Even though I'm writing this a month ago I'm sure by now there'll have been another gun rampage. That just seems to be the sad reality of our world anymore. Which every time there's another rampage there are cries to do something. Unfortunately just about all the ideas people have are completely unrealistic. I'm just going to go into a few of them.
1. No Guns for Anyone! There are always people screaming about this, usually paranoid NRA members. The obvious problem is you can't take away all the guns because thanks to the NRA there are so many out there already. And of course like Prohibition with alcohol there would just be a rise in illegal gun sales.
2. Guns for Everyone! This is the NRA solution to the problem. Just let everyone have guns like the Wild West. Then we'll be "safe." At the start of the year, this is pretty much what Texas is doing with its "open carry" law. Anyone who gets a permit (and they're super easy to get) can walk around pretty much everywhere with a six-shooter on their hip. The thing is, unless that someone is wearing a police or military uniform, seeing them carrying a gun in plain sight makes me feel much less safe. Because you simply don't know if that person is good and responsible or some lunatic or otherwise nasty person. At the same time, when people get pissed off at each other, introducing guns into the situation just makes it more likely to end badly; you hear stories about that in Detroit all the time: there's a family gathering or class reunion or some other get-together and people whip out their guns and you end up with someone dead. There's a reason the Wild West is in the distant past.
3. Fascism Rules: This is one of my somewhat tongue-in-cheek proposals. Basically just spend the money to put tons of police on the street and cameras everywhere. Increase surveillance to make the NSA listening program seem like two kids with tin cans and string. Then we'll pretty a lot "safer." No one will have any freedom, but we'll be safe, right? And that's more important...maybe.
4. Bring Back the Draft: Another idea I came up with when someone was talking about how people with military training can help prevent mass shootings. Basically do like we used to do, or Israel does now, and make everyone do 2 years in the military. Then they get professional training in self-defense and learn how to use guns responsibly. Plus we'll have plenty of fresh meat when Donald Trump decides to invade China. The drawback for young people is obvious, plus since we don't bother taking care of vets when they get back, you'd have a lot more people with PTSD who might flip out on us.
But maybe somewhere between all these extremes we can figure something out. Some people say, "Well why bother? It won't work." And my response is always that you have to start somewhere. If you'd banned assault rifles five or six massacres ago, you might not have so many people murdered now. Basically what we do now is like me when my doctor says I should lose weight: Meh, it won't work, so why try? In a country with so many obese people I guess it's pretty obvious that we have no self-control whether it comes to snacking or firearms.
Friday, January 29, 2016
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Flint Proves the Danger of Running Government as a Business
By now you've probably heard about all the shit going on in Flint, a city about 60 miles north of me. Here's a Rolling Stone article about it that provides a decent timeline.
The root of all this is when Rick Snyder was swept into office back in 2010. With GM and Chrysler on collapse and the Michigan economy reeling all through the tenure of Democrat Jennifer Granholm, it's no surprise voters latched on to the idea of a businessman to come in and make things better. And things got better, though I'd say more thanks to Obama's administration steering GM and Chrysler back to solvency than anything Snyder did.
One of Snyder's great ideas was deploying "financial managers" to cities in dire straits like Detroit, Benton Harbor, and Flint. These financial managers are dictators in the classical sense as they come in and take control for a limited time before they're supposed to turn things back over to the duly elected officials. So in a very real sense it's overturning democracy in favor of tyranny.
This is where the trouble really began in Flint. It wasn't a mayor and city council elected by the people who decided to change drinking water to the Flint River, which any idiot could have told you had been used as a toilet by GM and other factories for decades. This was some petty bureaucrat who decided to save money by endangering the citizens of the city.
Think about it: you have someone who isn't necessarily from the city, isn't elected by the citizens, is only accountable to the governor, and who in a year or so will collect hundreds of thousands of dollars before leaving the mess to someone else. Is it any surprise that this system failed the people of Flint?
It hasn't done much good for Detroit either. The schools in Detroit have had a "financial manager" for more than a decade, before Snyder got into the mix. The schools are still terrible. The city itself might have emerged from bankruptcy by now but it's not like the city is doing much better.
The whole problem is that financial managers aren't focused on actually making things better for the citizens; they're focused on balancing the books. This means cutting services and cutting corners. It was only a matter of time before it led to a disaster. And now it's not only the people of Flint but all the taxpayers of America who are paying for the short-sightedness of a couple of bureaucrats.
This is what it means to run government like a business. It doesn't focus on making lives better for citizens any more than most companies focus on making things better for employees--or consumers. When all you care about is the bottom line, people get left in the cold.
The root of all this is when Rick Snyder was swept into office back in 2010. With GM and Chrysler on collapse and the Michigan economy reeling all through the tenure of Democrat Jennifer Granholm, it's no surprise voters latched on to the idea of a businessman to come in and make things better. And things got better, though I'd say more thanks to Obama's administration steering GM and Chrysler back to solvency than anything Snyder did.
One of Snyder's great ideas was deploying "financial managers" to cities in dire straits like Detroit, Benton Harbor, and Flint. These financial managers are dictators in the classical sense as they come in and take control for a limited time before they're supposed to turn things back over to the duly elected officials. So in a very real sense it's overturning democracy in favor of tyranny.
This is where the trouble really began in Flint. It wasn't a mayor and city council elected by the people who decided to change drinking water to the Flint River, which any idiot could have told you had been used as a toilet by GM and other factories for decades. This was some petty bureaucrat who decided to save money by endangering the citizens of the city.
Think about it: you have someone who isn't necessarily from the city, isn't elected by the citizens, is only accountable to the governor, and who in a year or so will collect hundreds of thousands of dollars before leaving the mess to someone else. Is it any surprise that this system failed the people of Flint?
It hasn't done much good for Detroit either. The schools in Detroit have had a "financial manager" for more than a decade, before Snyder got into the mix. The schools are still terrible. The city itself might have emerged from bankruptcy by now but it's not like the city is doing much better.
The whole problem is that financial managers aren't focused on actually making things better for the citizens; they're focused on balancing the books. This means cutting services and cutting corners. It was only a matter of time before it led to a disaster. And now it's not only the people of Flint but all the taxpayers of America who are paying for the short-sightedness of a couple of bureaucrats.
This is what it means to run government like a business. It doesn't focus on making lives better for citizens any more than most companies focus on making things better for employees--or consumers. When all you care about is the bottom line, people get left in the cold.
Monday, January 25, 2016
Great Art Takes Time...What Happens When You Don't Have Time?
Last month I watched "Electric Boogaloo" a documentary about Cannon Films. They produced a lot of dreck from the late 70s-1989 including "Breakin'," "Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo," "Superman IV," "Masters of the Universe," "Death Wish 2-?," and pretty much Every Chuck Norris movie. The driving force behind Cannon were two cousins from Israel: Golan and Globus. They had already made a lot of popular movies in Israel, including "Lemon Popsicle" which was basically a forerunner to "American Pie" or most any Judd Apatow movie.
Anyway, the Golan-Globus formula was pretty easy: violence and boobs! And basically they shot movies as quickly and cheaply as they could, averaging almost one movie a week. (They didn't write/direct all those movies, just executive produced and financed them.) They wouldn't make as much money as a big studio movie but they managed to drum up enough money to be successful...for a while. Like many businesses, the problem came when they started to overreach: buying an expensive new office building, paying Sylvester Stallone $13 million for the arm-wrestling movie "Over the Top," and buying the rights to Superman and Masters of the Universe, both of which they then had to cut the budget severely and thus the movies tanked, though granted those movies were already saddled with terrible scripts.
I couldn't help thinking my business model has been largely like the Cannon formula. OK, I have less violence, but mostly it's the same: pump out material as fast as possible, try to keep costs down, and hope to eke out a little profit on each book. I don't get rich, but money's money.
Of course sometimes it's tempting to want to do something more "literary" but there's not really time for that. I did build up enough of a surplus to write two more mainstream novels last year and Another Chance, which was a gender swap book but not quite the same formula. Maybe I'll get around to writing some other stuff if I get the chance, but for the meantime there's just not the time. It'd be easier to make time if that other stuff actually made some money. I'm just saying.
Anyway, the Golan-Globus formula was pretty easy: violence and boobs! And basically they shot movies as quickly and cheaply as they could, averaging almost one movie a week. (They didn't write/direct all those movies, just executive produced and financed them.) They wouldn't make as much money as a big studio movie but they managed to drum up enough money to be successful...for a while. Like many businesses, the problem came when they started to overreach: buying an expensive new office building, paying Sylvester Stallone $13 million for the arm-wrestling movie "Over the Top," and buying the rights to Superman and Masters of the Universe, both of which they then had to cut the budget severely and thus the movies tanked, though granted those movies were already saddled with terrible scripts.
