Friday, August 29, 2014
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Grumpy Bulldog Does America
This is one post I didn't want to write in advance because I haven't wanted to jinx it. Which is why I also haven't elaborated on my plans to anyone, despite that I've been cooking it up since late May. I keep thinking of Revolutionary Road (the movie, not the book, which I haven't read) where the main characters keep talking about how in X months they'll move to Paris and then everything will be awesome. And you just know they aren't ever going to get to Paris--and they don't.
So with that in mind I haven't mentioned what I'm going to do starting Labor Day weekend, which is that I am going to take an epic road trip. How long it will last and where all I will go are not determined, though I reckon I'll at least attempt to get all the way out west, to like Seattle or somewhere on the Pacific. And then maybe like Forrest Gump since I went all the way there maybe I'll just go all the way back, ad nauseum.
Here's the other thing, I am going to be essentially homeless. Most of my crap is in a Public Storage unit, locked away until I return for it or it ends up on one of those A&E shows; I'd be curious to see how much they'd bid for my collection of gray Pound Puppies. So it's just me, my Focus, and some luggage setting out into the unknown.
This can turn out a few ways:
Road Trip Book/Movie: I meet a lot of quirky people in small towns and eventually fall in love with someone and start a new awesome life.
Horror Movie: I run afoul of bikers, evil hitchhikers, or backwoods mutants and end up being chopped to bits or part of a Human Centipede.
Real Life: I wander around for a bit, get some pictures, and eventually go home to Michigan.
No matter what, I suppose there will be a story to tell. Anyway, instead of regular posting I'll just post some pictures and stuff when I can. Kind of a "Where in the World is Grumpy Bulldog?"
And if some fat bald guy shows up asking to crash on your couch, that's probably me.
So with that in mind I haven't mentioned what I'm going to do starting Labor Day weekend, which is that I am going to take an epic road trip. How long it will last and where all I will go are not determined, though I reckon I'll at least attempt to get all the way out west, to like Seattle or somewhere on the Pacific. And then maybe like Forrest Gump since I went all the way there maybe I'll just go all the way back, ad nauseum.
Here's the other thing, I am going to be essentially homeless. Most of my crap is in a Public Storage unit, locked away until I return for it or it ends up on one of those A&E shows; I'd be curious to see how much they'd bid for my collection of gray Pound Puppies. So it's just me, my Focus, and some luggage setting out into the unknown.
This can turn out a few ways:
Road Trip Book/Movie: I meet a lot of quirky people in small towns and eventually fall in love with someone and start a new awesome life.
Horror Movie: I run afoul of bikers, evil hitchhikers, or backwoods mutants and end up being chopped to bits or part of a Human Centipede.
Real Life: I wander around for a bit, get some pictures, and eventually go home to Michigan.
No matter what, I suppose there will be a story to tell. Anyway, instead of regular posting I'll just post some pictures and stuff when I can. Kind of a "Where in the World is Grumpy Bulldog?"
And if some fat bald guy shows up asking to crash on your couch, that's probably me.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Comic Captions 8/25/14
It's probably the last Comic Captions for a while. So try to make your caption good.
This comes from Batman Incorporated's final issue:
Now it's your turn. Write your caption in the comments.
This comes from Batman Incorporated's final issue:
Ra's al-Guhl: Now we're ready for our Matrix remake!
Now it's your turn. Write your caption in the comments.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Movie Round-Up 8/22/14
Brace yourself for more movie reviews that you don't care about.
World's Greatest Dad: This movie is dripping with unintended irony now as the plot involves Robin Williams as a dad named Lance whose son kills himself via autoerotic asphyxiation. To spare his son (and himself) embarrassment he ghostwrites a suicide note and fakes the kid hanging himself. But when the note goes viral it inadvertently gives Lance everything he ever wanted--except his son. Despite how cheerful the title might seem, it's a darkly comic movie that takes to extremes how we tend to gloss over all the bad stuff when someone dies. (Or like how we pretend Robin Williams had been relevant in the last 10 years.) For obvious reason I might not have liked this pre-Williams's death, but now it has a lot more relevance. It is unfortunate that near the end you get a peek of his (or his stunt double's) junk. Did not need to see that. (3.5/5)
Bad Words: As the title indicates this kind of follows the Bad Santa premise, only with spelling bees! Jason Bateman is a 40-year-old who thanks to dropping out of school is able to compete in the national spelling bee against kids. While he might have dropped out of school he does have an idiot savant type talent for spelling. And is good at psyching out opponents. Along the way he makes friends with a dorky Indian kid. Why he's in the competition is revealed near the end. Anyway, it's a fun raunchy comedy with some heart. Of course since it was released by Focus Features no one got to watch it in theaters so get it now from Netflix or Redbox. (4/5)
Sabotage: It's over-the-top in terms of gore and testosterone with a fairly weak plot. So basically your typical Ahhh-nold movie on steroids. Except he isn't really the good guy in this. There really are no characters I cared about. Maybe it's because everyone--including the women--is so oozing testosterone that it becomes kind of a turnoff. Basically there's a crew of DEA agents who raid a drug kingpin's house and in the process decide to take $10 million for themselves by tying it to a rope and stringing it down the sewer. But the money goes missing! And then later the team starts dying. Who stole it isn't that much of a surprise, though how he manages it is less clear. Anyway, as I said I wasn't all that interested in the characters and the plot is one of those that tries hard to be twisty but probably just ends up fooling itself. (1/5)
Batman: Assault on Arkham: While this says Batman it's really a Suicide Squad movie. If you had read my review of the New 52 Suicide Squad in my last post (which you didn't--for shame!) then you'd already know who they are. Basically it's a team of villains with bombs implanted in their heads and used by the government for secret missions. In this case it's to break into Arkham and get something from the Riddler. Or at least that's how it starts out. But then there are twists and turns and many of the villains being killed--that's why it's called Suicide Squad. Batman does show up to sometimes hinder and sometimes help their cause. As with the first go-round of the New 52 comic, Deadshot and Harley Quinn are the center of the team. Most of the Batman villains are styled after the Arkham video games so ones like Bane and Poison Ivy look a little weird. Anyway, it's a fun movie if you like superheroes and heists. (3/5)
The Island: This was I think Michael Bay's last movie before he hit paydirt with Transformers. It's pretty much what you'd expect: chases, explosions, and plot holes. The biggest plot hole is why they need this whole little colony populated by clones with the promise of "The Island" and threat of a "contaminated" world to keep them in line. The "explanation" is that if you just freeze people the organs will die. Um, yeah, right. So if you can suspend all that disbelief then the rest is tolerable. Though at the end it's kind of unclear what's going to happen to everyone. (2/5)
Flight: This was the Denzel Washington movie where he plays a pilot who like Sully Sullenberger made a heroic crash landing. Except unlike Sully, the Denzel Washington pilot was high on coke and booze at the time, which makes things problematic even though that didn't cause the crash and it's unlikely anyone else would have saved the plane. Mostly this is a movie about addiction and recovery. Contrasting Denzel's refusal to take responsibility and get clean is a heroin addict named Nicole whom he meets in the hospital. They spend a little time together and she seems to get her shit together while it's much more difficult for him. John Goodman has a funny cameo as Denzel's drug peddler while Don Cheadle cashes a paycheck as Denzel's lawyer. Since this was a Robert Zemeckis movie we should all just be glad he didn't use that stupid Polar Express/Beowulf animation on this. (3/5)
Stage Fright: The logline for this movie would be: It's Scream meets Glee! A killer terrorizes a theater camp, dressed like a kabuki version of the Phantom of the Opera. Though it really takes over half the movie for him to start killing anyone. There's some fun musical numbers, gory murders, and you can see Meat Loaf get chopped up with a circular saw. (The singer, not the food.) So there's something for everyone! (3/5)
Candyman: This was supposed to be a slasher movie, yet most of the slashing seemed to take place off screen. For the most part this was really boring. Virginia Madsen researches the legend of some dude called Candyman. Why they call him that I never figured out since candy really has nothing to do with it. He was some black guy in the late 18th Century who was killed by a lynch mob for getting involved with a white lady. They chopped off his right hand and then lured bees to sting him to death. Supposedly he goes around after that killing people with a hook if they say his name in a mirror 5 times. When it seems Candyman is terrorizing the projects of Chicago, Virginia Madsen gets involved and then framed for murders. Other than some gross bee stuff and gallons of fake blood there wasn't much gross about it and the scares were mostly just stuff jumping out at you, which makes it probably scarier than those Paranormal Activity movies. (1.5/5)
