other great with Ellie bringing back Joel's humanity and Joel guiding Ellie through some tough times.

Though really the two best episodes don't involve the main story that much.  The first details the relationship of Bill (Nick Offerman) and Frank.  Bill is a survivalist who builds up his own little fortress only to have Frank to show up one day--and basically never leave.  Of course in this world there has to be a tragic ending.  The other episode is about Ellie and her friend Riley sneaking into an old mall to have some fun--until everything goes south.  These are some great character moments.

Anyway, as far as video game adaptations go, this is the best I've seen.  It might help I never played the game, but it does seem pretty popular otherwise.  (4/5) (Fun Facts:  The Bill & Frank episode features a montage with "On the Nature of Daylight," a piece of music that I really like that's been in movies like Arrival and Shutter Island.  Episode 8 features Troy Baker as a henchman; he played Joel in the video game.  Episode 9 features Ashley Johnson as Ellie's mom; she played Ellie in the video game.)

Violent Night:  This came out in theaters for Christmas of 2022 and didn't arrive on streaming until March of 2023 so I hadn't bothered to watch it.  Then in December of 2023 it was on Amazon Prime, so I finally did watch it.  I was not really disappointed.  The high concept is:  what if John McClane of Die Hard had been Santa Claus?  Only instead of Nakatomi Plaza it's the mansion of a rich old woman (Beverly d'Angelo) who has a bunch of stolen cash in her safe.  Santa (David Harbour of Stranger Things, Black Widow, and the Hellboy reboot) is at the house to deliver gifts on Christmas Eve when he falls asleep in a massage chair.  He wakes to gunfire and when the reindeer take off, he's stuck there.

Mayhem ensues as he tries to rescue a little girl and her family--and ostensibly the old woman and the rest of her douchey relatives--from John Leguizamo and his holiday character-named henchpeople.  Besides Die Hard, you have bits from Home Alone and an origin more along the lines of The Northman.  It's mostly fun though a bit over-the-top with the violence and gore in parts.  Because of that it shifts in tone a few times from cynical comedy to heartwarming to violent splatterfest.  But I'd add it to my list of anti-Hallmark holiday movies like Bad Santa and The Ice Harvest. (3.5/5)

A Murder in Venice:  This was Disney/Fox's second ghost movie flop in about two months after the Haunted Mansion remake in July.  About six weeks after it came out, Disney put it on Hulu so I watched it.  There are more old horror movie clichés than in the previous two Branagh Poirot movies but since it's Poirot you know there's going to be a rational explanation behind everything.  The story is that in 1947 a retired Poirot is called to an old "haunted" house for a séance with a woman's dead daughter.  The medium (Oscar winner Michelle Yeoh) is killed and then Poirot is nearly killed and much later someone else dies.  Poirot does his usual thing of talking to everyone and then putting together the clues so despite the seeming ghosts and occasional jump scares it's really not paranormal.  If you liked the old-fashioned kind of mysteries like the last two movies then this is good, though maybe not great.  While Poirot is seemingly retired, the end leaves it open for more, though I doubt it with the performance of this one. (3/5) (Fun Facts:  this is based on Agatha Christie's Halloween Party if you want to read the book.  Michelle Yeoh is only in the movie for about 15 minutes.  In the Rifftrax Live of the Vincent Price movie House on Haunted Hill, comedian Paul F Tompkins does a bit about the cliché of a monster sneaking up behind someone in the bathroom mirror; this movie uses that old cliché about 13 years later.)

Meg 2:  The Trench:  The first of WB's underwater sequels that wasn't a hit, though unlike the other one it wasn't really a flop.  I couldn't find a review of the first movie but it was OK.  This was just dull.  It spends 2/3 of the movie before it gets to Jason Statham improbably killing giant sharks and squids and tiny dinosaurs.  I guess to save money on effects, most of it focuses on some evil humans who have stationed themselves in "The Trench" to mine vibranium or unobtainium or something like that.  I'm not sure it's ever really said.  By the time it got to the stuff anyone would actually want to see, I had lost interest. (1/5) (Question:  did the Chinese lady with a daughter die in the last movie or did they kill her off-screen because she wouldn't be in this one?)

