Ranking Rocky Movies

At its heart, the Rocky movies are about love.  Romantic love, love of family, love of country, and love of sports.  So makes sense for Valentine's Day, right?

Last month I finally got around to watching Creed II, which is the last movie (to date) in the Rocky Balboa saga.  And since we're ranking things, why not rank Rocky movies?  Because no one who reads this blog has probably seen them?  Meh, big whoop.

8.  Rocky V:  This was the one so bad it pretty much got retconned out of existence.  The idea was to take Rocky back to his roots by having him get brain damage and lose all his money so he had to move back to his old hood in Philly with Adrian and his teenage son.  Then he starts training a kid called Tommy Gunn, who winds up defecting to a Don King-type promoter.  When the media keeps badgering him about Rocky, he decides to go fight Rocky in the street.  So it's a movie about boxing without a real boxing match at the end!  Meanwhile Rocky and his son bond or something.  It's all boring and dumb and really you should never, ever cast your own real-life son as your son in the movie.  I don't think that has ever worked out:  Rocky V, Godfather III, After Earth...what are some other examples?

7.  Rocky II:  Not a bad movie, but it's mostly pretty boring.  After the big fight in the first movie, Rocky decides to retire and marry Adrian and knock her up.  Meanwhile, Apollo Creed is chafing that he didn't knock Rocky out and while he said, "Ain't gonna be no rematch" guess what?  Rematch! And while Apollo could have again won on points, he decides to go toe-to-toe with Rocky and loses.  Hooray!  The first movie was good despite that Rocky doesn't win because it was supposed to show that he had the heart to go the distance.  This then seems to tack on an unnecessarily happy ending by allowing him to become the champ.

6.  Rocky III:  It's not a bad movie so much as it's just pretty cheesy.  It features both Hulk Hogan and Mr. T!  You don't get much more 80s cheese than that.  And there's about as much homoerotic male bonding on the beach as in Top Gun.  But there is "The Eye of the Tiger," so that's pretty awesome. Besides the cheese, the movie doesn't really develop Mr. T's Clubber Lang much beyond that he was poor and angry.

5.  Rocky IV:  About as cheesy as the previous entry.  Maybe even more so thanks to the Vince DiCola synthesizer score and corny robot given to Paulie for his birthday.  Mostly it's old school vs new school, USA vs USSR as Rocky fights the big Russian Ivan Drago who's the product of the best training and steroids the Soviets can provide.  In an exhibition match, Drago kills Apollo Creed and so Rocky swears revenge and goes to Russia to train by cutting wood, dragging rocks, and running up snow-capped mountains.  That gives him the bulk and stamina to defeat Drago.  Hooray!  It pretty much follows the script of the previous movie, only it's Apollo dying instead of Mickey.  Drago doesn't get much development character-wise either. And there's another Survivor song that's not quite as good as "Eye of the Tiger."

4.  Creed:  I don't remember this movie all that well.  I've only watched it once I think.  Stallone realized he had gone as far as he could with Rocky as a fighter, so a spin-off was the only way to keep it going without doing a straight-up reboot.  Since Rocky's son wasn't interested in being a fighter, they bring in a son of Apollo Creed named Adonis or Donnie.  He's long lived in his dead father's shadow, but finally is able to claim his legacy with Rocky's help.  And he helps Rocky battle cancer while also falling in love with a deaf singer.  It put a fresh take on the Rocky formula without the cheesiness of the 80s movies.

3.  Rocky Balboa:  This was a soft reboot of Rocky V, only about 15 years after that movie.  The scenario is a bit forced as ESPN stages an imaginary fight between Rocky in his prime and the current champ.  And Rocky wins!  So what can the current champ do?  Fight the 60-ish Rocky, of course.  At first Rocky resists, but eventually decides he "has something in the basement."  Meanwhile he meets a woman, manages a restaurant called Adrian's, and tries to connect with his son, this time played by Milo Ventimiglia of This is Us.  At times it's slow, but it's a lot less cheesy than Rocky V and the fight scenes were filmed better than most of the movies.  It was a really great way to close the book on Rocky--as a fighter at least.

2.  Creed II:  I'm not sure if there will be a Creed III or another spin-off, but this would serve as a good send off to the Rocky saga as it's not just a sequel to the first Creed movie, but also Rocky IV.  As mentioned above, Drago killed Apollo Creed, Adonis's father.  About 30 years later, Drago has a son who challenges Adonis to a fight.  When Adonis accepts, Drago Jr. beats the crap out of him, but he doesn't "win" the fight since he's disqualified for hitting Adonis when he was down.  Still, Adonis can't bring himself to get back into the ring.  Meanwhile he marries his girlfriend and they have a baby who might be deaf like her mother.  Back in Russia, Drago and son were personas non grata before, but now that they humiliated the American champ they're welcomed back with open arms.  Even Drago's ex-wife Brigitte Nielsen is willing to see him and their son again.  Eventually Adonis decides he has to fight Drago Jr. again and so Rocky takes him to Mexico or somewhere to train.  The final fight is an epic brawl in the ring with Adonis slowly gaining the upper hand.  Seeing his son wobbling but refusing to give in--and seeing that his ex has bailed again--Drago ends the fight by throwing in the towel, finally realizing that winning isn't everything.  And so Adnois retains his title, but also proves to himself and the world he has what it takes while Drago and son finally move on with their lives.  And Rocky goes to Quebec or somewhere like that to track down his son--again played by Milo Ventimiglia--and grandson.  Pretty much a happy ending for everyone.  So if there's not another movie that was a pretty good way to end it, wrapping up most everything.

1.  Rocky:  The OG Rocky movie!  It is kind of slow through the first two acts as Rocky awkwardly courts Adrian, the shy pet store clerk, and shakes down people for the local mob.  Meanwhile, after the fighter he was supposed to fight has to pull out, Apollo Creed decides to fight a nobody and picks Rocky for the match.  It's the final act that really cements the film and the series's legacy as it introduces what we all came to know and love about these movies:  the training montage with Rocky running up the steps to "Gonna Fly Now," and then the epic 15-round bout with Apollo Creed--that he loses but manages to go the distance.  Yo, Adrian, he did it!  As far as opponents go, Apollo is the best fleshed-out of any of them.  He doesn't have the cartoonish qualities of Mr. T or Drago.  Unlike Rocky, Apollo is the champ and a successful businessman.  Maybe that's why it doesn't really feel too bad that Apollo actually wins the match.  It's pretty much a win-win!

And there you go, my list.  Not that anyone cares.