I couldn't help thinking my business model has been largely like the Cannon formula. OK, I have less violence, but mostly it's the same: pump out material as fast as possible, try to keep costs down, and hope to eke out a little profit on each book. I don't get rich, but money's money.
Of course sometimes it's tempting to want to do something more "literary" but there's not really time for that. I did build up enough of a surplus to write two more mainstream novels last year and Another Chance, which was a gender swap book but not quite the same formula. Maybe I'll get around to writing some other stuff if I get the chance, but for the meantime there's just not the time. It'd be easier to make time if that other stuff actually made some money. I'm just saying.
Friday, January 22, 2016
How to Not Write Good, Vol 3: Land of Confusion
Last month I finally got around to watching MARVEL's AKA Jessica Jones and nearly stopped watching after that first episode. The problem is the pilot didn't make a lot of sense because it just plopped you in the middle of all this stuff and didn't see fit to give you much of an idea of who or what anything was.
Watching it, it was like, "OK, there's this lady working as a private investigator (for...reasons) who has super strength (or something) and she's freaked out about this guy (for...reasons) and she's watching this black guy (whoever he is) and then later she goes to see this lawyer who is a lesbian and is having an affair with another woman (none of which is relevant and yet strangely this largely irrelevant character is given the most explanation) and later goes to see a talk show host who is...what? A friend? Sister? Old lover? Who the fuck knows!?"
Now OK, I knew the black guy is Luke Cage and the bad guy freaking her out is "The Purple Man" but that's only from the promotional materials, not the actual script. You can't expect the viewer to read your promotional materials to know what stuff is, especially not for a third-tier comic book character who never really had her own title.
This the problem when shows (or movies or books) try to get clever. Not to go all Jay Greenstein but Dwight Swain says you should start at or very near the beginning and it's one of those points where we'd agree. Just plopping me into the middle of this whole world and not bothering to clarify any of the relationships makes for confusion and irritation.
Something in Lawrence Block's book was sometimes you don't have to start right at the beginning. An example being you start the first chapter where someone finds a dead body and then you go back to show who died and how. Still, you have to get to showing people who died and why fairly quick or the audience is going to lose patience.
That's just something to keep in mind in writing your book.
Watching it, it was like, "OK, there's this lady working as a private investigator (for...reasons) who has super strength (or something) and she's freaked out about this guy (for...reasons) and she's watching this black guy (whoever he is) and then later she goes to see this lawyer who is a lesbian and is having an affair with another woman (none of which is relevant and yet strangely this largely irrelevant character is given the most explanation) and later goes to see a talk show host who is...what? A friend? Sister? Old lover? Who the fuck knows!?"
Now OK, I knew the black guy is Luke Cage and the bad guy freaking her out is "The Purple Man" but that's only from the promotional materials, not the actual script. You can't expect the viewer to read your promotional materials to know what stuff is, especially not for a third-tier comic book character who never really had her own title.
This the problem when shows (or movies or books) try to get clever. Not to go all Jay Greenstein but Dwight Swain says you should start at or very near the beginning and it's one of those points where we'd agree. Just plopping me into the middle of this whole world and not bothering to clarify any of the relationships makes for confusion and irritation.
Something in Lawrence Block's book was sometimes you don't have to start right at the beginning. An example being you start the first chapter where someone finds a dead body and then you go back to show who died and how. Still, you have to get to showing people who died and why fairly quick or the audience is going to lose patience.
That's just something to keep in mind in writing your book.
Wednesday, January 20, 2016
How to Not Write Good, Vol 2: Timid Tammy
This is a compilation of a few different newbs on writers.net. A lot of times you'll get these people who are just starting out and start pestering the group with questions about every little thing. "What POV should I use?" "How many characters should I have?" "Should I write it in English?"
The best answer for people like that is to borrow Nike's slogan: Just Do It! Just write the fucking book and worry about the rest of it later. Don't ask the world's permission to write your novel. Go ahead and do it.
In a way the Internet is a bad thing when it comes to this. Because now would-be authors can procrastinate so easily. Not just with "research" but learning about the "the process" and all that. When really the best way to learn is to do it. Like most everything in life, first-hand knowledge, learning from your mistakes, is far better than studying a book or pestering random people.
I wrote what you could probably consider my first "novel" in seventh grade. I was only 12 or 13 and I'm sure the writing was terrible. The story was largely a rip-off of Red Dawn, only in my hometown. The main character was...me! (Because I'm a huge narcissist.) It was definitely fiction as I was in the National Guard and had a son. If I had a copy today (and I have no idea where one might be except perhaps an ancient floppy disk) it'd probably be pretty embarrassing.
Big whoop. I was just a dumb kid. And you know what? It was fun and I probably learned a few things along the way.
Lawrence Block pretty much echoes this in Writing the Novel. Very few authors hit it out of the park their first time around. Even all the successful debut novels aren't necessarily that author's first novel; he or she probably has one in "the drawer" somewhere.
Honestly, don't worry about fucking up your first time around. How many characters should you have? However many you want. Just go and have fun and then probably delete the file. As Gretzky said, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.
The best answer for people like that is to borrow Nike's slogan: Just Do It! Just write the fucking book and worry about the rest of it later. Don't ask the world's permission to write your novel. Go ahead and do it.
In a way the Internet is a bad thing when it comes to this. Because now would-be authors can procrastinate so easily. Not just with "research" but learning about the "the process" and all that. When really the best way to learn is to do it. Like most everything in life, first-hand knowledge, learning from your mistakes, is far better than studying a book or pestering random people.
I wrote what you could probably consider my first "novel" in seventh grade. I was only 12 or 13 and I'm sure the writing was terrible. The story was largely a rip-off of Red Dawn, only in my hometown. The main character was...me! (Because I'm a huge narcissist.) It was definitely fiction as I was in the National Guard and had a son. If I had a copy today (and I have no idea where one might be except perhaps an ancient floppy disk) it'd probably be pretty embarrassing.
Big whoop. I was just a dumb kid. And you know what? It was fun and I probably learned a few things along the way.
Lawrence Block pretty much echoes this in Writing the Novel. Very few authors hit it out of the park their first time around. Even all the successful debut novels aren't necessarily that author's first novel; he or she probably has one in "the drawer" somewhere.
Honestly, don't worry about fucking up your first time around. How many characters should you have? However many you want. Just go and have fun and then probably delete the file. As Gretzky said, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.
Monday, January 18, 2016
How to Not Write Good, Vol 1: The Lazy Hippie
[dramatic announcer voice]: Last week, I told you how to write good. This week, I tell you...[thundering drum] how to not write so good. [hold for applause]
And hey, if anyone's an expert on that it's me, right? Many agent and publisher interns would agree.
This first case comes from this guy at writers.net. He created a website and wanted people to post stories on it. Stories about? Whatever, man. How long? Whatever, man. Is there any unifying concept or anything? Whatever, man.
I decided to go take a look and noticed right off the bat his story was missing an apostrophe in the title. So I mention that and he starts in on all this hippie bullshit on how he can't, like, change the story, man. That'd, like, change its essence, you know? He didn't say it exactly like that but that was the vibe.
You've never watched The Simpsons, but in one episode Homer (the father) finds out his estranged mom was a hippie and decides to emulate her. This extends to not washing his feet so they're jet black. When he puts these near his daughter Lisa's potato, she tells him to move his feet and he says, "You can't, like, own a potato, man." That's the vibe this guy gave me.
I tried to explain to him that not even doing basic proofreading was just being lazy. Whatever, man. OK, really, I've said that I don't like rewriting. I don't do a lot of it, but I do at least go through my books to eliminate typos. Why? Because typos make me look bad as the author. More than that, it makes the whole self-publishing industry look bad.
Self-publishers have to deal with sneering traditional authors all the time. Those authors say self-published books are just poorly-written crap that are riddled with typos. So if I don't even spellcheck my book before I toss it out there, I'm proving those jerks right and I fucking hate that.
As well, one example I used trying to reason with Lazy Hippie is that not even proofreading is like when you go to a fast food restaurant and they give you cold fries and a chicken sandwich with dried-up meat that has been sitting there since they opened. And that is frankly quite disgusting. Not only because cold fries are nasty and it's ripping you off, but also because the employees couldn't be bothered to expend the bare minimum amount of effort on their jobs. As the author, you could argue that the bare minimum is writing the first draft. As the publisher, the bare minimum is to fucking spellcheck it. Seriously, there is no reputable publisher who wouldn't at least spellcheck a book they were putting out. Why? Because it makes them look bad to have a slew of typos. Even barely-literate people (ie, most people) get turned off if they start to see misspellings every sentence.
I'm not trying to be an anal prick here. I'm just asking Lazy Hippie to do the bare minimum amount of fucking work. That's all. And no, correcting a typo does not change the essence of the story or any fucking bullshit like that. You can make up all the bullshit "reasons" you want, but at the end of the day it's simply that you're too fucking lazy to spend a few minutes to check your work. It's disrespectful to the audience and it's disrespectful to yourself as the author. Have some goddamned pride!
