Showing posts with label Write Good. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Write Good. Show all posts

Monday, May 16, 2016

How Not to Write Good: Six Swings & A Miss

My frenemy John Oberon likes to poach a message board for his website so today I'm poaching one of his posts.

FROM MISSING TREES

Hi
I’m struggling a bit with my first paragraph, and having received some good advice, decided to post some options here. I’ve love to know which is preferred, and what makes the difference.
Thank you in advance!

Option 1 (original)
Lights off, Derek’s tyres crunched the gravel as he manoeuvred his van toward the twisted wooden railings. The moonlight barely touched the objects in its ambit; the struts on the swing seemed to randomly obscure. Now you see it, now you don’t. He imagined a scene from a black and white movie; a white van, spattered with muck, remnants of grit and salt from the slushy weather camouflaging its whiteness. A grubby man watching a young girl on the swing, waiting.

Option 2
Parked nose to twisted wooden railings, Derek killed the van’s engine and the lights. The moonlight’s ambit, confined by murky clouds, barely touched the objects in the park. He imagined a scene from a black and white movie. A van, it’s whiteness camouflaged by spattered muck and remnants of grit and salt from the slushy weather, concealed the diry man watching a young girl on the swing. Thinking. Waiting. Watching.

Option 3
Derek’s tyres crunched the gravel as he manoeuvred his van. He parked nose to twisted wooden railings and killed the lights. The moonlight’s ambit confined by murky clouds, concealing the objects in the park. The struts on the swing seemed to randomly obscure. Now you see it, now you don’t. He imagined a scene from a black and white movie; a white van, spattered with muck, remnants of grit and salt from the slushy weather camouflaging its whiteness and concealing the diry man as he watched a young girl on the swing.

Option 4
Derek imagined a scene from a black and white movie. A van, it’s whiteness camouflaged by spattered muck and remnants of grit and salt from the slushy weather, concealed the diry man watching a young girl on the swing. Tyres crunched the gravel as Derek manoeuvred his van until its nose touched the twisted wooden railings and then killed the lights. The moonlight’s ambit, confined by murky clouds, barely touched the objects in the park. The struts on the swing seemed to randomly obscure. Now you see it, now you don’t.

Option 5
Tyres crunched the gravel as Derek manoeuvred his van to the twisted wooden railings, and then killed the engine and the lights. The moonlight’s ambit, confined by murky clouds, barely touched the objects in the park. He imagined a scene from a black and white movie. A van, it’s whiteness camouflaged by spattered muck and remnants of grit and salt from the slushy weather, concealed the diry man watching a young girl on the swing. Thinking. Waiting. Watching.

Option 6
Derek’s tyres crunched the gravel as he manoeuvred his van. He parked nose to twisted wooden railings and killed the lights. The moonlight barely touched the objects in the park; the struts on the swing seemed to randomly obscure. Now you see it, now you don’t. He imagined a scene from a black and white movie; a white van, spattered with muck, remnants of grit and salt from the slushy weather camouflaging its whiteness and concealing the diry man as he watched the young girl on the swing.

RESPONSE

Well, I believe in saying what you want to say in as few words as possible, so here’s my go:
The gravel crunched as Derek parked his van by the twisted wood railings and killed the engine and lights. A moon couched in dark clouds bathed the park in an eerie glow, and he imagined a scene from an old film noir: a white van darkened by winter road spatter concealed a dirty man watching a young girl on the swing. Watching…thinking…waiting.

MISSING TREES

Don’t you trust hate it when someone writes your idea better than you did? LOL! Thank you John!! I’m still learning.

RESPONSE

Well, I didn’t mean to write it for you. I was just showing where you can prune and gain some efficiency in language. You could do something similar using your own words.

I read all of these and didn't really like any of them, including Oberon's.  The first thing is no matter which version I read it wasn't exactly clear to me whether Derek was the guy watching the young girl or if he was a guy watching the guy watching the girl.  Because really the way he thinks of the man as "grubby" or "dirty" isn't something the man would think of himself unless he has really shitty self-esteem.  It seems to put him outside himself, creating distance that makes it almost omniscient narration.

