I should probably read more of Bukowski's work at some point, because in some ways I think we're kindred spirits: often rejected, angry loner types. Though obviously he achieved some success eventually. Incidentally if you get a chance the movie version of "Factotum" was good and contains a lot of the same themes as this book. It was on Netflix at one point, though perhaps not anymore.
Post Office
by Charles Bukowski
(4/5 stars)
If you really hate your job, "Post Office" beats a whole stack of
Dilbert cartoons or watching an endless loop of "Office Space,"
"Clerks," and other workplace comedies. From the way Bukowski describes
the post office, it's no wonder "going postal" entered our lexicon.
It's probably also why my uncle who worked for the post office for a
number of years was always so cranky.
The story concerns
Bukowski's alterego Henry Chinaski. When he's a younger man, Henry does
his first stint at the post office as a substitute mail carrier. As
the motto says, he winds up trudging through rain (and mud) and dark of
night, occasionally being attacked by the odd dog or two. This finances
Henry's life of drinking and cavorting with Betty.
Eventually
Henry moves on to other jobs and other women, including a wealthy
heiress with a thing for animals and geraniums. He drinks and cavorts a
lot with all of these and even fathers a child with one. To support
this lifestyle Henry is drawn back to the post office, this time working
as a clerk. It's a maddening, routine job that his supervisors only
make more maddening. One of the funniest parts is early on when Henry's
supervisor keeps writing him up for ignoring his write ups, which Henry
keeps throwing in the trash.
Despite that his style is like a
seventh grade student's, Bukowski's writing has a drunken swagger that
makes it enjoyable. I have to wonder how much of what happens was based
on real events and how much was just bravado. While it never rises to
the level of "Catch-22" or "1984" it still demonstrates the crushing
effect of a soulless bureaucracy on the common people.
Of course a
lot of people will not want to read this because of the bad language,
the sex, the violence to women, and so forth. But if you're a fan of
writers like Hemingway, Chuck Palahniuk, or Bret Easton Ellis or you
just have a really crummy job, then you'll get a kick of this.
(4/5 stars)
Tomorrow Box Office Blitz Continues...
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
February Recap
Did you notice this exists? |
Anyway, what happened on this blog in February?
Um, basically the second Scarlet Knight story landed with a dull thud. Hooray! My bitter announcement that I was cutting the price actually came in at #2 this month, behind the BIG ANNOUNCEMENT that the paperback of the first book was coming out. So I guess maybe instead of actual posts I should just make random announcements because that seems to get people's attention. If I could I'd rent one of those big gorilla balloons too.
And here's a smattering of stuff I watched in February:
- A Good Day to Die Hard: Before my niece's birthday party I had a couple hours to kill and decided to go watch Die Hard 5. It was OK. It was one of those really cost-efficient productions where they only cast one recognizable actor (Bruce Willis), shoot in a cheap foreign location (Hungary), keep the length fairly short (97 minutes) and don't go as nuts on the stunts as in the previous one. There's still a lot of gunplay and an epic car chase that probably destroyed half the cars in Hungary. Anyway, I was getting worried near the end that this wasn't going to be a true Die Hard movie as every Die Hard plot (except maybe the 2nd one which I haven't watched in like 20 years) involves supposed terrorists who are actually thieves, but then (spoiler!) there was the plot twist near the end. Whew! Anyway, it was pretty meh. A decent Redbox rental, but I wished I hadn't paid $7 for it. But then what else was I going to watch? Identity Thief? Snitch? Escape From Planet Earth? Argh.
- As an aside here, one of the previews appropriately was for this "Olympus is Down" movie that's basically "Air Force One" in the White House. Well except the president is actually one of the hostages and some former Secret Service detail guy has to save him, which is closer to "Sudden Death" with Jean-Claude Van Damme. Anyway, they cast Aaron Eckhart as the president (which is impossible because he's Australian) and it got me thinking that we have a black president on his second term now and yet supposedly liberal Hollywood with very few exceptions always casts white guys as the president. Come on, get with the program, Tinseltown! It's the second decade of the 21st Century now, really.
- Reaper: I finally got around to watching this on Netflix. I had in my queue for 2 years or so and just never got around to it. Then of course I do and by the time I get up to episode 14 Netflix decides they'll pull it. So now I have to finish watching it on DVDs borrowed from my sisters. Anyway, it was an OK show, not great. The first half-dozen episodes really reminded me of the first season of "Smallville." Basically the kid fights a monster, fails once, and then wins the second go-around. All while pining for the mannish Katie Holmes clone. But the devil is pretty awesome, even if he looks like a Mitt Romney impersonator. Or maybe Mitt got style tips from the devil...hurm. Anyway, of course I got right up to where things were getting more interesting as Sam the slacker version of "Ghost Rider" starts to conspire with a couple of gay demons to overthrow the devil or something.
- The Bourne Legacy: My funny Tweet no one I'm sure noticed that summarizes this was they should have called it The Bored Legacy. Because it was boring. It gets more interesting once Jeremy Renner and Rachel Weisz meet up, but that takes over an hour! The first hour is all an elaborate setup trying to connect this supersoldier program to the Bourne movies. Zzzzzzz. The supersoldier program is more like the Jem H'Dar in Deep Space 9 than Captain America, as Jeremy Renner has to keep taking these pills or else he'll turn back into Forrest Gump or something. So he decides to take Rachel Weisz to Indonesia so she can inject him with a virus that will make him a supersoldier forever. Wait why aren't they giving these shots to everyone? I don't care if it almost kills me if it means I'll be super smart and can take down legions of bad guys. Anyway, the payoff was a little weak. It involves a motorcycle chase that seemed to go on for a half-hour, to the point that I fast-forwarded it. But now that all the setup is done I might be interested in watching a second one, unless they kill Rachel Weisz off in the first five minutes like they did in the second Bourne movie, which turned me off that franchise.
- Taken 2: I enjoyed the first Taken, as I will pretty much enjoy most anything Liam Neeson is involved in...not so much the Phantom Menace. Anyway, this clocks in at about 85 minutes, which really illustrates the problem that everything was too simple and straightforward. He goes to Istanbul, gets captured, escapes with the help of his daughter chucking grenades around the city (seriously), and then kills like half the population of Albania. Which is fine with me. I had these awful Albanian neighbors years ago; the woman screeched all the time like George's mom on "Seinfeld" only in Albanian. Where's Liam Neeson when you need him to chop her in the throat?
- Lawless: This was OK, maybe slightly better than I thought it'd be. Except I don't know why they bothered hiring Gary Oldman to play the one gangster because he pretty much does nothing. There's one scene where he just gets out of a car and mows some random people down with a Tommy Gun and that's pretty much his only contribution to the movie. But on the bright side Jessica Chastain goes topless, so there's that.
- Savages: If you're a fan of "Breaking Bad" then this covers some familiar ground. Basically the two slacker pot makers are kind of like Walt and Jesse, in that they're small time operators who have a really awesome product, only pot and not meth. Except then a bigger cartel starts to muscle in, this one run by Selma Hayek in a bad Cleopatra wig. Then you get into one of those moral quandaries where the pot dealers decide that to rescue their bimbo girlfriend they'll kill like 30 Mexicans. Considering they live in Laguna Beach where blond bimbos are a dime for two-dozen they probably could have just saved 2 hours and found another girl. Anyway, their ultimate solution is the same one I use in the 7th Scarlet Knight story, so suck it Oliver Stone. Though Stone wastes 10 minutes of our lives with a fake ending to the final showdown, though sadly it was not the Scooby Doo ending.
Cold Comfort Farm: This was the conclusion of my watching most of the 50 Greatest Something Something list someone linked to on Facebook a long time ago. I forget what the title was. It was pretty much 50 underrated movies I hadn't seen. Only I had seen a few. I didn't watch all the rest because some were documentaries and some were in Swedish or Danish or Finnish or something and while that's not always a dealbreaker, I just didn't feel like watching a half-dozen of those. But over six months or so I did watch most via Netflix, Blockbuster, etc.
Anyway, I thought this would be a boring drama, but it was actually pretty funny. Basically in the 30s a very young Kate Beckinsale dreams of being a writer and so goes to her aunt's rundown farm in the country for life experience. The place is run by a crazy old lady who demands everyone in her family stay put because she saw something nasty in the woodshed when she was a little girl. The family includes Ian MacKellan as a wanna-be fire-and-brimstone preacher and the guy who was the next year in "Dark City" with a young Jennifer Connolly (lucky dog!) as a wanna-be actor. Gradually the plucky and unflappable Kate Beckinsale manages to help all her relatives escape the old lady's tyranny. As I said it was really funny even to a dim-witted American like me. If you like "Downton Abbey" and all that Masterpiece Theater and Jane Austen stuff then you might like that. I'm not sure if it's still on Netflix.
There's your February Recap. Brace yourselves in March for another month of fantastic content you probably don't give a crap about. (And the biggest announcement EVER) will be on March 9th.
That is all.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Two-Cent Tuesday: Publishing 101 Lesson 3
Today's lesson is all about the three main ebook systems I use: Smashwords, Amazon's KDP, and B&N's Pubit--the latter I only started to use this year. Each system has its little quirks and differences, but they all require much the same stuff.
So here's what you'll need:
Book Description: This is basically what would be written on the back cover or inside jacket if it were a physical book. The problem for people like me is that I suck at writing pitches and summaries. And you might say, Well what kind of writer are you? And I would say, Hey, I write novels and sometimes short stories. Basically it's like asking a marathon runner to win the 100M dash. You're a runner, right? Well it's a whole different set of skills needed. Anyway, just do your best to write a teaser summary, but don't give away too much.
Here's one of my crappy descriptions from First Contact:
Captain Lisa Shaw and the crew of the Explorer are taking humanity’s first steps outside of the solar system. They arrive at their destination only to encounter an alien ship bent on destroying them and all other life in the galaxy. Now Lisa and the survivors of her crew have to find a way to escape from the aliens and warn Earth.
Tags: If you're like my "publisher" of A Hero's Journey you don't bother to tag anything. But if you're not just doing it half-assed, then you want to put some tags in to slightly increase the chance someone might find your book. The tags are usually general search terms that in theory will help your book pop up when someone does a search.
Here are some tags I used for First Contact:
scifi, space opera, sci fi, scifi action, scifi action adventure
Now here's a Pub Tip for you: on Amazon and B&N you type in the tags all in a line but Smashwords you do it one at a time. So do the Smashwords one first and then go to your book's page and copy all those tags to paste into the box for Amazon and B&N!
Categories: Again if you're a half-ass "publisher" you just put it in one category that's probably not even the correct one. If you're doing this right, then you try to put it in multiple categories that actually suit your book. What sucks about Smashwords and Amazon is you only get 2 categories. B&N gives you 5.
With a story like say a superhero novel it can be difficult to figure out which category to put it in. I think my other Scarlet Knight ones I put in Fantasy-Urban and Sci-Fi-Adventure. Though of course each platform has its own wording. YA/Children's books can be annoying to figure out where to put them, so you have to consider the age of the reader.
Book file and Cover: We've covered those (pun intended!) but just remember that all three platforms use MS Word-type documents and there are different cover size mandates for each, so check out the fine print.
Price: This can be a thorny issue. How much do you charge? If you go the minimum and charge 99 cents then you might move more copies, but you only make 35 cents per copy. Whereas if you charge $2.99 then you're making around $2 per copy. So to borrow from those Total cereal commercials: you'd have to sell almost 6 copies at 99 cents to make as much as you would from selling 1 copy at $2.99.
