Once More Unto the Breach!

It's a good thing I pretty much have October's posts written already because I have a lot of other writing stuff to do.  The Hero's Journey sequel needs the third act written, then it's going to need a boatload of editing, plus I've got a project I'm working with Neil Vogler on, and another project that sort of ties into that I'm hoping to get around to.

I really need one of those montages like in the movies to get everything done.  You know like whenever Rocky needed to train they'd play a song and you'd see a bunch of images of him training and getting better until he could climb up the steps to the Philly art museum or to the top of a mountain and scream, "Drago!"  The 70s-80s I guess they used a lot more montages than we see today, usually in the same mode as Rocky with some kind of cheesy song.  But you still see them today.  I mean like in "Batman Begins" there's a montage when he's training with Ra's Al Ghul or in "Spider-Man" when he's coming up with a costume and such.

Anyway, I need to crank it up from writing maybe once a week (Saturdays) to doing it more like 6 days a week.  Though it's like exercising where I know I should get to it and then I just whine and complain and put it off.  Except on Saturdays because I really have nothing else to do that day, especially since Michigan and Michigan State are both going to be lousy at football this year so those games suck to watch.  Plus the Tigers are almost done and there's another hockey lockout.

Hmmm, where can I buy some motivation from?  Really I haven't been very motivated all year.  There's always next year I guess.  See, I couldn't even get motivated to make this much of a blog entry.

Monday we meet the Lady in Red in Phony Photos...

Book Review: Higher Power by Claire Lachance

You could probably describe "Higher Power" as being like "Inception" only without all the gun battles and car chases and fight sequences ripped off from "The Matrix."  And contrary to what the title might suggest there's nothing in there about religion.

The story focuses on a blind man name Max Caldwell.  Like a lot of blind people, when Max lost his sight, his other senses became more acute.  In his case he actually developed a new sense:  Max can see into people's dreams.  Not only can he see the dreams, he finds he can control them as well.  Unfortunately he discovers this power at a young age and ends up turning it against his parents in a fit of childish angst that proves deadly.

After which Max ends up in a loony bin.  But now that he's a grown man and hasn't had any problems in a good while, the state has decided he's "cured" and is turning him loose.  Max still has to go to the hospital periodically to meet with a therapist helping him to reintegrate with society.

One day at the hospital, though, Max finds himself drawn into the dreams of a coma patient named Sarah.  Though he's sworn to not use his power again, Max can't help himself when it seems like Sarah is about to die in her dream.

From there Max begins spending more and more time around Sarah, using his power to keep her safe.  At first he does relatively simple things, but soon he decides the only way to make sure she's safe is to build a whole new world for her, a "perfect" world inside her mind.  But how do you make a perfect world?  And how long can the illusion really last?

You might think it's a little creepy that this guy is obsessing about a woman in a coma, but it's not like he's actually doing anything to her in real life.  He's not fondling her or any of that.  And he doesn't try to make her fall in love with him, at least not until she inadvertently sees him in the dream world.  Like I said at the beginning, this isn't a violent action story.  It's more of a romance between Max and Sarah.  It's also kind of a superhero type story as Max learns with great power comes great responsibility.

Anyway, this is an enjoyable fairly light read.  It won't have you questioning reality either and make you wonder whether the end was a dream or anything like that.  So that's a plus.

That is all.

Monday is another Phony Photo...

Practical Superheroism #5: Tools of the Trade

Disclaimer:  Don't try this at home...no, wait, you know what, go ahead and try this at home!  Then after you get the shit beat out of you go post some pictures so I can point and laugh.

Let's see, we've talked about coming up with a name and costume, learning how to fight, and what weapons to buy, now it's time for some more tools of the trade.  If you want, get a sweet utility belt like Batman.  And then name everything the "Bat-"something like in Superfriends.  "Hurry, Robin, use your Batsuction cups to get up to the Batropes to get to the Batcopter on the roof of the Batcave!"

You know the most important thing you need?  A flashlight.  Why?  Because most superhero work takes place at night since most crime takes place at night.  At least most crime superheroes fight.  White collar crime takes place from 9-5 but superheroes don't give a shit about insider trading usually so whatever.  I think I'll go use my accounting knowledge to create a new hero:  The Auditor!  The Auditor uses his keen accounting skills to detect fraud, thereby saving money for ordinary citizens!  I should pitch this to the AICPA; I could probably get them to fund it.

Anyway, I'd say get one of those big heavy flashlights like cops use.  One of those big Maglite mothers that when you load it with batteries also works as a great club.  That way if the guns and knives I told you to buy don't work, you have something else to rely on.  You should also have a backup flashlight that's smaller, like a penlight for when the big honking flashlight is too cumbersome.