Assuming Derek is the peeper, what I think you want to do is focus on his watching the girl to show his obsession.  Get inside his head to let us know what he's seeing and thinking about as he's watching her.  Crunchy gravel, moonlight, and so forth isn't really important.  None of it helps to establish the character or the story.  I know that goes against Dwight Swain, but I think it'd make for a better opening for the reader.

Oberon might have noticed this himself if he weren't so focused on just pruning trees.  There's a time for pruning and a time for replanting.  This is the latter.

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Why So Serious?

For many the greatest example of flash fiction ever is this:

For sale, Baby shoes, Never worn.

It's attributed to Ernest Hemingway, but there's apparently dispute over that.  I've gone on record in one of my other blogs with saying this isn't a story at all.  It's a prompt.  It asks the reader to fill in everything to create a scenario.  But the thing is, everyone pretty much comes up with the same basic scenario:  something tragic must have happened!  The baby is dead!  Maybe it was stillborn or died shortly thereafter.

Whether this is a story or not is debatable, but what we should be more interested in is why everyone comes up with a negative scenario.  I mean, if you just look at those words, there's no logical reason to assume something horrible happened.  Maybe the parents bought too many shoes; if you have a baby you know how fast they go through them.  Maybe some colorblind relatives bought a really ugly pair of shoes.  There are plenty of perfectly ordinary scenarios.

My buddy Jay Greenstein said "The story is clearly a tragedy, and the denouement is inherent in the fact that it's an advertisement."  That's just silly.  There's no "clear tragedy."  There's no tragedy at all.  It's only because we imagine it a tragedy.  That says something about human beings, I think, that we instantly go to that place.  I wonder if any psychologist has studied the phenomenon?  If not, it seems like something for a grad student to do a paper on.

Maybe it's just that if someone asks us to make a story out of it, we assume tragedy because that's what makes the best stories.  Though you could make it a comedy out of someone giving the parents a really ugly pair of shoes and they try to get rid of them without the person who gave them to the parents finding out.  That'd make for a good episode of a sitcom.  But maybe like Monsters, Inc we assume screams are more powerful than laughter until we find out differently.

Monday, February 15, 2016

The Not-So-Secret Secret to Reviews

If you've read my blog for a while, you know that I frequently complain about not getting enough good reviews.  So when I saw someone hocking a book called Book Reviews That Sell for a paltry 99 cents, I thought I might as well give it a try.  Maybe I'd actually learn some great secret to getting book reviews.

Reading it reminded me of this time I watched this 30 minute web video that promised to tell me some great secret to more job interviews.  The first like 27 minutes of the video was this guy just saying the same generic crap over and over again in slightly different ways.  After 27 minutes of vamping he finally got to the big "secret," which was:  I don't really remember.  Some stupid thing you put in the PS of a cover letter.  Then I just had to shake my head for getting taken, not that it cost me anything and actually after about 10 minutes of the dude's vamping I put the video in another tab and played around on Facebook or something.

I also remember reading an article about all those "One Weird Trick" videos you see advertised around the Internet.  Apparently the ones the author watched used a similar tactic of just vamping for most of a half hour and then giving you a "secret" that wasn't really much of a secret.  Like if you watch "One Weird Trick" to losing a bunch of weight it might after a half hour of bullshitting tell you to take some Vitamin D pills or something like that.

In the same way the first 2/3 of this "book" is mostly the author going on and on about Amazon's Terms of Service, which you could read for yourself if you felt like it.  And also that review swaps are bad.  You should never, ever promise to trade reviews with someone.  Sure.  I got that the first five times he mentioned it, but just to make the book seem more like a real book he said it five more times.  (Slight exaggeration.)

Ironically in the same way as that video or book, I've been vamping before giving you the big "secret," albeit not as long.  Here's the "secret":  Find books like yours, make a list of Amazon reviewers of those books who have email information, and then send them an email to ask if they'll review your book.

I think I literally started to laugh.  I mean really, that's it?  That's the secret?  Since this would actually take hundreds of hours to do on your own, he suggests hiring someone on Fiverr or something to help you track down leads in exchange for a few bucks.  Then you put them into an Excel sheet and go to work.  Chances are you'll send out hundreds of Emails and get only a few positives--and then even fewer who actually go through with it in a reasonable amount of time.

