A lot of old movies didn't run the 90 minutes or so to fill a full MST3K episode so they would supplement the movie with an old short film. Some were the old serials like The Phantom Creeps starring Bela Lugosi or Commander Cody. There were also old episodes of General Hospital and Gumby.
But most of them were the "educational" movies you might have seen in school. My first job was working in the Instructional Media Center for the Midland Public Schools where they kept films and videos sent to schools when a teacher needed a break from teaching. The old films I had to rewind and sometimes splice them back together if they broke. I'm sure a lot of the movies we had in there are the same ones they showed on MST3K and later on Rifftrax.
There are so many that I can't do them all, but here are some of the favorites.
The Norman Cycle: These are a series of "educational" films that are educational in theory only. I really have no idea what the point of these was as they're mostly just a lot of bad physical comedy starring a balding middle-aged salesman named Norman Krasner.
The first one was in 1974 and called Krasner, Norman: Beloved Husband of Irma. According to IMDB it's about Norman attempting to cope with stress. I haven't really seen this one, though I probably could if I ever bothered to go to the Rifftrax site or use the app.
In 1979 there came Welcome Back Norman. This was featured on Night of the Shorts, a live show from San Francisco's Sketchfest in 2013, and also the live show of Manos the Hands of Fate. It's about Norman arriving home from a business trip and trying to leave the airport. He encounters all sorts of hazards like cars making it hard for him to get into his huge 70s vehicle, leaving his briefcase on top of the car, an old couple at the parking gate who can't find their ticket, and then plain old getting lost. I kind of wonder if the airport is Metro Airport in Romulus as the plates on the cars look like Michigan ones from back in the day, but I can't be positive. The educational message of this is...don't park at airports?
In 1984 there was Norman Checks In, which was featured during the live show of Birdemic. As you might guess, it's about Norman checking into a motel. There's a big taxidermy convention--which is a thing, I guess--so Norman has to be moved to the improbable room 13X. And then he has all sorts of troubles like the water going off in mid-shower, the maid cleaning his room while he's in the shower so that he surprises her when he's nude except for a layer of soap, and a malfunctioning vibrating bed. Plus annoying neighbors and bright neon lights. The educational message of this is...never go to motels?
Finally in 1989 there was Norman Gives a Speech, where Norman, wait for it, has to make a speech. But some of his slides are sucked up by a cleaning woman, he drops his notes in the toilet, and on the way to the speech he's knocked down in the hall and winds up on crutches. Then when he's finally going to make the speech the fire alarm goes off and the sprinklers are set off, drenching him. The end. The educational message of this is...don't make speeches?
That was it for Norman and apparently Douglas MacIntosh never acted in anything else until he died in Royal Oak, MI in 2012. Sad.
Setting Up a Room: This is exactly what it says: two women setting up a kindergarten room. In real time. It's about 30 minutes of women moving around furniture or talking about moving around furniture. It is even more boring than it sounds. Seriously they should force terrorists to watch this to get them to reveal their secrets. By the second showing they'd have probably revealed everything they know. This was featured on Night of the Shorts 2015 also from Sketchfest in San Francisco, only it was split into 2 parts to make it slightly more tolerable. They also show it on Pluto TV all in one go, which is much worse.
A Case of Spring Fever: This was both on MST3K and in the Rifftrax Live Sharknado show. A guy who looks like a chubbier, balder Norman is trying to fix a couch when he wishes he'd never see a spring again. So a cartoon spring called Coily makes all springs in the world disappear. Apparently springs are in everything from couches to doors to your car seat. We can't live without them! Save us Coily! Thankfully Coily returns the world to normal. Then the second half is this guy droning on to all his soon-to-be-ex-friends about how awesome springs are. It really makes you want to go buy a few cases of Slinkies. I'm not sure this was really necessary. I mean was there a surplus of springs that required education on their value? Was there some rival technology like Betamax or HD-DVD that needed stamped out? There's a similar one on Rifftrax about paper where a talking paper bag makes all paper disappear to show a little boy--and the world--how important paper is. Then when they're done the boy blows into the bag and pops it; seems like kind of jerk way to dispose of the paper bag, sort of like how Dr. Manhattan explodes Rorschach in Watchmen. I mean did you have explode it? You couldn't let it die more peacefully?
