Bubble Boys & Girls

During a “polar vortex” this winter I decided to try a social experiment.  The front door of my building often doesn’t shut completely, especially when it’s really cold or really humid. Since it was going to be -30 wind chills, it seemed to make sense to actually close the fucking door so as little arctic air as possible would leak into the building.

To that end I got a marker and piece of paper and wrote “Close the Door!” on it and hung it from the door.  I couldn’t keep real statistics, but do you think people actually closed the door?  Meh.  Of course not.  Most people still just barged through the door and let it slam behind them like a tough guy walking away from an explosion in a movie, leaving it ajar despite how fucking cold it was outside.  All they had to do was wait five seconds to pull the door shut behind them, but nope.

Because that would require thinking about other people instead of ourselves.  Most of us don’t have the ability to think outside the little bubble of ourselves to consider others.

For instance, just go to the grocery store.  One night I went to Kroger and right as I enter an aisle this guy decides he’s going to pull his cart angled across about half the aisle while he looks for shit on the shelves.  Because no one else would possibly want to use the aisle, right?  So I just yanked his cart out of the way and kept going about my business.  But so often you get these people (sometimes employees or delivery people too) who park their carts at the choke point of an aisle where there’s a pillar or display, thus making it hard for anyone else to get through, especially if they have a cart.  Or someone parks their cart flat against the shelves but then they stand right across from it so they’re taking up twice the space.  And then there are people who instead of pushing the cart from behind walk beside it, again taking up twice the space.

Especially in winter when it gets dark earlier there are times when I’m working in the evening at Panera or Starbucks or Biggby on a story and you get these people who shine their headlights right through the windows of the building.  Not just for a minute or so before they turn off either; they have someone else get out and sit there idling with their lights on for 10-15 minutes!  I just want to go outside, tap on their window, and say, “Hey, dumbass, you maybe notice that building right in front of you?”  That building full of people who might not want blinded by your obnoxious blue lights that are brighter than “bright” lights were back in the 90s?

Sometimes I also work in the Starbucks of Targets and usually they’re facing the parking lot so I can watch people park in the fire lane where it says to not park.  Or sometimes across the main aisle from that.  Either way like in the store it creates a choke point for traffic.  Sometimes they’re just waiting for a big item to be brought out, but more often it’s someone going into the store or Starbucks thinking, “I’m just going to be a couple of minutes.”  Well here’s news for you buddy: just about everyone is going to be a couple of minutes.  And they actually parked in the spaces.  What’s the matter with you?  You think you’re special, snowflake?

I’m sure you’ve seen your share of people parking in handicap spaces who aren’t handicapped or parking across 2-3 spaces.  Or passing on the right, weaving through traffic, tailgating, and all the other fun things assholes do to get that slight bit farther ahead.  One time this lady comes out of a Chase bank and decides to sit across the turn lane into another lane of traffic.  So those of us who wanted to turn had to wait until she finally completed her turn before we could go.  When I honked at her, she just turned the other way and pretended we didn’t exist.  Wouldn’t want to start considering other people now, would you?  Because clearly it’s more important you turn than the five cars in the turn lane where they’re supposed to be.

In my building there used to be people across from me who had dogs they’d let run outside without a leash.  It was less annoying when it was just one smaller dog, but then they got a huge fucking Great Dane too.  They’d look outside before they let the beasts out, but of course just because there’s no one outside at that moment doesn’t mean people won’t come by in a minute or so, many of them with their own dogs.  And then all they’d do was ineffectually call for the dogs, which might be helpful if they’d ever trained their animals.  I think they finally had one run-in too many with other people because they finally started taking them out on leashes.  Though of course they’d spend the whole time with one hand on the leashes and one hand with their phone.  So if the fucking Great Dane wants to start running, you think this person can hold it back with one hand?

Of course cell phones have made this problem a billion times worse.  Now you have people blundering around with their head in a phone.  Or worse, driving around with their head in a phone while operating a two-ton urban assault vehicle.  It’s not really a surprise when the local news reported recently that pedestrian-car fatalities were at a high not seen in almost 30 years.  Over 6,000 people in one year!  You have a pedestrian on his phone and a driver on his phone, what do you think will happen?  Remember when Google Glass and Pokemon Go were big things and you’d have people walking into traffic or fall down an open manhole or something because they weren’t paying attention?

I could go on and on and on, but the simple thing is that people just don’t fucking THINK outside themselves.  It’s not just Millennials or people on phones, it’s everyone!  Even me--and you.  We’re all guilty at one point or another.  We need to slow down and consider others.  As Fraser the Mountie on Due South said, “It only takes a moment to be courteous.”  It only takes a moment to close the fucking door when it’s -30 or park your cart properly or park your car in a proper space and walk or turn off your fucking headlights when you’re not in drive.  It’s the little things that often make the biggest difference--like not running over someone (or getting run over) because you’re on your phone.  That’s how you can start making a better world.

This has been a Public Service Announcement by the Foundation to Actually Fucking Think, You Dumb Motherfuckers!!!