I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer: A completely unnecessary third chapter in this series. Only none of the original characters are involved. Some idiot teenagers decide it'd be really funny to stage an attack on the local carnival by "the Fisherman" the hook-wielding killer of the last two movies. Except someone gets killed and they hush it up until the Fisherman comes after them. Spoiler alert: don't waste time trying to figure out who the Fisherman is because he's like some evil demon summoned by them trying to hush up the death. So that was lame. I fell asleep in the first half of the movie, but that was OK because I didn't miss anyone being killed. That all happens in like the last half-hour. (1/5)
Cougar Club: This is the kind of late night movie where I wish I had fallen asleep. Curse you, insomnia! Basically two idiots graduate high school and go to intern at a law firm headed by Joe "Fat Tony" Mantegna. At the same time they start something like Fight Club only it's for young guys to fuck older women. I found that completely unbelievable, not in that something like that couldn't exist (and probably does in real life) but that these two asshats could actually organize it with the help of a third idiot friend. Then stupid shit ensues, almost none of which involves sex or cougars. And at the end the one idiot guy doesn't even hook up with the chick he was chasing through most of the movie. Instead he hooks up with someone else who only shows up at the end. SMH. If this weren't free I'd want my money back. (-5/5)
Women in Trouble: This is one of those ensemble movies like Magnolia or Love Actually. It starts with a legendary porn star finding out she's pregnant. She goes to the doctor's office and gets stuck in an elevator with a woman whose daughter is going to a shrink whose husband is having an affair with the patient's aunt. There are some other threads too that are all interconnected in a way and as the title suggests all feature women in trouble. It's fun with some raunchy humor. Other than Josh Brolin (channeling Russell Brand as a British rocker) and an appearance by Joseph Gordon-Leavitt in a post-credits scene there's not a lot of big names. (3/5) But it does make me think of this song, which is also about the interconnectedness of things:
World's Greatest Dad: This movie is dripping with unintended irony now as the plot involves Robin Williams as a dad named Lance whose son kills himself via autoerotic asphyxiation. To spare his son (and himself) embarrassment he ghostwrites a suicide note and fakes the kid hanging himself. But when the note goes viral it inadvertently gives Lance everything he ever wanted--except his son. Despite how cheerful the title might seem, it's a darkly comic movie that takes to extremes how we tend to gloss over all the bad stuff when someone dies. (Or like how we pretend Robin Williams had been relevant in the last 10 years.) For obvious reason I might not have liked this pre-Williams's death, but now it has a lot more relevance. It is unfortunate that near the end you get a peek of his (or his stunt double's) junk. Did not need to see that. (3.5/5)
Bad Words: As the title indicates this kind of follows the Bad Santa premise, only with spelling bees! Jason Bateman is a 40-year-old who thanks to dropping out of school is able to compete in the national spelling bee against kids. While he might have dropped out of school he does have an idiot savant type talent for spelling. And is good at psyching out opponents. Along the way he makes friends with a dorky Indian kid. Why he's in the competition is revealed near the end. Anyway, it's a fun raunchy comedy with some heart. Of course since it was released by Focus Features no one got to watch it in theaters so get it now from Netflix or Redbox. (4/5)
Sabotage: It's over-the-top in terms of gore and testosterone with a fairly weak plot. So basically your typical Ahhh-nold movie on steroids. Except he isn't really the good guy in this. There really are no characters I cared about. Maybe it's because everyone--including the women--is so oozing testosterone that it becomes kind of a turnoff. Basically there's a crew of DEA agents who raid a drug kingpin's house and in the process decide to take $10 million for themselves by tying it to a rope and stringing it down the sewer. But the money goes missing! And then later the team starts dying. Who stole it isn't that much of a surprise, though how he manages it is less clear. Anyway, as I said I wasn't all that interested in the characters and the plot is one of those that tries hard to be twisty but probably just ends up fooling itself. (1/5)
Batman: Assault on Arkham: While this says Batman it's really a Suicide Squad movie. If you had read my review of the New 52 Suicide Squad in my last post (which you didn't--for shame!) then you'd already know who they are. Basically it's a team of villains with bombs implanted in their heads and used by the government for secret missions. In this case it's to break into Arkham and get something from the Riddler. Or at least that's how it starts out. But then there are twists and turns and many of the villains being killed--that's why it's called Suicide Squad. Batman does show up to sometimes hinder and sometimes help their cause. As with the first go-round of the New 52 comic, Deadshot and Harley Quinn are the center of the team. Most of the Batman villains are styled after the Arkham video games so ones like Bane and Poison Ivy look a little weird. Anyway, it's a fun movie if you like superheroes and heists. (3/5)
The Island: This was I think Michael Bay's last movie before he hit paydirt with Transformers. It's pretty much what you'd expect: chases, explosions, and plot holes. The biggest plot hole is why they need this whole little colony populated by clones with the promise of "The Island" and threat of a "contaminated" world to keep them in line. The "explanation" is that if you just freeze people the organs will die. Um, yeah, right. So if you can suspend all that disbelief then the rest is tolerable. Though at the end it's kind of unclear what's going to happen to everyone. (2/5)
Flight: This was the Denzel Washington movie where he plays a pilot who like Sully Sullenberger made a heroic crash landing. Except unlike Sully, the Denzel Washington pilot was high on coke and booze at the time, which makes things problematic even though that didn't cause the crash and it's unlikely anyone else would have saved the plane. Mostly this is a movie about addiction and recovery. Contrasting Denzel's refusal to take responsibility and get clean is a heroin addict named Nicole whom he meets in the hospital. They spend a little time together and she seems to get her shit together while it's much more difficult for him. John Goodman has a funny cameo as Denzel's drug peddler while Don Cheadle cashes a paycheck as Denzel's lawyer. Since this was a Robert Zemeckis movie we should all just be glad he didn't use that stupid Polar Express/Beowulf animation on this. (3/5)
Stage Fright: The logline for this movie would be: It's Scream meets Glee! A killer terrorizes a theater camp, dressed like a kabuki version of the Phantom of the Opera. Though it really takes over half the movie for him to start killing anyone. There's some fun musical numbers, gory murders, and you can see Meat Loaf get chopped up with a circular saw. (The singer, not the food.) So there's something for everyone! (3/5)
Candyman: This was supposed to be a slasher movie, yet most of the slashing seemed to take place off screen. For the most part this was really boring. Virginia Madsen researches the legend of some dude called Candyman. Why they call him that I never figured out since candy really has nothing to do with it. He was some black guy in the late 18th Century who was killed by a lynch mob for getting involved with a white lady. They chopped off his right hand and then lured bees to sting him to death. Supposedly he goes around after that killing people with a hook if they say his name in a mirror 5 times. When it seems Candyman is terrorizing the projects of Chicago, Virginia Madsen gets involved and then framed for murders. Other than some gross bee stuff and gallons of fake blood there wasn't much gross about it and the scares were mostly just stuff jumping out at you, which makes it probably scarier than those Paranormal Activity movies. (1.5/5)
I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer: A completely unnecessary third chapter in this series. Only none of the original characters are involved. Some idiot teenagers decide it'd be really funny to stage an attack on the local carnival by "the Fisherman" the hook-wielding killer of the last two movies. Except someone gets killed and they hush it up until the Fisherman comes after them. Spoiler alert: don't waste time trying to figure out who the Fisherman is because he's like some evil demon summoned by them trying to hush up the death. So that was lame. I fell asleep in the first half of the movie, but that was OK because I didn't miss anyone being killed. That all happens in like the last half-hour. (1/5)
