Can Grumpy Bulldog Make a Decent GI JOE Movie?

At first I was like, No, Joe, but then later I was like Yo, Joe!  So here we go with another excruciating fake movie plot.  I think I came up with something fairly close to the old cartoon and comic book that's also not ridiculously unrealistic.  Maybe hyper-real like they said about the Nolan Batman movies.

So let's start in a town called Springfield, which was used in both the cartoon and comics at one point.  It's just an ordinary summer night and then all the sudden the power goes out!  Not just houses, but everything:  cars, phones, etc.  In the darkness armed men in masks start ransacking the place and escape before the local cops and later National Guard can get there.

A few days later, retired General Clayton Abernathy (aka Hawk) is jogging when a gorgeous redhead appears next to him.  She's Scarlett and reveals that Hawk's old bosses want to talk to him in the Pentagon.  He eventually agrees and she takes him to DC to meet General Flagg.  Flagg tells him there's a new player in terrorism and they were responsible for the mess in Springfield.  All they have is a broadcast with a Cobra symbol and Cobra Commander inviting everyone to join him to create a new world order.  They don't have the location, but Flagg says they have a lead.  They need a team assembled off the books to get an asset into this Cobra group and find out what's happening.  Flagg and company are certain Springfield was just the dress rehearsal for something bigger.

Hawk and Scarlett split up then to recruit their team.  Hawk goes to an army base where Flint is whooping on some raw recruits.  After a couple of tours in Afghanistan/Iraq, Flint was rotated back to the States, but he's more than ready to get back into action.

Meanwhile Scarlet is in Japan, where she tracks down Snake Eyes.  Through sign language and crap she convinces him to come with her and help them investigate Cobra.

They all wind up in Barcelona or somewhere by the Mediterranean coast.  They meet their contact, code name Lady Jaye.  She doesn't know where Cobra is, but she's got a line on someone who does.  It's a former East European spy code named Baroness.  She's arriving in the area soon.  The plan is to capture her and Lady Jaye will take her place and go to Cobra's lair to infiltrate.  So then there's a big action scene where they take down the Baroness and her guards, during which Flint comes to Lady Jaye's rescue or she comes to his.  They take Baroness to a secluded location and get the location of the base on an island in the Aegean or something.

The Baroness has a ship for her and Flint goes undercover as the Baroness's underling, but Scarlett and Snake Eyes need a nondescript way to get there, so they go to the port and there find a local guy who's called Shipwreck because he's ended up on the wrong side of every crew he's with.  He agrees to help take Scarlett and Snake Eyes to the island.

Meanwhile Hawk goes back to the States to find his old buddy Conrad Hauser, aka Duke.  When the shit hits the fan, Hawk needs a strike team that doesn't have to answer to anyone should things go south.  (You know, the Mission Impossible thing where if you fail the Secretary will disavow all knowledge of you.)  They recruit some of the best of the best like Gung Ho, Roadblock, Stalker, Rock n Roll, Ace, Wild Bill, Doc, and some more generic guys like Grunt and Zap.  And one of their recruits is some random guy who's actually Zartan, the master of disguise.

On the way to the island, Lady Jaye and Flint get a little romantically involved while Scarlett and Snake Eyes get reconnected...and Shipwreck just does the comic relief.  They finally get to the island with some elaborate old temple that's hiding Cobra's secret lair.  Lady Jaye as the Baroness meets Cobra Commander (I'd go with the hooded model), Destro, Firefly, Major Bludd, and Storm Shadow.  Flint gets a little annoyed when Destro starts kissing Lady Jaye's hand and stuff.  While Lady Jaye starts trying to find out what Cobra's up to, Flint looks around the lower access places.  He uncovers Cobra's secret army and high-tech vehicles and so forth.

Lady Jaye deflects Destro's attentions and sneaks into the command center to find some information.  She finds something on a project called Pyramid of Darkness.  Before she can find out what that's about, Storm Shadow appears.  They fight, but she's captured and her identity is revealed.  Flint finds out and contacts the others on the island.  Scarlett and Snake Eyes spring into action while Shipwreck stays with their boat to make a quick getaway.  Flint stages a distraction that helps the other two get in and they converge on Lady Jaye, who's being tortured for information but not cooperating.  While Snake Eyes takes on Storm Shadow, Flint and Scarlett rescue Lady Jaye.  Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow are at a draw and it takes a little effort for Scarlett to make him leave.  They head back to the boat and high tail it out of there.  Cobra pursues, but Hawk has arranged some backup to get them out of there and they get on a carrier to debrief.

Meanwhile Duke and the recruits are getting ready to launch a strike on Cobra's base.  But Zartan sneaks some of his buddies onto the base and they end up wrecking the place, leaving the strike team pretty much without any weapons.  At the same time, Firefly breaks Baroness out of custody to bring her to Destro on a submarine.

Meanwhile Lady Jaye and Flint are cozying up after their adventure and Scarlett asks Snake Eyes about Storm Shadow and he relates how Storm Shadow killed Snake Eyes's master and all that jazz.  Hawk gets word from Flagg that the strike team has been sidelined and they're going to send in some Special Forces guys instead and that the Baroness has escaped.