Basically it operates under the junk mail principle:  you send out a hundred thousand postcards or Emails and if even 2% of those buy your product or service--or give you their bank information in the case of those Nigerian prince email scams--then you've turned a profit.  Though in this case the profit is in terms of reviews.

Ordinarily I might try this because what the hell?  I mean, I tried that Reader Magnets thing, which didn't really pay off for me.  However, I'm in kind of an ethical dilemma because I am an Amazon reviewer and I have had people pitch me free copies of their books if I'll review it.  I did accept one or two, but then I gave up because it was annoying and taking time I could be reading books I actually wanted to read.  So sure I can go find some other people who have reviewed gender swap fiction and ask them if they'll review one of my books, but having been on the other side of it, I'd feel like kind of an idiot.  Also I don't want to waste money trying to hire a minion on Fiverr or whatever.

BTW, here's another "secret" for you from the book:  how to deal with bad reviews.  Basically you get a "street team" of other people who have Amazon accounts and you post comments on the bad review and vote it "not helpful" and hope the reviewer changes his/her mind or at the least it will seem to other people like it's not a good review.  (In a similar fashion Jay Greenstein goes to everyone who posts a bad review of his books to scream that they have a grudge against him because of his nefarious message board activities.)  If you're the author, you can promise to change things the reviewer pointed out in the hope the reviewer will decide to alter the review.

What's funny is after I posted the review to Amazon, the next day the author made one of those comments and had a couple of his "street team" making comments and voting it down.  They didn't seem to realize the reviewer has a nuclear option:  copy the review, delete it on Amazon, and then repost it.  I did that a few times with a review of a Sufjan Stevens album that for some reason really irked people.  I didn't get death threats, but close.  There was a Michael Chabon book too with a similar situation, to the point I finally changed the title of the review to:  I Don't Care What You Think, I'm Not Changing the Review!  So really the author of the review doesn't have to take bullying like that.  Right now it's actually at 5 of 7 helpful votes and just one "street team" commenter, so for the moment I can live with it.

Anyway, you can try this system if you want.  I'm sure other Amazon reviewers are a lot more forgiving than I am.

PS:  If the author of the book and his street team show up, this is my blog so if you try any of your tricks I'll go full Andrew Leon and make your comments mysteriously disappear.  And there's no "not helpful" button for you to press.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

How to Not Write Good, Vol 2: Timid Tammy

This is a compilation of a few different newbs on writers.net.  A lot of times you'll get these people who are just starting out and start pestering the group with questions about every little thing.  "What POV should I use?" "How many characters should I have?"  "Should I write it in English?"

The best answer for people like that is to borrow Nike's slogan:  Just Do It!  Just write the fucking book and worry about the rest of it later.  Don't ask the world's permission to write your novel.  Go ahead and do it.

In a way the Internet is a bad thing when it comes to this.  Because now would-be authors can procrastinate so easily.  Not just with "research" but learning about the "the process" and all that.  When really the best way to learn is to do it.  Like most everything in life, first-hand knowledge, learning from your mistakes, is far better than studying a book or pestering random people.

I wrote what you could probably consider my first "novel" in seventh grade.  I was only 12 or 13 and I'm sure the writing was terrible.  The story was largely a rip-off of Red Dawn, only in my hometown.  The main character was...me!  (Because I'm a huge narcissist.)  It was definitely fiction as I was in the National Guard and had a son.  If I had a copy today (and I have no idea where one might be except perhaps an ancient floppy disk) it'd probably be pretty embarrassing.

Big whoop.  I was just a dumb kid.  And you know what?  It was fun and I probably learned a few things along the way.

Lawrence Block pretty much echoes this in Writing the Novel.  Very few authors hit it out of the park their first time around.  Even all the successful debut novels aren't necessarily that author's first novel; he or she probably has one in "the drawer" somewhere.

Honestly, don't worry about fucking up your first time around.  How many characters should you have?  However many you want.  Just go and have fun and then probably delete the file.  As Gretzky said, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don't take.