Cougar Club: This is the kind of late night movie where I wish I had fallen asleep. Curse you, insomnia! Basically two idiots graduate high school and go to intern at a law firm headed by Joe "Fat Tony" Mantegna. At the same time they start something like Fight Club only it's for young guys to fuck older women. I found that completely unbelievable, not in that something like that couldn't exist (and probably does in real life) but that these two asshats could actually organize it with the help of a third idiot friend. Then stupid shit ensues, almost none of which involves sex or cougars. And at the end the one idiot guy doesn't even hook up with the chick he was chasing through most of the movie. Instead he hooks up with someone else who only shows up at the end. SMH. If this weren't free I'd want my money back. (-5/5)
Women in Trouble: This is one of those ensemble movies like Magnolia or Love Actually. It starts with a legendary porn star finding out she's pregnant. She goes to the doctor's office and gets stuck in an elevator with a woman whose daughter is going to a shrink whose husband is having an affair with the patient's aunt. There are some other threads too that are all interconnected in a way and as the title suggests all feature women in trouble. It's fun with some raunchy humor. Other than Josh Brolin (channeling Russell Brand as a British rocker) and an appearance by Joseph Gordon-Leavitt in a post-credits scene there's not a lot of big names. (3/5) But it does make me think of this song, which is also about the interconnectedness of things:
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Comics Recap 8/20/14
Lucky you, this is probably the last I'll do of these for a while. Anyway, here are some comics I read:
Batman: The Black Casebook: This is a companion to the Batman RIP story, which I read almost 2 years ago. In the introduction, Grant Morrison explains how this selection of weird tales from the 50s and 60s influenced his story. I have to say I like the idea of a kind of Batman X-Files, which really should be another Batman title for the New 52. It sounds better than the new one that's like Big Brother only all the criminals from Arkham are living in Wayne Manor. (Not making that up.) If you're a writer the introduction is actually fascinating as Morrison goes through the whole process of how he came up with RIP and integrated about 70 years of Bat-history into it. (Though since this is not in digital you'd have to pay like $10 or more to read it, unless it's at your library.) Anyway, some of these stories are fairly normal: Batman inspires some other heroes around the world to be like him and then they meet up, Batman takes up a new apprentice when Robin is sidelined with a broken leg, and Batman has to help a Native American chief (who also disguises himself as a Batman-type hero) against some outlaws. Then there are the more absurd stories: As part of a space flight experiment Batman undergoes sensory deprivation and starts fantasizing he's on an alien planet where monsters kill Robin (this same sort of story was the original pilot of The Twilight Zone, BTW); Batman is beamed to Planet X or Zurr-en-Arrh where he has Superman-like powers; Batman and Robin are annoyed when a 5th Dimension imp called Bat-mite shows up; an Island of Dr. Moreau type scientist turns Batman into a man-beast; and the most absurd of all: in Mexico a guy creates a "rainbow monster" where each color on it has some different power. If you like the Adam West show or Superfriends then this isn't that much different. And while we mock these, the writing isn't much different than Stan Lee's early Marvel comics. I mean, that was just the style of the time. (4/5)
Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?: This was written by Neil Gaiman after Batman "died" following Batman RIP/Final Crisis. Alan Moore did a similar thing for Superman in the 80s before Crisis on Infinite Earths. The idea was one "last" story that would tie together the whole Superman mythos. Gaiman does the same thing here, though if you read the entry above Grant Morrison pretty much did that already. Basically this is a surreal funeral for Batman, where different friends and foes pay their last respects. Each one has a different story about how Batman "died" because the thing about Batman is he never gives up. As much as I liked it, I guess it seemed a little too obvious to me. And as much as I liked visual references to Bane, Azrael, and Arkham Asylum, where was Bat-Mite? (4/5)
Batman: Death of the Family: This was the big Batman title crossover after the Court of Owls. Basically the Joker comes back and terrorizes Batman's allies like Nightwing, Batgirl, and Red Robin. It's mostly notable for nothing notable happening while just afterward the latest Robin died in Batman Incorporated. Anyway, it's OK but not really anything special. I read all the Batman ones plus two Detective Comics ones where Batman goes after Joker cults and two Batman and Robin issues where the Joker captures Robin. Maybe it would have been better if I'd read all the various titles, but I doubt it. (3/5)
Superman/Batman: Absolute Power: Last month or maybe in June I talked about the recent DC animated movie JLA: Adventures in Time where Lex Luthor went back in time to prevent Superman from coming into being. This follows a similar idea. Only instead of preventing Superman from existing, bad guys from the 31st Century abduct Superman just after he lands and Bruce Wayne just after his parents are shot and then raise them together to mold them into brutal warlords of Earth. But when Wonder Woman rounds up some third-tier heroes to oppose them, it ends up sending Batman and Superman into various alternate universes. It's a lot better than that movie. It does go to a lot darker places, like when they kill Green Arrow, Wonder Woman, etc. For the most part I liked that about it, but others might disagree. (3.5/5)
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 1: Legacy: This was I guess the 2008 version of Guardians of the Galaxy. It was on sale before the movie so I thought maybe that would help give me some insight. The team isn't quite the same as Groot is just a sapling after some galactic war and there are characters not in the movie like Adam Warlock and Quasar. The first three issues have the team trying to stop the fabric of reality from tearing apart, during which they find "Major Victory" an alternate universe Captain America, complete with shield. A church that goes around trying to convert everyone and uses their power of faith as a weapon stands in their way. The last three issues are part of the "Secret Invasion" event. It's kind of like "Babylon 5" or "Deep Space Nine" where they're stuck on a station populated by different aliens who disagree about stuff. It was kind of a letdown. (2.5/5)
Nightwing Vol 1: Traps & Trapezes: This was the launch of the New 52 Nightwing. After his stint as Batman, Dick Grayson gets back into the swing of things as Nightwing. But then someone called Saiko tries to kill him. Meanwhile Dick's old circus is back in town and when Saiko kills the owner, Dick inherits the circus. He travels with it to try to find out who put Saiko on his tail. Batgirl shows up for one issue that doesn't really have to do with anything. It was good, though I think where it stumbles is how they shoehorn it into the Court of Owls story in the regular Batman comic. I mean the idea of the circus as a proving ground for undead assassins was kind of lame; it didn't really mesh with the rest of it. (3.5/5)
Suicide Squad Vol 1: Kicked in the Teeth This was the initial New 52 launch of the Suicide Squad. There's a new version out now because I guess this one failed. To save the world, a team of villains is recruited in exchange for time off their sentences. They first have to save a baby, who's the key to solving a cyberzombie plague. Then they have to get the baby to safety without letting anyone know. But when they get back to prison there's a riot started by Harley Quinn, who's escaped to find out if the Joker is really dead. (This being after the Joker infamously got his face cut off.) Harley Quinn and Deadshot are the core of the team while some other B-list villains rotate in and out. It's fun for the most part and the Harley Quinn parts are a good indication of why her solo series has been doing well. (4/5)
Batman: The Black Casebook: This is a companion to the Batman RIP story, which I read almost 2 years ago. In the introduction, Grant Morrison explains how this selection of weird tales from the 50s and 60s influenced his story. I have to say I like the idea of a kind of Batman X-Files, which really should be another Batman title for the New 52. It sounds better than the new one that's like Big Brother only all the criminals from Arkham are living in Wayne Manor. (Not making that up.) If you're a writer the introduction is actually fascinating as Morrison goes through the whole process of how he came up with RIP and integrated about 70 years of Bat-history into it. (Though since this is not in digital you'd have to pay like $10 or more to read it, unless it's at your library.) Anyway, some of these stories are fairly normal: Batman inspires some other heroes around the world to be like him and then they meet up, Batman takes up a new apprentice when Robin is sidelined with a broken leg, and Batman has to help a Native American chief (who also disguises himself as a Batman-type hero) against some outlaws. Then there are the more absurd stories: As part of a space flight experiment Batman undergoes sensory deprivation and starts fantasizing he's on an alien planet where monsters kill Robin (this same sort of story was the original pilot of The Twilight Zone, BTW); Batman is beamed to Planet X or Zurr-en-Arrh where he has Superman-like powers; Batman and Robin are annoyed when a 5th Dimension imp called Bat-mite shows up; an Island of Dr. Moreau type scientist turns Batman into a man-beast; and the most absurd of all: in Mexico a guy creates a "rainbow monster" where each color on it has some different power. If you like the Adam West show or Superfriends then this isn't that much different. And while we mock these, the writing isn't much different than Stan Lee's early Marvel comics. I mean, that was just the style of the time. (4/5)
