(I also thought of calling this "The Many Ways to Kill Harrison Ford" but that might have gotten me a visit from the FBI. Of course I only mean killing him in movies, not real life.)
A couple of months ago I was watching Blade Runner 2049, which is supposed to take place 30 years after the first movie that starred Harrison Ford as Deckard. At the end of that movie, Deckard and the android Rachel disappear; in the director's cut they go off into the forest or something. They live happily ever after, right?
Nope. In the sequel it's revealed that they split up after Deckard knocks Rachel up with a baby. (Is it an android or human or hybrid? I don't know.) Rachel dies in childbirth while the kid is brought up in a brutal orphanage before being adopted. She never sees her daddy until the very end of the movie. I guess that's something, right?
But that got me thinking that this is pretty much the same as the Star Wars movies. In Return of the Jedi Leia and Han finally get together. They live happily ever after, right? Nope. In The Force Awakens their son is a psychopath and Han and Leia break up, him going back to smuggling with Chewie and Leia leading the Resistance. Then Han is murdered by his own son!
Indiana Jones gets back together with Karen Allen and connects with his estranged son in the fourth movie. That's happy, but there will be a fifth movie and of course things will have to change. It seems unlikely they'd have Shia LeBeouf back, so the son will have to be written out. In its quest for money, Hollywood just can't leave well enough alone, especially for Harrison Ford.
So what other Harrison Ford movies can Hollywood ruin?
Indiana Jones: Since I mentioned it, let's ruin this franchise--more so. My idea is that in the early 60s Indy finds some artifact and escapes from some mercenary jerk. But when he gets back, the mercenary jerk has killed his family! (Or just the son.) Like 5 years later Indy is retired and broken down and divorced/widowed. Then some younger guy comes to him to ask for his help finding some MacGuffin. The Buddha's jock strap or something. The biggest problem is this thing is in Vietnam! So then it's like Apocalypse Now where they have to go down a river and through the jungle and shit until they get to some temple or whatever with the mercenary jerk who killed Indy's family on their trail. There's a final showdown and the mercenary jerk is killed by whatever artifact. Indy has to sacrifice himself so the others escape. He gives the young guy his hat and whip before he dies. The end.
Working Girl: In the original Ford and Melanie Griffith hook up and she starts her new career as an 80s executive. In the sequel they'd be separated or divorced 30 years later. They lost their shirts in the crash of 2008. Their daughter is just starting out with some startup and so goes to see her parents for help: Melanie Griffith is back to secretarial work while Ford is retired and bitter. After they're reunited, Ford dies of a heart attack and after grieving, his daughter makes a big presentation with her mother's help.
Air Force One: We could cleverly call this Air Force TWO! 20 years later, Ford's president character is retired. His daughter has recently been sworn in as vice-president and on the way to some conference he gets on the VP's plane (Air Force Two) with her. Then there's word that Air Force One has been destroyed! Terrorists tried to hijack the plane but instead it crashed, killing all on board--including the president, so Ford's daughter is now POTUS! At least until terrorists take over the plane. But Ford and a Secret Service agent escape and then play cat-and-mouse while the terrorists use the new POTUS as a bargaining chip. In the end the terrorists die but the plane is going to go down. Everyone else bails out, but Ford stays behind to steer the plane to safety. Later he gets a state funeral and his daughter makes a speech and the Secret Service guy is now part of her detail and whatnot.
The Fugitive: 25 years after his wife's murder, Dr. Richard Kimble is a doctor in a small town. Then one night his protege comes to his house covered in blood, claiming his girlfriend was murdered. So Dr. Kimble helps him to escape the cops. Along the way Kimble is murdered by the killer--a one-armed woman! So then his protege has to solve his murder too!
American Graffiti: According to IMDB Ford appeared in More American Graffiti as a cop so let's just use that. However many years later, Ford is sheriff in a small town during the summer when kids are hot rodding, including his grandson. And Ford gives his grandson some relationship advice and stuff. Later he dies and his grandson and girlfriend are brought back together by the touching funeral eulogy the grandson gives. You could probably set it in the 80s or 90s or something like that for nostalgia.
Jack Ryan: You can probably do one for Jack Ryan but with a new Amazon series with that character I don't think it'd be likely to happen. If I were to do one I'd say 20 years or whatever after the last Ford movie with the character, Jack Ryan is peacefully retired. Meanwhile in a tip of the hat to recent events, a CIA analyst is investigating something and comes across evidence that the head of Russia, formerly a KGB agent, has been rigging elections in America. The analyst seeks out Jack Ryan, who knew the Russian president from the Cold War. Their discussion is interrupted by hired goons so they go on the run. Jack Ryan is killed as they're trying to get to Russia to find some proof. The analyst completes the mission and Jack Ryan is laid to rest with honors, a last casualty of the Cold War.
Extraordinary Measures: Dr. Harrison Ford (who's supposed to be an Asian guy IRL--I see you, whitewashing!) is WORKING AROUND THE CLOCK(!!!!!) on a cure to some disease. But then he has a heart attack or stroke or something. He tells his son or daughter, who's also a doctor, to finish his work. So the son or daughter takes it up and meets someone. The son or daughter visits Ford a few times before eventually Ford dies but the son or daughter finds the cure. Hooray! (This is all predicated on the notion that he didn't die in the first movie. I never saw it. I only ever watched the previews.)
I killed him off in the end of each fake movie just for the hell of it. It's not like we can wait another 20-30 years for another sequel to these, right? And we can't apparently let him just walk off into the sunset, so it's better to just kill him off over and over again. You can probably think of some ideas of your own, but don't at least some of these sound like movies Hollywood would make? If anyone knows Harrison Ford's agent, let me know and I'll go pitch these. I mean, why leave any happy endings for him when there's money to be made?
3 comments:
I'm not so sure that Indiana Jones will get "ruined." Stephen Spielberg is doing the fifth movie. He may just cast Shia LeBeouf as I doubt any of Shia's weirdness is a turnoff for Spielberg who just likes to make movies and doesn't really care about the actor (Tom Cruise anyone?) And as much as I feel that Shia doesn't look the part, he is an actor and I assume he could stretch himself and fill a role (like the son of Indiana Jones). I guess we'll have to wait and see.
I decided not to go see Solo. I mean what's the point? He's going to end up killed by his own son. Knowing his future puts a damper on things.
Shia LeBeouf is the male version of Lindsey Lohan.
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