The Winter King:  I mentioned in another entry how excited I was to be able to see this.  The first two episodes were on Amazon Prime but since the rest was on MGM+ I had to wait until a deal on Black Friday to get that.  I wasn't hugely impressed but I wasn't hugely disappointed either.  Like the novel I loved in the 90s, this is a more realistic story of Arthur in Britain of the 5th Century.  A landless bastard, Arthur becomes a warlord in Gaul (France) before returning to Britain to defend the "Edling King," young Mordred, Uther's son.  This is complicated by the continuing invasion of the Saxons from Scandinavia , rivalries with other kingdoms, and his love for Guinevere.

There is also Derfel, a former Saxon slave whom Arthur saved from a "death pit" when he was a boy.  Derfel grows up with Merlin and his protégé Nimue in Avalon and then joins Arthur's band.  But soon Derfel's loyalty is tested.

It's important to note this is historical fiction and not fantasy like Game of Thrones or Rings of Power.  There are no dragons, hobbits, magic rings, or stuff like that.  It's also not Excalibur or anything like that.  There's no Holy Grail or Round Table or all that, though there is Excalibur after a fashion.  I didn't really mind all that.  What is lacking are some great battle scenes.  There's basically only one and a couple of duels.  But as I recall, there weren't a lot of the epic "shield wall" battles until late in the first book or into the second book because a lot of this first book is Derfel growing up and becoming a warrior.  Still, I think the budget probably kept them from doing a lot of big fights--yet.  Maybe they can increase the budget for a second season.

Other than a couple of annoying casting decisions I'll talk about next month, there's not much negative to say about that.  Other than Eddie Marsan in the first two episodes there aren't really any big names either, but competent acting and decent effects--when they're needed, which isn't a lot since there aren't dragons and such.  There's a little sex and relationship drama, but not as much as Game of Thrones and other than one rape not as much debauchery either.  Like I said before it's more like Vikings or The Last Kingdom, which was written by the same author and is actually a couple of centuries after this.  While I might have hoped for more, it doesn't embarrass itself. (3/5)

Marlowe:  I believe Tony Laplume recommended this one and when I saw it on MGM+ I decided to watch it.  The movie is based on a book not by Raymond Chandler; it's by some Irish author who won a Booker Prize for something else and I'm not sure then why he decided to essentially write a fanfic.  The weird thing is that novel is set in 1959 while they set the movie in 1939; the former would have made more sense since that would be late in Philip Marlowe's career and Liam Neeson is pretty late in his career as well.  Anyway, a dame walks into Marlowe's office (what's new?) and asks him to find a guy Marlowe quickly finds out is supposed to be dead but she thinks he's alive.

From there it moves at a brisk pace with most of the things you'd expect in a Chandler story except stolen jewelry.  Marlowe sticks his nose into things and gets bonked on the head a couple of times and yet no one kills him so he's able to solve the mystery.  Overall it's a decent mystery and simulacrum of a Chandler story but not really a good neo-noir thriller.  For the almost 2-hour runtime it moves pretty fast though. (3/5) (Fun Facts:  The book this is based on is called The Black-Eyed Blonde and a poster for a movie of that can be seen in the background at one point.  The author of the book is Irish, star Liam Neeson is from North Ireland, it also features a chubby Colm Meaney, the Irish co-star of Star Trek TNG and DS9, and parts of the movie were shot in Ireland.  So maybe watch this on St. Patrick's Day.  Faith & begorah!)

Gen V:  I thought of doing a separate entry to this but then figured no one would care.  This spinoff from The Boys on Amazon is basically their version of Fox's final X-Men movie The New Mutants.  There's a special college for "supes" where they learn important things like marketing and branding and maybe some stuff to actually help with crimefighting.

The newest student is Marie Moreau who found out when she got her first period that she can control blood.  She accidentally killed her parents with it and wound up in an orphanage or juvenile detention center for supes.  When big man on campus Golden Boy (Patrick Schwarzenegger) seems to go nuts and kills a popular professor (Clancy Brown from Highlander and more recently one episode of Ahsoka), Marie becomes a celebrity for seeming to stop him, though it was actually Jordan, who has the power to alternate between male and female selves who both have powers (maybe different ones?), and Cate, who has the psychic power to "push" people to do her bidding when she touches them.