I know, Whatever, man.
Needless to say I will not be reading his book of...whatever.
And hey, if anyone's an expert on that it's me, right? Many agent and publisher interns would agree.
This first case comes from this guy at writers.net. He created a website and wanted people to post stories on it. Stories about? Whatever, man. How long? Whatever, man. Is there any unifying concept or anything? Whatever, man.
I decided to go take a look and noticed right off the bat his story was missing an apostrophe in the title. So I mention that and he starts in on all this hippie bullshit on how he can't, like, change the story, man. That'd, like, change its essence, you know? He didn't say it exactly like that but that was the vibe.
You've never watched The Simpsons, but in one episode Homer (the father) finds out his estranged mom was a hippie and decides to emulate her. This extends to not washing his feet so they're jet black. When he puts these near his daughter Lisa's potato, she tells him to move his feet and he says, "You can't, like, own a potato, man." That's the vibe this guy gave me.
I tried to explain to him that not even doing basic proofreading was just being lazy. Whatever, man. OK, really, I've said that I don't like rewriting. I don't do a lot of it, but I do at least go through my books to eliminate typos. Why? Because typos make me look bad as the author. More than that, it makes the whole self-publishing industry look bad.
Self-publishers have to deal with sneering traditional authors all the time. Those authors say self-published books are just poorly-written crap that are riddled with typos. So if I don't even spellcheck my book before I toss it out there, I'm proving those jerks right and I fucking hate that.
As well, one example I used trying to reason with Lazy Hippie is that not even proofreading is like when you go to a fast food restaurant and they give you cold fries and a chicken sandwich with dried-up meat that has been sitting there since they opened. And that is frankly quite disgusting. Not only because cold fries are nasty and it's ripping you off, but also because the employees couldn't be bothered to expend the bare minimum amount of effort on their jobs. As the author, you could argue that the bare minimum is writing the first draft. As the publisher, the bare minimum is to fucking spellcheck it. Seriously, there is no reputable publisher who wouldn't at least spellcheck a book they were putting out. Why? Because it makes them look bad to have a slew of typos. Even barely-literate people (ie, most people) get turned off if they start to see misspellings every sentence.
I'm not trying to be an anal prick here. I'm just asking Lazy Hippie to do the bare minimum amount of fucking work. That's all. And no, correcting a typo does not change the essence of the story or any fucking bullshit like that. You can make up all the bullshit "reasons" you want, but at the end of the day it's simply that you're too fucking lazy to spend a few minutes to check your work. It's disrespectful to the audience and it's disrespectful to yourself as the author. Have some goddamned pride!
I know, Whatever, man.
Needless to say I will not be reading his book of...whatever.
Friday, January 15, 2016
How to Write Good, Vol 3: The King Way
It's Friday, which as every blogger knows is a total wank. So let the wanking commence!
I read Stephen King's On Writing more than 12 years ago. I remember when because I read a little bit of it at work when the Big Blackout of 2003 hit the eastern half of the country. That is about all I remember. That and the idea you should totally, definitely, most assuredly rid yourself of those nasty adverbs.
There you go. My book report. It would probably get me an F. Anyway, both people who read my blog have probably read it as well, so I probably don't need to explain it to you. Or maybe if you haven't read the book it'll be turned into a six-part mini-series on TV or movie starring Johnny Depp or something. I'm not even sure when I got rid of my copy of the book. Probably before one of my moves when I needed to lighten the load. That was when I got rid of most of my writing books.
Anyway, having read these three posts, now you can definitely write good. Hooray! Fame and fortune await!
I read Stephen King's On Writing more than 12 years ago. I remember when because I read a little bit of it at work when the Big Blackout of 2003 hit the eastern half of the country. That is about all I remember. That and the idea you should totally, definitely, most assuredly rid yourself of those nasty adverbs.
There you go. My book report. It would probably get me an F. Anyway, both people who read my blog have probably read it as well, so I probably don't need to explain it to you. Or maybe if you haven't read the book it'll be turned into a six-part mini-series on TV or movie starring Johnny Depp or something. I'm not even sure when I got rid of my copy of the book. Probably before one of my moves when I needed to lighten the load. That was when I got rid of most of my writing books.
Anyway, having read these three posts, now you can definitely write good. Hooray! Fame and fortune await!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
How to Write Good, Vol 2: The Block Way
In the last five years Lawrence Block has become one of my favorite authors. Even if you haven't heard of his books or remember the post I wrote on him, you might remember there was a Liam Neeson movie called A Walk Among the Tombstones or maybe on Netflix or something you can find 8 Million Ways to Die starring Jeff Bridges in the late 80s. There have been one or two other movies based on Block's work.
What's interesting is that Block and Dwight Swain largely came up from the same place writing-wise. They both sold a lot of work to "the pulps" and "the paperbacks" in the 50s and 60s. Though I gather Swain stopped doing that to teach while Block to my knowledge is still writing and publishing books.
While I was plodding through Swain's book I saw Block's Writing the Novel was only $1.30 on Kindle for Cyber Monday or whatever. That was a lot cheaper, so what the heck, it seemed like a good way to kill a couple of hours. (Good thing I bought it as the version I linked to above is the "revised and expanded version" that is $9.99 while the one I have on my Kindle is no longer for sale. Those dastards!)
Being a narcissist (and saying that confirms I am a narcissist) I liked that a lot of what Block says dovetails with my own experiences. Even things I've said to people like Jay Greenstein or just in general in my blog.
First thing being: There is no magic formula. Writers have gotten to the same place by an almost infinite number of means, so there is no one perfect way to write that can instantly make you a bestselling author. I mean if there were, there wouldn't be so many writers working second jobs, right?
So really unlike Swain, Block doesn't give you a "system" to use. He more or less provides some down-to-earth tips on how to write a book based on what was at the time over 20 years of experience. (At this point it's more like 60.)
This was written in 1978 so like Swain's book there's the caveat that a lot of the market information is way out of date. By this time the pulps were already gone and even Block admitted that most magazines would no longer take short stories, nor pay enough for it to matter much. And yeah that was like 38 years ago! (Pretty much my whole life.)
Unfortunately someone like me can't do it the same way Block did. He started out writing a "sex novel" (a lesbian erotica book) for a paperback publisher and eventually wrote a variety of suspense and mystery books (some with pseudonyms and others not). By the late 70s he had the first three novels for two series that are still ongoing, one featuring unlicensed private eye Matthew Scudder (featured in those movies I mentioned) and the other featuring gentleman burglar Bernie Rhodenbarr. Both series by now have over 10 books. Anyway, these six books are ones he refers back to frequently as examples. Which really it was nice in that he could point to specific examples that I had actually read, unlike Swain who referenced moldy old books that have long been out of print.
OK, so the first point is there's no magic formula. That includes outlining. So often (mostly for lack of better things to do) writers argue about whether you should write with a detailed outline or "pants it" by writing whatever you feel like. As I eventually came to accept, Block says again that you should go with what works for you. Because again there are examples of authors who ruthlessly outline every little bit and others who never outlined a single damned thing and all those authors got their books published. So just find how you work best and go at it.
That also includes your writing process. Every author has their own little quirks and habits. Block mentions a guy who would go to some random European city, set up shop for a few weeks to type like a madman, and then go home when he had finished the book. Would we could all do that, right? Block's own habit (at this point) was after breakfast he would sit down and bang out 5 pages on the typewriter. Even if he didn't really feel like it, he did it anyway. Then at the end of the day he'd go back and read over what he wrote.
There's one area where we are not simpatico. I almost never write before 10am. A lot of the time when I write in the morning it's really slow because I am not a morning person. It's not usually until 3-4 in the afternoon when I might start getting hot, probably because I can feel dinner approaching and want to actually accomplish something.
Something reassuring was when he talks about characters. Basically the idea is that every character we write is pretty much as if we were playing that character. It's like how every Tom Cruise character is just Tom Cruise as a fighter pilot, Tom Cruise as a secret agent, Tom Cruise as a bartender, Tom Cruise as a Nazi, Tom Cruise as a vampire, etc. Even though I've never been transformed into a little girl, schoolgirl, whore, geek girl, dominatrix, Goth girl, fat girl, MILF, bimbo, cougar, bride, pregnant girl, maid, Asian girl, toddler, baby, or twins, the characters are pretty much saying and doing what I would say and do in that scenario. And I didn't get my face badly burned and my mother didn't die when I was three and my dad didn't abandon me and I didn't meet twins who basically ran my life, but if I had all that shit go down then I'd do and say the things Frost Devereaux does in Where You Belong.
I did feel reassured because to go all IWSG on you, sometimes I worry that maybe I don't create characters who are unique or "real" or whatever. But when someone who has published as many books as Block has says it's OK that your characters are not completely different from you then I can tamp back the anxiety a bit.