Another good thing to have:  a cell phone.  Why?  Well these days there aren't pay phones anywhere so after you beat up the bad guys and tie them up, how are you going to get the cops there to pick them up?  Or conversely if the bad guys beat the shit out of you and you're bleeding to death in an alley you need to be able to call for an ambulance.

Now since you don't want people to know your secret identity, get one of those little disposable prepaid cell phones and for God's sake don't buy it with your credit card!  At least that's what they always do on "Burn Notice" where it seems like the superspy runs through fifteen cell phones per episode.  (Incidentally, you should watch that and "MacGuyver" and stuff because you can learn interesting little tricks like turning a can of keyboard dusting spray upside down can freeze a lock so you can smash it open!)

If your disposable phone is good enough it might have some nice apps on it like say Google Maps so you can figure out where you're going.  If not you can buy something to do that I'm sure.

Since I mentioned it, you need something to tie up bad guys with.  Rope might work but it's not that portable.  You can probably buy some of those zip tie dealies the cops use online--like this.  If nothing else, get some sturdy duct tape and tape the wrists and ankles as tight as possible.

Something else you might want to look into is a lockpick kit.  They probably sell those online too.  At the very least keep a thin wire-type thing around in case you need to pick a lock and get in somewhere.  You can find out how to do that online.  I know because I looked it up once for a story.  Plus Russell Crowe does it in "The Next Three Days" by looking it up online and movies never lie, right?  Anyway, I'm just saying you should do that because if you're running around playing World's Greatest Detective you might need to get behind locked doors.  Try not to misuse those skills though.

This is probably just scratching the surface.  If you have a decent budget you can get all sorts of stuff like nightvision goggles and so forth.  Maybe you people have some ideas?

And let's not forget the mos essential thing any superhero needs:  Shark Repellent!

Next month I'll talk about superhero transportation...you know, if you can't fly or teleport or any of that stuff. In the meantime, Thursday I review Higher Power by Claire Lachance...

A HERO'S JOURNEY: THE ILLUSTRATED CHAPTER 1

For all of you have been so patiently waiting the book's release, I decided to skip the Two-Fer Tuesday and instead give you ALL of Chapter 1!  And not only that, but it's an illustrated chapter.  Hooray!  And if you enjoy this chapter, go to the Deleted Scenes and you can read the Prologue and original opening to Chapter 1, which featured a lot more going on.

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Chapter 1

The Plaine Museum of Natural History

As she mounted the steps to her dream job, Dr. Emma Earl’s main concern was not to trip over her own feet.  She kept her eyes down on her size-15 flats to make sure she didn’t fall on her face.  First impressions came only once and she didn’t want her new coworkers to think she was stupid and clumsy.

She made it to the top unscathed and recognized the man waiting for her as the same Dr. Ian MacGregor who had conducted her second interview.  If she hadn’t recognized his face, then his Scottish accent would certainly have jarred her memory.  “Good morning, Dr. Earl.  Here early on your first day even.”

Dr. Ian MacGregor

Emma needed a moment to remember that she was Dr. Earl now; the title sounded so strange from someone else’s mouth.  “Yes,” she managed to get out.  As her face turned red-hot, she summoned the courage to add, “Am I too early?”

“Not at all, lass.  I like employees who are punctual.”

“Oh.  That’s good.”

“Now, why don’t we go inside and I’ll show you around?”

“Shouldn’t Dr. Brighton—?”

“He won’t mind.  Trust me.”  Since Dr. MacGregor was the head of the geology department, Emma had no choice but to take his word for it. 

Alex the Mastodon

She hadn’t visited the museum in four years, but it looked relatively unchanged.  They walked around the ticket line, into the Great Hall.  At one end of this hall was the longest-running exhibit of the Plaine Museum, the skeleton of a mastodon named Alex in honor of Dr. Alexander Plaine, the museum’s founder who had discovered the mastodon in Ohio and brought it back to his native Rampart City.  At his own expense he built the museum around it so the city might have an institution dedicated to knowledge and learning to rival any major European city at the time.

Dr. Emma Earl

Emma knew this story by heart—she had read Dr. Plaine’s biography when she was three—but didn’t mind hearing it again from Dr. MacGregor.  They paused in front of Alex while Dr. MacGregor told the story in his Scottish brogue.  “No one expects you to be a tour guide, but it’s always good if you can point visitors to the right place.”

“Yes, sir.  I’ve been coming here since I was little.”

“You’ve probably memorized every inch of the place then, haven’t you?”