From there there's uncovering a whole conspiracy at the school to experiment on supes that involves many important people.  In some ways it's actually better than The Boys because it's less focused on murdering supes and more on the superhuman community itself.  Like Starlight in The Boys, Marie is the nice girl who's trying to be a hero but finds it increasingly difficult.

It starts a little slow but gets more interesting as the mystery about "The Woods" and Golden Boy's brother deepens.  What really holds this back--and The Boys as well--is this juvenile need for gratuitous blood, gore, and graphic sex.  I don't hate those things but a lot of it in this is just gratuitous.  Basically the writers seem to think, "We have a character with X power; what's the grossest shit we can do with that?"  So of course the shrinking character uses her power (which is triggered by puking/eating) to have sex with dudes, which was already done in the main show last season even more graphically.  And of course Marie blows a guy's dick up.  That's on top of many regular people being maimed, decapitated, or otherwise mashed into a pulp.  The more you do this the less shock value it has, which is why you should go sparingly.  But I suppose a lot of fans expect it by now.  The puppet or Muppet fight was pretty funny though.  The other thing was a potentially epic fight between Homelander and Marie was wasted when he essentially sucker heat-visions her.  Lame.

Anyway, the end leaves plenty of room for a Season 2 and a cookie scene with Billy Butcher promises a crossover with the parent show. (3.5/5) (Fun Facts:  The more Cate uses her power to "push," the more red her eyes get.  It reminded me of Syfy's Invisible Man show from 2000-2002 where the more he used the invisibility gland, the more red his eyes got.  Jason Ritter plays a hallucinatory version of himself as "TV's Jason Ritter" and he really looks like his more famous father.)

League of Superpets:  A complete 180 from Gen V, I also watched this on Amazon Prime though it is still probably on Max.  Anyway, it was the first released DC project to feature the Rock as the voice of Krypto the Superdog, who is Superman's dog.  Things have been great until Krypto finds out Superman is planning to marry Lois Lane.  At the same time, orange Kryptonite lands on Earth that gives a hairless guinea pig psychic powers she immediately uses for evil.  Ace the Bathound, Chip the Squirrel, PB the Pig, and Merton the Turtle also get superpowers.  When Krypto accidentally swallows green Kryptonite and loses his powers, he has to team with Ace, Chip, PB, and Merton to save the Justice League.  Pretty predictable but mostly fun with some references and Easter eggs and whatever.  I watched Strays on Peacock a few months ago and this is sort of the same thing only a PG version--with superpowers.  Not really as good as Lego Batman, Into the Spider-Verse, or The Incredibles but fun enough for all ages to waste 90 minutes or so.  (3/5) (Fun Facts:  One cookie scene teased a new bad guy team-up to set up a sequel that will probably not happen.  Another brought in Black Adam and his Egyptian dog, which was a nod to the Rock playing Black Adam in the failed live action movie.  Fun Speculation:  With James Gunn developing Tom King's Supergirl Woman of Tomorrow, we might see a "live action" Krypto.)

Around the time the movie came out, Amazon Vine had some of the toys so I got a set with most of the main characters (I lost the guinea pig and one of her henchmen that came with it) and a larger talking Krypto.  I also have a talking Black Adam, both with the Rock's voice.

Nobody:  I had wanted to see this one for a while but while it was made by Universal I'm not sure it went to Peacock.  I think it went to some other one I didn't have.  Then I was buying myself a birthday gift on Target and I could either buy something for about $6 for "free" shipping or pay $6 in shipping.  Since this was only about $7, I bought it.