Whatever Happened to the Caped Crusader?: This was written by Neil Gaiman after Batman "died" following Batman RIP/Final Crisis. Alan Moore did a similar thing for Superman in the 80s before Crisis on Infinite Earths. The idea was one "last" story that would tie together the whole Superman mythos. Gaiman does the same thing here, though if you read the entry above Grant Morrison pretty much did that already. Basically this is a surreal funeral for Batman, where different friends and foes pay their last respects. Each one has a different story about how Batman "died" because the thing about Batman is he never gives up. As much as I liked it, I guess it seemed a little too obvious to me. And as much as I liked visual references to Bane, Azrael, and Arkham Asylum, where was Bat-Mite? (4/5)
Batman: Death of the Family: This was the big Batman title crossover after the Court of Owls. Basically the Joker comes back and terrorizes Batman's allies like Nightwing, Batgirl, and Red Robin. It's mostly notable for nothing notable happening while just afterward the latest Robin died in Batman Incorporated. Anyway, it's OK but not really anything special. I read all the Batman ones plus two Detective Comics ones where Batman goes after Joker cults and two Batman and Robin issues where the Joker captures Robin. Maybe it would have been better if I'd read all the various titles, but I doubt it. (3/5)
Superman/Batman: Absolute Power: Last month or maybe in June I talked about the recent DC animated movie JLA: Adventures in Time where Lex Luthor went back in time to prevent Superman from coming into being. This follows a similar idea. Only instead of preventing Superman from existing, bad guys from the 31st Century abduct Superman just after he lands and Bruce Wayne just after his parents are shot and then raise them together to mold them into brutal warlords of Earth. But when Wonder Woman rounds up some third-tier heroes to oppose them, it ends up sending Batman and Superman into various alternate universes. It's a lot better than that movie. It does go to a lot darker places, like when they kill Green Arrow, Wonder Woman, etc. For the most part I liked that about it, but others might disagree. (3.5/5)
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 1: Legacy: This was I guess the 2008 version of Guardians of the Galaxy. It was on sale before the movie so I thought maybe that would help give me some insight. The team isn't quite the same as Groot is just a sapling after some galactic war and there are characters not in the movie like Adam Warlock and Quasar. The first three issues have the team trying to stop the fabric of reality from tearing apart, during which they find "Major Victory" an alternate universe Captain America, complete with shield. A church that goes around trying to convert everyone and uses their power of faith as a weapon stands in their way. The last three issues are part of the "Secret Invasion" event. It's kind of like "Babylon 5" or "Deep Space Nine" where they're stuck on a station populated by different aliens who disagree about stuff. It was kind of a letdown. (2.5/5)
Nightwing Vol 1: Traps & Trapezes: This was the launch of the New 52 Nightwing. After his stint as Batman, Dick Grayson gets back into the swing of things as Nightwing. But then someone called Saiko tries to kill him. Meanwhile Dick's old circus is back in town and when Saiko kills the owner, Dick inherits the circus. He travels with it to try to find out who put Saiko on his tail. Batgirl shows up for one issue that doesn't really have to do with anything. It was good, though I think where it stumbles is how they shoehorn it into the Court of Owls story in the regular Batman comic. I mean the idea of the circus as a proving ground for undead assassins was kind of lame; it didn't really mesh with the rest of it. (3.5/5)
Suicide Squad Vol 1: Kicked in the Teeth This was the initial New 52 launch of the Suicide Squad. There's a new version out now because I guess this one failed. To save the world, a team of villains is recruited in exchange for time off their sentences. They first have to save a baby, who's the key to solving a cyberzombie plague. Then they have to get the baby to safety without letting anyone know. But when they get back to prison there's a riot started by Harley Quinn, who's escaped to find out if the Joker is really dead. (This being after the Joker infamously got his face cut off.) Harley Quinn and Deadshot are the core of the team while some other B-list villains rotate in and out. It's fun for the most part and the Harley Quinn parts are a good indication of why her solo series has been doing well. (4/5)
Monday, August 18, 2014
Comic Captions 8/18/14
It's another Comic Captions, where you try to come up with a funny caption for a comic book panel.
This one is from Superman/Batman #15
Now it's your turn! Enter your caption in the comments.
This one is from Superman/Batman #15
Superman: Is this what you had in mind to spice up our relationship?
Now it's your turn! Enter your caption in the comments.
Friday, August 15, 2014
Movie Round-Up 8/15/14: Guardians of the Galaxy & More
Guardians of the Galaxy: When this was first announced like most people I thought, WTF? Especially when people mentioned this involved a talking raccoon and a living tree. So I wasn't all that excited to see this. But in some ways it was better than The Avengers. Since they all pretty much had their own movies with their own girlfriends, there wasn't much in the way of romantic tension in that. But with Guardians there's some between Star-Lord and Gamora. Really when Star-Lord sacrifices himself to save Gamora or when Groot sacrifices himself to save everyone it was actually more more moving than anything in The Avengers. I guess as Andrew Leon said it's because they actually become a real team, not just a bunch of people crammed together. Since Chris Pratt had only been a comedic second banana to this point I wasn't sure how he'd do in a leading role, but he was good. I was surprised too that Dave Bautista wasn't completely terrible. Rocket Raccoon was kind of annoying, but it is awesome to see a raccoon with a big frickin' gun. Overall it was a good time and I'd be more excited for the eventual sequel. (4/5)
A Birder's Guide to Everything: I know you haven't heard of this, so don't bother saying it. This is a charming indie coming-of-age movie about four teenagers who go on a quest to find a supposedly extinct Labrador duck. David used to go "birding" with his mom, who died of something. When he sees a duck that's supposedly been extinct for 150 years, he and his friends (and a girl with a camera) "borrow" a relative's car and head into upstate New York to search for the duck. A nip slip and a bag of drugs found in the borrowed car keep this from being a total PG Disney-type movie. And portions of the end might make you sad. There's probably no one in this you've heard of except for Ben Kingsley as a veteran "birder." (4/5)
I Know Who Killed Me: This was the movie where like Miley Cyrus's twerking, Lindsay Lohan was going to show the world she wasn't a Disney princess anymore. It's probably not as bad as people said it was, but it wasn't very good either. A goody-goody high school kid is abducted and has her hand and leg cut off before escaping from a serial kidnapper. Except the girl they find claims to be someone else. This girl worked as a "stripper" who like Jennifer Aniston in "We're the Millers" somehow manages to not actually strip. Eventually they find the kidnapper and the link between the two girls...isn't really explained. Maybe because it was late and I was kind of drifting off, though I doubt it. (1.5/5)
Chronicles of Riddick: I had tried to watch this a couple of times but never finished it. Which was just as well I suppose. When the evil Necronomicons (or whatever) try to take over the universe the only one who can stop them is Riddick...because he can see in the dark, or something. Half the movie is taken up with Riddick and some girl of his trying to escape from the planet Crematorium, which is pretty much what it sounds like. There wasn't much point to all that in the long run. And I'm not sure why one of the bad guys (Batman's dad in "Batman Begins") gives Riddick his ship and then walks out into the burning sun to die. Nor do I know how Judi Dench got roped into this. The special effects were also anything but special most of the time, with a lot of bad CGI. Anyway the way it ended was supposed to be the start of a trilogy, but it flopped so it took like seven years to make a half-assed sequel. (2/5)
When A Stranger Calls: You know that old urban legend about a babysitter getting prank calls and then the cops say the calls are coming from inside the house? Yeah that's literally what this movie is. Except it's not an ordinary house; it's a weird post-modern Frank Gehry lake house. The girl is kind of a shitty babysitter as she doesn't even check on the kids until the movie's like 60% over. You'd have to think the bad guy was using a cell phone; the part I never understand about that urban legend is how could the phone ring if you're calling from inside the house? Unless you have two lines. Anyway, I was disappointed Clark Gregg was only the girl's father. Agent Coulson terrorizing babysitters would have been awesome. In fact that should be Season 2 of "Agents of SHIELD." The end sequence of the movie borrows heavily from "Carrie." Overall it was OK but not great. (2/5)
