Laser Mission: Like the kung-fu movies in the previous entry this features a lot of gratuitous violence and a plot that makes little sense. You know what it doesn't feature? Lasers! Yet it's a "laser mission." Um...yeah.
The late Brandon Lee stars as a mercenary man who goes...somewhere to meet with a German scientist played by the late Ernest Borgnine. The description for the regular movie on Amazon says he goes to Cuba but his cover is an American businessman, which is impossible because of the American embargo, right? When Ernest Borgnine is kidnapped by...someone, Brandon Lee goes to...somewhere else to try to find him with the help of a baby doll-voiced woman who claims to be Ernest Borgnine's daughter.
Wherever they go has a desert and palm trees and stuff and yet there are also people speaking Spanish. Maybe it's supposed to be Morocco or Algeria? I don't know. It's one of the few times when a movie really needs to put the location on the screen since there aren't any easily recognizable landmarks. Which is probably because this was made on the cheap by a German production company.
The fights are pretty lame and the bad guys are a hodge-podge of Germans, Cubans, and British Russians that you really have no idea what the hell is supposed to be going on. And where the hell is the laser?
I do feel a little bad laughing at this since Brandon Lee died so tragically, but it is that bad. At least he died making an actually good movie. That's something. Here, enjoy the theme song played about 10,000 times during the movie.
Laserblast: Unlike Laser Mission, this actually has a laser! And really cheesy effects, especially the crappy claymation aliens who speak in gibberish without subtitles.
The "story" is that an alien crashes on Earth with his laser blaster. The above-mentioned crappy-looking aliens kill him but inadvertently leave the gun behind. So a teenager named Billy finds the gun and starts using it to get revenge on some bullies and cops hassling him. But when he uses it it turns his face green (but not his hair) and this chunk of metal forms on his chest. At one point he hilariously shoots a sign that simply reads "Star Wars." Because this movie was clearly going to replace Star Wars in the hearts and minds of people, right? Yeah, right.
He's going on a rampage in his California hometown that for some reason suddenly looks like a 40s New York set when the crappy aliens reappear and kill him. The end. Um, yay? So kids if you ever find a laser gun in the desert, don't use it! Now you know...and knowing is half the battle!
This was a MST3K episode notable because it was the last on Comedy Central. Since they weren't sure they would get picked up somewhere else it was written as a series finale. Dr. Forrester releases the Satellite of Love, which winds up careening through space. In one intermission sketch Mike dons a Captain Janeway costume to steer the ship away from a black hole. In the end the crew reaches the edge of the universe and turn themselves into pure energy. Meanwhile in an end riffing on 2001: A Space Odyssey, Dr. Forrester sees glimpses of his future self and then turns into a baby again. It was the final appearance of Trace Beaulieu as Dr. Forrester and Crow T Robot on the show.
Sadly Kim Milford, the "star" of this movie died tragically in 1988 so I guess there's a depressing additional theme to this entry.
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