Anyway, I was a little disappointed.  The trailers made it seem funnier than it actually was.  There are a couple of funny parts but it's drier than I would have thought.  The basic idea is if John Wick had retired and become a family guy.  Only it's Bob Odenkirk of Breaking Bad/Better Call Saul who used to be a guy with a particular set of skills but retired to live a dull suburban life.  Then two people break into his house and his daughter's "kitty cat bracelet" goes missing so he hunts them down.  From there his bloodlust is ignited and he takes out some Russian assholes, which puts him at war with the Russian mob.  Mayhem ensues that involves him buying his employer's company to use the headquarters like Kevin McCallister's house in Home Alone.  It's an OK movie but if I'd been able to stream it or if I'd rented it from Redbox I wouldn't have bought it. (3/5) (Fun Fact:  Besides Odenkirk the cast features Connie Nielsen of Gladiator, Christopher Lloyd, a chubby Michael Ironside, and Future War/Santa's Summer House star Daniel Bernhardt as a bus goon.)

Fool's Paradise:  I hadn't heard of this until it popped up on Hulu one day in November.  Charlie Day of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Horrible Bosses, and Pacific Rim directs and stars as a mental patient who just so happens to look like an actor making a movie.  So a producer (the late Ray Liotta) has the mental patient stand in for the guy and even though the mental patient doesn't speak and doesn't know how to act, he somehow finishes the movie and becomes a star.  Then it just keeps going with his rise, fall, and comeback all while he's completely baffled and doesn't say a word.  Along with him is a cut-rate publicist played by Ken Jeong.  There are also a lot of recognizable names like Adrien Brody, Kate Beckinsale, Jason Sudeikis, Jason Bateman, and John Malkovich who show up here and there.  Always Sunny co-star Glenn Howerton and most of the supporting players in that show also have cameos.  But in the end it's really a one-note joke played out for 90 minutes: everyone in Hollywood is a phony, self-absorbed boob.  This really could have just been an SNL skit or a half-hour TV episode tops.  Maybe in Always Sunny Charlie could have gotten bonked on the head or something and gotten lost in Hollywood before coming to his senses and returning to the bar.  As it is, the premise wears thin pretty quick and just starts to get tedious. (2/5)

Run & Gun (2022):  Basically the last night I had Paramount+ I looked around for any movies I hadn't seen yet that I might want to.  There wasn't anything really so I watched this cheap thriller starring nobody except veteran comedy actor Richard Kind as a gangster.  Basically some Australian guy is a former criminal going straight with a girlfriend who has a kid.  He uses his experience to help with claims at an insurance company because who understands a criminal better than a criminal?  Then he's abducted and forced to work for Kind to deliver some money...or something.  He ends up at an old factory in New Mexico where there's a big burly security guy who captures him to find out where the money is--and has a deal to traffic a young girl too--and a lot of mayhem ensues!  It was OK for a cheap movie starring almost no one.  Like a lot of those I watch on Hulu or Amazon only without some former A-lister like Bruce Willis, Nic Cage, or John Travolta.  Which in a way is maybe better when you don't have someone slumming for a paycheck. (2.5/5)  (Fun Fact:  There's a lot in this about "the Mandela Effect" and a nonexistent movie called "Shazaam" starring Sinbad.  Look it up on Snopes or some other site.  Apparently Richard Kind was buying tapes that were supposed to be of that--or something.)

Clean:  This 2018 movie I watched on Hulu stars Adrien Brody, who also co-wrote, produced, and did music for it--including a rap in the end credits.  Maybe this was intended to be some great comeback for him, but it never really rises above a cliché cheap action movie.  Brody is "Clean," a garbage man who still drives one of those old-school trucks with the compactor in the back.  He picks up trash at night and has some unusual hobbies like fixing up old appliances to sell to a pawn broker (rapper RZA who was also in Nobody) and fixing up crack houses.  Not to flip the houses but just so they don't look so bad.  He also provides meals and rides for a young black girl who reminds him of his daughter--or something.  Then he runs afoul of the local mob that operates out of a fish market.  To save the black girl from the mob he has to come out of retirement and use his particular set of skills.  I think you know where that's going.  It's slow in the beginning before it gets to the fairly cliché ending.  Not really great but not bad either. (2.5/5) (Fun Rant:  I'm not sure this kind of old-school garbageman still exists except maybe in poor neighborhoods that don't have dumpsters or those big plastic cans.  The garbageman for my apartment complex won't get out of the truck for really any reason.  Stupid people don't seem to realize this and so will throw stuff next to the dumpsters that just sits there until someone--not the garbageman--throws it in the dumpster.  One time we had a whole furniture store outside when people dumped like 3 couches and a love seat next to the dumpsters that had to eventually get cut up by the maintenance staff and thrown in the dumpsters, which then jammed those up for days.  Some genius recently thought they'd be cutesy and hang one of those metal signs people put on walls between two of the dumpsters.  Knowing that would only cause the garbageman not to take the dumpsters since he couldn't get the forks into the holes of the dumpsters, I snatched the metal sign up and tossed it in a dumpster.  Problem solved.  If you're not going to throw your shit out properly then take it to a Salvation Army-type place instead of tossing it next to a dumpster and hoping someone takes it eventually.)

