Practical Superheroism: Target Lock

Disclaimer:  DON'T.  TRY.  THIS.  AT.  HOME.  There, all caps.  Now do you get it?  Good.  I'm glad this is the final time I have to say that.

This is the last edition of Practical Superheroism.  I figure by now I've imparted enough lessons that you should be ready to go all "Silver Cockatoo Begins" or whatever the hell you're going to call yourself.  I mean we've covered the name, the costume, the vehicle, the gadgets, fighting techniques, and all that stuff.  Just one last lesson to impart.  You must confront Vader again...wait, that was from something else.


Anyway, there was a lot to hate in the "Green Hornet" movie from about 2 years ago, just as there's a lot to hate in any movie that involves Seth Rogen--the #1 thing being Seth Rogen.  But it did make a couple of good points for practical superheroism.  And one of those good points is the focus of today's feature.

That is if you've got all your superhero stuff--costume, gadgets, motorcycle--together, then what?  You know there's crime happening somewhere, but how do you find it?  Now maybe if you live in a bad neighborhood you've already got an idea of this.  But if you're like me and from the suburbs, then you might not know exactly where to find "the bad part of town."  (In Detroit it's called EVERYWHERE!)

In "The Green Hornet" Seth Rogen and the real superhero Kato want to fight crime, but have no idea where crime actually is.  So they end up getting help from his secretary Cameron Diaz who conveniently has a degree in criminology.  Chances are you don't know a criminologist (or Cameron Diaz for that matter) but you can do what she did and study newspapers and so forth to figure out where the hot spots for crime are.

In Batman there's conveniently an area known as "Crime Alley" which would seem a fairly obvious place to get started.  In A Hero's Journey the really bad neighborhood is known as "The Trenches" because there was so much fighting in that area that it was like a war zone.  So it's no surprise when the Scarlet Knight needs to learn how to fight crime, her ghost trainer Marlin has her visit some spots in the Trenches.  A recurring joke in the series is that whenever a new Scarlet Knight needs trained, they wind up at this one convenience store and piss off the clerk who works there.

So anyway, unless you have a ghost to help you, you'll have to do it yourself.  Just look at the newspapers and if you can, some crime statistics, and find some hot spots.  It helps too if you have a police scanner.  Then if you're quick you can get there before the cops.  Also if you listen to it long enough you could mark where the crimes are on a map of the city and get a better picture of what's going on where.

A caveat here is that most of the crimes superheroes fight take place at NIGHT.  I remember watching this movie called "Special" where the would-be hero goes out in broad daylight in costume to look for crime.  He was supposed to be a comic book junkie too so you think he'd realize you don't do this stuff in the daytime.  I mean 1) Most crimes take place at night as I said 2) There are a lot more innocent people on the streets in the daytime and 3) Your costume sticks out a lot more in the daytime than at night.  So really, wait until the sun starts to go down before you spring into action.

There you go, with a little statistical analysis you can find where the bad guys are hanging around and maybe put a stop to their nefarious schemes.  Or not.

BTW, another good tip from "The Green Hornet" was when the Hornet gets shot and needs to go to the hospital, he's worried that it will compromise his secret identity.  I mean how could whatever his name was (Britt?  Brett? Whatever.) get shot?  So they stage a public appearance and then Kato shoots Britt/Brett/whoever with a fake gun so to everyone there it looks like he's been shot.  Plus it makes it clearer to people that Britt/Brett couldn't possibly be the Green Hornet as well.  So when you get shot, you might need to do something like that so as not to compromise your secret identity.

Anyway, I think now you've learned about all you need to learn.  Use it wisely, grasshopper.

And since now you're ready to be a superhero, learn how you can register yourself as a real superhero here!

Tomorrow I review When You Were Young (Children of Eternity #4) by Claire Lachance...

Practical Superheroism 6: Means of Travel

Disclaimer:  Look if you haven't got it by now you never will.  Don't try this at home!

The last couple times I talked about weapons and other items a practical superhero needs to carry around.  Now we get to transportation.  Now since you aren't lucky enough to have been granted superpowers by Earth's yellow sun or a genetic mutation or anything, chances are you can't fly or run super fast or swing around on web ropes or any other nonsense.  Unfortunately you probably also don't have billions of dollars and your own personal workshop to build cars, planes, helicopters, rockets, and whatever else for yourself.