“Not quite, sir.”

“No need for that ‘sir’ stuff like we’re in the military.”

“Sorry, Dr. MacGregor.”

“You can just call me Ian, lass.  You mind if I call you Emma?”

“I don’t mind.”

“Excellent.”  He indicated the sets of double doors behind her that for the moment were closed.  “Those are our temporary exhibits.  Right now we’re winding down the ‘Wonderful World of Ants.’  The kiddies really seem to like that.  We’ve also got ‘American Pirates’ going on.  That’s a popular one, might keep it for a while longer if we can.”

“What about that one over there?” she asked and pointed to the left. 

Karlak II

“Oh, that.  Bloody mess is what that is.  Supposed to be something called ‘Egypt’s First King’ about this Karlak II bloke.  Except on the trip here, the freighter carrying most of the artifacts sank.”

“The captain scuttled the ship, didn’t he?  I remember reading about that in the newspaper.”

“Quite right, lass.  They say he went nuts and destroyed the boilers.  No one is quite sure why.  We’ve been trying to sort things out with the Egyptian government.  As you might imagine, they’re a bit annoyed that some of their relics are sitting at the bottom of the ocean.”

“That’s awful,” Emma said.

“Yes.”  Ian shook his head and then smiled.  “But that’s for the lawyers and Anthropology to figure out.  None of our concern.”

He led her over to the staff elevator behind Alex.  She resisted the urge to wave goodbye to the mastodon as she had done when she was a little girl.  Aside from her closest friend Becky Beech, Alex’s presence had reassured her after her parents had died, when the rest of the world had been in flux.  That the mastodon was still here made her smile as she had back then.

The staff elevator wasn’t much different than the regular patron elevator, except that it had more buttons.  These went from the fourth floor executive offices all the way down to something labeled as the “Sub-Subbasement.”  Ian pressed the button for the third floor department offices.

The corridor was a dingy white; some of the lights flickered overhead.  The tiles were scuffed and in some places chipped from repeated use and abuse.  She wondered when the department offices had last undergone a renovation; probably long before she was born.  Still, this didn’t dampen her enthusiasm as she followed Ian down the corridor, past frosted glass doors with labels like, “Metallurgy Division” and “Gemstone Division.”

They finally stopped at the door marked “Exogeology Division.”  Ian opened the door for her.  The state of the office prompted Emma to gasp.  Piles of books and journals took up the worktables and the desk in the room was nearly invisible from the amount of folders and loose papers on top of it. 

“I’m afraid your predecessor wasn’t the neatest sort,” Ian said.

Dr. Walter Brighton

A door to the left opened and out of it stumbled an old man with wild white hair, at least a three-day growth of stubble, and the bulbous red nose of an alcoholic.  If these signs weren’t enough to indicate the man had a problem with alcohol, the smell of his breath was almost enough to make Emma gag.

“What’s going on here?” the man said.  “Who the hell is this?”

“Hello, Walter,” Ian said.  “This is Dr. Emma Earl.  She’s your new researcher.”

The man’s watery gray eyes narrowed at Emma, who took an involuntary step back.  “This girl is the one you’ve hired?  Has she even finished high school yet?”

“Dr. Earl has a PhD in Geology from the University of California at Berkeley.  She’s more than qualified for the position,” Ian said.  The iciness of his voice prompted Emma to take another step back into the doorway.  “The director and I think she will be a welcome addition to our team.”

“Is that what we’ve come down to now?  Hiring pubescent girls and calling them doctors?”  The man shook his head.  “Good thing I’m almost to retirement.”

With that, the man turned and slammed the door to his office.  Emma stood in the doorway, and barely held back tears.  Ever since she’d enrolled at Northwestern at age fourteen, she’d been the butt of jokes for being a kid.  She had hoped things might be different here, but clearly that wasn’t the case.

Ian put a hand on her shoulder.  “I’m sorry about Dr. Brighton.  He used to be quite the scholar back in the day.”

“Yes.  I’ve read some of his papers,” she said.  “They were very good.”

“He hasn’t been the same since his wife died.  Won’t be much longer now until we’ll have to force him to retire.”  Ian smiled at her.  “He shouldn’t give you too much of a problem, though, so long as you don’t bother him.  If it gets to be too much, you come and see me.  My office is right at the end of the hall.”

“Thank you, s—Ian.”

“You’re welcome, lass.  And good luck.”

He left her among the ruins of the office.  With a sigh, she started to clean up the place.