A dated part of the book is about research. Obviously in 1978 it was a lot harder to do research than in 2016. You didn't have Google and Wikipedia. Actually in a couple of Block's older books it's funny for that same reason. In one they were trying to find out who was in a particular movie and had to call a bunch of people, finally ending with the Screen Actors Guild. Nowadays it would take about thirty seconds on IMDB to find that out.
Be that as it may, the answer to research is not to overdo it. Which again is a good point. You only need to research enough to make people think you know what the fuck you're talking about. For instance, when I wrote Another Chance, I had to do some quick research on military weapons and uniforms and stuff like that. It was good I did because I found out in 2010 the army changed their formal uniforms from green to blue (or white). I could have gone several steps farther and enrolled in boot camp and all that Method Actor bullshit. I could have gone around asking military people a bunch of questions. But really, who the fuck cares? The basic division is when does research stop making the book better and just waste time so you don't have to write?
At the same time, do SOME research at least. Don't assume no one will notice or someone at your eventual publisher will fix it. The best example is Jeffrey Eugenides's Pulitzer-winning Middlesex where he has B-52 jet-propelled bombers being made in Detroit during WWII (before the US even had jet engines) and Al Kaline playing first base, though admittedly he played a few games there at the end of his career but it wasn't the position for which he was known. Messing up obvious stuff like that just makes you look like a jackass, especially when Eugenides could have double-checked both on Wikipedia in like 2 minutes. Rant over.
Block actually recommends something Swain sneered at, which is learning by reading other books. That is a tip that is frequently bandied around writing groups and such. Block suggests that you learn to read as a writer. He even goes so far as to practice by outlining books you're reading chapter-by-chapter.
I don't go that far but when I wanted to write a John Irving-esque book, you know what I did? I read all of his freaking books and mentally listed common elements, at least for the books I actually liked. I probably did a post somewhere about it at some point. And you know who Irving studied? Dickens. And who did Dickens study? I have no fucking idea. When I wanted to write a mystery-like book (Chance of a Lifetime) you know what I did? I got a big fucking book of Raymond Chandler short stories. And eventually that's how I came into reading Lawrence Block. All the Chandler reading came in handy again when I wanted to write a private eye story (Private Dick, Gender Swap Detective), though actually the end of that book was more based on Block's Bernie Rhodenbarr books, which were based on Nero Wolfe books. So you see that despite what Dwight Swain thought, authors study each other all the freaking time. It's just a good idea that if you want to write a certain type of book to read what other people are doing. I mean before I started my whole gender swap franchise under my other name I read three or four books by other authors, though there were a lot fewer authors in those heady days of 2014. The first book I wrote, Transformed Into a Little Girl, was largely patterned after a couple of the books I had read. Not plagiarized because I am not Shia LeBeouf, but patterned more in terms of structure and what elements to include.
Rewriting is another area where Block and I were simpatico in that we don't like it. Pantsers especially usually end up writing the book a couple of times, which is something that would bore the shit out of me. OK, admittedly Where You Belong was better the second time around, but that doesn't mean I want to go through rewriting every goddamned book. Even a speedy typist like me has limits. As I mentioned, Block does do proofreading at the end of a day but he doesn't do a lot of rewriting unless it's absolutely necessary. We're both lazy that way. But like a lot of things he allows that you may feel differently so rewrite as much as you feel you need to, though I'd say not to the point you drive yourself crazy fiddling with it.
That's pretty much all the relevant stuff. So I guess I saved you a whopping $1.30--or $9.99 now, right? It's a lot easier to read than Swain's and shorter too, so if you get the chance, buy a copy. Or I think you can borrow it free if you have an Amazon Prime account.
Up Next: Stephen King's On Writing
What's interesting is that Block and Dwight Swain largely came up from the same place writing-wise. They both sold a lot of work to "the pulps" and "the paperbacks" in the 50s and 60s. Though I gather Swain stopped doing that to teach while Block to my knowledge is still writing and publishing books.
While I was plodding through Swain's book I saw Block's Writing the Novel was only $1.30 on Kindle for Cyber Monday or whatever. That was a lot cheaper, so what the heck, it seemed like a good way to kill a couple of hours. (Good thing I bought it as the version I linked to above is the "revised and expanded version" that is $9.99 while the one I have on my Kindle is no longer for sale. Those dastards!)
Being a narcissist (and saying that confirms I am a narcissist) I liked that a lot of what Block says dovetails with my own experiences. Even things I've said to people like Jay Greenstein or just in general in my blog.
First thing being: There is no magic formula. Writers have gotten to the same place by an almost infinite number of means, so there is no one perfect way to write that can instantly make you a bestselling author. I mean if there were, there wouldn't be so many writers working second jobs, right?
So really unlike Swain, Block doesn't give you a "system" to use. He more or less provides some down-to-earth tips on how to write a book based on what was at the time over 20 years of experience. (At this point it's more like 60.)
This was written in 1978 so like Swain's book there's the caveat that a lot of the market information is way out of date. By this time the pulps were already gone and even Block admitted that most magazines would no longer take short stories, nor pay enough for it to matter much. And yeah that was like 38 years ago! (Pretty much my whole life.)
Unfortunately someone like me can't do it the same way Block did. He started out writing a "sex novel" (a lesbian erotica book) for a paperback publisher and eventually wrote a variety of suspense and mystery books (some with pseudonyms and others not). By the late 70s he had the first three novels for two series that are still ongoing, one featuring unlicensed private eye Matthew Scudder (featured in those movies I mentioned) and the other featuring gentleman burglar Bernie Rhodenbarr. Both series by now have over 10 books. Anyway, these six books are ones he refers back to frequently as examples. Which really it was nice in that he could point to specific examples that I had actually read, unlike Swain who referenced moldy old books that have long been out of print.
OK, so the first point is there's no magic formula. That includes outlining. So often (mostly for lack of better things to do) writers argue about whether you should write with a detailed outline or "pants it" by writing whatever you feel like. As I eventually came to accept, Block says again that you should go with what works for you. Because again there are examples of authors who ruthlessly outline every little bit and others who never outlined a single damned thing and all those authors got their books published. So just find how you work best and go at it.
That also includes your writing process. Every author has their own little quirks and habits. Block mentions a guy who would go to some random European city, set up shop for a few weeks to type like a madman, and then go home when he had finished the book. Would we could all do that, right? Block's own habit (at this point) was after breakfast he would sit down and bang out 5 pages on the typewriter. Even if he didn't really feel like it, he did it anyway. Then at the end of the day he'd go back and read over what he wrote.
There's one area where we are not simpatico. I almost never write before 10am. A lot of the time when I write in the morning it's really slow because I am not a morning person. It's not usually until 3-4 in the afternoon when I might start getting hot, probably because I can feel dinner approaching and want to actually accomplish something.
Something reassuring was when he talks about characters. Basically the idea is that every character we write is pretty much as if we were playing that character. It's like how every Tom Cruise character is just Tom Cruise as a fighter pilot, Tom Cruise as a secret agent, Tom Cruise as a bartender, Tom Cruise as a Nazi, Tom Cruise as a vampire, etc. Even though I've never been transformed into a little girl, schoolgirl, whore, geek girl, dominatrix, Goth girl, fat girl, MILF, bimbo, cougar, bride, pregnant girl, maid, Asian girl, toddler, baby, or twins, the characters are pretty much saying and doing what I would say and do in that scenario. And I didn't get my face badly burned and my mother didn't die when I was three and my dad didn't abandon me and I didn't meet twins who basically ran my life, but if I had all that shit go down then I'd do and say the things Frost Devereaux does in Where You Belong.
I did feel reassured because to go all IWSG on you, sometimes I worry that maybe I don't create characters who are unique or "real" or whatever. But when someone who has published as many books as Block has says it's OK that your characters are not completely different from you then I can tamp back the anxiety a bit.
A dated part of the book is about research. Obviously in 1978 it was a lot harder to do research than in 2016. You didn't have Google and Wikipedia. Actually in a couple of Block's older books it's funny for that same reason. In one they were trying to find out who was in a particular movie and had to call a bunch of people, finally ending with the Screen Actors Guild. Nowadays it would take about thirty seconds on IMDB to find that out.
Be that as it may, the answer to research is not to overdo it. Which again is a good point. You only need to research enough to make people think you know what the fuck you're talking about. For instance, when I wrote Another Chance, I had to do some quick research on military weapons and uniforms and stuff like that. It was good I did because I found out in 2010 the army changed their formal uniforms from green to blue (or white). I could have gone several steps farther and enrolled in boot camp and all that Method Actor bullshit. I could have gone around asking military people a bunch of questions. But really, who the fuck cares? The basic division is when does research stop making the book better and just waste time so you don't have to write?