At the same time, as a superhero you can't really take a bus around town.  And that rusty Volkswagen Golf that can't go more than 40mph would take forever to get you to a crime scene.  And your cape would get caught up in the spokes of a 10-speed.  There's always a Segway, but then you'd just look ridiculous. 

The obvious solution:  a motorcycle.  That's the conclusion I came to when I was writing the end of the first draft of A Hero's Journey way back in 2009.  It was inspired mostly by the end of "The Dark Knight" where he rides around on the "Batpod" after the Batmobile gets blown up.  It seemed to me a motorcycle has a few advantages:

1. Speed:  If you get a decent bike it can go well over 100mph.
2. Size:  A motorcycle is small enough that you don't need a whole Batcave to hide it.
3. Maneuverability:  Because it's small it also has a lot better agility than a car.  That's great when you need to weave through crowded streets or alleys in hot pursuit of bad guys or to flee the cops.
4. Mileage:  Bikes typically get better gas mileage, though if you're driving at 100mph all the time that might be negated.
5. Cost:  Just a guess here, but I'd wager it's a lot cheaper than buying a Lamborghini or Maserati or some high-performance sports car.
6. Coolness:  Come on, it just looks fucking cool!  Much cooler than that rusty Volkswagen.  Helps you make a good impression and such.

The obvious drawback is that you don't have as much protection as a car with its airbags and windshield and whatnot, so you have to be really careful.  For me the other drawback is you need to have good balance, which I do not have.

Biker chick!

Anyway, so in A Hero's Journey my hero Dr. Emma Earl, aka the Scarlet Knight, has no means of transportation.  She didn't own a car so she had to take a bus or taxi to work at the Plaine Museum.  When she got the scarlet armor, she traveled mostly by jumping from rooftop to rooftop, which was easy in the old parts of the city where buildings were fairly close together.

By the end of that book she gets herself a motorcycle to ride around on for the reasons I stated above.  It's a lot faster than jumping around and hey, it helps her get to work too, which is an added bonus.

Of course I know nothing about motorcycles except they're loud and annoying and again require too much balance and coordination for me to ever own.  So really I can't recommend specific brands or models or anything like that.  For my story I had her get a Ninja one--a red one of course!--just because I thought it looked cool.  It kind of reminds me of the Cyclone bikes in Robotech--or Mospaeda if you want to get all technical.  Except obviously it doesn't turn into a suit of robot armor.  Dang it.

So it looks sort of like this:

Vroom vroom!

Yeah, that's pretty sweet.  Of course you can get a boring Harley if you want.  Or even one of those three-wheeled Spyder dealies.  That might be better for someone with no balance or coordination like me.  I like the sleekness of this better.

Now here's something important to note:  when she goes out as the Scarlet Knight, she takes the license plate off.  If you're good at engineering you can problem get it so the plate can flip down or something.  Since my character is a genius, she also creates a security system that would shock someone with 5,000 volts if they try to steal it.  You probably aren't that smart, but there are things you can buy to make the bike harder to steal, like a collar dealie like the kid used in "Breaking Bad" and was then used to strangle a drug dealer.  Though later his bike gets stolen anyway.  D'OH!

The obvious problem is if you don't have a lot of money, what are you supposed to do?  I'm sure you can get a used bike for fairly cheap.  Or maybe you could steal one!  (Not that I would endorse that because you'd probably get caught.)  If not, well I guess you'd better make sure you've got a bus pass.

If you want to read about a kick-ass superhero in action then buy my book A Hero's Journey for just $2.99!

Tomorrow is what all of you--or at least Michael Offutt--have been waiting for:  my epic Breakdown of "Breaking Bad"...

Practical Superheroism #5: Tools of the Trade

Disclaimer:  Don't try this at home...no, wait, you know what, go ahead and try this at home!  Then after you get the shit beat out of you go post some pictures so I can point and laugh.

Let's see, we've talked about coming up with a name and costume, learning how to fight, and what weapons to buy, now it's time for some more tools of the trade.  If you want, get a sweet utility belt like Batman.  And then name everything the "Bat-"something like in Superfriends.  "Hurry, Robin, use your Batsuction cups to get up to the Batropes to get to the Batcopter on the roof of the Batcave!"

You know the most important thing you need?  A flashlight.  Why?  Because most superhero work takes place at night since most crime takes place at night.  At least most crime superheroes fight.  White collar crime takes place from 9-5 but superheroes don't give a shit about insider trading usually so whatever.  I think I'll go use my accounting knowledge to create a new hero:  The Auditor!  The Auditor uses his keen accounting skills to detect fraud, thereby saving money for ordinary citizens!  I should pitch this to the AICPA; I could probably get them to fund it.