Kung Fu Hustle: I had heard OF this movie a while back but never gotten around to watching it. It takes a while for the plot of the movie to really become evident. Basically there's this evil Axe Gang in Canton, China in the 40s. They want to take over the village of Pig Sty, but a couple of kung fu masters get in their way. Maybe if I'd watched a lot of kung fu movies I'd have gotten more out of it. There was a lot of cartoonishly exaggerated kung fu fighting that's pretty amusing. And once you finally figure out who the main characters are (about halfway through) it becomes more watchable. (3/5)
The Raid: Redemption: Did you think Die Hard just didn't have nearly enough violence, blood, and machete fights? Then this movie is for you! Police in some Asian country raid a tenement where a drug kingpin is holed up. Much violence ensues. It's in subtitles but that hardly matters since most of the dialogue is grunting and screaming. What this movie sorely lacks is Bruce Willis's charisma. As it is, I didn't really care if the cops lived or died, even the one with the pregnant wife, a fact they only reference at the beginning and then forget. Anyway, there are some awesome machete fights, so that's something. (2/5)
Shy of Normal: The framing device for this low-budget movie is that a writer is having a problem coming up with a story. When someone tells her to go out and observe people for ideas, she does so and comes up with three ideas that were I guess plays. One involves two couples having babies, one a redneck couple and the other Vegan liberals. Another story is about an uptight woman possibly becoming the roommate of two middle-aged women who are still in college. The last is about the manager of a fast food restaurant trying to commit suicide but the dang phone won't stop ringing! The first was better than the last two. (2.5/5)
A Birder's Guide to Everything: I know you haven't heard of this, so don't bother saying it. This is a charming indie coming-of-age movie about four teenagers who go on a quest to find a supposedly extinct Labrador duck. David used to go "birding" with his mom, who died of something. When he sees a duck that's supposedly been extinct for 150 years, he and his friends (and a girl with a camera) "borrow" a relative's car and head into upstate New York to search for the duck. A nip slip and a bag of drugs found in the borrowed car keep this from being a total PG Disney-type movie. And portions of the end might make you sad. There's probably no one in this you've heard of except for Ben Kingsley as a veteran "birder." (4/5)
I Know Who Killed Me: This was the movie where like Miley Cyrus's twerking, Lindsay Lohan was going to show the world she wasn't a Disney princess anymore. It's probably not as bad as people said it was, but it wasn't very good either. A goody-goody high school kid is abducted and has her hand and leg cut off before escaping from a serial kidnapper. Except the girl they find claims to be someone else. This girl worked as a "stripper" who like Jennifer Aniston in "We're the Millers" somehow manages to not actually strip. Eventually they find the kidnapper and the link between the two girls...isn't really explained. Maybe because it was late and I was kind of drifting off, though I doubt it. (1.5/5)
Chronicles of Riddick: I had tried to watch this a couple of times but never finished it. Which was just as well I suppose. When the evil Necronomicons (or whatever) try to take over the universe the only one who can stop them is Riddick...because he can see in the dark, or something. Half the movie is taken up with Riddick and some girl of his trying to escape from the planet Crematorium, which is pretty much what it sounds like. There wasn't much point to all that in the long run. And I'm not sure why one of the bad guys (Batman's dad in "Batman Begins") gives Riddick his ship and then walks out into the burning sun to die. Nor do I know how Judi Dench got roped into this. The special effects were also anything but special most of the time, with a lot of bad CGI. Anyway the way it ended was supposed to be the start of a trilogy, but it flopped so it took like seven years to make a half-assed sequel. (2/5)
When A Stranger Calls: You know that old urban legend about a babysitter getting prank calls and then the cops say the calls are coming from inside the house? Yeah that's literally what this movie is. Except it's not an ordinary house; it's a weird post-modern Frank Gehry lake house. The girl is kind of a shitty babysitter as she doesn't even check on the kids until the movie's like 60% over. You'd have to think the bad guy was using a cell phone; the part I never understand about that urban legend is how could the phone ring if you're calling from inside the house? Unless you have two lines. Anyway, I was disappointed Clark Gregg was only the girl's father. Agent Coulson terrorizing babysitters would have been awesome. In fact that should be Season 2 of "Agents of SHIELD." The end sequence of the movie borrows heavily from "Carrie." Overall it was OK but not great. (2/5)
Kung Fu Hustle: I had heard OF this movie a while back but never gotten around to watching it. It takes a while for the plot of the movie to really become evident. Basically there's this evil Axe Gang in Canton, China in the 40s. They want to take over the village of Pig Sty, but a couple of kung fu masters get in their way. Maybe if I'd watched a lot of kung fu movies I'd have gotten more out of it. There was a lot of cartoonishly exaggerated kung fu fighting that's pretty amusing. And once you finally figure out who the main characters are (about halfway through) it becomes more watchable. (3/5)
The Raid: Redemption: Did you think Die Hard just didn't have nearly enough violence, blood, and machete fights? Then this movie is for you! Police in some Asian country raid a tenement where a drug kingpin is holed up. Much violence ensues. It's in subtitles but that hardly matters since most of the dialogue is grunting and screaming. What this movie sorely lacks is Bruce Willis's charisma. As it is, I didn't really care if the cops lived or died, even the one with the pregnant wife, a fact they only reference at the beginning and then forget. Anyway, there are some awesome machete fights, so that's something. (2/5)
Shy of Normal: The framing device for this low-budget movie is that a writer is having a problem coming up with a story. When someone tells her to go out and observe people for ideas, she does so and comes up with three ideas that were I guess plays. One involves two couples having babies, one a redneck couple and the other Vegan liberals. Another story is about an uptight woman possibly becoming the roommate of two middle-aged women who are still in college. The last is about the manager of a fast food restaurant trying to commit suicide but the dang phone won't stop ringing! The first was better than the last two. (2.5/5)
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Overpowered Release Day!
Today is the release of Overpowered, Book 2 of the Powered Trilogy. You can read my review here, or in the August issue of Indie Writers Monthly. Here's more information!
After rescuing Nova from a life of evil, Maci fears she's made a huge mistake. As if she didn't have enough trouble fitting in with her fellow Supers, Nova outshines Maci in personality and power.
In the midst of this one-sided sibling rivalry, humans are dropping dead from a powerful drug that originates in the underground tunnels of King City. Someone is a traitor and Maci wants to capture the villain before anyone else—especially Nova.
With Nova in the spotlight, Maci needs to set aside her jealousy before more humans die and the future of King City is changed forever.
In the midst of this one-sided sibling rivalry, humans are dropping dead from a powerful drug that originates in the underground tunnels of King City. Someone is a traitor and Maci wants to capture the villain before anyone else—especially Nova.
With Nova in the spotlight, Maci needs to set aside her jealousy before more humans die and the future of King City is changed forever.
Book 2 of the Powered Trilogy. Available now.
Fill out this form to get a FREE Bookmark: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/15YSKgmx3VwpmImzxIjn_RujFFFyH2gq6GZXmse8u3z8/viewform?usp=send_form
About the Author
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Who Is the Idiot Here? You Are!
Last month I complained about people complaining that male-to-female characters cried too much in Chance of a Lifetime and Girl Power. This month I'm going to complain about something else a couple of people have complained about in Chance of a Lifetime. The gist is these people think after Steve becomes Stacey she (formerly he) becomes an idiot. The thing is, while I could get the crying thing and might eventually take steps to fix it, I don't see what they're talking about, which really makes me grumpy.
Maybe the actual text would help, though not really because they're not very specific.
Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
It really would have helped if they'd said what in particular makes her seem like an idiot, because I don't know what they're talking about. Maybe they wanted Stacey to instantly know everything someone who'd grown up as a woman would about for instance walking in high heels or wearing a tampon, though obviously Steve never had occasion to do either.
The last bit in Exhibit B is especially annoying. Stacey doesn't have the skills a long-time police officer would have? Really? (Spoilers!) She coerces an old informant to give her a line on one of the goons who works for the crime boss who unintentionally changed her. That goon she interrogates and then kills in rather nasty fashion. She eludes her former comrades in the police department and uses the dead guy's money and credit cards to set herself up with a lot of nice clothes, as well as a personal armory any NRA member would be proud of. She uses that armory to kill two more goons, walks a couple of miles with a fucking bullet wound, and then undergoes surgery with no anesthetic.