At the same time, do SOME research at least. Don't assume no one will notice or someone at your eventual publisher will fix it. The best example is Jeffrey Eugenides's Pulitzer-winning Middlesex where he has B-52 jet-propelled bombers being made in Detroit during WWII (before the US even had jet engines) and Al Kaline playing first base, though admittedly he played a few games there at the end of his career but it wasn't the position for which he was known. Messing up obvious stuff like that just makes you look like a jackass, especially when Eugenides could have double-checked both on Wikipedia in like 2 minutes. Rant over.
Block actually recommends something Swain sneered at, which is learning by reading other books. That is a tip that is frequently bandied around writing groups and such. Block suggests that you learn to read as a writer. He even goes so far as to practice by outlining books you're reading chapter-by-chapter.
I don't go that far but when I wanted to write a John Irving-esque book, you know what I did? I read all of his freaking books and mentally listed common elements, at least for the books I actually liked. I probably did a post somewhere about it at some point. And you know who Irving studied? Dickens. And who did Dickens study? I have no fucking idea. When I wanted to write a mystery-like book (Chance of a Lifetime) you know what I did? I got a big fucking book of Raymond Chandler short stories. And eventually that's how I came into reading Lawrence Block. All the Chandler reading came in handy again when I wanted to write a private eye story (Private Dick, Gender Swap Detective), though actually the end of that book was more based on Block's Bernie Rhodenbarr books, which were based on Nero Wolfe books. So you see that despite what Dwight Swain thought, authors study each other all the freaking time. It's just a good idea that if you want to write a certain type of book to read what other people are doing. I mean before I started my whole gender swap franchise under my other name I read three or four books by other authors, though there were a lot fewer authors in those heady days of 2014. The first book I wrote, Transformed Into a Little Girl, was largely patterned after a couple of the books I had read. Not plagiarized because I am not Shia LeBeouf, but patterned more in terms of structure and what elements to include.
Rewriting is another area where Block and I were simpatico in that we don't like it. Pantsers especially usually end up writing the book a couple of times, which is something that would bore the shit out of me. OK, admittedly Where You Belong was better the second time around, but that doesn't mean I want to go through rewriting every goddamned book. Even a speedy typist like me has limits. As I mentioned, Block does do proofreading at the end of a day but he doesn't do a lot of rewriting unless it's absolutely necessary. We're both lazy that way. But like a lot of things he allows that you may feel differently so rewrite as much as you feel you need to, though I'd say not to the point you drive yourself crazy fiddling with it.
That's pretty much all the relevant stuff. So I guess I saved you a whopping $1.30--or $9.99 now, right? It's a lot easier to read than Swain's and shorter too, so if you get the chance, buy a copy. Or I think you can borrow it free if you have an Amazon Prime account.
Up Next: Stephen King's On Writing
Monday, January 11, 2016
How to Write Good, Vol 1: The Swain Way
My writers.net nemesis Jay Greenstein was forever bitching that "I hate education" (despite that I frequently reminded him I graduated magna cum laude from college) and don't read books on writing. His go-to guy is Dwight Swain and Techniques of the Selling Writer.
Since he refers to it as like the fucking Bible, I wanted to give it a look. It took a little while because the thing is like $17 in Kindle format on Amazon! Even used copies on Amazon, Abebooks, Half.com, etc were going for around that--if not more. And this is a book published first in 1965 and then later in 1981, so you'd think someone would have a copy for cheap. The couple of used bookstores I visited didn't have it either. Eventually the price went down to about $10 with shipping on one of the sites so I got a copy. A 1981 copy, not the one you'd find on Amazon. Not that it matters since Swain died in like 1992 so it's not like he has much new to add to it.
Anyway, the first caveat is that this book was first written in fucking 1965. And most of Swain's success was years before that. The writing world was a very different place back then. The pulps and "paperbacks" he mentions no longer exist. Yes we have paperbacks but back in the day "real" books were printed first in hardcover while cheap dime store paperbacks were for crap like Harlequin romances or most sci-fi books. The magazines he mentions either no longer exist or really don't take short fiction unless you're Stephen King or Jonathan Franzen--someone people have heard of. So as far as the "selling" part goes, well, you can't really do it the same way Swain did unless you invented a time machine and if you invented a time machine you wouldn't waste it on going back to the 50s to publish in pulp magazines, right? I mean you'd do something like make sure your parents hook up or save the leader of the future Resistance or just steal a whole bunch of shit.
Which isn't to say the book is useless. I mean let's face it, good writing is...good. So some of the stuff he talks about might be able to help make your books better, not that you'll probably be able to sell them anyway--or if you sell it to a publisher you probably still won't actually sell many copies. (I'm not bitter. Hahaha.)
Swain is basically like one of those guys on late night TV, promising that "his system" can make you lose that 20 lbs (or my case 200 lbs) you need to lose. He doesn't write it like a hawkster but it's pretty much the same concept that with "my system" you'll have success! To which I say Fi. Fi on you! Still, maybe some of it will help you.
First thing I took away: readers are dumb. They can only follow one thing at a time. So don't say, "Bob went to the store and bought milk and cookies and a magazine and hit on that hot blonde in the produce aisle." First that's pretty cumbersome. Second, readers are dumb. Dumb reader no can follow more than one thing. Dumb reader get angry and Smash book! In the most basic way you'd say: Bob went to the store. He bought milk. He bought cookies. He bought a magazine. He hit on that hot blonde in the produce aisle.
I suppose I do have a bad habit of maybe doing too many contrasting things. Like "He went to the store and then bought milk." Or "Before he bought milk, he went to the store." How's the reader supposed to keep track of that? Me dumb reader. Me no understand! Smash!!!
Anyway, another concept is that there are three parts to any reaction.
Like:
You must do it this way. Always. OK, not always. Maybe you don't express yourself verbally.
Another commandment: your book must be structured as scene-sequel-scene-sequel. What's a sequel? No it's not referring to the continuation of a series. Basically the idea is there's a scene where stuff happens and then a cool-down scene where stuff doesn't really happen. Then another scene where stuff happens. And so on until you have a novel.
I'll borrow one of his ridiculously dated examples: Scene: Ricky is at the malt shop with his sweetheart and jealous ex-boyfriend shows up to kick Ricky's ass. Sequel: Ricky goes home and plots his vengeance. Then later they probably get into a choreographed knife fight or drag race or some 50s bullshit like that.
Obviously I'm being more than a little facetious about a lot of this. While it's an OK book, especially if you haven't written 200 fucking books like someone around here, it was a real chore to read. Swain at this point was teaching at Oklahoma and he seemed like the sort who would put his students to sleep. He's not the Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society kind of teacher, more like F Murray Abraham in Finding Forrester. It comes through in how dry the book is. Even when he tries a joke it's just not funny. At one point he throws in a "Two Wongs Don't Make a White" joke that probably killed in the 50s but now is just racist. (Also the joke really had nothing to do with what he was talking about so it just stuck out like a sore thumb.) I suppose if you're 76 like Jay Greenstein then it's probably easier to tolerate but me being only half that it was really lame. It's ironic because he talks about invoking emotion in readers--because that's why you read books, to feel! Not to, you know, simply be entertained for a few hours--yet the only emotion I felt most of the time was boredom.
There was one thing I found interesting, which is a formula he uses for summarizing a story. It might be helpful when you set out, but really I think it would be helpful when you're doing a query letter.
The formula is like this: Situation + Character + Objective + Opponent + Obstacle
Here's his corny example:
(He actually refers to Obstacle as Disaster but that just sounds stupid to me.)
For the hell of it let's try it on a story we mostly know: The Wizard of Oz:
When she's stranded in the magical land of Oz (situation), Dorothy (Character) has to find the mysterious Wizard to return home. (Objective) But can she defeat the Wicked Witch of the West trying to stop her from reaching the Wizard? (Obstacle)
Now when you phrase it like that you basically have your first paragraph for a query letter.
Let's try it with a book you haven't read, ie one of mine.
When he's turned into a young woman, Stacey Chance has to find a cure to change herself back. But can she get the notes for the cure from the evil gangster who stole them?
That's Chance of a Lifetime of course.
Let me try it with a new story you definitely haven't read, though you could read the rough draft here.
When his settlement is overrun by zombies, Hunter Hawking has to track down who unleashed the zombies and stop them from doing it again. But can one ace pilot hope to defeat an army of zealots and their horde of undead minions?
That would be for Sky Ghost: Army of the Damned. I've been working up the gumption to write a query letter and honestly summarizing it like that does seem to help. So often when I want to write a query there's just so much stuff that I want to cram in that it's hard to focus on basics.
Anyway, if you want to pay $20 and muddle through all 300 or so pages of it, maybe Swain's book will become your Bible. Then you can go bludgeon people over the head with it in writer's groups and take it way, way too seriously.
I think, though, part of the problem is if you do adopt it you'd end up writing really mechanically for a while and would then have to unlearn a lot of it to get back to a more natural feel. So try not to take it as seriously as Jay Greenstein.