Phony Photos 2: Now & Then

In the first-ever Phony Photos last week, people couldn't believe my book geek Val could grow up to be a bad-ass soldier.  So here you go, here's the proof:

Before:

Val at 13

And this is her all growed up:

She still doesn't look extremely bad-ass I suppose; I mean she still has the freckles and she's smiling.  She could still kick my ass, though.  Actually the neck is a little too long.  The camouflage is one of those things I downloaded and looks pretty neat except for the neck area.

Just for the heck of it, here's her in her formal uniform, which is actually an airline pilot's uniform someone designed:

See, the neck isn't as long on that one so it looks a little better.  Her hair is shorter but in the context of the story it's because when she's out in the field she's not getting it cut so it gets longer.  Though it's still short, because Val's supposed to be kind of butch about that. 

Anyway, that's probably more than you ever wanted to know on that subject.

Instead of a Two-Fer, tomorrow is going to be a BIG SURPRISE (no, it's not the book being for sale, grrr...)...

Guest Post: The Grumpy Bulldog: Political Deja Vu

The Grumpy Bulldog is doing another guest post, mostly because I'm bored.  A couple weeks ago when I talked politics there was one thing I left out and what's happened with the Romney campaign this week helps to back up my thinking.

What this 2012 election for president is reminding me a lot of, especially lately, is the Michigan gubernatorial race back in 2006.  Long before the economy tanked in the rest of the country the economy in Michigan had already gone down the tubes.  Because of this, the governor at the time--Democrat Jennifer Granholm--wasn't all that popular.  Besides the economy, being a woman probably didn't help just like being half-black doesn't help Obama with a lot of voters.

Going into the election it seemed to me it should be a slam-dunk for the Republicans.  I mean the economy is in the crapper and governor's approval ratings aren't great and about the only accomplishment she could cite is setting up a "Cool Cities" initiative.  Even though Michigan is traditionally a "blue state" with the unions and such it had been in Republican hands from 1990-2002, so a return to that seemed likely.

Unfortunately for the Republicans, the guy who bought the party's nomination that year was Dick de Vos.  You can make a lot of comparisons between de Vos and Mitt Romney.  While both have a connection to the state and both are successful businessmen, they both have the charisma of Kristen Stewart--which is to say none at all.  While Romney has the whole Mormon thing people don't talk about too loudly but you know is in the back of their minds, de Vos's handicap is that his successful business was Amway.

A lot of de Vos's energy then was spent defending Amway in the same way Romney's had to spend energy defending his Bain Capital days.  Exporting jobs to China was a big thing in both cases.

Anyway, between the lack of relatability because of his wealth and lack of natural charm and the whole Amway connection, what should have been a slam-dunk became a fairly large loss.  I think it boiled down to while people didn't like Granholm, the alternative wasn't any better.

For my part I decided to just wash my hands of the whole thing.  I voted for the Libertarian candidate because I didn't like Granholm but I didn't like de Vos either.  So screw 'em both was my thought.  Then no matter who won I could still complain about it, right?

The point of this is that I think a lot of the same thing is happening nationally in 2012.  A lot of people don't really like the job Obama is doing (I am not one of those) but they don't see the alternative as any better.  I read in a Yahoo! article that 75% of people surveyed found Romney unrelatable, versus 60% for Obama.  So obviously Americans don't like either guy all that much but they dislike Romney more for all the reasons I gave above.

The "47% speech" that came out this week has not helped the situation for the Romney camp.  When people already think you're a rich snob it's not good to get caught calling 47% of the country a bunch of freeloaders.

Unlike some pundits I don't think the 47% video is going to sink Romney right away, but it's just another piece of a damning puzzle of failure.  It's part of the likability issue that is going to continue to plague him no matter how many diners he goes to without a tie and how often he has his wife say nice things about him.  In the end politics in the 21st Century are as much about image as anything, something that helped Obama the first time and George W in 2000 and 2004 and it's really hard to change your image with seven weeks left to go.

Just as an addendum it's kind of funny that while de Vos lost in 2006 the next Michigan governor, Rick Snyder, had a lot of the same attributes, except no connection to Amway.  But what he did right was to start off with the goofy "It's Time for a Nerd" commercials in 2010.  Those were kind of funny and helped him avoid the likability pitfall de Vos fell into, even though I don't think Snyder is any more charismatic.  Showing a sense of humor would probably help Romney more in these final weeks.  And maybe do a tearful interview on Fox "News" about whatever trauma a rich white guy faces.  "And then I found out the wine was only from 1965, not 1905, boo hoo hoo!"  "And then I realized the maid had shrunk my silk boxers right before the horse show, sob sob sob!"

Here, I'm going to reassure Michael Offutt about who I'm voting for:

Yes that's my car.  Like I say the good thing about the magnet is I can take it off after the election easily.