Generally you don't want to go over $4.99 either. Maybe the Big However Many can charge $18.99 for JK Rowling's latest lame adult book, but you're not JK Rowling. You're probably not even Amanda Hocking or EL James before they got famous. You're a nobody, so you can't get away with charging too much.
It is interesting that the books I sell the most of are at opposite ends of the spectrum. The $0.99 books like First Contact and its sequels have sold the most of the ones under my pseudonyms. But Where You Belong is still the big money maker because at $2.99 it makes the most profit and surprisingly it still sells a few every month. Maybe because it has the most reviews and had the most marketing push behind it.
The good thing is if you decide on a price and it's not working, you can change it later. Or if it's working really well at 99 cents you can get greedy and see if people will pay more--capitalism everyone!
Sometimes though it's hard to figure the consumer out. When I lowered just about all my prices to 99 cents recently, Amazon sales picked up. Nook sales flatlined, though. And Smashwords sales did very little, but then they've never been all that much. It just seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom that if you LOWER prices, people demand less. Recently I raised at least some prices on the Nook and sold at least one book. Go figure. Maybe there are just more bargain hunters on Amazon.
Another thing is that they say if you make the first in a series FREE people might buy the rest of it. I'm not sure about that. From what I've seen, mostly people will swoop in for the free book and then exile it on the ereader for months or years along with all the other FREE they've sponged up. So they'll never bother to read the first book for a long time (if ever) and thus will never buy books 2 or 3 or 8. We'll see with the Chances Are series, where I gave away over 200 copies of the first one so far. Once the second one goes on sale, let's see how many people buy it! But I did get one nice review on Smashwords already, so woo hoo.
That's about all you need to know to get started. Now a few words on the three platforms I use.
Smashwords: Overall I find it to be the most cumbersome of the three. I suppose that's because in theory it's supposed to cover a bunch of platforms. Though in all honesty it doesn't really go to Amazon. Or if it does, it takes a really long time. There might be some kind of tiff between them that doesn't allow Amazon to take Smashwords stuff, or they just delay a while to do it. B&N does show up eventually, but it can take some time too. But it does load stuff to Kobo and other smaller ones.
The other good thing about Smashwords is it generates an ISBN number for you. That's an additional step in the process for each book, but it's a nice thing to have. Amazon only gives you an ASIN which isn't exactly the same.
Another Pub Tip: Like the tags, it's good to load to Smashwords first so you can get the ISBN, which you can then use when you load to Amazon and B&N, and also when you put the book on Goodreads.
The other good thing about Smashwords is after you get done setting up, you can download your own book for free. I use that to download ARC (advanced reader copies) of the Scarlet Knight books. I can get them in Kindle format for me and EPub (Nook) format for beta readers like Michael Offutt. Plus when someone buys a copy you get more royalties than Amazon or B&N--$$$$$ cha-ching!
One of the hassles with Smashwords comes with the author names. It's fine if you just have one name. But when you have like 5 different names it gets to be annoying. You have to set up a "ghost" account for each separate name you use. Amazon and B&N you can just type in any name you want; it's a lot easier.
Still, the benefits of Smashwords outweigh the bulkiness and sometimes slowness of it. I use the Smashwords pages as landing pages for mine because you can get them in every format right from there no matter what kind of reader you have. It's a lot easier than pointing people to twenty different websites--and did I mention I get more royalties from them?
Amazon: KDP was the first platform I ever used. It's pretty simple to use, which is great. You don't even need to worry much about cover size, which is a bonus. The only drawback versus B&N's is Amazon's is two pages whereas B&N fits it all onto one page, which is nice.
Pub Tip: If you're just using Amazon for your book you can enroll in the KDP Select program. That allows Amazon Prime members (like me!) to borrow the book for free while you still get reimbursed. But be careful because once you enroll it's stuck there for at least 3 months, so if you change your mind and want to load it onto another platform you have to wait until those 3 months are up. You also have to make sure that you set it not to autorenew or you'll get stuck for another 3 months potentially.
B&N: As I said, I just started using this at the beginning of the year. It is perhaps the best of the lot. You can do everything on one screen, unlike Amazon or Smashwords, which makes it great, especially if you have a slow connection or something. There are pretty much all the same features as Amazon, except no KDP Select thing.
The hitches are the cover size limitations can be annoying. The 2000 pixel MAXIMUM height has created problems for me, something I lamented last week; I hate having to resize covers just for their anal limitations. Also, there's some kind of bug where after you submit a book the next screen pops up with an error message. The books go through, but it really freaked me out at first.
Of course there are other platforms out there. I don't know what all of them are yet. I'm sure more will come along in the future. But this should give you a good head-start on the process.
Tomorrow is the Recap!
So here's what you'll need:
- Book Description
- Tags
- Categories
- Book File
- Cover
- Price
Book Description: This is basically what would be written on the back cover or inside jacket if it were a physical book. The problem for people like me is that I suck at writing pitches and summaries. And you might say, Well what kind of writer are you? And I would say, Hey, I write novels and sometimes short stories. Basically it's like asking a marathon runner to win the 100M dash. You're a runner, right? Well it's a whole different set of skills needed. Anyway, just do your best to write a teaser summary, but don't give away too much.
Here's one of my crappy descriptions from First Contact:
Captain Lisa Shaw and the crew of the Explorer are taking humanity’s first steps outside of the solar system. They arrive at their destination only to encounter an alien ship bent on destroying them and all other life in the galaxy. Now Lisa and the survivors of her crew have to find a way to escape from the aliens and warn Earth.
Tags: If you're like my "publisher" of A Hero's Journey you don't bother to tag anything. But if you're not just doing it half-assed, then you want to put some tags in to slightly increase the chance someone might find your book. The tags are usually general search terms that in theory will help your book pop up when someone does a search.
Here are some tags I used for First Contact:
scifi, space opera, sci fi, scifi action, scifi action adventure
Now here's a Pub Tip for you: on Amazon and B&N you type in the tags all in a line but Smashwords you do it one at a time. So do the Smashwords one first and then go to your book's page and copy all those tags to paste into the box for Amazon and B&N!
Categories: Again if you're a half-ass "publisher" you just put it in one category that's probably not even the correct one. If you're doing this right, then you try to put it in multiple categories that actually suit your book. What sucks about Smashwords and Amazon is you only get 2 categories. B&N gives you 5.
With a story like say a superhero novel it can be difficult to figure out which category to put it in. I think my other Scarlet Knight ones I put in Fantasy-Urban and Sci-Fi-Adventure. Though of course each platform has its own wording. YA/Children's books can be annoying to figure out where to put them, so you have to consider the age of the reader.
Book file and Cover: We've covered those (pun intended!) but just remember that all three platforms use MS Word-type documents and there are different cover size mandates for each, so check out the fine print.
Price: This can be a thorny issue. How much do you charge? If you go the minimum and charge 99 cents then you might move more copies, but you only make 35 cents per copy. Whereas if you charge $2.99 then you're making around $2 per copy. So to borrow from those Total cereal commercials: you'd have to sell almost 6 copies at 99 cents to make as much as you would from selling 1 copy at $2.99.
Generally you don't want to go over $4.99 either. Maybe the Big However Many can charge $18.99 for JK Rowling's latest lame adult book, but you're not JK Rowling. You're probably not even Amanda Hocking or EL James before they got famous. You're a nobody, so you can't get away with charging too much.
It is interesting that the books I sell the most of are at opposite ends of the spectrum. The $0.99 books like First Contact and its sequels have sold the most of the ones under my pseudonyms. But Where You Belong is still the big money maker because at $2.99 it makes the most profit and surprisingly it still sells a few every month. Maybe because it has the most reviews and had the most marketing push behind it.
The good thing is if you decide on a price and it's not working, you can change it later. Or if it's working really well at 99 cents you can get greedy and see if people will pay more--capitalism everyone!
Sometimes though it's hard to figure the consumer out. When I lowered just about all my prices to 99 cents recently, Amazon sales picked up. Nook sales flatlined, though. And Smashwords sales did very little, but then they've never been all that much. It just seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom that if you LOWER prices, people demand less. Recently I raised at least some prices on the Nook and sold at least one book. Go figure. Maybe there are just more bargain hunters on Amazon.
Another thing is that they say if you make the first in a series FREE people might buy the rest of it. I'm not sure about that. From what I've seen, mostly people will swoop in for the free book and then exile it on the ereader for months or years along with all the other FREE they've sponged up. So they'll never bother to read the first book for a long time (if ever) and thus will never buy books 2 or 3 or 8. We'll see with the Chances Are series, where I gave away over 200 copies of the first one so far. Once the second one goes on sale, let's see how many people buy it! But I did get one nice review on Smashwords already, so woo hoo.
That's about all you need to know to get started. Now a few words on the three platforms I use.
Smashwords: Overall I find it to be the most cumbersome of the three. I suppose that's because in theory it's supposed to cover a bunch of platforms. Though in all honesty it doesn't really go to Amazon. Or if it does, it takes a really long time. There might be some kind of tiff between them that doesn't allow Amazon to take Smashwords stuff, or they just delay a while to do it. B&N does show up eventually, but it can take some time too. But it does load stuff to Kobo and other smaller ones.
The other good thing about Smashwords is it generates an ISBN number for you. That's an additional step in the process for each book, but it's a nice thing to have. Amazon only gives you an ASIN which isn't exactly the same.
Another Pub Tip: Like the tags, it's good to load to Smashwords first so you can get the ISBN, which you can then use when you load to Amazon and B&N, and also when you put the book on Goodreads.
The other good thing about Smashwords is after you get done setting up, you can download your own book for free. I use that to download ARC (advanced reader copies) of the Scarlet Knight books. I can get them in Kindle format for me and EPub (Nook) format for beta readers like Michael Offutt. Plus when someone buys a copy you get more royalties than Amazon or B&N--$$$$$ cha-ching!
One of the hassles with Smashwords comes with the author names. It's fine if you just have one name. But when you have like 5 different names it gets to be annoying. You have to set up a "ghost" account for each separate name you use. Amazon and B&N you can just type in any name you want; it's a lot easier.
Still, the benefits of Smashwords outweigh the bulkiness and sometimes slowness of it. I use the Smashwords pages as landing pages for mine because you can get them in every format right from there no matter what kind of reader you have. It's a lot easier than pointing people to twenty different websites--and did I mention I get more royalties from them?
Amazon: KDP was the first platform I ever used. It's pretty simple to use, which is great. You don't even need to worry much about cover size, which is a bonus. The only drawback versus B&N's is Amazon's is two pages whereas B&N fits it all onto one page, which is nice.
Pub Tip: If you're just using Amazon for your book you can enroll in the KDP Select program. That allows Amazon Prime members (like me!) to borrow the book for free while you still get reimbursed. But be careful because once you enroll it's stuck there for at least 3 months, so if you change your mind and want to load it onto another platform you have to wait until those 3 months are up. You also have to make sure that you set it not to autorenew or you'll get stuck for another 3 months potentially.
B&N: As I said, I just started using this at the beginning of the year. It is perhaps the best of the lot. You can do everything on one screen, unlike Amazon or Smashwords, which makes it great, especially if you have a slow connection or something. There are pretty much all the same features as Amazon, except no KDP Select thing.
The hitches are the cover size limitations can be annoying. The 2000 pixel MAXIMUM height has created problems for me, something I lamented last week; I hate having to resize covers just for their anal limitations. Also, there's some kind of bug where after you submit a book the next screen pops up with an error message. The books go through, but it really freaked me out at first.
