The Animators: A Case Study in How NOT to Write a Novel

You ever read a book that just really, really pisses you off because it's just so fucking terrible that it makes you wonder how the hell it ever got published?  I mean all these agents and editors and published authors tell you all this stuff not to do or to do and then you read a book that sucks so much and yet somehow got professionally published so it really doesn't make any sense.

That's what this book The Animators was for me.  I hated it on pretty much every level.  As it wore on I just really, really absolutely hated it.  But even though I bought it for only $2 I didn't want to just quit on it so I kept plowing ahead and it just kept grating more and more, like when you get a stone in your shoe and it just won't come out.

I already talked about how much I hated the medical drama and how it derailed the book.  But wait, there's more!  Much more!  Here's the list from my Goodreads review with some additional thoughts in red.

First, I feel like the description lied to me. I thought it was about two female animators and their struggles in a male-dominated industry. Like The Adventures of Kavalier & Clay with women animators in the 21st Century. That's not really how it plays out. After they have a falling out because of Mel's behavior, everything is conveniently solved by Sharon having a stroke. It just felt like such a cheap way to bring them back together because it's basically a deus ex machina; it's like a god threw a thunderbolt down to knock Sharon out. (OK, I already covered one, but still.)

Second, even before the stroke Sharon is an overgrown child. She has no ability to be on her own. When Mel's not around she basically curls up in the fetal position, all but unable to fend for herself. Through the story she needs Mel, their agent Donnie (who is a woman), a former childhood friend, her mom, and a new boyfriend to take care of her because she's so unable to care for herself that at one point she walks into the street without pants or underwear. At 32-33 years old you should be able to live on your own even if someone dies. Most of us don't have the luxury to wallow in our filth for months after someone dies; we have to actually go on living. (As my counter to this in the sixth Scarlet Knight book Emma's daughter "dies" shortly after birth and Emma gets put in the psych ward after almost crippling a couple of orderlies. In the psych ward she realizes the horrible thing that life goes on. Her daughter is dead but she has to go on living: eating, sleeping, reading books, and so on to fill the hours. Because even if you want to, you can't just curl up in a fucking ball like a fucking baby.)

Third, while Mel and Sharon are creative in their drawing they have no imagination when it comes to stories. Their first movie "Nashville Combat" was based on Mel's relationship with her mother. Their next movie "Irrefutable Love" is based on Sharon's life. They don't seem to have any ability to actually imagine anything except a feminine hygiene product commercial. Then Sharon gets mad when her old childhood friend doesn't want her to use his childhood trauma in the movie about her. (Her childhood friend's dad was a pedophile who didn't really abuse him but took naked pictures of young girls. So far as I know Sharon wasn't one of them but for some dumb reason--lack of imagination--she has to use this in the movie (names changed to protect the innocent) even though she knows--or should--people will be able to know who it really is and will ask him things he doesn't want to talk about. It's just selfish on her part and it serves no real purpose in terms of her movie because it's not really HER experience. I mean if you're making a movie about you, why do you need to include someone else's trauma? So I was totally on the friend's side, which is just another reason to hate this fucking book.)

Fourth, the notebook. Sharon makes this notebook of a bunch of people she dated or imagined dating. It's such a huge deal for her that she can't tell Mel about it until after the stroke and then it's like she's revealing the secrets of UFOs or Bigfoot or something. And I kept thinking, so what? Why do I care who you imagined about going out with? Everyone has a list of people they've considered going out with; they just don't write it all down in a notebook. I just never saw the significance the author obviously thought this had. (I don't know if I have an actual LIST in my head, but I think we've all seen someone at the store or Starbucks or wherever and thought she/he was cute and thought about asking her/him out. Big fucking whoop. It's not like the nuclear launch codes or plans to the Death Star. Get over yourself already. Fucking snowflake.)

Fifth, the author is the sort of fool who introduces an important new character at 94%. Not even a hint of this character until then. So despite how important he is to Sharon's life we hardly have time to learn anything about him. Then the author introduces a bunch of new coworkers. Since the book is 97% over why do I even care? I'm not going to bother remembering them; it's not like there will be a sequel and even then I wouldn't want to read it. (I mean really it's so goddamned annoying when authors do this. Oh, hey, I found the love of my life right at the end of the book! With no foreshadowing or anything. It's not someone we met earlier--to my knowledge--or in any way prepared the reader for. It's just, "I met this guy and we fell in love!" Oh, hey, awesome. There's no time to create a REAL character or relationship in the amount of time left though so they'll never end up as more than a two-dimensional cutout. And introducing all these coworkers seemed fairly pointless because as I said why would I bother remembering a slew of people you shoehorned in at the end who really have no purpose to the story? The one female one you could have maybe passed off as Sharon/Mel: The Next Generation but in that case you really should have had two female coworkers. Or really How It Should Have Ended: Sharon should have gone into teaching and encountered two students like her and Mel to bring it back to where the book started with them meeting at school in a drawing class so the whole thing could have gone full circle.)

(Sixth, something I didn't really want to talk about much for spoilers: Mel dies of an overdose and that's what causes Sharon to go fetal for like a month. The thing is, this didn't happen with like no warning signs. There were TONS of warning signs! Mel was frequently drunk and using drugs (pot and harder stuff) and yet Sharon does NOTHING about this. None of her "friends" do anything about it. They all pretty much write it off as, "Oh that's just her." Even as the problem gets worse, no one says anything. No one holds an intervention or anything. Then she dies and Sharon goes into the fetal position and everyone acts so bummed out. So why didn't any of you morons DO anything? She had the money to go to fucking rehab; why didn't any of you assholes drag her there? Don't blubber about how much you cared about her when you just let her slowly kill herself.)
Technically the writing was fine, nothing special. That at least was one thing I didn't hate. But in every other way this was awful.


There you go.  Just so many things that if you're a writer you really shouldn't do.  Don't make your character a whiny little brat who curls into a ball any time something bad happens.  Don't make your character so selfish she thinks her dumb crushes are like some huge important secret.  Don't have your character exploit someone else's trauma for her gain.  Don't introduce the love of your character's life when there's not enough time to do anything with it.  Don't introduce a bunch of new characters when there's no time for them to be worth remembering.  Don't have your characters be so fucking dumb they just let their best friend die of an overdose when it was so freaking obvious she had a fucking problem with booze/drugs.

Anyway, since I absolutely hated this book I'm sure it'll win a Pultizer, National Book Award, and eventually an Oscar when the big movie adaptation staring Reese Witherspoon or Nicole Kidman or whoever comes out.  That's the way life goes; I ought to just curl up into a ball. lol