Anyway, I'd say get one of those big heavy flashlights like cops use.  One of those big Maglite mothers that when you load it with batteries also works as a great club.  That way if the guns and knives I told you to buy don't work, you have something else to rely on.  You should also have a backup flashlight that's smaller, like a penlight for when the big honking flashlight is too cumbersome.

Another good thing to have:  a cell phone.  Why?  Well these days there aren't pay phones anywhere so after you beat up the bad guys and tie them up, how are you going to get the cops there to pick them up?  Or conversely if the bad guys beat the shit out of you and you're bleeding to death in an alley you need to be able to call for an ambulance.

Now since you don't want people to know your secret identity, get one of those little disposable prepaid cell phones and for God's sake don't buy it with your credit card!  At least that's what they always do on "Burn Notice" where it seems like the superspy runs through fifteen cell phones per episode.  (Incidentally, you should watch that and "MacGuyver" and stuff because you can learn interesting little tricks like turning a can of keyboard dusting spray upside down can freeze a lock so you can smash it open!)

If your disposable phone is good enough it might have some nice apps on it like say Google Maps so you can figure out where you're going.  If not you can buy something to do that I'm sure.

Since I mentioned it, you need something to tie up bad guys with.  Rope might work but it's not that portable.  You can probably buy some of those zip tie dealies the cops use online--like this.  If nothing else, get some sturdy duct tape and tape the wrists and ankles as tight as possible.

Something else you might want to look into is a lockpick kit.  They probably sell those online too.  At the very least keep a thin wire-type thing around in case you need to pick a lock and get in somewhere.  You can find out how to do that online.  I know because I looked it up once for a story.  Plus Russell Crowe does it in "The Next Three Days" by looking it up online and movies never lie, right?  Anyway, I'm just saying you should do that because if you're running around playing World's Greatest Detective you might need to get behind locked doors.  Try not to misuse those skills though.

This is probably just scratching the surface.  If you have a decent budget you can get all sorts of stuff like nightvision goggles and so forth.  Maybe you people have some ideas?

And let's not forget the mos essential thing any superhero needs:  Shark Repellent!

Next month I'll talk about superhero transportation...you know, if you can't fly or teleport or any of that stuff. In the meantime, Thursday I review Higher Power by Claire Lachance...

Practical Superheroism #4: Weapons of Choice

DISCLAIMER:  This column is intended for entertainment purposes only.  Actually trying to do anything suggested here will result in great bodily harm--for you.  Don't say I didn't warn you!

All right, so in Part 1 I suggested how to come up with a decent superhero name.

Part 2 dealt with how to make a practical costume.

Part 3 told you how to decide on a fighting style.

Now in Part 4 we're going to talk about weapons.  Fun!

Built-in weapons: how convenient!

A lot of superheroes luck out and don't need to go out and shop for weapons.  Superman's got his heat vision, Wolverine has built-in claws, and so on.  Others like Batman or Iron Man or Captain America have to obtain their own weapons, though the latter's was with your tax dollars.  (SOCIALISM!!!)  Still others like Thor or my own Scarlet Knight are provided their weapons by higher powers.

Scarlet Knight's Sword of Justice, courtesy of Merlin

The thing is, though, this column assumes you are not a billionaire weapons designer like Iron Man and you don't have a staff of weapons designers on your payroll like Batman.  Also I'm assuming you don't work for the US government like Captain America.  And you probably haven't had Odin or Merlin make any hammers or swords for you lately.  Remember, this is Practical Superheroism, not Pie-in-the-Sky Fantasizing Superheroism.  (Or is it?)

So we're shopping for weapons on a budget.  In the last column I talked about whether you should be more of a brawler or more of a ninja.  Either way, you know what you need:  a gun.  And you might say, "Well Batman doesn't use guns."  But again he has people to make him all sorts of cool Batarangs and non-lethal explosives and gases and whatnot.  Do you have that?  I didn't think so.

Look at this way:  most criminals have guns.  Hell, a lot of non-criminal people have guns.  I live near Detroit so trust me on this.  You go running into the mean streets with just a knife or club or something and you are literally bringing a knife to a gun fight.

In the wake of the Aurora, Colorado shooting it seems insensitive to suggest buying a gun.  But here's the other thing:  just because you have a gun doesn't mean you have to KILL anyone.  Just shoot people in the knee or something, if you can.  If you can't, then pray you have a "stand your ground" law in your state.  Or do like I saw in these "Wilderness Family" movies I saw as a kid and fire into the air a few times and then brandish the thing to get people's attention.