Of course there are other platforms out there. I don't know what all of them are yet. I'm sure more will come along in the future. But this should give you a good head-start on the process.
Tomorrow is the Recap!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Comic Captions 2/25/13
It's another Comic Captions, where you, the little people, get to pretend you're a big-time comic book writer by recaptioning a comic book panel.
This week we have one from All-Star Superman #7
Now it's your turn!
Tomorrow is something...
This week we have one from All-Star Superman #7
Zibarro: We're definitely not in Kansas anymore.
Now it's your turn!
Tomorrow is something...
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Box Office Blitz Week 7 Results: Ooops! My Bad.
Well, as expected the results of this week's were rather unpredictable. And I realized I made a mistake. "Escape From Planet Earth" came in third this week and I forgot to list it as one of the entries. So I'm giving everyone who played this week an automatic 100 points (except me) for my goof. We cool? I'll try not to let that happen again.
Anyway, the numbers this week were really, really weak. I can attest to that as I went to the theater Sunday afternoon to see Die Hard 5 and there was no one in the entire place when I came in--not even employees! Only a half-dozen people were in the theater with me by the time the movie started. Was it the weather? I don't know. Maybe just a craptacular selection.
The results were:
I guessed:
Rusty Carl guessed:
1. Dark Skies - $21 mil
2. Snitch - $20 Mil
3. Die Harderest - $17 mil
That's 100 points for Snitch plus the standard 100 point bonus. 200 total!
Maurice Mitchell guessed:
1. Identity Thief - $13 million
2. Die Hard 5 - $10 million
3. Snitch - $9.5 million
That's 100 for Identity Thief and 50 for Snitch plus the standard 100 point bonus. 250 total!
Andrew Leon guessed:
1. Identity Thief - $15m
2. Snitch - $14m
3. Die Hard - $13m
So with the 100 point standard bonus Andrew gets a trifecta! 300 points!
Briane Pagel guessed:
1. Dark Skies: $10m
2. Snitch: $9m
3. Die Hard $8m.
That's 100 points for Snitch and the 100 point standard bonus. 200 total!
Current Leader Tony Laplume guessed:
1. Identity Thief ($14 mil)
2. A Good Day to Die Hard ($12 mil)
3. Snitch ($10 mil)
That's 100 for Identity Thief and 50 for snitch plus the 100 point standard bonus. 250 total!
Lastly, Stephen Hayes guessed:
Die Hard...$15 mil
Beautiful Creatures...$9 mil
Snitch...$7 mil
He gets 50 points for Snitch and the 100 point standard bonus. 150 total!
As for the bonus question, I challenged you to guess who would win the short feature (live action) winner. The winner was "Curfew" and the only one who guessed it is Andrew Leon. Now since the winner of the round can't win the bonus question too then no one gets the 100 points and so it gets rolled into next week's question.
Tony Laplume is still atop the leader board. Andrew Leon has now moved into second place. I really need to get on my horse and make some better picks. I've been in a funk since I got a trifecta. I guess I'm paying for my hubris.
Anyway, the numbers this week were really, really weak. I can attest to that as I went to the theater Sunday afternoon to see Die Hard 5 and there was no one in the entire place when I came in--not even employees! Only a half-dozen people were in the theater with me by the time the movie started. Was it the weather? I don't know. Maybe just a craptacular selection.
The results were:
- Identity Thief $14M
- Snitch $13M
- Escape From Planet Earth $11M
I guessed:
- Snitch $20M
- Safe Haven $18M
- Identity Thief $13M
Rusty Carl guessed:
1. Dark Skies - $21 mil
2. Snitch - $20 Mil
3. Die Harderest - $17 mil
That's 100 points for Snitch plus the standard 100 point bonus. 200 total!
Maurice Mitchell guessed:
1. Identity Thief - $13 million
2. Die Hard 5 - $10 million
3. Snitch - $9.5 million
That's 100 for Identity Thief and 50 for Snitch plus the standard 100 point bonus. 250 total!
Andrew Leon guessed:
1. Identity Thief - $15m
2. Snitch - $14m
3. Die Hard - $13m
So with the 100 point standard bonus Andrew gets a trifecta! 300 points!
Briane Pagel guessed:
1. Dark Skies: $10m
2. Snitch: $9m
3. Die Hard $8m.
That's 100 points for Snitch and the 100 point standard bonus. 200 total!
Current Leader Tony Laplume guessed:
1. Identity Thief ($14 mil)
2. A Good Day to Die Hard ($12 mil)
3. Snitch ($10 mil)
That's 100 for Identity Thief and 50 for snitch plus the 100 point standard bonus. 250 total!
Lastly, Stephen Hayes guessed:
Die Hard...$15 mil
Beautiful Creatures...$9 mil
Snitch...$7 mil
He gets 50 points for Snitch and the 100 point standard bonus. 150 total!
As for the bonus question, I challenged you to guess who would win the short feature (live action) winner. The winner was "Curfew" and the only one who guessed it is Andrew Leon. Now since the winner of the round can't win the bonus question too then no one gets the 100 points and so it gets rolled into next week's question.
Tony Laplume is still atop the leader board. Andrew Leon has now moved into second place. I really need to get on my horse and make some better picks. I've been in a funk since I got a trifecta. I guess I'm paying for my hubris.
Box Office Blitz | ||
Scoreboard | ||
7 | Total | |
Tony Laplume | 250 | 3050 |
Andrew Leon | 800 | 2400 |
PT Dilloway | 100 | 2250 |
Rusty Carl | 200 | 1100 |
Maurice Mitchell | 250 | 800 |
Briane Pagel | 200 | 600 |
Michael Offutt | 0 | 400 |
Stephen Hayes | 150 | 400 |
Donna Hole | 0 | 200 |
David P King | 0 | 200 |
1950 | 11400 |
Friday, February 22, 2013
Box Office Blitz Week 7
We're up to Week 7 of Box Office Blitz, with Tony Laplume comfortably in the lead. But like in a NASCAR race or a marathon, the one who takes an early lead isn't necessarily the one who will win it at the end. There's still plenty of time to catch up.
Anyway, by now you should pretty much know the rules. You try to pick which three movies will top the box office this upcoming weekend and how much money they will earn. You get 50 points for each movie you correctly guess and and a 50 point bonus if it's in the right position. There's a maximum of 300 points plus a 500 point bonus if you win the round. We've had a number of trifectas the last 3 weeks, so it's entirely possible.
Here's this week's slate of movies, which is pretty much the same as last week (* indicates a new release):
I'm probably completely wrong about that.
And since the Oscars are this week, I'll include an Oscar-related bonus question worth 100 points to one person who gets it right. Everyone can probably make a decent guess about who will win the main awards, so let's find something more obscure:
Who will win the Oscar for best short feature?
1) Don van een schaduw - Death of a Shadow
2) Asad
3) Buzkashi Boys
4) Curfew
5) Henry
Provided anyone gets it right, I'll flip a coin or use Random.org in order to pick a winner--that winner can't be the same person who wins the round.
As a note, I'll be out of town this weekend for my niece's second birthday, so I won't post the results until probably Monday morning, by which time we should also know who won the bonus question as well. Of course if you're an enterprising soul you could probably figure it out without me to tell you. I mean you just look up IMDB on Sunday afternoon (or other places I'm sure) and then look back at this post here.
Anyway, by now you should pretty much know the rules. You try to pick which three movies will top the box office this upcoming weekend and how much money they will earn. You get 50 points for each movie you correctly guess and and a 50 point bonus if it's in the right position. There's a maximum of 300 points plus a 500 point bonus if you win the round. We've had a number of trifectas the last 3 weeks, so it's entirely possible.
Here's this week's slate of movies, which is pretty much the same as last week (* indicates a new release):
- A Good Day to Die Hard
- Argo
- Beautiful Creatures
- Dark Skies*
- Gangster Squad
- Hansel & Gretel
- Identity Thief
- Les Miserables
- Mama
- Parker
- Safe Haven
- Side Effects
- Snitch*
- The Impossible
- Warm Bodies
- Zero Dark 30
- Snitch $20M
- Safe Haven $18M
- Identity Thief $13M
I'm probably completely wrong about that.
And since the Oscars are this week, I'll include an Oscar-related bonus question worth 100 points to one person who gets it right. Everyone can probably make a decent guess about who will win the main awards, so let's find something more obscure:
Who will win the Oscar for best short feature?
1) Don van een schaduw - Death of a Shadow
2) Asad
3) Buzkashi Boys
4) Curfew
5) Henry
Provided anyone gets it right, I'll flip a coin or use Random.org in order to pick a winner--that winner can't be the same person who wins the round.
As a note, I'll be out of town this weekend for my niece's second birthday, so I won't post the results until probably Monday morning, by which time we should also know who won the bonus question as well. Of course if you're an enterprising soul you could probably figure it out without me to tell you. I mean you just look up IMDB on Sunday afternoon (or other places I'm sure) and then look back at this post here.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Thursday Review: Superman vs. The Elite
This was one of those animated straight-to-video movies I watched on Netflix a couple of weeks ago. The good thing about those is they're usually about 70 minutes, which is good to watch over lunch and then get back to editing and stuff.
Anyway, the reason I bring this movie up is that it sort of relates to stuff I was rambling about in my anti-violence campaign. Because the whole point of the movie is how much violence is too much? And are there some lines that no one--especially not Superman--should cross?
The gist of the story is that a new group of "heroes" has shown up. They're more in the 80s mold of antiheroes who generally think bad people should be killed to save the world a lot of trouble. This naturally conflicts with Superman's world view that says you arrest the bad guys and let due process take its course even though it doesn't really work and eventually the bad guys get out again.
In this case the bad guy is called the Atomic Skull--which sounds like a 50s sci-fi movie that would be lampooned on MST3K. After his first rampage in Metropolis that kills numerous people and causes massive property damage, Superman puts him away in jail. But of course he breaks out and goes on a second rampage. This time the Elite antiheroes stop him and eventually kill him, which the public lauds them for. This leads to a final showdown between them and Superman on the moon.
During that showdown Superman appears to go nuts and start killing the Elite and then some bystanders in Metropolis when the fight makes its way down there. Except of course it's just an act; no one actually dies. The idea was to show the Elite and the rest of the world just how horrific the consequences of their worldview can be. In a way it was a smaller, bloodless version of what Ozymandias did in "Watchmen" to show the world just how horrible Armageddon can be to back them away from the cliff.
This kind of story has been done before in other comics too. Like "The Dark Knight Returns" where since it was Frank Miller the answer was Hell yeah, kill 'em all! Also "Kingdom Come" where the answer called for more restraint.
In the Scarlet Knight series Emma struggles numerous times over whether to kill or not kill her enemies. She opts not to kill them because she believes to kill them would lead her on a slippery slope until she was no better than the criminals. This becomes far less clear-cut in later volumes of the series when the bad guys do things that hurt her personally.
Anyway, the point is that there has to be a line in the sand somewhere. When do you decide someone is so irredeemable that they have to be terminated? 3 strikes? 2 strikes? 1 strikes? 0 strikes? Infinite number of strikes? That's another one of those issues everyone needs to consider before they decide to pull a trigger.
Tomorrow Box Office Blitz Continues!