So clearly I'm a huge fucking misogynist who thinks women are delicate flowers and should stay at home barefoot and pregnant. And clearly Stacey has absolutely no police skills at all...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? DID YOU EVEN READ THE FUCKING BOOK!? Or maybe you were reading the Bizarro world version of the book that's like the complete fucking opposite of what I wrote.
But for the record, Stacey and Steve do operate a little differently. Because hello, their bodies are completely different! Steve was like six-three and over two hundred pounds, so he relied mostly on brute force to get the job done. He was pretty much the bad cop to his partner's good cop when it came to interrogating people; he'd be the one looming over the suspect and threatening to break his face. Whereas Stacey is only like five-six and 110 pounds--and not a lot of it muscle. So obviously she can't loom over people and intimidate them. And obviously she isn't going to be much good in a fistfight against a guy who is the size she used to be. That's not misogynistic; that's just common fucking sense. I mean sure maybe if she had ninja training or something she could fight guys almost a foot taller and twice as heavy, but she hasn't because she just became a girl like a week ago! Duuuuuuuuh.
I don't have a low opinion of all women, but these two "reviewers" definitely are not the brightest bulbs in the bunch.
Maybe the actual text would help, though not really because they're not very specific.
Exhibit A:
After he becomes a she it seems as if any intelligence is now a foreign thing.
Exhibit B:
The character seems to lose any sense of self, knowledge, background, personality traits, and life history and literally turns into an 18 year old girl without a lick of basic life sense, let alone the skills a long-time police officer would have acquired. I started to feel as though the author did not like or respect women much and it's more than clear that the author views human personality and skills as determined by gender.
It really would have helped if they'd said what in particular makes her seem like an idiot, because I don't know what they're talking about. Maybe they wanted Stacey to instantly know everything someone who'd grown up as a woman would about for instance walking in high heels or wearing a tampon, though obviously Steve never had occasion to do either.
The last bit in Exhibit B is especially annoying. Stacey doesn't have the skills a long-time police officer would have? Really? (Spoilers!) She coerces an old informant to give her a line on one of the goons who works for the crime boss who unintentionally changed her. That goon she interrogates and then kills in rather nasty fashion. She eludes her former comrades in the police department and uses the dead guy's money and credit cards to set herself up with a lot of nice clothes, as well as a personal armory any NRA member would be proud of. She uses that armory to kill two more goons, walks a couple of miles with a fucking bullet wound, and then undergoes surgery with no anesthetic.
So clearly I'm a huge fucking misogynist who thinks women are delicate flowers and should stay at home barefoot and pregnant. And clearly Stacey has absolutely no police skills at all...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? DID YOU EVEN READ THE FUCKING BOOK!? Or maybe you were reading the Bizarro world version of the book that's like the complete fucking opposite of what I wrote.
But for the record, Stacey and Steve do operate a little differently. Because hello, their bodies are completely different! Steve was like six-three and over two hundred pounds, so he relied mostly on brute force to get the job done. He was pretty much the bad cop to his partner's good cop when it came to interrogating people; he'd be the one looming over the suspect and threatening to break his face. Whereas Stacey is only like five-six and 110 pounds--and not a lot of it muscle. So obviously she can't loom over people and intimidate them. And obviously she isn't going to be much good in a fistfight against a guy who is the size she used to be. That's not misogynistic; that's just common fucking sense. I mean sure maybe if she had ninja training or something she could fight guys almost a foot taller and twice as heavy, but she hasn't because she just became a girl like a week ago! Duuuuuuuuh.
I don't have a low opinion of all women, but these two "reviewers" definitely are not the brightest bulbs in the bunch.
Monday, August 11, 2014
Some People Have a Firm Grasp of the Obvious
People who review my novel Girl Power on Amazon and Goodreads always see the need to point out how similar the heroes in the story are to certain DC Comics heroes. And my reaction is, "Well, duh." Because it's right there in the opening scene of the book:
Hmmm, does that sound in any way familiar? One person on Goodreads accused me of doing a 50 Shades of Grey and writing a fanfic and then changing the names. Ha. I mean you couldn't just change the names; you have to change their costumes and slightly alter some of their powers too. It's not really a Find and Replace job. And me being lazy, I of course just wrote it the way it is right from the start.
Anyway, you can get the whole book for free on Amazon and Smashwords (and by extension B&N, Kobo, Apple, etc.) and then credit yourself for figuring out the obvious as well.
Chapter 1
 |
| Bears absolutely no similarity to this guy. |
The call comes in just after
eight in the morning. Midnight Spectre
is still down in the bunker, where he’s ostensibly taking a nap before a board
meeting at Holloway Corporation, followed by another night fighting crime on
the streets. Instead of napping,
Midnight studies the most recent surveillance reports from the bugs he’s
planted throughout the city. There
doesn’t seem to be much happening on the surface, but looking deeper he can
always find something.
The eagle-shaped symbol that
begins to flash red indicates the caller is from the Super Squad. With a sigh, Midnight shoves the reports into
an icon on the desktop to bring up the call.
A stern-faced woman in her thirties comes onto the screen. “Something I can help you with, Major?”
Midnight asks in his trademark rasp.
“The alarms we set on Dr.
Roboto’s old fortress have been going crazy,” Major Carrie Dalton says.
“Probably a rat in the wiring,”
Midnight says, but he’s already bringing up the island’s security system on the
screen. It’s easy enough since he
designed it. Major Dalton is right;
there’s definitely something going on there.
Something has set off not only the motion detectors but the seismic
detectors as well. That can only mean
something big.
“I assume the rest of the gang
is on the way?”
“I thought I’d give you a
head-start this time.”
“That’s generous of you.”
“Any idea what we might be
dealing with?”
“Not yet. Whoever’s there has deactivated the
cameras. I’ll see if I can get more on
the way.”
“Thanks.”
The screen goes blank. Midnight gets up from his chair. He’s still dressed in his costume, so all he
has to do is go into the hangar, where the jet waits. Jasper is already there to fuel it up. “What shall I tell the board?” he asks.
“Give them the usual excuse,”
Midnight says. The usual excuse is Rob
Holloway met a pretty girl at a bar and decided to sweep her away to Aspen or
Vegas or Monaco or someplace like that.
A Photoshopped image to corroborate this will appear on the gossip sites
by the end of the day.
He hops up into the cockpit to
run through the startup routine. He
hasn’t needed the jet in two months, but everything checks out green. Jasper stands away from the plane to flash
him a thumbs-up. Midnight nods and then
cuts in the vertical lift jets. The roof
of the hangar opens to allow the jet to rise into the air over Holloway Manor.
Once he’s high enough, Midnight
transitions to the normal engines. The
jet rockets away at over Mach 3, towards the south Pacific.
***
Hmmm, does that sound in any way familiar? One person on Goodreads accused me of doing a 50 Shades of Grey and writing a fanfic and then changing the names. Ha. I mean you couldn't just change the names; you have to change their costumes and slightly alter some of their powers too. It's not really a Find and Replace job. And me being lazy, I of course just wrote it the way it is right from the start.
Anyway, you can get the whole book for free on Amazon and Smashwords (and by extension B&N, Kobo, Apple, etc.) and then credit yourself for figuring out the obvious as well.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Movie Round-Up 8/8/14 Tomb of the Unknown Movies
8 it a great day for movie reviews? Sorry. I doubt you've seen any of these movies; except I'm pretty sure Tony Laplume has seen one. Basically I'm past the bottom of the barrel at this point, to like 10 feet below the barrel. Too bad for you.