While we're at it, I'd suggest getting the highest-caliber, easiest to use weapon you can find.  I should also say not to get one that's so high-caliber it'll throw you back ten feet if you fire it.  If you're an average-height blob like me that might not be a problem but if you're on the smaller side, it's something to remember.  You really want something with some stopping power, unless you're Annie Oakley, in which case you've been dead for about 100 years.

Another way to go though is with a shotgun.  Then you don't get as much stopping power, but you get a wider coverage area.  That means you don't have to aim as well.  I'm sure on YouTube you can find a video of how to saw off a shotgun to make it more portable.  Yup.  Here's just the first one I found:

Really you might want to carry the shotgun on your back so you can use it in more crowded situations and then keep a smaller handgun for more limited engagements.  Also a shotgun makes a hell of a lot of noise (unless you have a silencer like in No Country for Old Men) so that might intimidate your opponents and send them running.  If it doesn't then you can still have a pistol. So really what I'd suggest is going to the nearest gun and knife show in your area.  Then you can look around, talk to dealers, and find something you like.  You'll probably get a better deal too than just waltzing into your nearest gun shop. While you're there, look for a knife or two as well.  Guns are great for longer range, but if things get in close you might want something to fall back on.  You don't necessarily need a Bowie knife or a Crocodile Dundee-type knife, just something you can carry and access easily.  Let's say a switchblade, maybe three inches or so?

You probably think it'd be cool to get some ninja weapons like a sword and throwing stars and that stuff.  You can go that route, but make sure you really know what you're doing with those.  That kind of stuff takes a lot of skill, which is why I recommend relying on more American weapons that are still probably made in China. Another awesome weapon would be flamethrowers like Azrael Batman, but that would probably be too messy. It should go without saying (but let's say it anyway) that you should PRACTICE using any weapons you purchase.  Get a membership at a local gun range.  Practice opening and closing the knife so you don't cut your damned hand off.  Practice a lot before you decide to hit the streets so you don't look like a dumbass and get yourself killed. So we have handgun, shotgun (optional), and knife.  Maybe get more than one knife.  That might set you back a couple hundred dollars, which is probably 1% of what Batman or Iron Man spend on all their stuff.   And it should go without saying (but I'll say it anyway) not to use your weapons against crowds of moviegoers or anything like that.  This is Practical SuperHEROism, not Practical SuperVILLAINY, that's the blog down the hall.

Next month, we'll talk about some other stuff to take with you during those lonely nights of patrolling the city. 

Meanwhile, tomorrow I ramble on about Azrael and his influence on A Hero's Journey...

Practical Superheroism #3: Fight Club

Disclaimer:  This column is for entertainment purposes only.  Construing anything in this column as actual advice will lead you to most likely getting your ass whupped, which will probably be filmed and loaded to YouTube so that you become a laughingstock long after your death.  Is that what you want?  Then yeah, don't try this at home, fool.

OK, so now you've got your super cool name and your awesome costume.  It's time to go fight evil, right?  Slow down there, buddy.  Before you can fight evil it would probably help to know how to fight.  This column isn't nearly long enough to teach you everything you need to know, though, but if you look at Google Maps or White Pages online or something you can probably find places that can teach you boxing, martial arts, etc.

For today I'm going to focus on what kind of fighting style you should employ.  And to do that I'm going to use two examples from my novel A Hero's Journey.  (In part to keep reminding you how supercool the book is for whenever it gets released.)

Percival Graves

First we have the more traditional style.  This is embodied by Percival Graves, the Scarlet Knight from roughly 1946-1971.  Percival was a big guy, like six-four, 250+ pounds, and just in general built like a linebacker.  Having grown up on the mean streets of London, Percy had gotten into his share of fights on the schoolyard and in pubs and such.  He also served as an infantryman during World War II, so he was trained in hand-to-hand combat.

Given his size and background, Percy was pretty much a brawler.  He didn't try any fancy kicks or throws or any of that stuff.  He'd just bash you in the jaw with a solid haymaker.  That was pretty much the style of "Golden Age" superheroes in the comic books right on through the Adam West Batman TV show--POW!