They watch the Special Forces raid on the island.  Except everything is gone!  The whole place has been emptied out.  Somehow Cobra has slipped out without being detected.  Flagg thanks Hawk and the team for their service and says they'll all go back to their usual units now--which for Hawk means retirement.  Needless to say no one is happy about this.  Cobra is still out there but no one believes them!

Lady Jaye and Flint are talking later about what they're going to do now and some hidden clue comes to her that indicates Cobra's next target is Fort Knox!  They're going to use their weapon to knock out all the power and steal the gold, bringing America to its knees.  They go to Hawk, but Flagg won't believe him.  So they have no choice but to take matters into their own hands.

Hawk gets everyone together (live and via satellite!) to lay things out.  He tells them how back in the day he was part of another team like this, a secret unit that did the dirty work that couldn't be done through official channels.  There were no ranks and such, they just called each other:  GI Joe.  And their battle cry was Yo, Joe!  Now if they're willing, he wants to bring it back at least one last time.  Everyone is pretty psyched about this.

Hawk and the others (including Shipwreck, who's at least temporarily joining the team) go back to the States.  They meet Duke and the recruits that are left.  Hawk leads them to "The Pit" where the old Joe unit's decommissioned weapons are being kept by a grizzled old guy--the original Joe who was Hawk's commanding officer back in the day.  Clutch is there with his girlfriend Cover Girl keeping the vehicles in good shape.  There are tanks, jeeps, planes, and helicopters.  All old but serviceable.  And so they head for Kentucky.  Yo Joe!

Cobra stages a feint on the DC area while it launches its Pyramid of Darkness on Fort Knox.  Cobra Commander (in battle armor) and company celebrate as they enter the fort to start taking the gold.  But before they can make off with the gold, the Joes show up and the battle begins.  Ultimately Snake Eyes has to fight with Storm Shadow and Lady Jaye and Flint fight Baroness and Destro.  Hawk keeps Cobra Commander from escaping.

With Cobra's attack on the fort foiled, their distraction forces are rounded up.  Flagg thanks Hawk and Hawk asks if he can keep his unit together, at least for now.  And Flagg agrees.  Scarlett talks with Snake Eyes and convinces him to stick around.  Lady Jaye and Flint are both staying and she invites him out on a date.

Everything seems great, but in the epilogue Cobra Commander is being transported to a secret facility when the convoy is attacked by Zartan and his minions.  And so Cobra Commander is free and ready to try again.

I think that has most of the characters people remember from the 80s and is only somewhat implausible.  Best of all, no robot suits, no Baroness with blond hair, no Cobra Commander with hair, or any of that lame shit from the first live action attempt.  Maybe call it something like GI Joe Returns or something.

For the hell of it, here's some completely unrealistic casting that is to various degrees sarcastic:
Joes:
General Hawk:  Brendan Fraser (I mean, he'd be cheap, right? And probably old enough by now.)
General Flagg:  Liam Neeson
Scarlett:  Jessica Chastain
Snake Eyes: Ray Park (Or whoever. I mean we can't see him anyway.)
Lady Jaye: Anne Hathaway
Flint: Henry Cavill or (to fuck with racist "fans") John Boyega
Shipwreck: Oscar Isaac (before you nitpick, "fans," Shipwreck's real name is Hector Delgado)
Duke: Armie Hammer
Roadblock: Terry Crews
Dusty: Matthew McConaghuey
Gung Ho: Norman Reedus
Beach Head: Jon Hamm
Stalker: Jamie Foxx
Doc: Ray Fisher
Lifeline: Tobey Maguire
Breaker: Zach Galifinakis
Ace: James Marsden
Wild Bill: Woody Harrellson
Clutch: Ben Foster
Cover Girl: Michelle Williams
Mutt & Junkyard: Michael Kaltenmark & Trip (I think Trip has the range to play a Rottweiler)
Footloose:  The Ghost of Bill Paxton
Blowtorch:  Ron Weasley
Spirit: Team Jacob
Snow Job: Seth Green

COBRA!:
Cobra Commander:  Nicolas Cage (Another who comes cheap and who does crazy better? Maybe Joaquin Phoenix or Jared Leto?)  Or Doug Jones since he's good a playing fish guys, so why not a snake guy?  And then if you could digitally recreate Chris Latta's iconic voice, that would be awesome.
Destro: Idris Elba (I will accept no other suggestions!)
Baroness: Alicia Vikander (or Mila Jokavich if you want to skew older)
Major Bludd: Aaron Eckhart (He's Australian!)
Zartan: Guy Pearce (Also Australian so you can flip-flop him and Eckhart if you want)
Firefly: Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Storm Shadow: Jet Li
Dr. Mindbender: Mark Strong
Copperhead: Michael Rooker
Dreadnoks: Extras from Mad Max: Fury Road
Road Pig: Andy Serkis in motion capture rig--or he could just put on 50 pounds
Crystal Ball: Stephen King (wink!)
Viper #6: Me! (I don't have the acting chops for Road Pig)

And then you have all those other crucial roles like Cobra Officer, Alley Viper, Ice Cream Soldier...