Friday, January 15, 2016

How to Write Good, Vol 3: The King Way

It's Friday, which as every blogger knows is a total wank.  So let the wanking commence!

I read Stephen King's On Writing more than 12 years ago.  I remember when because I read a little bit of it at work when the Big Blackout of 2003 hit the eastern half of the country.  That is about all I remember.  That and the idea you should totally, definitely, most assuredly rid yourself of those nasty adverbs.

There you go.  My book report.  It would probably get me an F.  Anyway, both people who read my blog have probably read it as well, so I probably don't need to explain it to you.  Or maybe if you haven't read the book it'll be turned into a six-part mini-series on TV or movie starring Johnny Depp or something.  I'm not even sure when I got rid of my copy of the book.  Probably before one of my moves when I needed to lighten the load.  That was when I got rid of most of my writing books.

Anyway, having read these three posts, now you can definitely write good.  Hooray!  Fame and fortune await!

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

How to Write Good, Vol 2: The Block Way

In the last five years Lawrence Block has become one of my favorite authors.  Even if you haven't heard of his books or remember the post I wrote on him, you might remember there was a Liam Neeson movie called A Walk Among the Tombstones or maybe on Netflix or something you can find 8 Million Ways to Die starring Jeff Bridges in the late 80s.  There have been one or two other movies based on Block's work.

What's interesting is that Block and Dwight Swain largely came up from the same place writing-wise.  They both sold a lot of work to "the pulps" and "the paperbacks" in the 50s and 60s.  Though I gather Swain stopped doing that to teach while Block to my knowledge is still writing and publishing books.

While I was plodding through Swain's book I saw Block's Writing the Novel was only $1.30 on Kindle for Cyber Monday or whatever.  That was a lot cheaper, so what the heck, it seemed like a good way to kill a couple of hours.  (Good thing I bought it as the version I linked to above is the "revised and expanded version" that is $9.99 while the one I have on my Kindle is no longer for sale.  Those dastards!)

Being a narcissist (and saying that confirms I am a narcissist) I liked that a lot of what Block says dovetails with my own experiences.  Even things I've said to people like Jay Greenstein or just in general in my blog.

First thing being:  There is no magic formula.  Writers have gotten to the same place by an almost infinite number of means, so there is no one perfect way to write that can instantly make you a bestselling author.  I mean if there were, there wouldn't be so many writers working second jobs, right?

So really unlike Swain, Block doesn't give you a "system" to use.  He more or less provides some down-to-earth tips on how to write a book based on what was at the time over 20 years of experience.  (At this point it's more like 60.)

This was written in 1978 so like Swain's book there's the caveat that a lot of the market information is way out of date.  By this time the pulps were already gone and even Block admitted that most magazines would no longer take short stories, nor pay enough for it to matter much.  And yeah that was like 38 years ago!  (Pretty much my whole life.)

Unfortunately someone like me can't do it the same way Block did.  He started out writing a "sex novel" (a lesbian erotica book) for a paperback publisher and eventually wrote a variety of suspense and mystery books (some with pseudonyms and others not).  By the late 70s he had the first three novels for two series that are still ongoing, one featuring unlicensed private eye Matthew Scudder (featured in those movies I mentioned) and the other featuring gentleman burglar Bernie Rhodenbarr.  Both series by now have over 10 books.  Anyway, these six books are ones he refers back to frequently as examples.  Which really it was nice in that he could point to specific examples that I had actually read, unlike Swain who referenced moldy old books that have long been out of print.

OK, so the first point is there's no magic formula.  That includes outlining.  So often (mostly for lack of better things to do) writers argue about whether you should write with a detailed outline or "pants it" by writing whatever you feel like.  As I eventually came to accept, Block says again that you should go with what works for you.  Because again there are examples of authors who ruthlessly outline every little bit and others who never outlined a single damned thing and all those authors got their books published.  So just find how you work best and go at it.

That also includes your writing process.  Every author has their own little quirks and habits.  Block mentions a guy who would go to some random European city, set up shop for a few weeks to type like a madman, and then go home when he had finished the book.  Would we could all do that, right?  Block's own habit (at this point) was after breakfast he would sit down and bang out 5 pages on the typewriter.  Even if he didn't really feel like it, he did it anyway.  Then at the end of the day he'd go back and read over what he wrote.