Masks of Grass: There's a company called ACI that made some really weird shorts. One of them shown before Rifftrax Live Carnival of Souls was called Masks of Grass. It shows kids how to turn weeds, cardboard, tape, glue, and other crap into really creepy masks. Why any kid would do this even in the 70s I have no idea. Maybe for Halloween if you want to freak people out. Another one, shown during the 2013 Sketchfest was called At Your Fingertips: Cylinders. It was about using cylinders like paper towel rolls, toilet paper rolls, and oatmeal canisters to make shit like cardboard robot "kites." Again why anyone would do this, I have no idea.
The Dirt Witch: Also in Rifftrax Live Carnival of Souls was this short called "The Dirt Witch" about, wait for it, a dirty witch. She decides then that if she's dirty, everyone should be dirty. So she as a farmer fall down in his pig sty, a house painter get covered in pink paint, and some boys play football in a field that turns to mud. But then a little girl sees the witch and helps her bathe. As the riffers say, "Kids, don't just go home with strangers--bathe them!" Um, yeah, that's just a little creepy. I don't think GI Joe would do that for one of their PSAs.
Safety Woman: A couple of Rifftrax shorts introduced one of the lamest superheroes ever: Safety Woman! By day she's a mild-mannered freelance architect and crossing guard, but by...also day, she dons a silver jumpsuit, big sunglasses, and a red headband to become Guardiana, the Safety Woman. She has a wand given to her by helium-voiced aliens that allows her to teleport and stop accidents from befalling children. Then she harangues them about fire safety, gun safety, ladder safety, boat safety, and so on. Basically everything can be deadly if you try hard enough. There are two episodes, one that's shown on Pluto TV as part of a Rifftrax Superheroes special and in a Night of the Shorts. There's a second one also shown in a Night of the Shorts, though I forget which one.
Measuring Man: Another lame "superhero" with a short, Measuring Man is a milkman who turns into a skinny Clark Kent wearing a Superman cape and bodysuit. He abducts a kid to "measuring land" to harangue him about standard units of measurement. Because you need a superhero for that, not just a math tutor.
Last Clear Chance and X Marks the Spot: These two safe driving shorts were featured on MST3K. They aren't as gruesome as the infamous Red Asphalt but they aren't all that pleasant either. Last Clear Chance was featured before the movie Radar Secret Service, which was on the short side so this one is like 20 minutes long. It's about a state trooper in Idaho or Iowa or somewhere like that who goes to a farm to harangue the family about safe driving because their youngest son just got his license. After this lecture, guess what happens? The older brother and his girlfriend go out and don't look at a railroad crossing to end up splattered right in front of the younger brother. A train engineer asks, "Why don't they look?" And then the state trooper vows to pull over anyone driving unsafely. Hooray? X Marks the Spot I forget which movie it was shown before. It starts off with some New Jersey government official making a really stilted, boring speech. Then it goes to the story of a bad driver who dies and goes to Purgatory or something where his frustrated guardian angel tells a judge how badly the guy drives despite the angel's best efforts. At the end, the judge leaves it up to us to decide what should happen to the guy. Burn him! Burn him!
Hired!: This was actually two parts on two different MST3K episodes I can't remember right now. Anyway, in part 1 a new Chevy salesman in 1940 is having a tough time going door-to-door selling cars, which apparently was a thing back then. In Part 2 his boss laments how these young people today (the "Greatest Generation") are a bunch of lazy slackers and his dad asks him what he's done to help his salesmen to which the boss has no answer so he goes and helps the salesman and everyone lives happily ever after...for about a year until Pearl Harbor. I noted in a previous blog how ironic it is that the boss's attitude about what came to be the Greatest Generation is the same as Boomers about Millennials. Anyway, in one of the MST3K episodes they do a musical version of this during one of the intermission sketches. It's funny if you watch Joel in the background when Gypsy attempts to sing his face is like, "Holy shit, what the fuck is that?!"
What to Do On a Date: This is one they show in an episode of MST3K but also on its own on Pluto TV. This is from the 50s and it's about this total dumbass named Nick who can't think of anything to do on a date. So his friend suggests that he take this girl Kay to the community center to help set up a "scavenger sale" which I guess is like a rummage sale. And then he looks at the bulletin board and comes up with all sorts of other lame ideas like weenie roasts and bike rides. Dude, come on, you're supposed to take her for a drive and then "run out of gas," not do charity work. Haven't you ever watched movies or TV shows? Well I guess it was the 50s. Later in the MST3K episode Tom Servo asks Gypsy (the only female) on a date and it does not go well.