Emma Earl

Now contrast that with the more modern style employed by the latest Scarlet Knight, Dr. Emma Earl.  Emma's tall for a woman (about six feet) but she's also pretty skinny.  She keeps herself in shape primarily through jogging, so she's not weak by any means.  Her fighting background is pretty skimpy, consisting of one unsuccessful fight against a bully in third grade and a self-defense course in college.  As a voracious reader and quick learner she also studied some martial arts, but she doesn't really have a chance to use any of that until donning the Scarlet Knight's armor.

Anyway, since she's shorter and skinnier than Percy, she's not well-suited to brawling.  Instead, she relies on speed and agility to defeat her opponents.  She uses her legs far more to deliver vicious kicks instead of clumsy punches.

Or to sum it up, Percy is more like a boxer while Emma is more like a ninja.

And the point of all that is to say you should figure out which fighting style would work best for you.  If you're built more like Percy, you probably aren't going to be all that fast and agile for kung-fu shit.  If you're smaller and thinner like Emma, you're not going to want to go toe-to-toe with dudes much bigger than you.  And if you're a big fat blob like me, you should really just stay home and watch MMA fights on TV.

Once you figure out how you want to fight, go do what I suggested earlier and look for someone in your local area to teach you.  It will set you back a few bucks and it will take some time to develop, but it'll be worth it when you're not ending up a bruised and bloody piece of meat in an alley.  I'm just saying.

Now that you know a little about what kind of fighting skills to employ, next month we'll talk about weapons.  Hooray!

Just for Michael Offutt, here's another picture of Butler Blue II, desecrating the entrance to Notre Dame.

The shooting in Colorado last week has brought back the Grumpy Bulldog once more to talk about gun control tomorrow...

Practical Superheroism #2: Form vs. Function

DISCLAIMER:  This column is intended for entertainment purposes.  The advice given here should not ever, under any circumstances, be used in real life.  Not unless you want to get the shit beat out of you and/or killed.  And if you do, there are probably easier ways to go about it.  I'm just saying.

So when we last left our prospective hero, he/she had come up with a really clever and awesome name.  Or probably a not awesome or clever name, but let's assume at least a name.  Now that you've got an identity, you need a costume to go with it.

Yellow spandex kind of stands out...

In the comic books, superheroes have bright, flashy costumes made of stuff like yellow spandex.  More often than not those costumes are toned down a bit in the movies because let's face it, bright yellow spandex is godawful and not very practical.  But if you have regenerative powers and a skeleton of adamantium I suppose it doesn't really matter what you wear.

See how well Batman blends in?

But here in the real world where you don't have regenerative powers or a skeleton made of adamantium, you really need to think safety first.  In particular you need to think of camouflage.  If you think of special ops soldiers like Navy SEALs or Army Green Berets and so forth they don't run around in yellow spandex either.  Because when you're trying to sneak into Osama bin Laden's compound in Pakistan or whatever, you want to be as inconspicuous as possible.  And since you'll probably be doing most of your business at night, you really want to think of muted colors like black, grays, etc., which aren't really colors in a sense.

(At this point if you've chosen a name like The Peacock you might want to reconsider.  Actually you should have reconsidered a long time ago.)

And you might say, "Well you write about a Scarlet Knight who wears a bright yellow cape."  But her armor is magic to protect her from bullets and such, so again it doesn't matter so much if she blends in or not.  She also happens to have the ultimate camouflage in a cape that lets her turn invisible.  You do not have that luxury unless you've happened to find a case of red plate armor created by Merlin the wizard 4,000 years ago.

The second-most important thing besides camouflage is protection.  I'm not talking about condoms, either.  (Though you might want to keep one handy if you run into some damsel in distress--or whatever the male version of that is.)  I'm talking about the type of padding that will minimize the pain and bruises when someone knocks you on your ass, as is inevitable.

At this point you might want to remember that scene in "The Dark Knight" where the imitation Batmen show up to foil a drug deal.  If you notice they're wearing hockey pads and baseball catching gear and such.  This is a good way to get low-cost body protection.  Unless you're a cop or soldier who might have access or a billionaire playboy with a multinational corporation you probably can't get bulletproof vests or sweet Kevlar-mesh armor.  If you can't afford a trip to Dick's or another sporting goods store, then as a last resort you could always strap some cookie sheets or similar metal objects to your body.  It probably won't be that much help, but it's better than nothing.

Though when you're looking for protection, make sure you get something lightweight and flexible, especially if you're going to be doing any martial arts stuff.  You don't want to go shambling around like the Frankenstein monster--unless that's your schtick.  I would also say an anti-concussion helmet and for guys a cup is a good way to go.