Monday is still more Phony Photo Phun...

Book Review: The Changing Seasons by Paul L. Madden

A few months ago Michael Offutt wrote a review of my book Virgin Territory and called it depressing.  Well, The Changing Seasons ups the ante on depressing by a factor of ten.  Basically over four seasons the main character's life is completely destroyed.

The first chapter is kind of a James Joyce-ian chronicle of a typical day in the life of Floyd Jensen.  It's really not a very interesting life as we see.  Floyd goes from his apartment to the mail room of the local chemical conglomerate, where he spends his day mindlessly shuffling around the building to put envelopes in people's inboxes.  Then he goes to school at the local university, where he's working on a degree in Literature that even he knows is worthless.

The next day then gets off to a terrible start.  Floyd's doctor's appointment runs late, which prompts him to drive like a maniac to school to get there in time for an exam.  Except of course he gets a speeding ticket, putting him even further behind.  So when he finally gets to school he's running at full speed--right into a young woman.  That's where his day--and his life--take a turn for the better.

The young woman is named Abby and despite that Floyd runs into her like a linebacker and hurts her ankle, she wants to see him again.  So begins a very awkward courtship.  Floyd and Abby are both shy and pretty clueless about dating.  Plus they're both hiding a dark secret.

Despite finding perhaps true love, Floyd still has a lot of other problems in his life.  His irresponsible brother Todd is getting married to an unpleasant girl named Angela, who is also carrying Todd's child.  Floyd's father suffered a stroke about a year ago and his health is declining rapidly.  And it turns out Abby's mother--an executive at the company where Floyd works--hates Floyd, seeing him as not good enough for her daughter.

From there things really begin to unravel for poor Floyd.  It gets to the point where he contemplates suicide, but can't quite bring himself to do it.  So yeah it gets pretty dark.  It's definitely not something you want to read on the beach.

A couple of other little nitpicks.  I couldn't help thinking Floyd is kind of a dick.  Throughout the book he's constantly looking down on his older brother, as if his life is so much better.  Come on dude, wake up and smell the coffee already!  Abby is a little too perfect; I kind of doubted a girl like her could exist in real life.  If she did, I'd love to get her phone number!  And in terms of writing it really uses "and" too much.  Every other sentence seems like "this and that" AND so forth.  See what I'm doing there?  It gets a little annoying if you notice it.

Still it's a good coming of age story, especially if you're in the mood for something a little darker.

That is all.

Phony Photos return on Monday...hooray?.

Everyday Heroes #4: Quick Thinking Saves Lives

For this month's Everyday Hero I'm reprinting an entry Michael Offutt wrote on his blog recently.  He and his co-workers are Everyday Heroes this month for their quick thinking in getting a co-worker to a hospital when she suffered a brain aneurysm.

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I have a friend named Joe that I haven't seen in years. We don't keep in touch anymore. He moved on, and so did I. But I remember the day Joe's dad died of a brain aneurysm. He had been working and reported that he suddenly felt a sharp pain in the back of his head. As if someone had struck him with a hammer. He made a phone call, got progressively worse within minutes of the event, and went unconscious soon after. He was dead in something like 25 minutes. It's that deadly, and that serious. Doctors reported that the vessel that burst near the back of his head caused blood to pool in the brain with such tremendous pressure, there was something like 400-pounds crushing his spinal column.

Well yesterday, I saw this happen to a woman with whom I work. It was morning, we were starting our meeting (it happens once a year and we had it at a local park), and this woman got up from her chair, staggered, and fell down next to a tree. I asked, "What's going on there?" And I was told she had a bad headache. Someone was looking in their purse for some Advil. I said, "headaches don't make people stagger like that. Where is it?" They said, "the back of her head." I said, "I think this is very serious." When I said that, the Manager in charge, dropped everything and acted upon it.

Someone went over, helped the lady to the car, and started driving her to the hospital. It got worse and worse and they called an ambulance. I found out later that day that she indeed had suffered a brain aneurysm. But because of swift thinking on everyone's part, and being in the heart of Salt Lake City where there are excellent medical facilities and some of the best neurosurgeons in the country, she has (I think) a good chance of beating this thing. At least I hope so.

My point in telling you this is not to scare you. But it is to tell you first-hand from someone that has now been around this thing twice, if you or someone you are watching complains of a sudden, severe headache that starts at the back of the head (like someone hit them with a hammer), and it's staggering, you need to drop everything RIGHT NOW. This is a life and death situation. Don't dismiss it. Don't go and grab some Advil or some Excedrin. And don't say, "this person must be faking this as a joke." You call 911 without hesitation.