Parents, Who Needs Them?: This short was featured before the Rifftrax Live show of Sharknado 2. It's from the early 70s and features a creepy clown puppet showing a kid what his parents do. The kid initially tosses the puppet away so the puppet makes the boy invisible so he can follow his parents around to see all the things he takes for granted. This being the early 70s the mom stays at home to clean and cook. Meanwhile the dad works at a slaughterhouse or something like that and then comes home to fix stuff. Once the kid realizes how much his parents do for him he turns visible again. The kid is badly dubbed, sounding like Kenny in Gamera. It's kind of funny for me that the kid's parents look pretty much like how my parents looked in the 70s, especially the dad. The mom also looks like an older Velma from Scooby-Doo. Jinkies.
Shorty the Chimp the Fireman: This was featured before the Rifftrax Live show of Time Chasers. It's an old one from the 30s or 40s about, wait for it, a chimp named Shorty who goes to work for the local fire department. He gets to smoke a cigar and rescues a little girl's doll--by rescue I mean he climbs out a window for it and then hurls it to the ground. I don't think PETA would approve of this one.
The Chicken of Tomorrow: This is on the MST3K episode called The Brute Man. That movie was fairly short so this was like the first 20 minutes or so. It's all about how to grow bigger, better chickens. And not organically either. This is pretty much the opposite of that, or how to grow chickens in a way PETA would bitch about. There was an elaborate science to it from how to build their coops to what to feed them to how productive the hens should be. It's really, really...boring.
Cheating: I forget what the full title of this is but it was shown before the MST3K movie The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman. It's a 50s short about a kid named Johnny who's in the student council and got friends and everything--until he asks his friend Mary to help him cheat on a test. When he's found out he's voted out of the student council and loses his friends. So, cheaters never prosper. Ha. Throughout the rest of the episode, Crow T Robot cheats off Gypsy's paper for an essay contest and is then shunned by his fellow bots until after a non-apology he's sentenced to eating Hostess Sno-Balls with the others. Who says cheaters don't prosper?
What is Nothing?: Another one of those I think they show in a Rifftrax Live show but also on its own. Two little kids pontificate on what nothing means. They pretty much sound like a couple of stoners after a few joints; that's probably how this got written.
Drugs are Like That: This is probably in a live show but also it's on its own on Pluto TV. It's a 70s short where some lady keeps saying that drugs are like...anything. I mean, think of anything and drugs are like that somehow. Taxidermy, Polish sausage, nuclear war, sweater vests--drugs are like that! But it does feature some cool Lego building.
Why Doesn't Cathy Eat Breakfast?: This is one shown on Pluto TV with some of the other ones in this entry. It's about a girl named Cathy in the 70s and the narrator badgers her about why she doesn't eat breakfast. But guess what? The film never answers the question! It remains a mystery; someone call Mulder and Scully!
Shake Hands With Danger: From the director of Carnival of Souls comes this short about workplace safety. Mostly construction vehicles and stuff like that. There's a lot of twangy guitar and this Sam Elliott-sounding guy who says stuff like, "Well, friend, if you don't tie down your load you're shaking hands with danger." I don't think Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor ever watched this; Home Improvement was like a whole series of Shake Hands With Danger moments. This was on a Rifftrax Live show at some point but again I don't remember which one.
Flying Stewardess: This was part of the entertainment before the first Rifftrax Live show, Plan 9 From Outer Space. It's a 30s or 40s film about becoming a stewardess. Back then people dressed up to travel and there were sleeping bunks and real meals prepared. It really shows you that while planes are bigger and more powerful, the actual traveling isn't really better. Since it's from the 30s or 40s there's also a lot of sexism in that there are no male stewards and goes on about the girls preparing for marriage, though they can't marry pilots because they're all taken already. Ha, yeah, right.
Progress Island: This 60s short before the MST3K episode Beast of Yucca Flats really should have been shown to Trump and Republicans after the hurricane devastated Puerto Rico. It's about Puerto Rico and says controversial stuff like Puerto Rico is a part of America. It goes into the various industries and cultural attractions it has to offer. Some people could definitely have used a refresher on this.
There are so many more that are all pretty unintentionally hilarious.
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