There's one area where we are not simpatico.  I almost never write before 10am.  A lot of the time when I write in the morning it's really slow because I am not a morning person.  It's not usually until 3-4 in the afternoon when I might start getting hot, probably because I can feel dinner approaching and want to actually accomplish something.

Something reassuring was when he talks about characters.  Basically the idea is that every character we write is pretty much as if we were playing that character.  It's like how every Tom Cruise character is just Tom Cruise as a fighter pilot, Tom Cruise as a secret agent, Tom Cruise as a bartender, Tom Cruise as a Nazi, Tom Cruise as a vampire, etc.  Even though I've never been transformed into a little girl, schoolgirl, whore, geek girl, dominatrix, Goth girl, fat girl, MILF, bimbo, cougar, bride, pregnant girl, maid, Asian girl, toddler, baby, or twins, the characters are pretty much saying and doing what I would say and do in that scenario.  And I didn't get my face badly burned and my mother didn't die when I was three and my dad didn't abandon me and I didn't meet twins who basically ran my life, but if I had all that shit go down then I'd do and say the things Frost Devereaux does in Where You Belong.

I did feel reassured because to go all IWSG on you, sometimes I worry that maybe I don't create characters who are unique or "real" or whatever.  But when someone who has published as many books as Block has says it's OK that your characters are not completely different from you then I can tamp back the anxiety a bit.

A dated part of the book is about research.  Obviously in 1978 it was a lot harder to do research than in 2016.  You didn't have Google and Wikipedia.  Actually in a couple of Block's older books it's funny for that same reason.  In one they were trying to find out who was in a particular movie and had to call a bunch of people, finally ending with the Screen Actors Guild.  Nowadays it would take about thirty seconds on IMDB to find that out.

Be that as it may, the answer to research is not to overdo it.  Which again is a good point.  You only need to research enough to make people think you know what the fuck you're talking about.  For instance, when I wrote Another Chance, I had to do some quick research on military weapons and uniforms and stuff like that.  It was good I did because I found out in 2010 the army changed their formal uniforms from green to blue (or white).  I could have gone several steps farther and enrolled in boot camp and all that Method Actor bullshit.  I could have gone around asking military people a bunch of questions.  But really, who the fuck cares?  The basic division is when does research stop making the book better and just waste time so you don't have to write?

At the same time, do SOME research at least.  Don't assume no one will notice or someone at your eventual publisher will fix it.  The best example is Jeffrey Eugenides's Pulitzer-winning Middlesex where he has B-52 jet-propelled bombers being made in Detroit during WWII (before the US even had jet engines) and Al Kaline playing first base, though admittedly he played a few games there at the end of his career but it wasn't the position for which he was known.  Messing up obvious stuff like that just makes you look like a jackass, especially when Eugenides could have double-checked both on Wikipedia in like 2 minutes.  Rant over.

Block actually recommends something Swain sneered at, which is learning by reading other books.  That is a tip that is frequently bandied around writing groups and such.  Block suggests that you learn to read as a writer.  He even goes so far as to practice by outlining books you're reading chapter-by-chapter.

I don't go that far but when I wanted to write a John Irving-esque book, you know what I did?  I read all of his freaking books and mentally listed common elements, at least for the books I actually liked.  I probably did a post somewhere about it at some point.  And you know who Irving studied?  Dickens.  And who did Dickens study?  I have no fucking idea.  When I wanted to write a mystery-like book (Chance of a Lifetime) you know what I did?  I got a big fucking book of Raymond Chandler short stories.  And eventually that's how I came into reading Lawrence Block.  All the Chandler reading came in handy again when I wanted to write a private eye story (Private Dick, Gender Swap Detective), though actually the end of that book was more based on Block's Bernie Rhodenbarr books, which were based on Nero Wolfe books.  So you see that despite what Dwight Swain thought, authors study each other all the freaking time.  It's just a good idea that if you want to write a certain type of book to read what other people are doing.  I mean before I started my whole gender swap franchise under my other name I read three or four books by other authors, though there were a lot fewer authors in those heady days of 2014.  The first book I wrote, Transformed Into a Little Girl, was largely patterned after a couple of the books I had read.  Not plagiarized because I am not Shia LeBeouf, but patterned more in terms of structure and what elements to include.