Just as a disclaimer, I'm not a medical professional. I don't have medical training. But I know what I've seen, and I'm passing it on to you.

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Good job with the quick thinking there, guys!  That's how you too can be an Everyday Hero.  As I said last month, when someone is in distress, don't just stand there like an idiot.  Get involved!  I mean come on, you'd never see Batman just standing there while someone's dying, right?

Tomorrow I review The Changing Seasons by Paul L. Madden...

UPDATE

Finally I can tell you to go to my publisher's new website because finally they got it online and finally they put my book back on the Coming Soon page--at the bottom of course.  As far as when it'll ever get released, we've hit yet another snag as they have to track down the "proofreader" who as Michael Offutt tells me is the person who makes sure the thing doesn't look all fucked up on your Kindle, Nook, Kobo, etc.

[Grumpy Bulldog sighs, shakes head sadly]

Two-Fer Tuesday #21: Smooth Operator

It's Tuesday, which means another Two Fer Tuesday.  If you're not acquainted with the rules, I use a random number generator to pick a page and paragraph to pluck two sentences from.  Let's see what we get this week.

Page Number: 16
Paragraph Number: 17

Dan is such a playa...

Dr. Dreyfus nearly tripped over his feet and blushed again.  “I’m sorry. 


Tomorrow another Everyday Hero is crowned...

New Feature: Phony Photos

Friday I posted some of my Sims portraits and then said maybe I'd start a blog or something.  Then I remembered I had plenty of space on this blog.  So here we go, every Monday--unless there's a guest post or something--you get a picture and a description.

The temptation was to start with the main character from A Hero's Journey, but I posted a couple pictures of Emma on Friday.  So I'll do something completely unrelated.

This is Val, a main character in a novella I wrote recently.  In this picture she's about 13 years old.  What I like about it is I think she has just the right amount of geekiness for this point in the story between the glasses, freckles, hair and clothes.  The hair and clothes I think also work for the time period, which is supposed to be like late '50s or so.  From this picture, you probably wouldn't guess that she ends up becoming a bad-ass soldier, right?

What do you think?

Tomorrow is another Two-Fer...

Insane Rambling & A Beauty Contest

My insanity reached new heights a couple weeks ago when I got a new scanner/copier/color printer (thanks Amazon!) and some photo paper from Wal-Mart.  I needed something to test the photo paper on so just for grins I decided to print out one of my character portraits from the Sims 2.  And actually they don't look half-bad.  They look better on 4x6 paper than the 8x10 just because there's less pixelation.

Anyway, looking at this, what really annoyed me about what I printed out were the eyebrows.  They looked like she had caterpillars glued to her forehead.  So then I thought, "Why don't I go download better ones?"  Hurm...

So I went to the one website to download some non-caterpillar-looking eyebrows and remade the character I'd printed, who looks pretty awesome, at least I think.

Then I got to thinking, why haven't I ever bothered to create a new Emma Earl Sim based on all the spiffy new stuff I downloaded?  Yeah, really, how could I forget something like that?

OK, so now for the beauty contest portion.  Which Emma do you prefer:

The original model:

Original Emma

Or new, possibly improved Emma?

New, possibly improved Emma!

And while I'm at it, which Stacey Chance do you think looks better?  This one with caterpillar eyebrows and longer hair:

Or the new, possibly improved Stacey?

New, possibly improved Stacey!

Vote now!

You know I was actually thinking I should go work up a bunch of these and find some art gallery to post them as like an art show.  It's better than a lot of "art" I've seen hung in galleries.  I mean at least my portraits are vaguely real-looking and not just a line on a canvas or soup cans painted funny colors.  Take that, modern art!  First though I might just post a bunch on another blog.  Maybe I could even let you people vote for your favorites.  Not that you will, but you could.  I'm just saying.

(I need to get more sleep.)

The next post, barring any more insane rambling, will be Tuesday!

Book Review: Forever Young by Claire Lachance

Did you ever watch that M. Night Whatshisface movie "The Village?"  Neither did I, but there is somewhat of a similar premise involved in Forever Young by Claire Lachance.  Maybe also a little of Tuck Everlasting or something too; it's been a while since I read that.

Anyway, the story begins with a 10-year-old girl washing up on an island.  When she wakes up, she has no idea who she is or how she came to be on the island.  The kindly Miss Brigham gives the girl the name Samantha Young.  Why that and not Jane Doe?  Hurm...