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Everyday Heroes: Solutions & More Questions
Last month I announced the Everyday Heroes Blogfest, where you can write a 500 word story about violence and help spread awareness that maybe we should like stop killing each other and stuff. I know, controversial! Other than me only 4 brave souls have signed up so far.
They are:
Cindy Borgne
Tony Laplume
Briane Pagel
Rusty Carl
Obviously more participation would be great. If you're a chicken shit about talking about gun violence like one person who shall remain nameless, then don't talk about guns. As I told him, you can talk about wombat violence for all I care. You know, make it a parody. Incidentally that's what I'm doing, only not with wombats.
Enrollment is still open, just let me know via a comment, email, Twitter, Facebook...I'm pretty easy to get a hold of.
Anyway, after the Newtown Massacre the cowardly NRA eventually came out with their usual spiel about how gun laws don't work and really the only way to solve the problem is to make sure everyone has guns. To which I would say bullshit. You don't solve the problem by introducing more of the cause of said problem. I mean it'd be like my doctor telling me that to lose weight I need to eat more candy. Or if we want to deal with drugs then let's get everyone hooked on heroin. It's a patently absurd notion, yet one that a lot of people seem partial to.
I think there's another solution other than turning America into a Wild West amusement park. If you want to get really serious about the problem then basically we need to throw a few billion to hire hundreds of thousands of more police officers. Put cameras all over the place. Make sure streets are adequately lit--a real problem in bankrupt cities like Detroit. Tear down vacant structures. I think it was on Bloomberg I watched a segment on how in Oakland they have sensors now that can detect when a bullet is fired and direct police to the location--throw a bunch of those in too.
Will that solve every problem? No. But it will make it a lot more difficult for maniacs to run around armed to the teeth. Does it sound somewhat fascist? Yes. But the NRA alternative sounds anarchist. So I guess you pick your poison. My own preference is to have the guns in the hands of people trained to use them as opposed to every slack-jawed yokel running around with an AR-15 assault rifle.
But really the solution always has to come from within. Think again of dieting. You can pay for a personal trainer and a chef. You can pay for some kind of food bodyguard to make sure you don't eat that pizza in the fridge. You can get all the surgeries you want. None of that is ever going to really work for long unless you decide you really, truly want to lose weight. Trust me on that one. It's the same with drugs, alcohol, and other addictions.
And in many ways I think we're addicted to violence. I hate to sound like Tipper Gore, but jeez just look at movie theaters, video games, TV and even some forms of music. It's all laden with violence. I mean we're pretty much like Malcolm McDowell in "A Clockwork Orange" where they strap him to that chair and force him to watch all sorts of terrible imagery. And while most of us still don't necessarily run out and buy a gun and shoot people, is it any wonder some people do?
Then it saddens me to think that I contribute to the problem. Or I would if anyone read my books. I mean superhero books like mine are filled with violence. My story Chance of a Lifetime features a woman who goes on a vendetta against the mobsters who killed her, three of whom get shot and one of whom gets his throat slit. Really all I can do is shrug and like Ahh-nold in "True Lies" say, "Yes but they were all bad."
Really since the dawn of time we've been fascinated by violent action stories. Though back in Homer's day the violence might have been more implied. There have always been action heroes like Achilles, Odysseus, and Herakles right on up to John MacLane in "Die Hard." We probably enjoy those stories because most of us are not action heroes and are oppressed by The Man in its many forms. So we like a little escapist fantasy to interrupt the drudgery of our lives.
The problem is that some people think fantasy is reality and take things too far. And I don't think making sure everyone can have guns is going to solve that. If anything, it will only make the problem even worse. I mean everyone has those moments where they get pissed off and fly off the handle; those moments can become deadly if said person has a gun within reach.
Also since I'm a fan of Star Trek and the like, I think some of this problem could be overcome with better technology. Really what we need are better nonlethal defenses. So that instead of a carrying around an AR-15 "for protection" you could just have a really good Taser to incapacitate people instead of killing them. Basically something like a phaser on Star Trek (only with no kill setting) would be awesome. Then you've got "protection" without bloodshed. Win-win!
Anyway, if we really want to have a discussion of this, here are some facts I wish the NRA would wake up to:
Those are my rambling thoughts, what about you?
They are:
Cindy Borgne
Tony Laplume
Briane Pagel
Rusty Carl
Obviously more participation would be great. If you're a chicken shit about talking about gun violence like one person who shall remain nameless, then don't talk about guns. As I told him, you can talk about wombat violence for all I care. You know, make it a parody. Incidentally that's what I'm doing, only not with wombats.
Enrollment is still open, just let me know via a comment, email, Twitter, Facebook...I'm pretty easy to get a hold of.
Anyway, after the Newtown Massacre the cowardly NRA eventually came out with their usual spiel about how gun laws don't work and really the only way to solve the problem is to make sure everyone has guns. To which I would say bullshit. You don't solve the problem by introducing more of the cause of said problem. I mean it'd be like my doctor telling me that to lose weight I need to eat more candy. Or if we want to deal with drugs then let's get everyone hooked on heroin. It's a patently absurd notion, yet one that a lot of people seem partial to.
I think there's another solution other than turning America into a Wild West amusement park. If you want to get really serious about the problem then basically we need to throw a few billion to hire hundreds of thousands of more police officers. Put cameras all over the place. Make sure streets are adequately lit--a real problem in bankrupt cities like Detroit. Tear down vacant structures. I think it was on Bloomberg I watched a segment on how in Oakland they have sensors now that can detect when a bullet is fired and direct police to the location--throw a bunch of those in too.
Will that solve every problem? No. But it will make it a lot more difficult for maniacs to run around armed to the teeth. Does it sound somewhat fascist? Yes. But the NRA alternative sounds anarchist. So I guess you pick your poison. My own preference is to have the guns in the hands of people trained to use them as opposed to every slack-jawed yokel running around with an AR-15 assault rifle.
But really the solution always has to come from within. Think again of dieting. You can pay for a personal trainer and a chef. You can pay for some kind of food bodyguard to make sure you don't eat that pizza in the fridge. You can get all the surgeries you want. None of that is ever going to really work for long unless you decide you really, truly want to lose weight. Trust me on that one. It's the same with drugs, alcohol, and other addictions.
And in many ways I think we're addicted to violence. I hate to sound like Tipper Gore, but jeez just look at movie theaters, video games, TV and even some forms of music. It's all laden with violence. I mean we're pretty much like Malcolm McDowell in "A Clockwork Orange" where they strap him to that chair and force him to watch all sorts of terrible imagery. And while most of us still don't necessarily run out and buy a gun and shoot people, is it any wonder some people do?
Then it saddens me to think that I contribute to the problem. Or I would if anyone read my books. I mean superhero books like mine are filled with violence. My story Chance of a Lifetime features a woman who goes on a vendetta against the mobsters who killed her, three of whom get shot and one of whom gets his throat slit. Really all I can do is shrug and like Ahh-nold in "True Lies" say, "Yes but they were all bad."
Really since the dawn of time we've been fascinated by violent action stories. Though back in Homer's day the violence might have been more implied. There have always been action heroes like Achilles, Odysseus, and Herakles right on up to John MacLane in "Die Hard." We probably enjoy those stories because most of us are not action heroes and are oppressed by The Man in its many forms. So we like a little escapist fantasy to interrupt the drudgery of our lives.
The problem is that some people think fantasy is reality and take things too far. And I don't think making sure everyone can have guns is going to solve that. If anything, it will only make the problem even worse. I mean everyone has those moments where they get pissed off and fly off the handle; those moments can become deadly if said person has a gun within reach.
Also since I'm a fan of Star Trek and the like, I think some of this problem could be overcome with better technology. Really what we need are better nonlethal defenses. So that instead of a carrying around an AR-15 "for protection" you could just have a really good Taser to incapacitate people instead of killing them. Basically something like a phaser on Star Trek (only with no kill setting) would be awesome. Then you've got "protection" without bloodshed. Win-win!
Anyway, if we really want to have a discussion of this, here are some facts I wish the NRA would wake up to:
- You don't need an assault rifle to hunt deer. Or to hunt anything except people.
- Unless you expect Seal Team 6 to storm your house you don't need an assault rifle and fifty clips of ammo for "protection."
- We put common sense limits on freedom all the time, like laws that say you can't drive through residential zones at 90mph, you can't drive drunk, you can't vote until you're 18, and so forth. Just because we have those laws doesn't mean we have a totalitarian regime.
- If Israel, a country that routinely faces terrorist violence, can survive banning guns then I think we can survive banning assault rifles and giant clips.
Those are my rambling thoughts, what about you?
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Two-Cent Tuesday: Publishing 101 Lesson 2
So today I'm talking about covers. First off, are covers really that important? If you're just publishing ebooks, do you even need much of a cover these days? Well my answer is still yes. The cover is still part of your book's face when you promote it on your website (see the right hand column!) or on other people's blogs or on other sites, etc. If you have a blank cover then people are probably going to assume you don't really know what you're doing. And if your cover looks like shit, people are going to assume your book is shit too. The adage of "don't judge a book by its cover" is still so much bullshit.
Now then, the first thing about covers that's important is the title. You want to make sure you have a title you're comfortable with. Something I preach (to no avail) is not to use one-word titles. Especially, ahem, unpronounceable one-word titles. The reason I say this is that if it's an ebook people are looking for it online. If you title your book "Betrayal" for instance, do you know how many results pop up in Amazon? 6,673! Odds someone will scroll through all 101 screens to locate yours? 0%! And God help you if you title it "Love" or something even more generic. The only way to find you then is to search by your name.
Even my own "A Hero's Journey" is a little too generic in that over 3600 results pop up. But who was #7? This guy! Of course since search engines are stupid even if I type in a long title like "Time Enough to Say Goodbye" it comes up with 230 hits, none of which are actually that title. Sigh. So much for machines taking over.
Of course the advantage with a really generic title is I suppose if someone is just searching for "Betrayal" they might come across yours by accident. So there's that.
The inverse is that you don't want to make the title tooooooooooo loooooooooooooong or else it will be hard to actually fit the whole thing on the cover. Some smart asses like to do that, like that one Fiona Apple album in the 90s that was like 60 words long or something. I wouldn't want to be the graphic artist who had to try and fit that monster in. Or the minion who had to key that into database systems.
So now let's say you have your great, not-entirely-generic title. Now you need to put together a cover. Of course you can hire someone to do that. But think about this: most ebooks make shit. I mean I made about $550 last year on ebook sales and that was a GOOD year by many standards. So if you blow $100 on a cover artist it's hard to turn a profit. But you may be lucky enough that you can draw your own cover or you know someone who will do it for free, as Rusty Carl did for A Hero's Journey.
What if you don't and you can't draw for shit? Well the good news is that you don't need to be to draw to make book covers. I mean, I can't draw for shit and I've made a couple dozen of them. I won't say they're great covers, but I think they're serviceable enough. You can see most of them on my imprint's website!
If you do look those up, they cost me about $30 total. Basically what you do is go to a stock photo site. There a number of them around like Fotolia and iStockphoto where you can buy pictures. Of course the hitch is you can't really buy one image, unless it's really huge. You have to buy "credits" or "tokens" or such crap and then you can spend those on images. For Fotolia it's about $13 for 10 credits, which generally buys me 4 images, usually 3 small and 1 maybe extra small. I don't spring for huge sizes because why bother? If you're not making a print edition then you generally aren't going to need them that enormous that you need to spend $40 on one photo.
