#AtoZChallenge Haunted Houses

Haunted house stories have been a staple of literature and movies for a long, long time.  And, well, not all of them are very good.  In fact, many of them are probably not very good.  So naturally there are some featured on MST3K and Rifftrax.

Ghosthouse:  This movie is unintentionally hilarious just because the plot is so, so illogical.  A guy in Boston is dicking around with his HAM radio, trying to find out who's more popular in Denver:  Kelly LeBrock or Kim Basinger, when he hears someone screaming for help and then dying.  He and his vaguely European girlfriend trace the signal to an old house in the country.

They find an RV and in the attic is a guy named Jim Daylen with his HAM radio set up.  Jim broke into this abandoned house to set up his radio in the attic.  I mean since he, his sister, his brother, and his brother's girlfriend were tired they might as well stop at this house and break in to do some HAM radioing.  You know, that old story.

Then of course Jim Daylen is killed exactly how it sounds on the broadcast the other guy heard on his radio.  At this point they should really just leave, but no they stay to try to figure out what's going on while they're killed one-by-one by a little girl and her evil clown doll.

The final act they just throw all story logic out the window to throw random scares at you.  Jim Daylen's brother falls through a floor into some white liquid.  Milk?  Cream?  Ranch sauce?  And why the hell is it under the house?  His girlfriend for some reason decides the haunted house where several people have died is the perfect place for taking a shower and then is chased by a dog that turns into a Grim Reaper covered in maggots.  Because...why not?

But ultimately the girl is saved when the guy from Boston destroys the evil girl's grave.  And yet the evil clown doll survives to later have a bus hit him.  So there.  Don't mess with clown dolls.

The bat shit craziness makes this a fun Rifftrax to watch.

Rock n Roll Nightmare:  Almost as bat shit crazy as Ghosthouse, this features a crappy hair metal band going to a country house to work on a new album.  Fortunately for the music world the band starts being killed by crappy claymation puppets that are like rejects from Gumby.

The lead singer is the last one left when the big bad head devil reveals himself.  In an M. Night twist the lead singer then reveals none of the band members were real.  So, um, the one he had sex with wasn't real?  Does that count as masturbating?  There's a really awful fight between the crappy devil puppet and the lead singer wearing only spiky metal underwear.  No matter who wins, we lose.

There is some story logic at least but the "monsters" are so ludicrously lame that it's really not scary in the slightest.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House:  It's like The Beverly Hillbillies meets Scooby-Doo, only in live action.  Three "hillbillys" are driving to a gig or something and stop at an abandoned house.  Or at least they think it's abandoned.  They must be Jim Daylen's parents because they're just as dumb about breaking into an abandoned house and rummaging around in it and stuff.

What they don't know is that the house is being used by evil scientists played by horror movie legends John Carradine, Lon Cheney, and Basil Rathbone.  And kooky mayhem and bad songs ensue.

The House on Haunted Hill:  As I said about a year ago, this one isn't so much bad as it's just old.  Like Hillbillys in a Haunted House it's about as scary as a Scooby-Doo episode.  It stars Vincent Price as a millionaire who for his wife's birthday invites five seemingly random people to a supposedly haunted house.  There are some mild scares about as good as a Paranormal Activity movie as people go around the house.

There are a couple of twists as Vincent Price's wife fakes her death to lure him into a trap, but he fakes his death to trap and kill her instead.  That's some extreme couples therapy!

Like I said a year ago, this is one I actually don't mind watching that much even without the Rifftrax.

The Screaming Skull:  This old 50s movie provides what it promises:  a screaming skull.  A woman moves into a house with her husband and is terrorized by visions of a screaming skull.  At first she suspects the creepy handyman Mickey is setting her up, but then she starts to think she really is crazy.  But it turns out it's been her husband all along.  Basically it's like the 1940s movie Gaslight only without Ingrid Bergman or any other actors of note.

This is one of those that's bad mostly because it's boring.  It might be scary if you're like 7 years old, but most grown ups would probably be more scared going to jury duty.

This was a MST3K episode, but obviously not one of the best.  In one of the skits Crow tries to scare Mike by pretending to be a screaming skull and instead gets beaten with a variety of implements like a baseball and golf club by the terrified Mike.  Maybe the lady in the movie should have tried that--or just about anything.