Once Samantha is able to get up and around, she notices something very strange about the island.  There are about 50 other children but only three adults:  Miss Brigham, the nasty Mr. Pryde, and the head man Reverend Crane.  The children do most of the work on the island to grow food, take care of the livestock, cut firewood, and so forth.  Their technology is pretty much on par with the Amish, with no boats no phones no motorcars--not a single luxury.  That seems odd to Samantha, but she can't understand why at first.

Samantha quickly makes friends with Prudence, a shy fat girl who handles all of the island's sewing.  Prudence helps Samantha understand the strict code everyone lives under, called The Way by Reverend Crane.  Try as she might, Samantha can't seem to avoid getting into trouble with the reverend and his rules.  Making things tougher is that Samantha is the only one on the island with darker skin, making her an immediate target for bullying, at least until she fights back using kung-fu skills she didn't know she possessed.

As time goes by, Samantha begins to remember some things, aided by a stash of books she uncovers.  This helps her to see that there's something not quite kosher about Reverend Crane or what he's doing on the island.  But what's his secret?  Hurm...

Anyway, this is a pretty short book that moves along at a good clip.  Since a reverend is the bad guy it's probably not for devout religious people, which was fine with me.  The writing is nothing special, but there aren't too many errors, which is always good.  And even though she's only 10, Samantha kicks a lot more ass than Bella Swan.  And hey, it's only 99 cents so even if you don't like it, you're not out a lot.  I'm just saying. 


Tuesday is another Two-Fer...

WINNERS

The winner of the Superhero Trivia question today was Neil Vogler, who correctly deduced that Mary Jane Watson had first spoken the line indicated.  As Tony Laplume noted, Marvel early on had some fascination with calling people "tiger."  Those were the days.

The winner of the $1 participation prize chosen by random number generator is Michael Offutt.  Don't spend it all in one place.

Congratulations!  Be sure to tune in October 10th for the next trivia question with your chance to win!  (Unless you're Andrew Leon or Neil Vogler, who are both disqualified from winning next month's question.)

Grumpy Bulldog salutes you!

Superhero Trivia Question #5

It's the second Wednesday of the month and so today is the superhero trivia question.  I'm taking these from 1001 Comic Book Trivia Questions by Rich Meyer.  If you have a problem with the question or answer, it's his fault.

This one is going to be super easy.  I even gave you a hint with the picture.

Which famous character's first line was:  "Let's face it...you hit the jackpot, Tiger!"
A.  Gwen Stacey
B.  Mary Jane Watson
C.  May Parker
D.  Lois Lane
E.  None of the Above

Answer in the comments.  First one to get it right gets a $5 gift card to Amazon in their email or Facebook.  If you aren't first, never fear!  One respondent will be selected by random number generator to receive a $1 gift card.  Yes, you can give $1 gift cards.  Buy yourself a cheap eBook or MP3 or use it to get a dollar off something else.  The winner for this will be announced tomorrow.  The same person cannot win both gift cards because while that would be more convenient for me it wouldn't really be fair for everyone else.

Also I've decided on what I call the "Andrew Leon Rule" where the same person cannot win the trivia question each month.  So if you win this month you won't be eligible to win the $5 for another 3 months (until November).  But you can still win the $1 participation prize.  Briane Pagel is disqualified for winning July's question and the aforementioned Andrew Leon is disqualified for winning August's.

Good luck!!!

Tomorrow I review Forever Young by Claire Lachance...

Two-Fer Tuesday #20: Obnoxious Old People

It's Tuesday, which means another Two Fer Tuesday.  If you're not acquainted with the rules, I use a random number generator to pick a page and paragraph to pluck two sentences from.  Let's see what we get this week.

Page Number: 35
Paragraph Number: 14

Old people can be so annoying....

Emma backed away from the sink so that the old woman could wash her hands.  She wanted to leave, but the old woman continued to talk. 

Tomorrow is another edition of Superhero Trivia Challenge! By popular vote the question is now at 9AM EST, so better set your alarm...

Trivial Trivia News

Just a reminder that Wednesday is the next Superhero Trivia question, where you can win $5 or $1 just for commenting!  By popular vote the time of the question has moved to 9am EST, so be sure to get up early for it.  This month's question is going to be so easy that maybe for once someone can win it within 30 minutes of the question posting.

I was really hoping this morning I could say my publisher had finally put up their new website, which would be a big step to getting my book out there, but sadly there's nothing to report yet.  I heard whenever it does get finished they're going to put all their ebooks on sale for 99 cents, so you'll be able to scoop up some bargains.  You can keep checking here to see if it ever does go online.  And under the Coming Soon you should see Rusty's cover still with no description.

This is what I will want to do to medical science...