The Naughty Nine:  The last couple of years I've done an Advent calendar of holiday movies.  Last year I came up with the idea of adding three "wild cards" to the other movies.  One of the wild cards was just to watch some random movie.  Someone's blog mentioned this one so I decided to watch it.

Like I said on Facebook it's basically a silly Y7-rated Ocean's Eleven.  A naughty boy (who looks like a young McLovin from Superbad) doesn't get the video console he wants so he and his friend recruit a team to rob Santa.  I guess in this world kids who are in fourth grade still think Santa is real.  Anyway, it uses most of the heist movie tropes only in a young kid friendly way.  There's only some mild violence, no sex, and no cursing so it's perfect for kids under 8 but probably too silly for kids older than that--or adults.  But still, I appreciate a decently-crafted heist even if no one has ever risked so much for so little.  I mean the grand total of what they want to steal is probably less than $2000.  They could have just held up a couple of convenience stores or something and just buy the stuff. (3/5) (Fun Fact:  the only recognizable star plays Santa.  Unfortunately it's too Y7-rated for him to say his most famous line, "I'm getting too old for this shit."  Maybe in the sequel they tease at the end.)

Return to Oz:  I watched part of Barry Mahon's late 60s Wonderful Land of Oz on Rifftrax and then remembered this 1985 sorta-sequel to The Wizard of Oz was on Disney+.  I hadn't watched it since probably not long after it came out, but I vaguely remembered it was kinda creepy.  And it is!  In some ways worse than Mahon's super-duper-cheap version of pretty much the same story.

Gone are the songs, bright colors, and Munchkins.  Instead it's Dorothy and a talking chicken trying to survive a post-apocalyptic Oz.  A lot of it feels like a faded copy of the original:  the chicken for Toto, Tik-Tock the robot man for the tin man, Jack the Pumpkinhead for the Scarecrow, and then they bring to life a "Gump" that's sort of a green deer or elk for the cowardly lion.  You have Mombi for the Wicked Witch, the punk rock-inspired "Wheelers" for the flying monkeys, and the Gnome King for the Wizard--if he really were a bad wizard.  The setting in a mental hospital and Mombi with her interchangeable heads is a little too creepy for young children.  And without the songs and bright colors and all that, it is sort of a dreary slog instead of a fun adventure.  Like I posted on Bluesky, I wonder how much blow Disney execs were snorting back then to think this was a good idea. (2/5)  (Fun Thought:  At some point I should read the books and then see whether this movie or Mahon's movie is more accurate.  I suspect the latter.)

Monday, January 1, 2024

Before & After Bonus: Gender Swapped By Aliens!

 I decided to start folding some of the "Ivana Johnson" books I'd written back in 2015-2018 or so into the Eric Filler brand.  As part of that I needed to make some new covers with the new author name.  Obviously then I took the opportunity to make them better.

The one for Gender Swapped By Aliens! I thought turned out pretty well.  It was a "happy accident" as Bob Ross would say.  I went to DepositPhotos and found the UFO picture for free.  Then while looking for a sexy woman I saw this one of a naked woman.  I didn't recolor the picture or anything, but I think it matches the orangey tones of the UFO and sky pretty well:

A lot better than the Ivana Johnson one that was just some random picture I had lying around:

Anyway, Happy New Year!  Not that there will probably be much to be happy about.

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