Friday I said how rewatching The Clone Wars finally gave me some ideas for how I'd redo the prequels. Redo them in a slightly more mature fashion. Basically a PG-13 fashion instead of PG. Call it an alternate universe, the Grumpy Bulldog Star Warsverse!
First thing is to change the cause of the war to something a little more coherent than...whatever it was in the prequels. Taxing trade routes or some fucking thing. We'll use sort of a core concept and make it simple. Basically the outer systems are tired of Coruscant and the "Core" systems dictating things to them. They're feeling like the Core doesn't really represent them or get them, sort of how Trumpers claim to feel.
Anyway, Palpatine has Darth Maul there to help stoke the rebel groups there against the rule of Queen Padme. And to oversee production of a droid army that would probably be less stupid than the ones in the movies and TV shows. One of the rebel leaders is General Grievous, who's still a fully flesh being at this point.
The Jedi are talking with Padme to get her take on things when the palace comes under attack. Obi-Wan buys time for Anakin to escape with Padme and is then captured to be taken to Maul. Maul has been itching to fight a real Jedi and so gives Obi-Wan the chance to fight for his life. They start fighting but Obi-Wan sees a chance to escape and does so, which really enrages Maul.
Anakin and Padme's ship was damaged in the escape and so it doesn't get far before they have to crash land on a desolate planet I really don't want to be Tatooine because why does it need to be in everything? The emergency beacon or commlink or whatever isn't working where they crash, so they have to begin a perilous journey to find help. They talk about being a Jedi and ruling a planet and have to fend off a few predators or quicksand or whatever. One night after fending something off they finally kiss-and then more, though being PG-13 we aren't going to show that. But then the next morning they're captured by pirates!
Meanwhile Obi-Wan returns to Coruscant to brief the Jedi Council and Senate on what's happening on Naboo. More uprisings have begun after the one on Naboo on other planets outside the Core and the Core Systems are all on high alert. With the rising number of enemy drone soldiers, Palpatine proposes the Republic beef up its armed forces by using clones. Cloning was outlawed hundreds of years ago because the clones created then were often unstable, but the Kaminoans assure the Republic that they've worked out the kinks now.
The Jedi really don't like the idea of tons of clones running around, so they take Obi-Wan and a bunch of other Jedi with a few military ships to Naboo to put down the uprising, thereby assuring senators that clones are unnecessary.
Meanwhile, Anakin and Padme are being questioned by pirates, who sense they're a big deal but want to know exactly the kind of deal they can get. Anakin is beaten up and Padme is threatened, but being PG-13 she's not going to be raped or anything. Eventually Anakin gets free and slaughters the pirates and then they're able to steal a pirate ship to head for Naboo as they hear there's a battle going on there.
Things are not going great for the Jedi over Naboo. Besides a drone army, there's also a fleet of ships from Naboo and other planets. During fighting in orbit, Anakin and Padme show up and land on one of the Jedi ships. Padme assures them that if they can liberate the palace and she can talk to her people, they will end this uprising that's largely being driven by elements from outside the system.
Being a better pilot, Anakin takes a fighter to clear a path while Obi-Wan and another Jedi take Padme in a transport with some troops to the surface. They manage to land near the palace to storm the place. Anakin, Padme, and the troops go to liberate the place while Obi-Wan and random Jedi fight Maul.
There's an intense firefight in the palace and eventually Anakin and Grievous square off with Anakin badly injuring Grievous and getting shot himself. Padme rushes to his side but he tells her to go and broadcast her message; they have a romantic kiss before she leaves.
Meanwhile, Maul kills random Jedi in a whole big duel thing. Obi-Wan continues fighting alone. Instead of chopping Maul in half, he just chops off a hand or something and an enraged Maul retreats, swearing revenge.
Padme gets to the throne room or wherever to broadcast her message. Instead of just saying that the droids are bad and they should be destroyed, however, she says that the fate of Naboo should not be decided by her or the droids. It should be decided by the people in a referendum that will be held in a few weeks, once things are sorted out. That's enough to get the people to rise up against the droids and liberate the planet. Before Anakin is taken to a bacta tank, Padme tells him she won't mention their night together to anyone. Obi-Wan tells Padme she made a wise decision about the referendum, though she's not entirely sure.
A couple of months later, Naboo votes to leave the Republic. Many other planets likewise secede, forming their own Separtist government. The Republic responds by agreeing to bolster their armed forces with clones to force the Separtists back into the Republic. The Jedi divide as well, with some like Anakin joining with the Republic military and others like Obi-Wan and Yoda remaining neutral. More important to them is to find out who Maul was and who else might be working with him.
Meanwhile, Padme is forced to leave Naboo. On the way a medical droid tells her that she's pregnant...[ominous music]
OK, so there's my rough idea for a reworked Episode I that's a bit grittier than the original with less stupid shit--maybe. Or just different stupid shit?
Wednesday continues the story...
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