Now some "publishers" like to combine a number of images together, like this:
I prefer to use just 1 image if I can get away with it. It looks cleaner to me that way. Take this for example:
Because the problem when you start layering images together is that it looks more like a collage than a real picture, at least in my mind. That's why I tend to avoid that whenever possible. Sometimes it's not because stock photo sites are annoying and don't have exactly what I want and it's not possible for me to create it myself, so I might have to splice a couple of things together. But if you can, I say go with 1 image. Plus it's a lot cheaper!
But before I go to stock photo sites, I always check out MS Office's online clip art gallery. Why? Because it's FREE! And they include some images from the stock photo sites, so really you can save a bit of money that way. And the more money you save, the more profit you make. That's Business 101 right there. Here's one I did from MS Office's clip art gallery:
Looks pretty much the same quality, right? I mean maybe not the best quality, but good enough. Again, it's not usually going to big enough where anyone's going to analyze it that closely. I don't think you have to have Office to use it either.
Here's an issue that cropped up recently; be careful when you're buying images online that you don't use the exact one in the exact same way someone else has already. I mean it's kind of awkward when you get into this:
As you can see they're the exact same picture, although the one on the left is cropped more. Interestingly the one on left is by a traditional publisher. So if you feel that using stock photos doesn't make you a "real" publisher, you would be very much wrong. C'mon, be like the "real" publishers and slap some words over a stock image!
(Of course the person on the right insisted on using her plagiarized cover anyway. They're not exactly the same! Um, yeah, sure. You keep believing that. [shake my head])
It probably is difficult to know that unless you see a lot of book covers. Still, you might want to be a little cautious. Maybe poke around the internets a little.
Of course before you go out and buy yourself a bunch of pictures, make sure you have a program to edit them in. PhotoShop is probably the gold standard. It's really expensive too. I use Paint Shop Pro. For the longest time I used an ancient version from early in the 21st Century because it was free and I knew how to use it. Then from Amazon Vine I got a newer version for free. It does largely the same stuff as PhotoShop from what I've been able to tell and I think it's cheaper too. If you want to learn how to actually use those programs then consult a tutorial.
Now then, besides having a crappy title, what's the second biggest mistake most covers make in my non-humble opinion? They make the title too damned small or in a font that's too damned hard to read! Take another look at that one a certain "publisher" created:
That Old English font might be cool, but especially at icon size it's a pain to read. And that subtitle is almost impossible to read because it's too damned small. The same "publisher" also created this:
You can barely read the title; it's harder to read than the author name. That was something Rusty Carl rectified with his version of the cover:
Ka-Boom! Now you can read the title! Not really subtitle, but I blame myself for having too long of a subtitle in the first place. You can't see my name either, but so the fuck what? Unless you're Stephen King or on that level your name isn't important.
Of course being the morons they are, the "publisher" kept demanding we make the title smaller, because you know, who wants to be able to see that? The final product ended up like this:
You can still read the title pretty easily, but the first version was better. Anyway, I think you can start to see my point. Make sure the title is easily visible! Don't make it too tiny or in some weird font no one can read. And make sure the color stands out enough against the background; that's kind of obvious but still some people probably screw that up.
At the same time, don't make it in a totally bland font. When I saw my "publisher"'s version of the cover one of my first thoughts was, "Did they just make that in Arial?" I mean really did they just choose the first font to pop up in the box? Lame. Though I'm glad Rusty picked the fonts out for the cover because to some extent they mostly look the same to me. I'd have probably used Comic Sans.
If you don't have many fonts on your computer, you can look for more online. Though some places want to charge you an absurd amount for fonts. I mean $40 for a FONT? That's freaking ridiculous. Your font might be neat, but not $40 neat. Grumpy Bulldog don't pay for fonts.
Anyway, you can see I used the same fonts on my covers for the rest of the Scarlet Knight series:
Look, you can almost read the subtitles!
You might wonder why they look like this. The short answer is to find graphics big enough for a whole cover is a real chore. This way I didn't need a graphic for the whole page, just the middle. The clock came from MS Office so it was free. The helmet was the most expensive and time-consuming part of the process. I couldn't find a decent helmet photo at the right angle I wanted, so I bought a costume helmet for $16 off EBay, took pictures with my digital camera, and recolored it with a red filter in Paint Shop Pro. (The real bitch then was cropping around the helmet so there wouldn't be a background.)
And even if you can't draw sometimes you can think outside the box a little and come up with something almost like drawing:
One last word on covers. When you load them to Smashwords, Amazon, B&N, etc. they all have different sizes they prefer. It can be a real pain in the ass. Amazon is the best in that while they prefer a huge image they don't really care if you do it or not. Smashwords won't publish the thing unless it's a minimum of 1400 wide. That often leads to covers that are over 2000 pixels tall. Which the problem then is B&N's MAXIMUM height is 2000! Then some promotional sites or if you want to put it on a website like mine you need more of a thumbnail. So in the end you need to make one base file and then make a bunch of copies to resize it for different uses. Yeesh.
Tomorrow is another rambling entry about gun violence as the ramp-up to the Everyday Heroes Blogfest continues...
Now then, the first thing about covers that's important is the title. You want to make sure you have a title you're comfortable with. Something I preach (to no avail) is not to use one-word titles. Especially, ahem, unpronounceable one-word titles. The reason I say this is that if it's an ebook people are looking for it online. If you title your book "Betrayal" for instance, do you know how many results pop up in Amazon? 6,673! Odds someone will scroll through all 101 screens to locate yours? 0%! And God help you if you title it "Love" or something even more generic. The only way to find you then is to search by your name.
Even my own "A Hero's Journey" is a little too generic in that over 3600 results pop up. But who was #7? This guy! Of course since search engines are stupid even if I type in a long title like "Time Enough to Say Goodbye" it comes up with 230 hits, none of which are actually that title. Sigh. So much for machines taking over.
Of course the advantage with a really generic title is I suppose if someone is just searching for "Betrayal" they might come across yours by accident. So there's that.
The inverse is that you don't want to make the title tooooooooooo loooooooooooooong or else it will be hard to actually fit the whole thing on the cover. Some smart asses like to do that, like that one Fiona Apple album in the 90s that was like 60 words long or something. I wouldn't want to be the graphic artist who had to try and fit that monster in. Or the minion who had to key that into database systems.
So now let's say you have your great, not-entirely-generic title. Now you need to put together a cover. Of course you can hire someone to do that. But think about this: most ebooks make shit. I mean I made about $550 last year on ebook sales and that was a GOOD year by many standards. So if you blow $100 on a cover artist it's hard to turn a profit. But you may be lucky enough that you can draw your own cover or you know someone who will do it for free, as Rusty Carl did for A Hero's Journey.
What if you don't and you can't draw for shit? Well the good news is that you don't need to be to draw to make book covers. I mean, I can't draw for shit and I've made a couple dozen of them. I won't say they're great covers, but I think they're serviceable enough. You can see most of them on my imprint's website!
If you do look those up, they cost me about $30 total. Basically what you do is go to a stock photo site. There a number of them around like Fotolia and iStockphoto where you can buy pictures. Of course the hitch is you can't really buy one image, unless it's really huge. You have to buy "credits" or "tokens" or such crap and then you can spend those on images. For Fotolia it's about $13 for 10 credits, which generally buys me 4 images, usually 3 small and 1 maybe extra small. I don't spring for huge sizes because why bother? If you're not making a print edition then you generally aren't going to need them that enormous that you need to spend $40 on one photo.
Now some "publishers" like to combine a number of images together, like this:
I prefer to use just 1 image if I can get away with it. It looks cleaner to me that way. Take this for example:
Because the problem when you start layering images together is that it looks more like a collage than a real picture, at least in my mind. That's why I tend to avoid that whenever possible. Sometimes it's not because stock photo sites are annoying and don't have exactly what I want and it's not possible for me to create it myself, so I might have to splice a couple of things together. But if you can, I say go with 1 image. Plus it's a lot cheaper!
But before I go to stock photo sites, I always check out MS Office's online clip art gallery. Why? Because it's FREE! And they include some images from the stock photo sites, so really you can save a bit of money that way. And the more money you save, the more profit you make. That's Business 101 right there. Here's one I did from MS Office's clip art gallery:
Looks pretty much the same quality, right? I mean maybe not the best quality, but good enough. Again, it's not usually going to big enough where anyone's going to analyze it that closely. I don't think you have to have Office to use it either.
Here's an issue that cropped up recently; be careful when you're buying images online that you don't use the exact one in the exact same way someone else has already. I mean it's kind of awkward when you get into this:
As you can see they're the exact same picture, although the one on the left is cropped more. Interestingly the one on left is by a traditional publisher. So if you feel that using stock photos doesn't make you a "real" publisher, you would be very much wrong. C'mon, be like the "real" publishers and slap some words over a stock image!
(Of course the person on the right insisted on using her plagiarized cover anyway. They're not exactly the same! Um, yeah, sure. You keep believing that. [shake my head])
It probably is difficult to know that unless you see a lot of book covers. Still, you might want to be a little cautious. Maybe poke around the internets a little.
Of course before you go out and buy yourself a bunch of pictures, make sure you have a program to edit them in. PhotoShop is probably the gold standard. It's really expensive too. I use Paint Shop Pro. For the longest time I used an ancient version from early in the 21st Century because it was free and I knew how to use it. Then from Amazon Vine I got a newer version for free. It does largely the same stuff as PhotoShop from what I've been able to tell and I think it's cheaper too. If you want to learn how to actually use those programs then consult a tutorial.
Now then, besides having a crappy title, what's the second biggest mistake most covers make in my non-humble opinion? They make the title too damned small or in a font that's too damned hard to read! Take another look at that one a certain "publisher" created:
That Old English font might be cool, but especially at icon size it's a pain to read. And that subtitle is almost impossible to read because it's too damned small. The same "publisher" also created this:
You can barely read the title; it's harder to read than the author name. That was something Rusty Carl rectified with his version of the cover:
Ka-Boom! Now you can read the title! Not really subtitle, but I blame myself for having too long of a subtitle in the first place. You can't see my name either, but so the fuck what? Unless you're Stephen King or on that level your name isn't important.
Of course being the morons they are, the "publisher" kept demanding we make the title smaller, because you know, who wants to be able to see that? The final product ended up like this:
You can still read the title pretty easily, but the first version was better. Anyway, I think you can start to see my point. Make sure the title is easily visible! Don't make it too tiny or in some weird font no one can read. And make sure the color stands out enough against the background; that's kind of obvious but still some people probably screw that up.
At the same time, don't make it in a totally bland font. When I saw my "publisher"'s version of the cover one of my first thoughts was, "Did they just make that in Arial?" I mean really did they just choose the first font to pop up in the box? Lame. Though I'm glad Rusty picked the fonts out for the cover because to some extent they mostly look the same to me. I'd have probably used Comic Sans.
If you don't have many fonts on your computer, you can look for more online. Though some places want to charge you an absurd amount for fonts. I mean $40 for a FONT? That's freaking ridiculous. Your font might be neat, but not $40 neat. Grumpy Bulldog don't pay for fonts.
Anyway, you can see I used the same fonts on my covers for the rest of the Scarlet Knight series:
Look, you can almost read the subtitles!
You might wonder why they look like this. The short answer is to find graphics big enough for a whole cover is a real chore. This way I didn't need a graphic for the whole page, just the middle. The clock came from MS Office so it was free. The helmet was the most expensive and time-consuming part of the process. I couldn't find a decent helmet photo at the right angle I wanted, so I bought a costume helmet for $16 off EBay, took pictures with my digital camera, and recolored it with a red filter in Paint Shop Pro. (The real bitch then was cropping around the helmet so there wouldn't be a background.)