Up Next: Writing the Novel by Lawrence Block
Since he refers to it as like the fucking Bible, I wanted to give it a look. It took a little while because the thing is like $17 in Kindle format on Amazon! Even used copies on Amazon, Abebooks, Half.com, etc were going for around that--if not more. And this is a book published first in 1965 and then later in 1981, so you'd think someone would have a copy for cheap. The couple of used bookstores I visited didn't have it either. Eventually the price went down to about $10 with shipping on one of the sites so I got a copy. A 1981 copy, not the one you'd find on Amazon. Not that it matters since Swain died in like 1992 so it's not like he has much new to add to it.
Anyway, the first caveat is that this book was first written in fucking 1965. And most of Swain's success was years before that. The writing world was a very different place back then. The pulps and "paperbacks" he mentions no longer exist. Yes we have paperbacks but back in the day "real" books were printed first in hardcover while cheap dime store paperbacks were for crap like Harlequin romances or most sci-fi books. The magazines he mentions either no longer exist or really don't take short fiction unless you're Stephen King or Jonathan Franzen--someone people have heard of. So as far as the "selling" part goes, well, you can't really do it the same way Swain did unless you invented a time machine and if you invented a time machine you wouldn't waste it on going back to the 50s to publish in pulp magazines, right? I mean you'd do something like make sure your parents hook up or save the leader of the future Resistance or just steal a whole bunch of shit.
Which isn't to say the book is useless. I mean let's face it, good writing is...good. So some of the stuff he talks about might be able to help make your books better, not that you'll probably be able to sell them anyway--or if you sell it to a publisher you probably still won't actually sell many copies. (I'm not bitter. Hahaha.)
Swain is basically like one of those guys on late night TV, promising that "his system" can make you lose that 20 lbs (or my case 200 lbs) you need to lose. He doesn't write it like a hawkster but it's pretty much the same concept that with "my system" you'll have success! To which I say Fi. Fi on you! Still, maybe some of it will help you.
First thing I took away: readers are dumb. They can only follow one thing at a time. So don't say, "Bob went to the store and bought milk and cookies and a magazine and hit on that hot blonde in the produce aisle." First that's pretty cumbersome. Second, readers are dumb. Dumb reader no can follow more than one thing. Dumb reader get angry and Smash book! In the most basic way you'd say: Bob went to the store. He bought milk. He bought cookies. He bought a magazine. He hit on that hot blonde in the produce aisle.
I suppose I do have a bad habit of maybe doing too many contrasting things. Like "He went to the store and then bought milk." Or "Before he bought milk, he went to the store." How's the reader supposed to keep track of that? Me dumb reader. Me no understand! Smash!!!
Anyway, another concept is that there are three parts to any reaction.
- Something happens.
- You feel it.
- You express yourself verbally.
Like:
- He pounded the nail through his thumb.
- His thumb throbbed with pain.
- "God-fucking-damn-it!!!" he roared.
You must do it this way. Always. OK, not always. Maybe you don't express yourself verbally.
Another commandment: your book must be structured as scene-sequel-scene-sequel. What's a sequel? No it's not referring to the continuation of a series. Basically the idea is there's a scene where stuff happens and then a cool-down scene where stuff doesn't really happen. Then another scene where stuff happens. And so on until you have a novel.
I'll borrow one of his ridiculously dated examples: Scene: Ricky is at the malt shop with his sweetheart and jealous ex-boyfriend shows up to kick Ricky's ass. Sequel: Ricky goes home and plots his vengeance. Then later they probably get into a choreographed knife fight or drag race or some 50s bullshit like that.
Obviously I'm being more than a little facetious about a lot of this. While it's an OK book, especially if you haven't written 200 fucking books like someone around here, it was a real chore to read. Swain at this point was teaching at Oklahoma and he seemed like the sort who would put his students to sleep. He's not the Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society kind of teacher, more like F Murray Abraham in Finding Forrester. It comes through in how dry the book is. Even when he tries a joke it's just not funny. At one point he throws in a "Two Wongs Don't Make a White" joke that probably killed in the 50s but now is just racist. (Also the joke really had nothing to do with what he was talking about so it just stuck out like a sore thumb.) I suppose if you're 76 like Jay Greenstein then it's probably easier to tolerate but me being only half that it was really lame. It's ironic because he talks about invoking emotion in readers--because that's why you read books, to feel! Not to, you know, simply be entertained for a few hours--yet the only emotion I felt most of the time was boredom.
There was one thing I found interesting, which is a formula he uses for summarizing a story. It might be helpful when you set out, but really I think it would be helpful when you're doing a query letter.
The formula is like this: Situation + Character + Objective + Opponent + Obstacle
Here's his corny example:
- Situation: When humans suddenly begin to grow to 12 foot height
- Character: John Storm (not the Human Torch)
- Objective: tries to find out why.
- Obstacle: But can he defeat the traitors in high places who want to kill him in order to make the change appear to be the result of an extraterrestrial plot? (Um, yes?)
(He actually refers to Obstacle as Disaster but that just sounds stupid to me.)
For the hell of it let's try it on a story we mostly know: The Wizard of Oz:
When she's stranded in the magical land of Oz (situation), Dorothy (Character) has to find the mysterious Wizard to return home. (Objective) But can she defeat the Wicked Witch of the West trying to stop her from reaching the Wizard? (Obstacle)
Now when you phrase it like that you basically have your first paragraph for a query letter.
Let's try it with a book you haven't read, ie one of mine.
When he's turned into a young woman, Stacey Chance has to find a cure to change herself back. But can she get the notes for the cure from the evil gangster who stole them?
That's Chance of a Lifetime of course.
Let me try it with a new story you definitely haven't read, though you could read the rough draft here.
When his settlement is overrun by zombies, Hunter Hawking has to track down who unleashed the zombies and stop them from doing it again. But can one ace pilot hope to defeat an army of zealots and their horde of undead minions?
That would be for Sky Ghost: Army of the Damned. I've been working up the gumption to write a query letter and honestly summarizing it like that does seem to help. So often when I want to write a query there's just so much stuff that I want to cram in that it's hard to focus on basics.
Anyway, if you want to pay $20 and muddle through all 300 or so pages of it, maybe Swain's book will become your Bible. Then you can go bludgeon people over the head with it in writer's groups and take it way, way too seriously.
I think, though, part of the problem is if you do adopt it you'd end up writing really mechanically for a while and would then have to unlearn a lot of it to get back to a more natural feel. So try not to take it as seriously as Jay Greenstein.
Up Next: Writing the Novel by Lawrence Block
Friday, January 8, 2016
Why to Never Fantasy for Money
If you watched five minutes of any NFL game (which would necessitate at least six commercial breaks) you'd see ads for those single-week fantasy football leagues like FanDuel or Draft Kings. Or maybe you heard about them on CNN or 60 Minutes or something because there has been a lot of heat on them in recent months and debate over whether it constitutes as gambling or not.
Anyway, I would never play any of these leagues for money. I had one this last season on ESPN and my team sucked ass. If you followed me on Facebook I ranted about it once per week, usually lamenting how my team got its sorry ass kicked. My team was of course the traditional full-season kind so injuries and just a shitty auto draft kind of screwed me in a way you don't have to worry about as much in single-week ones, which is where the allure comes from mostly I mean if your lineup sucks one week, next week it can be entirely different.
The thing is, there are simply too many fucking variables that unless you're clairvoyant, you're not going to do that well. I've heard some of the bigger winners spend a lot of time plotting elements right down to the weather for each game, but there's still so much that you simply can't control.
Something that screwed my team early was my second main receiver, DeSean Jackson of the Washington Racists, got hurt on the first ball thrown to him and was then out for the next 8 weeks. OK sure in FanDuel you don't get stuck with him for a whole season, but still if you picked him that game expecting 15-20 points, you got 0. My primary receiver, Antonio Brown of the Steelers, wasn't hurt but when his quarterback (Ben Roethlisberger) went down with injury, Brown's stats went way down because the backup (Dog Killer Mike Vick) could not throw with any accuracy
Or take the weather. You draft some good receivers but then the games they're in are rainy and sloppy and so no one is catching anything. That's a real act of God right there.
Then there's just general flukiness. I had Randall Cobb of the Packers on my team. On a December 3 game against the hated Lions, Cobb had 29 yards receiving, which means he should only get 2 points. Except on a fluke play, the Packers running back fumbles the ball, it goes into the end zone, and Cobb falls on it for a touchdown. That means he gets an extra 6 points while the running back gets jack shit.
Plus there's the general flukiness of a guy who has done nothing in his whole fucking life will suddenly have a huge day. One game I have Doug Baldwin of the Seahawks on my bench because he has done hardly anything in like 3 years. That week of course he catches 3 touchdowns, pretty much doubling his season total. And next week, he probably had 3 yards total.
