Ranking Star Wars

Another post Tony Laplume did at the end of the year on his Film Fan blog was ranking Star Wars.  Being a big fan of the prequels, of course he ranked those a lot higher than I would.  His ranking of The Empire Strikes Back was pretty rank too.

So because no one asked, here is my ranking list.*

*I haven't seen Solo, nor do I plan to, so it won't be included.  I'm also not including the animated Clone Wars movie  Just the main Star Wars saga and Rogue One.

10.  The Last Jedi:  Do I even need to delve into this?  I've spent plenty of blog space on why this movie sucks.  Yet of course people still think it's good.  Shame on you.  I mean sure it looks nice and there's diversity, but the story itself is absolute garbage that can only resolve itself through an obvious deus ex machina.  What it did to Luke Skywalker was only slightly less traumatizing than killing Optimus Prime in Transformers: The Movie.  If that's your best Star Wars, you're doing it wrong.

9.  Attack of the Clones:  A largely boring story and wooden acting ruin this middle part of the prequel trilogy.  The only thing to recommend it is that it minimizes the involvement of Jar-Jar Binks.  Some people think Yoda fighting with a lightsaber is cool, but to me it always looked ridiculous against a full-sized opponent.  The relationship between Anakin and Padme is about as well done as any James Nguyen movie.  (If you don't know who that is, watch Birdemic, Julie & Jack, and Replica on Rifftrax.)

8.  The Phantom Menace:  After about 15 years with no movies, the world was abuzz for a new chapter in the Star Wars saga.  and then we got this.  It tried much too hard to cater to the kids and push the merchandise.  The story itself gets bogged down in lame bureaucratic minutiae and unnecessary coincidences like Anakin having no father and creating C3-PO.  An overly long pod race, the most annoying child actor ever, Natalie Portman with more costume changes than a Cher concert, and of course Jar-Jar Binks and the largely racist Trade Federation Viceroys.  Liam Neeson tries to add some gravitas, but he's in the wrong movie.  Ewan McGregor would be the stand out of the next two movies but he's wasted here.  The only thing saving it from being a complete disaster is the epic lightsaber duel to "Duel of the Fates," the best John Williams piece since "Imperial March."

7.  Rise of Skywalker:  It tried hard to clean up after its predecessor and Make Star Wars Epic Again, but does it with needless plot complications:  Chewie "dying," C3-PO not being able to translate Sith to them, and that whole dagger thing in general.  Trying to give Rey an epic destiny and bring in a new Big Bad just makes things more of a mess.  A well-intentioned mess but hardly a satisfactory conclusion.

6.  Return of the Jedi:  Speaking of unsatisfactory conclusions...this was a lot better, but the movie itself is kind of a mess.  It keeps shifting tone from serious (Luke, Vader, the Emperor) to goofy (Ewoks!).  When you're a kid it's not so bad, but it doesn't age all that well.  I mean Ewoks killing armored Stormtroopers with rocks and sticks?  WTF?!  The space battle is pretty cool and Luke confronting Vader is pretty awesome; it just needed a more consistent ramp-up to that.  And Luke and Leia being siblings?  Weird.

5.  Rogue One:  Most of the movie is the typical prequel:  overly complicated and connecting dots that probably never needed connected.  The deaths of...everyone seem pretty forced, like the producers just didn't want to answer ComiCon questions about why Jyn Erso wasn't in the other movies for the rest of their lives.  Had it ended that way it would probably be a couple notches down on my list.  But the epic Vader scene at the end made up for it.  For the first time in a movie we really saw Vader as the Vader we imagined when he first came through the smoke on the corvette in Episode IV.  Why haven't we had a Darth Vader movie yet?  Get on it, Disney!

4.  Force Awakens:  After another 10 years without a real movie (just the Clone Wars animated movie) and the bad taste left by the prequels in general there wasn't a high bar for Episode VII.  Perhaps owing to how Disney rushed this into production after buying Lucasfilm, the story winds up being a faded copy of Episode IV.  There are a lot of things that don't make much sense:  Poe getting "thrown from the wreck" and somehow falling out of his jacket; the Millennium Falcon being there for years with no one noticing; Rey being able to fly it almost instantly; going to lightspeed inside a hangar and through a shield (why didn't they just do that in Rogue One?)...but there was potential, which Rian Johnson squandered because he wanted a gritty and "real" epic space opera--an oxymoron if there ever was one.  Don't get me started.

3.  Revenge of the Sith:  Like the other prequels it's not really great, but this tries hard.  There are a couple of great scenes to make you think what might have been, like the Jedi being slaughtered and Anakin's fateful decision to go to the Emperor's office that leads to Mace Windu's death.  The final battle between Anakin and Obi-Wan was technically good but thematically it was just two guys jumping around a lot and whirling blue laser swords around.  All the CGI and green screen never really made it feel like a real thing.  As I said before, Ewan McGregor is the stand out of this series, especially in this movie.  Natalie Portman is again largely squandered and her death makes absolutely no sense.  Hayden Christiansen is better the second time around, but still doesn't have the chops to pull off what needed to be a nuanced character.  It seems none of the trilogies could ever pull off an entirely satisfying finish, but at least this didn't feature Ewoks.

2.  A New Hope:  The OG Star Wars!  I'll admit it's never really been my favorite.  I think in part because the raw look of it just didn't fit with the later movies.  Not really its fault.  It's a pretty basic story of good vs evil, without the operatic overtones of the rest of the original trilogy.  Which makes sense because no one knew it would become the biggest movie in the world when it came out and change the film industry forever.  It was designed as a one-off that also left room for a sequel...

1.  The Empire Strikes Back:  Unless you're some contrarian like Tony Laplume or Scott Mendelson, I don't know how you can not rate this as the best.  OK, not the best looking now, but in 1980 it was at the forefront of cinematic design and technology.  It really puts the opera in space opera with the epic twist that Darth Vader (Anakin Skywalker) is Luke's father!  The romance between Han and Leia is simply the best of any other movie in the franchise, with a real, unforced chemistry.  While not as technically proficient as Episode I & III, the lightsaber battle is the best.  You start with Luke seeming to hold his own and then ending with Luke throwing himself seemingly to his death to escape.  Not to mention Boba Fett!  Yoda!  Lando!  AT-ATs!  Super Star Destroyer!  All it lacks is a really cool space battle to be perfect.  The only other unfortunate thing is that saying Vader is Luke's father planted the seeds for the prequels.

There you go.  That's my list.