Rewriting is another area where Block and I were simpatico in that we don't like it.  Pantsers especially usually end up writing the book a couple of times, which is something that would bore the shit out of me.  OK, admittedly Where You Belong was better the second time around, but that doesn't mean I want to go through rewriting every goddamned book.  Even a speedy typist like me has limits.  As I mentioned, Block does do proofreading at the end of a day but he doesn't do a lot of rewriting unless it's absolutely necessary.  We're both lazy that way.  But like a lot of things he allows that you may feel differently so rewrite as much as you feel you need to, though I'd say not to the point you drive yourself crazy fiddling with it.

That's pretty much all the relevant stuff.  So I guess I saved you a whopping $1.30--or $9.99 now, right?  It's a lot easier to read than Swain's and shorter too, so if you get the chance, buy a copy.  Or I think you can borrow it free if you have an Amazon Prime account.

Up Next:  Stephen King's On Writing

Monday, January 11, 2016

How to Write Good, Vol 1: The Swain Way

My writers.net nemesis Jay Greenstein was forever bitching that "I hate education" (despite that I frequently reminded him I graduated magna cum laude from college) and don't read books on writing.  His go-to guy is Dwight Swain and Techniques of the Selling Writer.

Since he refers to it as like the fucking Bible, I wanted to give it a look.  It took a little while because the thing is like $17 in Kindle format on Amazon!  Even used copies on Amazon, Abebooks, Half.com, etc were going for around that--if not more.  And this is a book published first in 1965 and then later in 1981, so you'd think someone would have a copy for cheap.  The couple of used bookstores I visited didn't have it either.  Eventually the price went down to about $10 with shipping on one of the sites so I got a copy.  A 1981 copy, not the one you'd find on Amazon.  Not that it matters since Swain died in like 1992 so it's not like he has much new to add to it.

Anyway, the first caveat is that this book was first written in fucking 1965.  And most of Swain's success was years before that.  The writing world was a very different place back then.  The pulps and "paperbacks" he mentions no longer exist.  Yes we have paperbacks but back in the day "real" books were printed first in hardcover while cheap dime store paperbacks were for crap like Harlequin romances or most sci-fi books.  The magazines he mentions either no longer exist or really don't take short fiction unless you're Stephen King or Jonathan Franzen--someone people have heard of.  So as far as the "selling" part goes, well, you can't really do it the same way Swain did unless you invented a time machine and if you invented a time machine you wouldn't waste it on going back to the 50s to publish in pulp magazines, right?  I mean you'd do something like make sure your parents hook up or save the leader of the future Resistance or just steal a whole bunch of shit.

Which isn't to say the book is useless.  I mean let's face it, good writing is...good.  So some of the stuff he talks about might be able to help make your books better, not that you'll probably be able to sell them anyway--or if you sell it to a publisher you probably still won't actually sell many copies.  (I'm not bitter.  Hahaha.)

Swain is basically like one of those guys on late night TV, promising that "his system" can make you lose that 20 lbs (or my case 200 lbs) you need to lose.  He doesn't write it like a hawkster but it's pretty much the same concept that with "my system" you'll have success!  To which I say Fi.  Fi on you!  Still, maybe some of it will help you.

First thing I took away:  readers are dumb.  They can only follow one thing at a time.  So don't say, "Bob went to the store and bought milk and cookies and a magazine and hit on that hot blonde in the produce aisle."  First that's pretty cumbersome.  Second, readers are dumb.  Dumb reader no can follow more than one thing.  Dumb reader get angry and Smash book!  In the most basic way you'd say:  Bob went to the store.  He bought milk.  He bought cookies.  He bought a magazine.  He hit on that hot blonde in the produce aisle.

I suppose I do have a bad habit of maybe doing too many contrasting things.  Like "He went to the store and then bought milk."  Or "Before he bought milk, he went to the store."  How's the reader supposed to keep track of that?  Me dumb reader.  Me no understand!  Smash!!!