A Night in Old Mexico: Robert Duvall is an old rancher who's lost his land and decides to visit Mexico for one last wild night. His estranged grandson tags along. Things are complicated when they give a ride to a couple of guys who stole money from a drug dealer. The dealers of course want that money back, so mayhem ensues. It's not quite as dark as "No Country for Old Men." Duvall is funny as the cantankerous old cowboy; at this point every movie he does might be the last one, so enjoy the legend while you still can. (3/5)
Grand Piano: A pianist (Elijah Wood) returns to the stage after a nervous breakdown five years earlier. As he starts to play, he finds someone has threatened to kill him if he plays one wrong note. But while first it seems the nut job (John Cusack) just wants him to play the piano really well, it turns out there's an implausible "Die Hard"-esque scheme going on. For the most part this was good; they do what they can with the claustrophobic setting of being on a stage performing on a piano. And it also reminded us that Alex Winter (aka Bill S Preston, Esquire) still exists, though the years have not been kind to him. (3/5)
The Recruit: This is one of those I probably would have watched sooner but never got around to it. Basically Colin Farrell is recruited by Al Pacino to join the CIA. And then is given the job to spy on the hot chick in his class. But there are some twists that are kind of obvious. Though I liked at the end when they put a twist on the old "bad guy incriminates himself talking into a hot mic" cliche. I really, really hate that cliche so I would have marked the movie down if that had been what actually happened. I still don't have Tony Laplume's love of Colin Farrell and Al Pacino is basically every Al Pacino character since like 1980. Overall though it's a decent enough thriller. (3/5)
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: This is one of those I heard people saying was good a year or two ago, sort of like Grand Budapest Hotel this year. But I didn't get around to watching it until now. Basically a bunch of old Brits go to India to the titular hotel that is of course a dump. Some of them learn something, some don't, and one dies--probably not the one you'd expect. It gets to feel a little too long, but there are some funny parts amidst the drama. (3.5/5)
Veronica Mars: I never watched the TV show, but that doesn't matter so much as there's a prologue to catch you up on it. But maybe if I had watched the show I might have given a shit. It never really rises above the level of a TV movie mystery. You know in the end she's going to find the bad guy and he/she/they will confess. In this case when an old friend of Veronica's is framed for murder she has to leave her successful new life in New York to help him out. Bet you can't guess how that will work out. Oh, right, you can because as I said it's a TV movie mystery, like those old Columbo movies and such. Except thanks to that Kickstarter campaign getting this in theaters, it can use the f-word and gets a gratuitous James Franco cameo. But you have to think fans were hoping for something a little less dull. I guess when you donate to Kickstarter campaigns, be careful what you wish for. If you do want a hint to the end think I Know What You Did Last Summer meets Natalie Wood's death. (2/5)
Hot Blood Sundae: This movie starts by answering the age-old question: can you stab a bimbo to death with a waffle cone? Common sense says no, but common sense is not much on display with this movie. Basically a guy decides to open the ice cream version of Hooters. And then the bimbos start being hacked to pieces by a guy in a Scream ghost killer costume only with a bucket over his head. The whole thing looked as if it cost $1000 to make and so little of it made sense. Like, what kind of ice cream shop has a locker room and showers? But to go all Andrew Leon on this, there's a writing lesson here: when writing a slasher story, you need more than a collection of bimbos; you have to have that one goody-goody virginal main character people can root for. Otherwise, who gives a fuck? Basically not even all the nudity and gratuitous whipped cream fights can save a completely idiotic movie. (1/5)
The Black Knight Returns: This is about as low-budget as any fan film. It reminds me a little of the Scarlet Knight series as it was first conceived in that there's a secret society of knights from Arthurian times who protect the world. There's something about bad guys and some toxin..then I fell asleep. I doubt I missed much except really badly choreographed fight scenes. (Inc.)
A Night in Old Mexico: Robert Duvall is an old rancher who's lost his land and decides to visit Mexico for one last wild night. His estranged grandson tags along. Things are complicated when they give a ride to a couple of guys who stole money from a drug dealer. The dealers of course want that money back, so mayhem ensues. It's not quite as dark as "No Country for Old Men." Duvall is funny as the cantankerous old cowboy; at this point every movie he does might be the last one, so enjoy the legend while you still can. (3/5)
Grand Piano: A pianist (Elijah Wood) returns to the stage after a nervous breakdown five years earlier. As he starts to play, he finds someone has threatened to kill him if he plays one wrong note. But while first it seems the nut job (John Cusack) just wants him to play the piano really well, it turns out there's an implausible "Die Hard"-esque scheme going on. For the most part this was good; they do what they can with the claustrophobic setting of being on a stage performing on a piano. And it also reminded us that Alex Winter (aka Bill S Preston, Esquire) still exists, though the years have not been kind to him. (3/5)
The Recruit: This is one of those I probably would have watched sooner but never got around to it. Basically Colin Farrell is recruited by Al Pacino to join the CIA. And then is given the job to spy on the hot chick in his class. But there are some twists that are kind of obvious. Though I liked at the end when they put a twist on the old "bad guy incriminates himself talking into a hot mic" cliche. I really, really hate that cliche so I would have marked the movie down if that had been what actually happened. I still don't have Tony Laplume's love of Colin Farrell and Al Pacino is basically every Al Pacino character since like 1980. Overall though it's a decent enough thriller. (3/5)
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel: This is one of those I heard people saying was good a year or two ago, sort of like Grand Budapest Hotel this year. But I didn't get around to watching it until now. Basically a bunch of old Brits go to India to the titular hotel that is of course a dump. Some of them learn something, some don't, and one dies--probably not the one you'd expect. It gets to feel a little too long, but there are some funny parts amidst the drama. (3.5/5)
Veronica Mars: I never watched the TV show, but that doesn't matter so much as there's a prologue to catch you up on it. But maybe if I had watched the show I might have given a shit. It never really rises above the level of a TV movie mystery. You know in the end she's going to find the bad guy and he/she/they will confess. In this case when an old friend of Veronica's is framed for murder she has to leave her successful new life in New York to help him out. Bet you can't guess how that will work out. Oh, right, you can because as I said it's a TV movie mystery, like those old Columbo movies and such. Except thanks to that Kickstarter campaign getting this in theaters, it can use the f-word and gets a gratuitous James Franco cameo. But you have to think fans were hoping for something a little less dull. I guess when you donate to Kickstarter campaigns, be careful what you wish for. If you do want a hint to the end think I Know What You Did Last Summer meets Natalie Wood's death. (2/5)
Hot Blood Sundae: This movie starts by answering the age-old question: can you stab a bimbo to death with a waffle cone? Common sense says no, but common sense is not much on display with this movie. Basically a guy decides to open the ice cream version of Hooters. And then the bimbos start being hacked to pieces by a guy in a Scream ghost killer costume only with a bucket over his head. The whole thing looked as if it cost $1000 to make and so little of it made sense. Like, what kind of ice cream shop has a locker room and showers? But to go all Andrew Leon on this, there's a writing lesson here: when writing a slasher story, you need more than a collection of bimbos; you have to have that one goody-goody virginal main character people can root for. Otherwise, who gives a fuck? Basically not even all the nudity and gratuitous whipped cream fights can save a completely idiotic movie. (1/5)
The Black Knight Returns: This is about as low-budget as any fan film. It reminds me a little of the Scarlet Knight series as it was first conceived in that there's a secret society of knights from Arthurian times who protect the world. There's something about bad guys and some toxin..then I fell asleep. I doubt I missed much except really badly choreographed fight scenes. (Inc.)
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Do You Think I'm Sexy? The Ultimate Insecure Writer Support Group Post
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Monday, August 4, 2014
Poll: The Superior Batman
Recently I added another Batman figure to my action figure collection: the Batman of Planet X or Batman of Zur-en-Arrh. (The one in the Mardi Gras costume of purple, red, and yellow.) He appeared in a 50s comic and then was resurrected by Grant Morrison for Batman RIP in 2008. I wanted a figure of him after I read that in 2012 but I guess it took another year and then a year for me to find out it existed. There was also a Lego version at ComicCon this year.
Anyway, this begs the question: which Batman would win in a fight?
Here are the contenders:
Classic Batman:
Weapon: Batarang
Armor: None
Attack style: Totally ninja!
Batman of Zur-en-Arrh
Weapon: Baseball bat
Armor: None
Attack style: Berserker!
Azrael Batman:
Weapons: Dart guns, Flamethrower
Armor: Bulletproof, Fireproof
Attack style: Brute force
So in a Battle for the Cowl who do you think would win?
My pick is Azrael Batman. I don't care that he "lost" in the comics; Bruce Wayne beat him with words more than fists. In an actual fight he might not have ninja skills but he has almost Iron Man-level armor with dart guns and freaking flamethrower! Flamethrower>Batarang/Baseball bat. But you may feel differently.
Let the debate commence!
