Grumpy Bulldog Makes The Last Jedi As Epic As It Should Have Been

I wonder which is the least popular feature on my blog:  comic book reviews, movie reviews, or when I rewrite the plot to a movie like I did (a couple times maybe) with Batman v Superman and Logan?  Maybe they're all equally unpopular.

Anyway, Wednesday I ripped The Last Jedi a new asshole and with just cause.  Now some smart aleck might come along and say, "Oh yeah, like you could do better."  Yes, yes I could.  So that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to polish Rian Johnson's turd of a screenplay and you'll see what you missed out on.

OK, so the opening crawl and base evacuation I don't have a huge problem with.  Though why the hell were those "bombers" so slow?  It's like something from one of those old X-Wing or TIE Fighter video games where you have to protect some transport and it has to go super-duper slow through a bunch of enemy fire to make the mission really annoying.

I'm already digressing.  Now in my version we don't have any of this "running out of fuel" nonsense or the OJ Simpson chase in space.  That shit's stupid.  So the First Order blows the hell out of all 3 Resistance ships.  Leia and 3PO and purple-haired Laura Dern get separated from Finn, Poe, and BB-8.  Leia's pod is picked up by the First Order and taken aboard the flagship, where Leia meets her son (something that has never actually happened in 2 movies) and he takes her to Snoke.  The other pod ends up crashing on Cantu Bight and Poe, Finn, and BB-8 head towards the big casino city to try to get help.

Meanwhile, in Ireland (or whatever the hell that place was called) Rey meets Luke and he's reluctant to go back with her.  But none of this whiny "I came here to die" bullshit.  Let's give him a better reason for being there, like he's trying to find a way to turn Ben back to the light without him dying like Vader.  A little flimsy, but whatever.  Rey tries to tell him that they need his help and so forth but he's not having it...yet.  That night, though, he sees Leia being tortured in his dreams (or visions, whatever) and goes to Rey to say he's going to come back with her, but first he needs to give her some training.  (Cue "Eye of the Tiger" or the Rocky training theme!)

On the First Order flagship, Snoke is trying to get Leia to crack and reveal all of the Resistance's secrets, but of course she's a tough nut to crack.  Ben is conflicted about this but tries not to show it.

On Cantu Bight, Poe and Finn get into the casino and try finding help.  But they wind up getting busted and taken to the owner's office.  And the owner of the casino is...Lando Calrissian!  (Remember him, Disney?)  Like Han, Lando kind of dropped out of the whole Rebellion thing and went back to doing what he does best.  He's bummed about Han and so offers to help them rescue Leia and the others from the First Order.  This is where we'll introduce Rose to give her something more interesting to do than stunning people trying to get in escape pods.  Also, Benicio del Toro sucks.  A slimy thief who...stays a slimy thief through the end.  Wow, Rian Johnson.  That's really exciting. [eye roll]  Anyway, Lando hooks Finn and Rose up with a ship and a fighter for Poe and BB8.  And so they go off to find Leia and the others.

Back on the island, Luke is putting Rey through her paces with lifting rocks and some lightsaber sparring, because in my version Luke still has his green lightsaber.  You can keep the stuff about how Luke's first temple was destroyed.  That's OK, more or less.  But maybe be less whiny about it.

On the ship heading for the First Order, Finn and Rose talk.  She says she has a sister in the Resistance and gradually it dawns on her and Finn that her sister is dead.  And so Finn comforts her...and if this weren't a Star Wars movie there might be some sex, but kissing is about all we can do.  And maybe as they're kissing Poe calls up to tell them they're almost there or something, like 3PO interrupting Leia and Han kissing in Empire for one of those little winks.

On the First Order ship, Ben pays Leia a visit in-between torture sessions.  He tries to convince her to give up and give Snoke what he wants.  And she tries to convince him to come back to the light.  He storms away like a little bitch then.  (Because that's what he is.)

On the island, it's nighttime and Luke is asleep.  Rey's supposed to be asleep, but instead she sneaks off to the dark side cave.  Instead of funhouse mirrors she sees a woman who looks much like her and a younger Luke and they're in love.  Rey confronts Luke with this vision and he admits, I am your father.  Long story short he met a woman with the Rebellion and they fell in love but when she said she was pregnant, he wanted nothing to do with her because he knew any child of his would have a target painted on its back by Imperials, First Order, Sith, Hutts, or whoever else.  So the woman went away and met someone else and had Rey.  But after some demonstration of the child's Force abilities, the woman left Rey on Jakku, where she'd be "safe" from anyone wanting to exploit her potential.  And yet as Fate (or, you know, the Force) would have it, Rey found her way to Luke anyway and is tapping her power.  Understandably Rey is pissed and stomps off.  (Whether Disney would allow this much moral ambiguity I'm not sure.  But you have to admit it's better than "your parents were deadbeats who sold you for beer money.")

The next morning Luke finds Rey and they talk and he admits he never wanted any of this for her because being a Jedi kinda sucks.  They hug it out and get on the Falcon to go confront Snoke and Ben.

Finally Finn, Rose, and Poe track down the First Order flagship.  Poe breaks off to create a distraction while Rose hacks the ship's shields and whatever so they can land without detection.  Poe's fighter takes some damage so he has to break off and regroup, wishing them well.