Anyway, another concept is that there are three parts to any reaction.
  1. Something happens.
  2. You feel it.
  3. You express yourself verbally.

Like:
  • He pounded the nail through his thumb.
  • His thumb throbbed with pain.
  • "God-fucking-damn-it!!!" he roared.

You must do it this way.  Always.  OK, not always.  Maybe you don't express yourself verbally.

Another commandment:  your book must be structured as scene-sequel-scene-sequel.  What's a sequel?  No it's not referring to the continuation of a series.  Basically the idea is there's a scene where stuff happens and then a cool-down scene where stuff doesn't really happen.  Then another scene where stuff happens.  And so on until you have a novel.

I'll borrow one of his ridiculously dated examples:  Scene:  Ricky is at the malt shop with his sweetheart and jealous ex-boyfriend shows up to kick Ricky's ass.  Sequel:  Ricky goes home and plots his vengeance.  Then later they probably get into a choreographed knife fight or drag race or some 50s bullshit like that.

Obviously I'm being more than a little facetious about a lot of this.  While it's an OK book, especially if you haven't written 200 fucking books like someone around here, it was a real chore to read.  Swain at this point was teaching at Oklahoma and he seemed like the sort who would put his students to sleep.  He's not the Robin Williams in Dead Poet's Society kind of teacher, more like F Murray Abraham in Finding Forrester.  It comes through in how dry the book is.  Even when he tries a joke it's just not funny.  At one point he throws in a "Two Wongs Don't Make a White" joke that probably killed in the 50s but now is just racist.  (Also the joke really had nothing to do with what he was talking about so it just stuck out like a sore thumb.)  I suppose if you're 76 like Jay Greenstein then it's probably easier to tolerate but me being only half that it was really lame.  It's ironic because he talks about invoking emotion in readers--because that's why you read books, to feel! Not to, you know, simply be entertained for a few hours--yet the only emotion I felt most of the time was boredom.

There was one thing I found interesting, which is a formula he uses for summarizing a story.  It might be helpful when you set out, but really I think it would be helpful when you're doing a query letter.

The formula is like this:  Situation + Character + Objective + Opponent + Obstacle

Here's his corny example:
  • Situation:  When humans suddenly begin to grow to 12 foot height
  • Character:  John Storm (not the Human Torch)
  • Objective:  tries to find out why.
  • Obstacle: But can he defeat the traitors in high places who want to kill him in order to make the change appear to be the result of an extraterrestrial plot?  (Um, yes?)

(He actually refers to Obstacle as Disaster but that just sounds stupid to me.)

For the hell of it let's try it on a story we mostly know:  The Wizard of Oz:

When she's stranded in the magical land of Oz (situation), Dorothy (Character) has to find the mysterious Wizard to return home. (Objective)  But can she defeat the Wicked Witch of the West trying to stop her from reaching the Wizard? (Obstacle)

Now when you phrase it like that you basically have your first paragraph for a query letter.

Let's try it with a book you haven't read, ie one of mine.
When he's turned into a young woman, Stacey Chance has to find a cure to change herself back.  But can she get the notes for the cure from the evil gangster who stole them?

That's Chance of a Lifetime of course.

Let me try it with a new story you definitely haven't read, though you could read the rough draft here.
When his settlement is overrun by zombies, Hunter Hawking has to track down who unleashed the zombies and stop them from doing it again.  But can one ace pilot hope to defeat an army of zealots and their horde of undead minions?

That would be for Sky Ghost:  Army of the Damned.  I've been working up the gumption to write a query letter and honestly summarizing it like that does seem to help.  So often when I want to write a query there's just so much stuff that I want to cram in that it's hard to focus on basics.

Anyway, if you want to pay $20 and muddle through all 300 or so pages of it, maybe Swain's book will become your Bible.  Then you can go bludgeon people over the head with it in writer's groups and take it way, way too seriously.

I think, though, part of the problem is if you do adopt it you'd end up writing really mechanically for a while and would then have to unlearn a lot of it to get back to a more natural feel.  So try not to take it as seriously as Jay Greenstein.

Up Next:  Writing the Novel by Lawrence Block

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