(For the record, the Scarlet Knight could take all of them because she's got ninja skills, impenetrable armor, and a magic sword.)
Anyway, this begs the question: which Batman would win in a fight?
 |
| Right to left: Classic Batman, Azrael, Original Azrael Batman, Final Azrael Batman, Batman of Zur-en-Arrh |
Here are the contenders:
Classic Batman:
Weapon: Batarang
Armor: None
Attack style: Totally ninja!
Batman of Zur-en-Arrh
Weapon: Baseball bat
Armor: None
Attack style: Berserker!
Azrael Batman:
Weapons: Dart guns, Flamethrower
Armor: Bulletproof, Fireproof
Attack style: Brute force
So in a Battle for the Cowl who do you think would win?
My pick is Azrael Batman. I don't care that he "lost" in the comics; Bruce Wayne beat him with words more than fists. In an actual fight he might not have ninja skills but he has almost Iron Man-level armor with dart guns and freaking flamethrower! Flamethrower>Batarang/Baseball bat. But you may feel differently.
Let the debate commence!
(For the record, the Scarlet Knight could take all of them because she's got ninja skills, impenetrable armor, and a magic sword.)
Friday, August 1, 2014
Movie Round-Up 8/1/14
Some more movie reviews you probably don't care about.
Timeline: I read the book version of this when it first came out about 15 years ago. I remember thinking it would make a good movie. This was both a compliment and insult as the ending had a little more punch than many of Crichton's earlier works, but at the same time it fell more into cliches. Such is the case with the movie as well, which strangely I never got around to watching until now. Basically what happens is some scientists are trying to teleport stuff and find a wormhole to 1357 France. Then they lose some guys there and send some archaeologists to rescue them, sort of like Jurassic Park if they had traveled to dinosaur times. From there it's kind of predictable and cliche, but there are some nice medieval battle scenes. I'm not sure if this counts as the secret origin of Gerard Butler or not, but it's probably one of the first big American movies he was featured in. It also features the late Paul Walker, though I think this was post Fast & Furious. (2.5/5)
Beowulf: This was the 2007 version that uses that Robert Zemeckis animation like "Polar Express." It occurred to me that for Zemeckis it's like my Sims 3 characters; he thinks it's awesome and everyone else just thinks it's fucking creepy. I mean these people who look almost real, but not quite real. It's weird. So that gives this movie points off going in. Then basically the movie just makes Beowulf seem like a complete ass. He runs around fighting Grendel naked and shouting, "I am Beowulf!" And then doesn't kill Grendel's mommy so he can be king, which he realizes eventually sucks. And Grendel's mommy is an especially creepy Anjelina Jolie who's sort of naked, but covered from the neck down in gold and has built in stiletto heels. It's hard to believe Neil Gaiman wrote and executive produced this. Well, they can't all be winners. (2/5) "The 13th Warrior" is still my Beowulf movie of choice.
Down in the Valley: It's like Last Action Hero or Pleasantville only with porno movies! Chris Pratt and some other guy are beamed into an alternate universe where all the women are busty bimbos and the guys are super hung. It sounds like it should be awesome, but it's complicated by a dominatrix cop and a super hung male cop who keep chasing them for barely defined reasons. It was pretty funny at poking fun of porno movie tropes, though like many pornos it could have used some better production values. (3/5)
All Cheerleaders Die: This seemed like the kind of silly movie I'd watch late on Friday or Saturday (see above) but unfortunately the stupid USPS didn't get it to me until Monday. Anyway from the title it seems like it's a slasher movie where someone is killing cheerleaders. In actuality it's Pet Semetery--Cheerleader Edition. Basically some cheerleaders die when some jerk football players run them off the road. But one cheerleader has a stalkery friend into Wicca and using magic crystals she brings them back to life as flesh-eating ghouls. And for some reason two sisters switch bodies. And then mayhem ensues. It was, to say the least, pretty odd, even for me. (1.5/5)
The Baytown Outlaws: It's basically The Boondock Saints meets Smokin Aces. If you've never seen either of those movies it's about redneck brothers who work as sort of hired muscle for the local sheriff in an Alabama town (actually Louisiana). After they kill a bunch of Mexicans in what turns out to be the wrong house, a woman shows up offering them $25,000. They take the job to get her godson from evil crime lord Carlos (Billy Bob Thornton cashing a paycheck) except there's a hitch: the kid is in a wheelchair! They then end up getting chased by colorful outlaws: killer hookers, black pirates, and Native American bikers. And in the process the rednecks learn about tolerance, except for gays and most women. It's a serviceable action movie overall, but it's a shame they couldn't find Billy Bob Thornton more to do than be the stereotypical bad guy. He does have one great rant comparing his crime organization to Wal-Mart but from recently watching the "Fargo" series you know he can be way more badass. (2.5/5)
Timeline: I read the book version of this when it first came out about 15 years ago. I remember thinking it would make a good movie. This was both a compliment and insult as the ending had a little more punch than many of Crichton's earlier works, but at the same time it fell more into cliches. Such is the case with the movie as well, which strangely I never got around to watching until now. Basically what happens is some scientists are trying to teleport stuff and find a wormhole to 1357 France. Then they lose some guys there and send some archaeologists to rescue them, sort of like Jurassic Park if they had traveled to dinosaur times. From there it's kind of predictable and cliche, but there are some nice medieval battle scenes. I'm not sure if this counts as the secret origin of Gerard Butler or not, but it's probably one of the first big American movies he was featured in. It also features the late Paul Walker, though I think this was post Fast & Furious. (2.5/5)
Beowulf: This was the 2007 version that uses that Robert Zemeckis animation like "Polar Express." It occurred to me that for Zemeckis it's like my Sims 3 characters; he thinks it's awesome and everyone else just thinks it's fucking creepy. I mean these people who look almost real, but not quite real. It's weird. So that gives this movie points off going in. Then basically the movie just makes Beowulf seem like a complete ass. He runs around fighting Grendel naked and shouting, "I am Beowulf!" And then doesn't kill Grendel's mommy so he can be king, which he realizes eventually sucks. And Grendel's mommy is an especially creepy Anjelina Jolie who's sort of naked, but covered from the neck down in gold and has built in stiletto heels. It's hard to believe Neil Gaiman wrote and executive produced this. Well, they can't all be winners. (2/5) "The 13th Warrior" is still my Beowulf movie of choice.
Down in the Valley: It's like Last Action Hero or Pleasantville only with porno movies! Chris Pratt and some other guy are beamed into an alternate universe where all the women are busty bimbos and the guys are super hung. It sounds like it should be awesome, but it's complicated by a dominatrix cop and a super hung male cop who keep chasing them for barely defined reasons. It was pretty funny at poking fun of porno movie tropes, though like many pornos it could have used some better production values. (3/5)
All Cheerleaders Die: This seemed like the kind of silly movie I'd watch late on Friday or Saturday (see above) but unfortunately the stupid USPS didn't get it to me until Monday. Anyway from the title it seems like it's a slasher movie where someone is killing cheerleaders. In actuality it's Pet Semetery--Cheerleader Edition. Basically some cheerleaders die when some jerk football players run them off the road. But one cheerleader has a stalkery friend into Wicca and using magic crystals she brings them back to life as flesh-eating ghouls. And for some reason two sisters switch bodies. And then mayhem ensues. It was, to say the least, pretty odd, even for me. (1.5/5)
The Baytown Outlaws: It's basically The Boondock Saints meets Smokin Aces. If you've never seen either of those movies it's about redneck brothers who work as sort of hired muscle for the local sheriff in an Alabama town (actually Louisiana). After they kill a bunch of Mexicans in what turns out to be the wrong house, a woman shows up offering them $25,000. They take the job to get her godson from evil crime lord Carlos (Billy Bob Thornton cashing a paycheck) except there's a hitch: the kid is in a wheelchair! They then end up getting chased by colorful outlaws: killer hookers, black pirates, and Native American bikers. And in the process the rednecks learn about tolerance, except for gays and most women. It's a serviceable action movie overall, but it's a shame they couldn't find Billy Bob Thornton more to do than be the stereotypical bad guy. He does have one great rant comparing his crime organization to Wal-Mart but from recently watching the "Fargo" series you know he can be way more badass. (2.5/5)
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