On the Falcon, Luke and Rey discuss whether Ben can really be turned or not.  Luke is less optimistic about this prospect.  Sure, Vader turned, but only when Luke was going to die.  Might Ben turn with his mother in mortal danger?  Hurm...let's find out!

In Snoke's throne room, he's starting to get kinda pissed because Leia keeps resisting him.  And Ben is really conflicted too.  That's when they all three realize that Rey and Luke are coming for them.  Snoke tells Hux to let the Falcon get through their defenses, though to make it look good.  Leia pleads with Snoke not to do it and he says if she gives up all her Resistance contacts and such then he'll let Luke and Rey live.  (Which he probably won't any more than Tarkin was going to spare Alderaan.)  But she won't do it and Snoke gets pissed enough to knock her out.

Finn and Rose go through the ship, dodging a few patrols and such in their First Order disguises.  They finally reach the detention block and first find 3PO and Laura Dern.  They tell Finn and Rose that Leia's in a separate cell and that Snoke's been working her over.  They find Leia's cell and she wakes up long enough to ask them to warn Rey and Luke to stay away.  So Finn and Rose have to find a way to get a message to the Falcon to tell them It's a Trap!

But Luke's a fucking Jedi Master so he pretty much knows this already.  He instructs Rey to just go along with what he does and wait for the right time to strike.  They approach the First Order fleet with Chewie dodging some lasers and crap until Luke and Rey can get aboard with an escape pod or whatever.  Then they make their approach towards Snoke's throne room.

Meanwhile, Finn and Rose realize they're too late.  As they're trying to come up with a new plan, Phasma and some goons show up to capture them and take them back to the detention block.

Luke and Rey get to the throne room to find Snoke and Ben waiting.  There's some talk with Luke and Rey trying to convince Ben to turn but he's not into it.  Finally Snoke senses that Rey has Skywalker blood in her and says how valuable that makes her.  That's when Luke and Snoke throw down in an epic Force battle with lightning and shit being thrown around and all of that.  Rey wants to help Luke but Ben gets in her way and so they have a lower-key lightsaber duel.

Meanwhile, Finn and Rose are in the cell with Laura Dern and 3PO.  Finn is grousing about their shitty situation.  Then Rose, with some help from 3PO, get the door open.  And they bust Leia out too, though she's still weak.  They're going to find a ship or something to escape but Leia insists she needs to go back to the throne room.  On the way there, though, they're confronted by Phasma and some guards.  Finn takes on Phasma while Leia is able to keep going to the throne room.

The battle is not going all that well for Luke or Rey.  Having not used the Force all that much in years, Luke is tiring against Snoke's onslaught while Rey is obviously not the swordsman Ben is.  Snoke finally gets in a good lick on Luke to send him sprawling.  Rey wants to go to his side, but Ben is still in the way.  Snoke promises that after he finishes off Rey's father, he'll turn her to the dark side.

Meanwhile Finn and Phasma fight until Rose comes to Finn's aid--and they kiss for reals this time.  Finn wants to go help Leia, but Rose suggests she can take care of herself and they should go find a way to disable the flagship so they can maybe escape.  So they head off to go shut down the power core or whatever.  Stick a potato in the tailpipe or steal the distributor cap.  It's about as stupid as running out of "fuel" in the middle of space.

Before Snoke can finish Luke, Leia comes into the throne room and uses the Force to send him flying.  But he hits her with some lightning or whatever and she goes down.  Ben is furious about this and turns on his mentor.  He takes some electrical damage but kills Snoke in a blind fury.  Then he goes to his mother's side just as she dies.  Ben is pissed and wrongly blames Luke and Rey for interfering.  He goes after them, but he's in such a rage that they're able to knock him out.  Luke and Rey hurry away with Leia's body.

Finn and Rose do their thing with the power core or whatever and almost literally run into Luke and Rey.  Their reunion is dampened when they see Leia is dead.  They head for the hangar as the power goes out in the ship.  In the chaos they get to the hangar just as the Falcon lands to take them away.

Meanwhile Ben wakes up and sees his mother, Rey, and Luke gone and Snoke is still dead.  Hux shows up and Ben--or Kylo now--insists he's the one in charge now.  Just then they find out the Falcon is getting away with the prisoners.  So Kylo goes to his ship to chase them.

As Kylo is closing in, suddenly Poe appears in his fighter and damages Kylo's ship.  There are still plenty of other First Order ships around, though, so they aren't out of the woods yet.  But that's when a ragtag fleet appears led by...Lando!  Because why the hell not?  This is my story, damn it.  Lando's called in a lot of favors to cobble together a fleet of ships to harass the First Order.  And then they all escape.

Later, on some nice planet, there's a funeral for Leia.  Luke and Lando both promise to help the Resistance cause and take the fight to the First Order because that's what she'd want them to do.

And...cue the music!

As usual I don't know how practical all of that would have been, but I think it's a lot better.  If you want AT-ATs and crap to sell toys then put that in the evacuation scenes.

I know no one will read it but I'm going to finish my trilogy tomorrow!  Because I can.  So there.