Whatever you do, make sure you cover your face as much as possible.  Maybe in comic books they can't figure out that Clark Kent is Superman and Diana Prince is Wonder Woman because the secret identity wears glasses, but chances are in the real world someone will be able to figure that out.  And just wearing one of those little domino masks isn't a good idea either.  If you don't have a full helmet then put on a ski mask or something similar to that so most of your face is covered.  That way when the wanted posters come out someone won't be able to finger you so easily.

Finally, I get annoyed when people quote that "No capes" line from The Incredibles when I talk about my hero because her cape actually has a couple of useful purposes.  Since it's magic, it lets her turn invisible and makes for a parachute.  But again you don't have access to magic--so no capes.

Now presumably you have some kind of costume.  Next month we'll start in on your fighting style.  (Mine is possum style, as in go down and pretend to be dead.)

Tomorrow is my long, rambling commentary on watching all seven seasons of "Star Trek:  Deep Space Nine."  I'm sure you're thrilled.

Practical Superheroism #1: What's in a Name?

First, the disclaimer.  I should ask Briane Pagel to write this for me so it sounds all legal and stuff.
  
Anyway, these columns are only meant for entertainment purposes.  You absolutely should not attempt to do any of this yourself because you will end up getting your ass kicked if not outright killed and I don't want you or your relatives suing me because you were so dumb that you took this "advice" seriously.  Got it?  Good.

So let's say you're tired of superheroes being relegated to comic books, movies, and TV and you want to go out there and be a real masked avenger.  How would you go about it?  Well lucky for you I've got it all figured out.

Scarlet Knight: much better than Pink Bunny

First, what you need is a name.  A good name that can inspire fear in your enemies.  A crummy hero name will make it tough for people to take you seriously.  Say you beat up a purse-snatcher in an alley and then hiss, "I'm the Pink Bunny" how ridiculous you'd sound.  The criminals would probably laugh you right off the street.  I remember reading a book where one of the superheroes was called "The Science Pirate" and I thought, "That's just a terrible name."  It doesn't really strike fear into me, nor I'm sure anyone else.  The pirate part is OK, but science doesn't really strike fear into the hearts of people except the GOP.  And as much as I love Watchmen, most of the heroic names in that are pretty lame.

So find yourself a good name.  Of course in the comics and such the name isn't always the first thing that comes along.  Some heroes like Superman don't really name themselves.  Some like Green Lantern or the Scarlet Knight get theirs by becoming part of a secret society.  Others like Spider-Man take their name from their special powers.

But unless you've been bitten by a radioactive spider recently, chances are you don't have any actual superpowers.  Which would make you like Batman.  When Bruce Wayne decided he wanted to fight crime, he realized he needed a name.  Not just any old name, but something that would inspire fear and terror in his enemies.  Then conveniently a bat flew into the room and the rest is history.

Fear the Grumpy Bulldog

So first you might want to look around and see if there are any scary animals in the immediate vicinity.  Probably not.  Most of the cool animals have already been taken in any case.  Though you could always go by The Grumpy Bulldog.  That has a certain ring to it.

If you don't have any scary animals handy, then look at the sports page.  You'll see a lot of animals but also other things like Warriors, Trojans, and of course Knights.  You might even notice that Rutgers is home of the Scarlet Knights, something that played zero part in my character's name.  (I didn't even know Rutgers was a school until I did a Web search of my potential character name.)  There are also a lot of animals:  Lions, Tigers, and Bears, oh my!  Including wimpy animals like Jayhawks or Cardinals.  And some really dumb ones like Boilermakers, Bluejackets, Cornhuskers, or Chemics.  (My high school's team name was the Chemics and my college's team name the Cardinals, so I didn't get very lucky there.)

If that doesn't spark anything, you might want to check out some articles on mythology on Wikipedia.  Look up some ancient heroes, demigods, and gods.  Or goddesses if you're a woman.  (It's probably important to note if you are a woman you shouldn't name yourself after a man or it might be kind of confusing to people.)  You can start with the Greek/Roman or Norse ones and then maybe move on to other cultures and see if any of them have a good ring to it.  Try to find one that isn't too long though.

As a last resort, get out your thesaurus (or find one online) and look up heroic words like "hero" or "warrior" or "avenger" and maybe you can find something.

If you still don't have anything, don't feel bad.  Maybe you just need to figure out your skill set first.  If you do have an awesome name then before you go any farther, check it out online and make sure no one else is using it.  After all, you don't want to get sued, right?