Anyway, I get the attraction. I mean it's football and if there's anything a manly man should know something about it's football, right? But it's a sucker's racket. There are so many things that can go wrong that really you might as well go play craps in an alley--the odds are probably better.
Does this have anything to do with writing? Well, you probably have better odds winning a big prize on DraftKings than publishing a book with Random Penguin.
Anyway, I would never play any of these leagues for money. I had one this last season on ESPN and my team sucked ass. If you followed me on Facebook I ranted about it once per week, usually lamenting how my team got its sorry ass kicked. My team was of course the traditional full-season kind so injuries and just a shitty auto draft kind of screwed me in a way you don't have to worry about as much in single-week ones, which is where the allure comes from mostly I mean if your lineup sucks one week, next week it can be entirely different.
The thing is, there are simply too many fucking variables that unless you're clairvoyant, you're not going to do that well. I've heard some of the bigger winners spend a lot of time plotting elements right down to the weather for each game, but there's still so much that you simply can't control.
Something that screwed my team early was my second main receiver, DeSean Jackson of the Washington Racists, got hurt on the first ball thrown to him and was then out for the next 8 weeks. OK sure in FanDuel you don't get stuck with him for a whole season, but still if you picked him that game expecting 15-20 points, you got 0. My primary receiver, Antonio Brown of the Steelers, wasn't hurt but when his quarterback (Ben Roethlisberger) went down with injury, Brown's stats went way down because the backup (Dog Killer Mike Vick) could not throw with any accuracy
Or take the weather. You draft some good receivers but then the games they're in are rainy and sloppy and so no one is catching anything. That's a real act of God right there.
Then there's just general flukiness. I had Randall Cobb of the Packers on my team. On a December 3 game against the hated Lions, Cobb had 29 yards receiving, which means he should only get 2 points. Except on a fluke play, the Packers running back fumbles the ball, it goes into the end zone, and Cobb falls on it for a touchdown. That means he gets an extra 6 points while the running back gets jack shit.
Plus there's the general flukiness of a guy who has done nothing in his whole fucking life will suddenly have a huge day. One game I have Doug Baldwin of the Seahawks on my bench because he has done hardly anything in like 3 years. That week of course he catches 3 touchdowns, pretty much doubling his season total. And next week, he probably had 3 yards total.
Anyway, I get the attraction. I mean it's football and if there's anything a manly man should know something about it's football, right? But it's a sucker's racket. There are so many things that can go wrong that really you might as well go play craps in an alley--the odds are probably better.
Does this have anything to do with writing? Well, you probably have better odds winning a big prize on DraftKings than publishing a book with Random Penguin.
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
The Mother of All Stuff I've Watched Entries!
Obviously since Halloween I've watched some stuff, though not as much as I thought. I'll try to keep these really short. I mean it's not like you really care, right?
Yes, I watched Star Wars The Force Awakens and if you want to read my review on that, you can go here. There are spoilers in case you're that one person who hasn't watched the movie yet.
A Very Murray Christmas: Bill Murray, George Clooney, Sophia Coppola, and company write off a vacation in New York with this holiday special on Netflix. Most of the people singing should not quit their day job--and I'm including Miley Cyrus. (1/5)
About a Boy: Sort of meandering but OK if you like British dramadies. (2.5/5)
Alone With Her: Colin Hanks stalks a girl. I yawn a lot. (2/5)
Conan the Barbarian: The original, but not as good as the "Robot Chicken" musical version. (2/5)
Chaos on the Bridge: Shatner's look at the hectic early years of Star Trek: TNG. Interesting for fans and non-fans. (3/5)
Christmas With the Kranks: Exceedingly dumb movie perfect for those who think red Starbucks cups are a War on Christmas. (0/5)
Daylight: Boring 90s disaster movie starring Sly Stallone. (2/5)
Dutch: Forgotten 1991 John Hughes movie sort of remaking his "Planes, Trains, & Automobiles" only with Al Bundy and a teenage boy. (2/5)
Eyes Wide Shut: All the people who said this was terrible were right. There's really nothing at stake in a movie that manages to make orgies boring. (1/5)
The Final Girls: It's "Last Action Hero" for the "Friday the 13th" movies. A fun time if you like slasher movies. (3/5)
Four Falls of Buffalo: An ESPN/NFL production on Buffalo's four failed Super Bowl runs in the 90s. Not hard-hitting by any stretch but interesting. BTW, they do use the X-Files clip where the Cigarette Smoking Man vows Buffalo will never win a Super Bowl while he's alive. (3/5)
Intolerable Cruelty: From the early 2000s when the Coen Bros. attempted comedy. They went back to crime movies thanks to movies like this. (2/5)
Kung Fury: Over-the-top 80s-style spoof of cop and kung-fu shows. (3/5)
The Lazarus Effect: Lame horror movie where a dead woman is brought back to life to terrorize Mark Duplass and Donald Glover. (2/5)
Man From UNCLE: Probably helped I knew nothing about the TV show. A good secret agents movie that really should have been called UNCLE Begins. Couple other notes from watching: Henry Cavill could be a decent James Bond and Armie Hammer could play some kind of superhero and jeez, Hugh Grant is getting old. Just saying. (3/5)
Mission Impossible Rogue Nation: Seemed pretty much the same as the last one. What happened to the women of that one? There was a woman on the team, right? And wasn't there the woman from the third one at the end working as a nurse or something and Tom Cruise was going to see her? Neither one shows up here. Anyway, seemed impossibly long. Boom. (2/5)
Mr. Holmes: An interesting take on Sherlock Holmes. If you've already watched or read "Atonement" then you already have a clue about the ending. (3/5)
Plastic: Lame con artist movie I barely remember now. (1/5)
Prince of Pennsylvania: ESPN documentary on John DuPont and his Foxcatcher wrestling team. I never watched "Foxcatcher" but then this is probably more accurate. (3/5)
Rambo: First Blood: Part 2: Dumb title. Dumber movie. (1/5)
Robot Overlords: This sounds like a "mockbuster" ripping off the Transformers movies, but it's not. It's more like "V" only the aliens are robots who decree everyone but their collaborators (led by Sir Ben Kinglsey, who it seems will do any movie offered) has to stay indoors, until some meddling kids find the key to stopping them by accidentally electrocuting themselves. And for some reason Gillian Anderson is cast as a British mom. (2.5/5)
The Runner: Nicholas Cage political "drama" that lacks all the sex, scheming, and violence that made "House of Cards" a hit. It's a Nic Cage movie, blow something up, for crying out loud! (1/5)
Scout's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse: The title pretty much says it all: Boy Scouts (or whatever they were actually called) battle a zombie outbreak in their small California town with the help of a stripper. It's fun if you like Zombieland more than The Walking Dead. (2.5/5)
Self/Less: OK sci-fi thriller where Ben Kingsley is sick and transplants his memories into Ryan Reynolds. If it had been me it would be Ben Kingsley transplanting his brain into Jennifer Lawrence (I almost literally did that in the first part of Transformed Into a Bimbo Too. Anyway, after that it sort of turns into a combination of The Bourne Identity/Legacy with a little Robocop thrown in. It's good and not entirely predictable. (2.5/5)
Sleuth: Michael Caine is a mystery writer, Jude Law is the conman banging his wife. They have two confrontations in Caine's house that take some interesting twists and turns. (4/5) (Random fact: Caine starred in the original "Alfie" and Jude Law in the remake. Also, I guess Caine played the conman in the original movie version back in the 70s with Laurence Olivier as the writer.)
Some Kind of Beautiful: Dull dramedy that really stretches the limits of Pierce Brosnan's charm. (1/5)
Straw Dogs: "Thriller" that's not thrilling. Lois Lane and her boyfriend from "Superman Returns" battle rednecks "Home Alone"-style. (1/5)
Suburban Gothic: Strange low budget movie about an effeminate twentysomething who can see dead people. (2/5)
Terminator Genisys: This soft reboot basically takes all the Terminator movies and puts them in a blender. The result is...meh. (2/5)
Tripping the Rift: The "Family Guy" to "Futurama's" "The Simpsons." It's OK. (2.5/5)
Truth or Consequences, NM: 3 criminals and an undercover DEA agent steal drugs, Rob a mobster, and kidnap a couple in this meandering crime drama directed by Kiefer Sutherland. (2.5/5)
Vacation (2015): Feeble sequel/reboot of the 80s movie with Chevy Chase. As a backhanded compliment, I can say I got my 14 cents worth. Honestly, the theme song "Holiday Road" is really not good enough to play 4 freaking times, though props for using the subdued Matt Pond version. (1.5/5)
Yes, I watched Star Wars The Force Awakens and if you want to read my review on that, you can go here. There are spoilers in case you're that one person who hasn't watched the movie yet.