And even if you can't draw sometimes you can think outside the box a little and come up with something almost like drawing:
One last word on covers. When you load them to Smashwords, Amazon, B&N, etc. they all have different sizes they prefer. It can be a real pain in the ass. Amazon is the best in that while they prefer a huge image they don't really care if you do it or not. Smashwords won't publish the thing unless it's a minimum of 1400 wide. That often leads to covers that are over 2000 pixels tall. Which the problem then is B&N's MAXIMUM height is 2000! Then some promotional sites or if you want to put it on a website like mine you need more of a thumbnail. So in the end you need to make one base file and then make a bunch of copies to resize it for different uses. Yeesh.
Tomorrow is another rambling entry about gun violence as the ramp-up to the Everyday Heroes Blogfest continues...
Monday, February 18, 2013
A Special Comic Captions!
As you know, Comic Captions is the segment where you people get to caption a panel from a comic book. This week's is a very special comic. It's from the Hero's Journey promotional mini-comic drawn by AL Sirois.
Since I wrote it, I'm not going to say anything this week. I'm giving you the chance to outdo my literary brilliance here.
Tomorrow is part 2 of my indie publishing tutorial...
BTW, the original is in black-and-white. |
Since I wrote it, I'm not going to say anything this week. I'm giving you the chance to outdo my literary brilliance here.
Tomorrow is part 2 of my indie publishing tutorial...
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Box Office Blitz Week 6 Results!
Well I was right that Die Hard won the box office, but it made only half of what I thought it would. I think the R rating probably hurt it. I mean if it's rated R then it's harder for the kiddos to see it, which is where the real lifeblood of the box office comes from.
Meanwhile Identity Thief performed strong for a second week despite that it's also R rated so maybe disregard what I just said. Or maybe on Valentine's Day weekend people don't want to watch a violent action movie so much?
Of all the new ones "Safe Haven" performed the best. I still know absolutely nothing about it.
The numbers were:
Die Hard $25M
Identity Thief $23M
Safe Haven $21M
My picks were:
Stephen Hayes guessed:
Beautiful Creatures 20 million
Silver Linings Playbook 11 million
Escape from Planet Earth 10 million
That's a goose egg for him.
Briane Pagel guessed:
1. Die Hard $30 million
2. Beautiful Creatures $12 million
3. Side Effects $10 million.
That's 100 points for him.
Rusty Carl guessed:
Die Hard: $40mil
Beautiful Creatures: $25mil
Identity Theft: $20 mil
That's 100 for Die Hard and 50 for Identity Thief so 150 total.
Andrew Leon guessed:
1. Die Hard: $39m
2. Safe Haven: $30m
3. Identity Thief: $22m
100 for Die Hard and then 50 each for Safe Haven and Identity Thief being in the wrong order. So 200 total.
Maurice Mitchell guessed:
1. A Good Day to Die Hard $55M (Die Hard always opens big)
2. Identity Thief - $20 million (The comedy is going strong)
3. Safe Haven - $30 million (Long weekends always bring out the romantics
That's a trifecta! 300 points for him. That might have won, except...
Tony Laplume guessed:
1. A Good Day to Die Hard ($45 mil)
2. Identity Thief ($25 mil)
3. Safe Haven ($20 mil)
That's another trifecta. And since Tony was closer to the total for Die Hard, he gets the win and the 500 bonus points.
As for the bonus question, the answer was LESS. Only two people actually guessed Less: Andrew Leon and Briane Pagel. By coin flip Briane gets the 100 point bonus.
And here are your updated scores. Tony's expanded his lead now to 650 points. So everyone's got some catching up to do!
Meanwhile Identity Thief performed strong for a second week despite that it's also R rated so maybe disregard what I just said. Or maybe on Valentine's Day weekend people don't want to watch a violent action movie so much?
Of all the new ones "Safe Haven" performed the best. I still know absolutely nothing about it.
The numbers were:
Die Hard $25M
Identity Thief $23M
Safe Haven $21M
My picks were:
- A Good Day to Die Hard $50M
- Identity Theft $18M
- Warm Bodies $9M
Stephen Hayes guessed:
Beautiful Creatures 20 million
Silver Linings Playbook 11 million
Escape from Planet Earth 10 million
That's a goose egg for him.
Briane Pagel guessed:
1. Die Hard $30 million
2. Beautiful Creatures $12 million
3. Side Effects $10 million.
That's 100 points for him.
Rusty Carl guessed:
Die Hard: $40mil
Beautiful Creatures: $25mil
Identity Theft: $20 mil
That's 100 for Die Hard and 50 for Identity Thief so 150 total.
Andrew Leon guessed:
1. Die Hard: $39m
2. Safe Haven: $30m
3. Identity Thief: $22m
100 for Die Hard and then 50 each for Safe Haven and Identity Thief being in the wrong order. So 200 total.
Maurice Mitchell guessed:
1. A Good Day to Die Hard $55M (Die Hard always opens big)
2. Identity Thief - $20 million (The comedy is going strong)
3. Safe Haven - $30 million (Long weekends always bring out the romantics
That's a trifecta! 300 points for him. That might have won, except...
Tony Laplume guessed:
1. A Good Day to Die Hard ($45 mil)
2. Identity Thief ($25 mil)
3. Safe Haven ($20 mil)
That's another trifecta. And since Tony was closer to the total for Die Hard, he gets the win and the 500 bonus points.
As for the bonus question, the answer was LESS. Only two people actually guessed Less: Andrew Leon and Briane Pagel. By coin flip Briane gets the 100 point bonus.
And here are your updated scores. Tony's expanded his lead now to 650 points. So everyone's got some catching up to do!
Box Office Blitz | ||
Scoreboard | ||
6 | Total | |
Tony Laplume | 800 | 2800 |
PT Dilloway | 200 | 2150 |
Andrew Leon | 200 | 1600 |
Rusty Carl | 150 | 900 |
Maurice Mitchell | 300 | 550 |
Michael Offutt | 0 | 400 |
Briane Pagel | 200 | 400 |
Stephen Hayes | 0 | 250 |
Donna Hole | 0 | 200 |
David P King | 0 | 200 |
1850 | 9450 |
Saturday, February 16, 2013
For Your Consideration
I was working on some covers for my Chances Are series. I was trying to find stock photos, but then I saw a neat picture on Fotolia and got another idea. This was the picture, although it was in black-and-white, not blue and obviously it didn't have text on it.
Anyway, the silhouette and shadow gave me an idea. In the first book a grizzled cop named Steve becomes a young woman named Stacey, so I thought of using a woman's silhouette but with a man's shadow, like this:
In the second one Stacey becomes a little girl, so this one has a little girl's silhouette with a woman's shadow:
Finally in the third one she's getting married, but a killer Steve put away 25 years ago breaks out of jail to come after her. So I thought to use a bride silhouette and then a skeleton shadow.
I'm not thrilled with the skeleton; I think I need to find a better picture for it.
Anyway, these are just prototypes. I'm just curious what you think of the concept, if it's neat or if it's stupid.
Anyway, the silhouette and shadow gave me an idea. In the first book a grizzled cop named Steve becomes a young woman named Stacey, so I thought of using a woman's silhouette but with a man's shadow, like this:
In the second one Stacey becomes a little girl, so this one has a little girl's silhouette with a woman's shadow:
Finally in the third one she's getting married, but a killer Steve put away 25 years ago breaks out of jail to come after her. So I thought to use a bride silhouette and then a skeleton shadow.
I'm not thrilled with the skeleton; I think I need to find a better picture for it.
Anyway, these are just prototypes. I'm just curious what you think of the concept, if it's neat or if it's stupid.
Friday, February 15, 2013
Box Office Blitz Week 6
Last week three people got all three top movies in exactly the right order. Unfortunately one of those wasn't me so now Tony Laplume is atop the leaderboard by a mere 50 points.
This week I can guarantee you that everyone can get a minimum of 100 points pretty much for showing up. I mean the #1 movie for this weekend is pretty freaking obvious I think. Unless there's some kind of natural disaster or something.
Here's the movies in my local theater: (* means new release)
A Good Day to Die Hard*
Argo
Beautiful Creatures*
Bullet to the Head
Escape from Planet Earth*
Gangster Squad
Hansel & Gretel
Identity Thief
Mama
Parental Guidance
Parker
Safe Haven*
Side Effects
Silver Linings Playbook
The Impossible
Warm Bodies
Zero Dark Thirty
As I said, I think the #1 movie is pretty freaking obvious this week. Of course last week I had zero confidence in "Identity Theft" and it about doubled the #2 movie last week. So maybe I'm not the super-genius at this that I think I am. I really don't know anything about the other two movies being released. I really have no idea then if they'll do anything or not. My guess is not, but clearly I've been wrong before and will be wrong again.
Anyway, my picks are:
Now you make your picks in the comments. Make sure to include dollar amounts as it's very likely that will have to be the tiebreaker this week, just like last week.
And now for a bonus question worth an extra 100 points to someone who guesses correctly. Make sure to include that in the comments too. Here's the question, another (MORE or LESS) question:
Last weekend the top 3 movies earned $59M roughly. Will the #1 movie this weekend make MORE or LESS than that $59M?
Results as usual will be posted Sunday afternoon, so if you can find time, check back to see where you are in the standings. Good luck!
This week I can guarantee you that everyone can get a minimum of 100 points pretty much for showing up. I mean the #1 movie for this weekend is pretty freaking obvious I think. Unless there's some kind of natural disaster or something.
Here's the movies in my local theater: (* means new release)
A Good Day to Die Hard*
Argo
Beautiful Creatures*
Bullet to the Head
Escape from Planet Earth*
Gangster Squad
Hansel & Gretel
Identity Thief
Mama
Parental Guidance
Parker
Safe Haven*
Side Effects
Silver Linings Playbook
The Impossible
Warm Bodies
Zero Dark Thirty
As I said, I think the #1 movie is pretty freaking obvious this week. Of course last week I had zero confidence in "Identity Theft" and it about doubled the #2 movie last week. So maybe I'm not the super-genius at this that I think I am. I really don't know anything about the other two movies being released. I really have no idea then if they'll do anything or not. My guess is not, but clearly I've been wrong before and will be wrong again.
Anyway, my picks are:
- A Good Day to Die Hard $50M
- Identity Theft $18M
- Warm Bodies $9M
Now you make your picks in the comments. Make sure to include dollar amounts as it's very likely that will have to be the tiebreaker this week, just like last week.
And now for a bonus question worth an extra 100 points to someone who guesses correctly. Make sure to include that in the comments too. Here's the question, another (MORE or LESS) question:
Last weekend the top 3 movies earned $59M roughly. Will the #1 movie this weekend make MORE or LESS than that $59M?
Results as usual will be posted Sunday afternoon, so if you can find time, check back to see where you are in the standings. Good luck!
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Thursday Review: The Marriage Plot
Happy Valentine's Day! Here's another randomly chosen book review that is not so romantic: The Marriage Plot Jeffrey Eugenides. I actually listened to the audiobook for this because I got it for free. Even so I still wanted a refund.
The Marriage Plot
by Jeffrey Eugenides
(2/5 stars)
It was about eight months ago when I finished reading Richard Russo's "Bridge of Sighs" which was the first novel Russo published after winning the Pulitzer. Overall I found it to be extremely dull. Part of what I theorized was that Russo had tried way too hard to prove himself after winning the highest award of American literature.