A Very Murray Christmas: Bill Murray, George Clooney, Sophia Coppola, and company write off a vacation in New York with this holiday special on Netflix. Most of the people singing should not quit their day job--and I'm including Miley Cyrus. (1/5)
About a Boy: Sort of meandering but OK if you like British dramadies. (2.5/5)
Alone With Her: Colin Hanks stalks a girl. I yawn a lot. (2/5)
Conan the Barbarian: The original, but not as good as the "Robot Chicken" musical version. (2/5)
Chaos on the Bridge: Shatner's look at the hectic early years of Star Trek: TNG. Interesting for fans and non-fans. (3/5)
Christmas With the Kranks: Exceedingly dumb movie perfect for those who think red Starbucks cups are a War on Christmas. (0/5)
Daylight: Boring 90s disaster movie starring Sly Stallone. (2/5)
Dutch: Forgotten 1991 John Hughes movie sort of remaking his "Planes, Trains, & Automobiles" only with Al Bundy and a teenage boy. (2/5)
Eyes Wide Shut: All the people who said this was terrible were right. There's really nothing at stake in a movie that manages to make orgies boring. (1/5)
The Final Girls: It's "Last Action Hero" for the "Friday the 13th" movies. A fun time if you like slasher movies. (3/5)
Four Falls of Buffalo: An ESPN/NFL production on Buffalo's four failed Super Bowl runs in the 90s. Not hard-hitting by any stretch but interesting. BTW, they do use the X-Files clip where the Cigarette Smoking Man vows Buffalo will never win a Super Bowl while he's alive. (3/5)
Intolerable Cruelty: From the early 2000s when the Coen Bros. attempted comedy. They went back to crime movies thanks to movies like this. (2/5)
Kung Fury: Over-the-top 80s-style spoof of cop and kung-fu shows. (3/5)
The Lazarus Effect: Lame horror movie where a dead woman is brought back to life to terrorize Mark Duplass and Donald Glover. (2/5)
Man From UNCLE: Probably helped I knew nothing about the TV show. A good secret agents movie that really should have been called UNCLE Begins. Couple other notes from watching: Henry Cavill could be a decent James Bond and Armie Hammer could play some kind of superhero and jeez, Hugh Grant is getting old. Just saying. (3/5)
Mission Impossible Rogue Nation: Seemed pretty much the same as the last one. What happened to the women of that one? There was a woman on the team, right? And wasn't there the woman from the third one at the end working as a nurse or something and Tom Cruise was going to see her? Neither one shows up here. Anyway, seemed impossibly long. Boom. (2/5)
Mr. Holmes: An interesting take on Sherlock Holmes. If you've already watched or read "Atonement" then you already have a clue about the ending. (3/5)
Plastic: Lame con artist movie I barely remember now. (1/5)
Prince of Pennsylvania: ESPN documentary on John DuPont and his Foxcatcher wrestling team. I never watched "Foxcatcher" but then this is probably more accurate. (3/5)
Rambo: First Blood: Part 2: Dumb title. Dumber movie. (1/5)
Robot Overlords: This sounds like a "mockbuster" ripping off the Transformers movies, but it's not. It's more like "V" only the aliens are robots who decree everyone but their collaborators (led by Sir Ben Kinglsey, who it seems will do any movie offered) has to stay indoors, until some meddling kids find the key to stopping them by accidentally electrocuting themselves. And for some reason Gillian Anderson is cast as a British mom. (2.5/5)
The Runner: Nicholas Cage political "drama" that lacks all the sex, scheming, and violence that made "House of Cards" a hit. It's a Nic Cage movie, blow something up, for crying out loud! (1/5)
Scout's Guide to the Zombie Apocalypse: The title pretty much says it all: Boy Scouts (or whatever they were actually called) battle a zombie outbreak in their small California town with the help of a stripper. It's fun if you like Zombieland more than The Walking Dead. (2.5/5)
Self/Less: OK sci-fi thriller where Ben Kingsley is sick and transplants his memories into Ryan Reynolds. If it had been me it would be Ben Kingsley transplanting his brain into Jennifer Lawrence (I almost literally did that in the first part of Transformed Into a Bimbo Too. Anyway, after that it sort of turns into a combination of The Bourne Identity/Legacy with a little Robocop thrown in. It's good and not entirely predictable. (2.5/5)
Sleuth: Michael Caine is a mystery writer, Jude Law is the conman banging his wife. They have two confrontations in Caine's house that take some interesting twists and turns. (4/5) (Random fact: Caine starred in the original "Alfie" and Jude Law in the remake. Also, I guess Caine played the conman in the original movie version back in the 70s with Laurence Olivier as the writer.)
Some Kind of Beautiful: Dull dramedy that really stretches the limits of Pierce Brosnan's charm. (1/5)
Straw Dogs: "Thriller" that's not thrilling. Lois Lane and her boyfriend from "Superman Returns" battle rednecks "Home Alone"-style. (1/5)
Suburban Gothic: Strange low budget movie about an effeminate twentysomething who can see dead people. (2/5)
Terminator Genisys: This soft reboot basically takes all the Terminator movies and puts them in a blender. The result is...meh. (2/5)
Tripping the Rift: The "Family Guy" to "Futurama's" "The Simpsons." It's OK. (2.5/5)
Truth or Consequences, NM: 3 criminals and an undercover DEA agent steal drugs, Rob a mobster, and kidnap a couple in this meandering crime drama directed by Kiefer Sutherland. (2.5/5)
Vacation (2015): Feeble sequel/reboot of the 80s movie with Chevy Chase. As a backhanded compliment, I can say I got my 14 cents worth. Honestly, the theme song "Holiday Road" is really not good enough to play 4 freaking times, though props for using the subdued Matt Pond version. (1.5/5)
Monday, January 4, 2016
...And We're Back!
How was your NaNoWriMo and holiday season? Don't answer; that was a rhetorical question.
Since my last post, I got a job at a fast food restaurant. Quit said job after 8 days because my shitty, diabetic feet could not handle the strain. Got a cold from my sister at Thanksgiving. Haven't had any serious interviews in months. Amazon money continues trickling down. Tax season is approaching, which means the IRS will demand 40% of last year's sales because unlike Donald Trump or Warren Buffett or GM or GE I don't have an army of accountants and lawyers to keep me from paying taxes. So basically I'll end up in bankruptcy, which hey try to collect since I don't have a job or any money!
But hey the new Star Wars came out. That was awesome by my reckoning. And in a couple of months there will be Batman v Superman and then Avengers 2.5, aka Captain America 3! Yes, despite the unending horror of the world and my life, at least we still have movies. That's your positive thought for the day.
And hey, there's still a blog! For the immediate future I don't think I'm going to do theme days, because no one gives a fuck except me. I suppose until April, when we all have to pay fealty to Alex Cavanaugh and his gang again, I'll just do what I feel like doing. It won't all be me moping and bitching about shitty life is--just most of it.
I've published a shitload more books since the last time I blogged and I probably have a shitload more coming up in the future, even if it largely seems to be diminishing returns anymore. It's kind of sad when you have like 100 books for sale and sell only 3 total copies for a whole day. In an ideal world I'd like to sell at least 1 of each book per day, but some of the older ones haven't sold a copy in many months. That's just how it goes. By my count I wrote 55 last year, not counting omnibuses.
Anyway, hopefully your last few months were better than mine. They'd almost have to be by default, right?
Since my last post, I got a job at a fast food restaurant. Quit said job after 8 days because my shitty, diabetic feet could not handle the strain. Got a cold from my sister at Thanksgiving. Haven't had any serious interviews in months. Amazon money continues trickling down. Tax season is approaching, which means the IRS will demand 40% of last year's sales because unlike Donald Trump or Warren Buffett or GM or GE I don't have an army of accountants and lawyers to keep me from paying taxes. So basically I'll end up in bankruptcy, which hey try to collect since I don't have a job or any money!
But hey the new Star Wars came out. That was awesome by my reckoning. And in a couple of months there will be Batman v Superman and then Avengers 2.5, aka Captain America 3! Yes, despite the unending horror of the world and my life, at least we still have movies. That's your positive thought for the day.
And hey, there's still a blog! For the immediate future I don't think I'm going to do theme days, because no one gives a fuck except me. I suppose until April, when we all have to pay fealty to Alex Cavanaugh and his gang again, I'll just do what I feel like doing. It won't all be me moping and bitching about shitty life is--just most of it.
I've published a shitload more books since the last time I blogged and I probably have a shitload more coming up in the future, even if it largely seems to be diminishing returns anymore. It's kind of sad when you have like 100 books for sale and sell only 3 total copies for a whole day. In an ideal world I'd like to sell at least 1 of each book per day, but some of the older ones haven't sold a copy in many months. That's just how it goes. By my count I wrote 55 last year, not counting omnibuses.
Anyway, hopefully your last few months were better than mine. They'd almost have to be by default, right?
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