I mention that because this is Eugenides's first novel after winning the Pulitzer for "Middlesex" and it suffers from the same problems, although it mercifully isn't as long. Overall Eugenides's attempts to create something profound and deep winds up being a dull slog, not anywhere near as good as his two previous novels.
First off, I think his entire concept that the "marriage plot" doesn't exist anymore is flawed. There are plenty of books that still deal with marriage. Even I've written one! Maybe there aren't as many waltzes and as much worrying about manners, but marriage still remains a key part of many literary novels. More than a few of those are updates of Jane Austen or other Victorian stories too. Really Jane Austen has been updated every which way by now from sequels to being told from different narrators to being set in modern day to adding zombies and sea monsters. So there's nothing groundbreaking about this story.
This story takes place in the 1980s probably for the reason that it was easier for the author to write about twentysomethings during the period when he was twentysomething as opposed to trying to write about the 2010s. Mentioning the recession of the early 80s is of course supposed to make us think of the parallels to now.
It all starts at Brown University in Rhode Island. Spoiled little rich girl Madeline is pursuing a useless degree in English, focusing on Victorian literature. You can afford to waste your life like that when Mommy and Daddy (which she still calls them despite being 22) are paying all the bills. Madeline is finally graduating. It takes Eugenides a good track of the audiobook to finally inform us that the doorbell is ringing and her parents are visiting to watch her graduate.
Weeks earlier she broke up with Leonard, a quirky poor boy from Oregon. But on the way to graduating, she finds out Leonard is in the hospital after a nervous breakdown. She finds out that he's suffering from manic depression. Madeline is the type suffering from Florence Nightingale syndrome and soon becomes essentially Leonard's nurse.
At the same time, in a largely pointless subplot, Madeline's sometimes friend Mitchell is doing like so many kids his age and going backpacking through Europe with his friend Larry. Along the way Mitchell obsesses about Madeline. Why? Because the plot calls for it. I can't see much about her that's worth obsessing about. He also becomes Born Again and says "the Jesus Prayer" about 700 times, which is really annoying in an audiobook because I wondered if the CD was skipping. He finally goes to help Mother Teresa in India.
Eventually, thanks to unwisely cutting back on his meds, Leonard convinces Madeline to marry him. Needless to say this doesn't work out so well.
To put it mildly, this book was drudgery. None of the characters are very likable. Madeline is a whiny bore. Leonard is often a bully. Mitchell is a creep who should be watching Madeline with high-powered binoculars. There's no reason I'd ever want to read about any of these people. Nor do I care who marries who or doesn't marry who. They could all fall off a cliff for all I care.
The writing is mostly fine, though there was one laughable section where Mitchell stares at a French girl's butt and thinks that it's alive and looking at him. That only made me think of Jim Carrey in "Ace Ventura" talking out his butt, which I do all the time. I should also mention for the more sensitive reader there are some pretty explicit sex scenes and bad language, Hard-R rated kind of stuff if not NC-17.
What I hate most of all though is that it uses that structure where it starts in the present and then we have to go back through what's happened before that. Often we have to hear what happens from Madeline's point of view and then Leonard's or Mitchell's. There's often gratuitous exposition, most of it not mattering at all. There's so much discussion of philosophy, literature, and religion classes that the reader should get course credit at Brown for reading it.
Really there are so many better books you could read. For twentysomethings in the '80s read "Less Than Zero" or "The Mysteries of Pittsburgh." For a novel about a woman torn between a man with a debilitating condition and another guy, read "The Dive From Clausen's Pier." Or you could read Jane Austen. Or for another book about marriage, read "Where You Belong" by Yours Truly.
(2/5 stars)
Tomorrow Box Office Blitz Continues!
The Marriage Plot
by Jeffrey Eugenides
(2/5 stars)
It was about eight months ago when I finished reading Richard Russo's "Bridge of Sighs" which was the first novel Russo published after winning the Pulitzer. Overall I found it to be extremely dull. Part of what I theorized was that Russo had tried way too hard to prove himself after winning the highest award of American literature.
I mention that because this is Eugenides's first novel after winning the Pulitzer for "Middlesex" and it suffers from the same problems, although it mercifully isn't as long. Overall Eugenides's attempts to create something profound and deep winds up being a dull slog, not anywhere near as good as his two previous novels.
First off, I think his entire concept that the "marriage plot" doesn't exist anymore is flawed. There are plenty of books that still deal with marriage. Even I've written one! Maybe there aren't as many waltzes and as much worrying about manners, but marriage still remains a key part of many literary novels. More than a few of those are updates of Jane Austen or other Victorian stories too. Really Jane Austen has been updated every which way by now from sequels to being told from different narrators to being set in modern day to adding zombies and sea monsters. So there's nothing groundbreaking about this story.
This story takes place in the 1980s probably for the reason that it was easier for the author to write about twentysomethings during the period when he was twentysomething as opposed to trying to write about the 2010s. Mentioning the recession of the early 80s is of course supposed to make us think of the parallels to now.
It all starts at Brown University in Rhode Island. Spoiled little rich girl Madeline is pursuing a useless degree in English, focusing on Victorian literature. You can afford to waste your life like that when Mommy and Daddy (which she still calls them despite being 22) are paying all the bills. Madeline is finally graduating. It takes Eugenides a good track of the audiobook to finally inform us that the doorbell is ringing and her parents are visiting to watch her graduate.
Weeks earlier she broke up with Leonard, a quirky poor boy from Oregon. But on the way to graduating, she finds out Leonard is in the hospital after a nervous breakdown. She finds out that he's suffering from manic depression. Madeline is the type suffering from Florence Nightingale syndrome and soon becomes essentially Leonard's nurse.
At the same time, in a largely pointless subplot, Madeline's sometimes friend Mitchell is doing like so many kids his age and going backpacking through Europe with his friend Larry. Along the way Mitchell obsesses about Madeline. Why? Because the plot calls for it. I can't see much about her that's worth obsessing about. He also becomes Born Again and says "the Jesus Prayer" about 700 times, which is really annoying in an audiobook because I wondered if the CD was skipping. He finally goes to help Mother Teresa in India.
Eventually, thanks to unwisely cutting back on his meds, Leonard convinces Madeline to marry him. Needless to say this doesn't work out so well.
To put it mildly, this book was drudgery. None of the characters are very likable. Madeline is a whiny bore. Leonard is often a bully. Mitchell is a creep who should be watching Madeline with high-powered binoculars. There's no reason I'd ever want to read about any of these people. Nor do I care who marries who or doesn't marry who. They could all fall off a cliff for all I care.
The writing is mostly fine, though there was one laughable section where Mitchell stares at a French girl's butt and thinks that it's alive and looking at him. That only made me think of Jim Carrey in "Ace Ventura" talking out his butt, which I do all the time. I should also mention for the more sensitive reader there are some pretty explicit sex scenes and bad language, Hard-R rated kind of stuff if not NC-17.
What I hate most of all though is that it uses that structure where it starts in the present and then we have to go back through what's happened before that. Often we have to hear what happens from Madeline's point of view and then Leonard's or Mitchell's. There's often gratuitous exposition, most of it not mattering at all. There's so much discussion of philosophy, literature, and religion classes that the reader should get course credit at Brown for reading it.
Really there are so many better books you could read. For twentysomethings in the '80s read "Less Than Zero" or "The Mysteries of Pittsburgh." For a novel about a woman torn between a man with a debilitating condition and another guy, read "The Dive From Clausen's Pier." Or you could read Jane Austen. Or for another book about marriage, read "Where You Belong" by Yours Truly.
(2/5 stars)
Tomorrow Box Office Blitz Continues!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
SAVE!!! SAVE!!! SAVE!!!
Well after the complete lack of sales yesterday, I can only assume that asking you people to pay $2.99 for a book was asking much too much. I mean clearly that $2.99 would just break your wallets right open and force you into bankruptcy.
So I've lowered the price to a mere 99 cents. That's pretty much less than a hamburger at McDonald's.
It may take a few hours for the price change to show up on Amazon or B&N but you can always go to Smashwords to buy it. Or maybe that's just way too much trouble to go to. Maybe I should just email everyone free copies, right?
So I've lowered the price to a mere 99 cents. That's pretty much less than a hamburger at McDonald's.
It may take a few hours for the price change to show up on Amazon or B&N but you can always go to Smashwords to buy it. Or maybe that's just way too much trouble to go to. Maybe I should just email everyone free copies, right?
Grumpy. |
Superhero Trivia for Dummies
In case January's question wasn't easy enough, February's question is much easier! In fact, it's impossible to get this question wrong, although one answer is righter than the others. So here we go:
What color is the Scarlet Knight's armor?
A. Scarlet
B. Scarlet
C. Scarlet
D. All of the Above
The first one to answer the obvious gets a $5 Amazon gift card.
The Andrew Leon Rule is no longer in effect. It's anyone's game now! Probably Andrew's, but trying to beat him to it should be added motivation.
So good luck...as if you need it.
Tomorrow I review something!
What color is the Scarlet Knight's armor?
A. Scarlet
B. Scarlet
C. Scarlet
D. All of the Above
The first one to answer the obvious gets a $5 Amazon gift card.
The Andrew Leon Rule is no longer in effect. It's anyone's game now! Probably Andrew's, but trying to beat him to it should be added motivation.
So good luck...as if you need it.
Tomorrow I review something!
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Two-Cent Tuesday: Volume 2 is Here!
Today is the official release day for Time Enough to Say Goodbye, Tales of the Scarlet Knight Volume II. Yes, that's quite a mouthful. The good thing is that makes it easier to find in search engines, which is what I keep telling all these people who give their books one-word titles because they think it's cool. Search engine optimization!
Anyway, like Volume I, Volume II costs only $2.99. If it still says $299.99 somewhere that's because they haven't updated the site yet. So just go to the Smashwords page and you can download it in whatever format you want: Mobi for Kindle, ePub for Nook/Kobo, or PDF to read on your PC. It is on Amazon & B&N but I make more money if you buy it from the Smashwords site. I'm just saying.
Volume II actually has a long history to it. I wrote the first draft starting in August 2009. I remember that because it was the first book I wrote on my netbook. I remember I wrote the first chapter in a Big Boy restaurant in Novi, MI just to test the newfound freedom of not needing a power cord.
I was never fully happy with that first version of the story. It seemed like it needed something to make it more exciting. The character of the Watchmaker especially was kind of boring. I decided to rewrite it last year. Except the rewrite didn't end up being much more exciting in a lot of ways. Michael Offutt beta-read it and eventually we came up with the idea of introducing demons!
Demons already existed in a prequel story I'd written, one that focused on the witch character, Sylvia Joubert. I hadn't really used them in any Scarlet Knight stories, but they seemed like a natural fit. That allowed me to rewrite the Watchmaker and make him a scarier, more badass villain than before. It also altered Marie Marsh's character by giving her some new abilities.
So now I think Volume II is a lot better than that early draft. At the same time it still retains the best elements from that.
Like most of the Scarlet Knight stories, the plot revolves largely around sacrifices that need to be made. For Emma Earl, aka the Scarlet Knight, the sacrifice is those people who are the ones she cares about the most: her parents.
If you read the end of the first book then you know Marie Marsh has a weird pale eye that lets her see into the past and communicate with a little girl in the 19th Century named Veronica. With some help from a mysterious old man who calls himself the Watchmaker, Marie finds a way to use her eye to actually go back in time to 1876 so she can save Veronica from dying from a fever by bringing her to the present.
This changes the timeline and suddenly Emma finds herself back at her old house with her parents still alive. Even better yet, Emma is about to marry Dan Dreyfus, the love of her life. Can Emma give all that up to put things right again? Can Marie give up Veronica to put things right again? And what's the deal with the Watchmaker? Hurm...
If that's not enough of an enticement, let me just say this: the end battle involves demons, ninja witches, and a giant worm.
You know you want it, and for $2.99 why not? Go buy it now!
Tomorrow is the easiest Superhero Trivia question ever so you can win $5 that would allow you to stock up on both Scarlet Knight books. I'm just saying.
Anyway, like Volume I, Volume II costs only $2.99. If it still says $299.99 somewhere that's because they haven't updated the site yet. So just go to the Smashwords page and you can download it in whatever format you want: Mobi for Kindle, ePub for Nook/Kobo, or PDF to read on your PC. It is on Amazon & B&N but I make more money if you buy it from the Smashwords site. I'm just saying.
Volume II actually has a long history to it. I wrote the first draft starting in August 2009. I remember that because it was the first book I wrote on my netbook. I remember I wrote the first chapter in a Big Boy restaurant in Novi, MI just to test the newfound freedom of not needing a power cord.
I was never fully happy with that first version of the story. It seemed like it needed something to make it more exciting. The character of the Watchmaker especially was kind of boring. I decided to rewrite it last year. Except the rewrite didn't end up being much more exciting in a lot of ways. Michael Offutt beta-read it and eventually we came up with the idea of introducing demons!
Demons already existed in a prequel story I'd written, one that focused on the witch character, Sylvia Joubert. I hadn't really used them in any Scarlet Knight stories, but they seemed like a natural fit. That allowed me to rewrite the Watchmaker and make him a scarier, more badass villain than before. It also altered Marie Marsh's character by giving her some new abilities.
So now I think Volume II is a lot better than that early draft. At the same time it still retains the best elements from that.
Like most of the Scarlet Knight stories, the plot revolves largely around sacrifices that need to be made. For Emma Earl, aka the Scarlet Knight, the sacrifice is those people who are the ones she cares about the most: her parents.
If you read the end of the first book then you know Marie Marsh has a weird pale eye that lets her see into the past and communicate with a little girl in the 19th Century named Veronica. With some help from a mysterious old man who calls himself the Watchmaker, Marie finds a way to use her eye to actually go back in time to 1876 so she can save Veronica from dying from a fever by bringing her to the present.
This changes the timeline and suddenly Emma finds herself back at her old house with her parents still alive. Even better yet, Emma is about to marry Dan Dreyfus, the love of her life. Can Emma give all that up to put things right again? Can Marie give up Veronica to put things right again? And what's the deal with the Watchmaker? Hurm...
If that's not enough of an enticement, let me just say this: the end battle involves demons, ninja witches, and a giant worm.
You know you want it, and for $2.99 why not? Go buy it now!
Tomorrow is the easiest Superhero Trivia question ever so you can win $5 that would allow you to stock up on both Scarlet Knight books. I'm just saying.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Comic Captions 2/11/13
It's another Comic Captions, where I take a panel of a comic book and you get to caption it. As always the fun is relative to how much effort you put into it.
This week's is from Firestorm (2004) #4
Now it's your turn!
Tomorrow Time Enough to Say Goodbye, Tales of the Scarlet Knight Volume II is released! Excited yet?
This week's is from Firestorm (2004) #4
Firestorm: This Comic Captions is brought to you by H for Humiliating.
Now it's your turn!
Tomorrow Time Enough to Say Goodbye, Tales of the Scarlet Knight Volume II is released! Excited yet?
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Box Office Blitz Week 5 Results: Trifecta Trifecta!
Well last week I crowed about how I got the trifecta--all three movies in proper order. So of course this week I failed miserably and 3 other people scored the trifecta. That'll show me. Those people would be Rusty Carl, Tony Laplume, and Michael Offutt.
My mistake was seriously underestimating stupid Jason Bateman comedies--because like every other Jason Bateman comedy since the 80s had failed. But I guess a lack of anything better in February allowed this to succeed beyond anyone's expectations.
The final results were:
My sad picks were:
Now to the trifectas:
Rusty Carl had:
Identity Theft - $20 mil
Warm Bodies - $17 mil
Side Effects - $10 mil
That's 300 points for Rusty.
Michael Offutt finally played for real and guessed:
Identity Thief 18 mil
Warm Bodies 15 mil
Side Effects 13 mil
That's 300 for him.
And Tony Laplume had:
1. Identity Thief ($25 mil)
2. Warm Bodies ($11 mil)
3. Side Effects ($10 mil)
300 for Tony. Now since the final box office was $37M, Tony also wins the round since he bid higher than Michael or Rusty. So a total of 800 for Tony.
As for the other mere mortals:
Andrew Leon had:
Identity Thief -- $24m
Side Effects -- $16m
Warm Bodies -- $12m
He gets 100 for Identity Thief and 50 for transposing the other two. That's 200 overall.
Briane Pagel had:
Warm Bodies $13 mil
Side Effects $12 mil
identity thief $10 mil
That's 50 for each one for a total of 150.
And Donna Hole had:
Identity Thief
Mama
Warm Bodies
That's 100 for Identity Thief and 50 for Warm Bodies.
Now as for the bonus question. I asked whether the bottom three movies would make more or less than the $8M last week's brought in. The bottom three were:
Argo $2.5M
Django Unchained $2.3M
Bullet to the Head $2M
So that's $6.8M which would be LESS.
Rusty and Andrew both guessed less. I flipped a coin and it came up on Andrew. So he gets the 200 points for the bonus question.
The updated scores:
So Tony has taken over the lead, but by a mere 50 points. Andrew is close behind. The rest of y'all have some catching up to do.
Next week I can almost guarantee you can make 100 points minimum. I mean I think we can all guess the #1 movie next week. Yippie ki yay motherfuckers!
Tomorrow is Comic Captions!
My mistake was seriously underestimating stupid Jason Bateman comedies--because like every other Jason Bateman comedy since the 80s had failed. But I guess a lack of anything better in February allowed this to succeed beyond anyone's expectations.
The final results were:
- Identity Thief $37M
- Warm Bodies $12M
- Side Effects $10M
My sad picks were:
- Warm Bodies $18M
- Silver Linings Playbook $10M
- Side Effects $8M
Now to the trifectas:
Rusty Carl had:
Identity Theft - $20 mil
Warm Bodies - $17 mil
Side Effects - $10 mil
That's 300 points for Rusty.
Michael Offutt finally played for real and guessed:
Identity Thief 18 mil
Warm Bodies 15 mil
Side Effects 13 mil
That's 300 for him.
And Tony Laplume had:
1. Identity Thief ($25 mil)
2. Warm Bodies ($11 mil)
3. Side Effects ($10 mil)
300 for Tony. Now since the final box office was $37M, Tony also wins the round since he bid higher than Michael or Rusty. So a total of 800 for Tony.
As for the other mere mortals:
Andrew Leon had:
Identity Thief -- $24m
Side Effects -- $16m
Warm Bodies -- $12m
He gets 100 for Identity Thief and 50 for transposing the other two. That's 200 overall.
Briane Pagel had:
Warm Bodies $13 mil
Side Effects $12 mil
identity thief $10 mil
That's 50 for each one for a total of 150.
And Donna Hole had:
Identity Thief
Mama
Warm Bodies
That's 100 for Identity Thief and 50 for Warm Bodies.
Now as for the bonus question. I asked whether the bottom three movies would make more or less than the $8M last week's brought in. The bottom three were:
Argo $2.5M
Django Unchained $2.3M
Bullet to the Head $2M
So that's $6.8M which would be LESS.
Rusty and Andrew both guessed less. I flipped a coin and it came up on Andrew. So he gets the 200 points for the bonus question.
The updated scores:
5 | Total | |
Tony Laplume | 800 | 2000 |
PT Dilloway | 150 | 1950 |
Andrew Leon | 400 | 1400 |
Rusty Carl | 300 | 750 |
Michael Offutt | 300 | 400 |
Stephen Hayes | 0 | 250 |
Maurice Mitchell | 0 | 250 |
Donna Hole | 150 | 200 |
Briane Pagel | 150 | 200 |
David P King | 0 | 200 |
2250 | 7600 |
So Tony has taken over the lead, but by a mere 50 points. Andrew is close behind. The rest of y'all have some catching up to do.
Next week I can almost guarantee you can make 100 points minimum. I mean I think we can all guess the #1 movie next week. Yippie ki yay motherfuckers!
Tomorrow is Comic Captions!
Friday, February 8, 2013
Box Office Blitz Week 5
It's time for Week 5 of Box Office Blitz! It's the game where you try to predict who will win the movie box office this weekend.
Last week I got all three correct, which is obviously a tough act to follow. That put me in the lead by 600 points, but there's still plenty of time for others to catch up.
Here are this week's slate of movies from my local theater. (*indicates a new release)
Argo
Broken City
Bullet to the Head
Gangster Squad
Hansel & Gretel
Identity Thief*
Mama
Parental Guidance
Movie 43
Parker
Side Effects*
Silver Linings Playbook
Stand Up Guys
Guilt Trip
The Impossible
Warm Bodies
Zero Dark Thirty
Only two new movies and I'm not sold on either of them. So I will go with:
After last week you may want to copy me. Just don't copy the dollar amounts or we're screwed.
As a bonus question last week I asked how many showings the craptacular "Movie 43" would have this week. The answer remarkably was 5! I suppose it helped that there are only 2 new movies this week. From checking the answers last week no one got it right. So no one gets the 100 point bonus. But never fear, that means this week's bonus question will be worth 200 points! I'll make it Yes or No just so we have a winner. If there's a tie (which I would hope) then I'll use random.org to pick a winner.
Here's the question:
Last week's #8-10 movies made a combined $8M. Will the bottom 3 of the top 10 make more or less this week?
As usual post your answers in the comments and results will be updated on Sunday. Good luck!
Last week I got all three correct, which is obviously a tough act to follow. That put me in the lead by 600 points, but there's still plenty of time for others to catch up.
Here are this week's slate of movies from my local theater. (*indicates a new release)
Argo
Broken City
Bullet to the Head
Gangster Squad
Hansel & Gretel
Identity Thief*
Mama
Parental Guidance
Movie 43
Parker
Side Effects*
Silver Linings Playbook
Stand Up Guys
Guilt Trip
The Impossible
Warm Bodies
Zero Dark Thirty
Only two new movies and I'm not sold on either of them. So I will go with:
- Warm Bodies $18M
- Silver Linings Playbook $10M
- Side Effects $8M
After last week you may want to copy me. Just don't copy the dollar amounts or we're screwed.
As a bonus question last week I asked how many showings the craptacular "Movie 43" would have this week. The answer remarkably was 5! I suppose it helped that there are only 2 new movies this week. From checking the answers last week no one got it right. So no one gets the 100 point bonus. But never fear, that means this week's bonus question will be worth 200 points! I'll make it Yes or No just so we have a winner. If there's a tie (which I would hope) then I'll use random.org to pick a winner.
Here's the question:
Last week's #8-10 movies made a combined $8M. Will the bottom 3 of the top 10 make more or less this week?
As usual post your answers in the comments and results will be updated on Sunday. Good luck!
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