Tomorrow don't expect any of my scintillating comments on your blogs for a while.  I'm remembering 9/11 by getting a camera jammed down my esophagus, which requires putting me under for a few hours.  After the choking incident I recounted here I've been having trouble swallowing so tomorrow they're going to peek inside and tell me there's nothing wrong and it's all in my head because that's all medical science seems to be good for unless it's something blatantly obvious like I'm gushing blood from a cut on my leg or something.  I mean real life medicine is absolutely nothing like House.  It's mostly you go to a doctor who sends you to another doctor a few days later who makes you wait a few more days for some stupid test and then you have to go back to the doctor a few more days later to tell you nothing and send you for another test a couple of weeks later and so on and so on.  I'm just saying.

Anyway, if through horrific negligence I die on the table the question still posts on Wednesday but you'll need a medium to try and collect your prizes.

Yup it's Monday and I'm tired and grumpy.  Damn you Adult Swim for moving Robot Chicken to midnight on Sundays!  I should figure out how to get the VCR to work.

Guest Post: The Grumpy Bulldog: It's Not Just About ME

With the two political conventions the last two weeks I can't resist doing a political post, despite that I promised myself not to rant about politics on this blog.  So sue me.  Anyway, it's time now for my alter-ego the Grumpy Bulldog to come out of the doghouse with some political thoughts.

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During the Republican convention, Mitt Romney and his cronies tried to draw back on that old Reagan line of "Are you better off than you were 4 years ago?"  (This despite that the only similarity between Reagan and Romney is dyeing their hair.)  Then the Democrats took up that question and people took to Twitter with hash tags and stuff.

Is the Grumpy Bulldog better off than 4 years ago?  NO!  I mean besides time's continual march onward making me older, balder, and fatter, I'm not really better off than four years ago.  The company I work for is going to be out of business in about two years because the UAW program I work for got axed in the last deal with GM.  (Though really we'd probably have been out of business 3 years ago if Romney had gotten his way.)

So obviously I'm not better off than I was at this time in 2008.  That means I have to vote for Romney, right?  Um, no.  See because the problem so many people have in casting their vote is thinking it's only about ME instead of what's good for America as a whole.

Republicans especially love to prey on this selfishness.  There's a billboard on I-75 by Detroit that says, "Obama Supports Abortion and Gay Marriage, Do You?--Vote Republican."  The implication there is that if you don't like abortion or gay marriage then you have to vote Republican.  Which to me is bullshit.

OK, to be honest I don't "like" abortion.  I'm not going around screaming, "Wooo, Abortions!!!  Yeah, let's kill us some fetuses!!!"  But I understand (thanks in large part to The Cider House Rules by John Irving) that it's a complex issue.  Banning abortions for everyone just because I personally do not support them is far too simplistic for the world we live in.

As for gay marriage, why the fuck shouldn't we allow it?  What, because some book from 2000 years ago maybe says it's bad?  The same book that includes incest, rape, and murder to please an invisible entity?  The same book where that invisible entity kills a man's family and destroys his life just to win a bet with the devil?  Anyway, why should Kim Kardashian be able to marry some guy she barely knows but two guys or two girls who are in love and have known each other forever not be able to get married?  How does that make sense?  Or to use the somewhat cynical argument from my book Where You Belong, marriage can be fucked up no matter where your genitals are.

Besides that, neither of these issues really affect me personally.  I'm not going to get any women knocked up.  And I'm sure as hell not ever going to need an abortion.  I'm not going to marry any dudes either.  So really, why the hell should I vote for someone just because of those issues?

But to get back more to my point, I hate that people do let these kind of issues determine their vote.  I especially hate when people think, "I don't like abortion, so no abortions for anyone!"  Or "I don't like gays so they can't have the same rights as everyone else!"  Who the hell are you to decide that for millions of other people?  Get over yourself!

So that's what I'm saying when I talk about it's not just about ME and whether I'm better off or which candidate I think better reflects MY values.  It's about who I think is better for everyone in America as a whole.  And I think the better guy is the one who's inclusive, rather than the one who's exclusive.  Because America is about freedom and if our leaders don't believe in freedom then what the hell good are they?

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Another thing I wanted to bring up is a little historical nugget I thought of.  Back during the onset of the Depression, Herbert Hoover was president.  Hoover was a pro-business Republican, which was fine in the Roaring 20s but did shit for America when the stock market tanked and the economy collapsed.  Hoover's response to the Depression was largely to do nothing.  He touted that Americans' "rugged individualism" would pull them through.  Which it obviously didn't, so they elected FDR, who believed the government should take a more active role in the situation, which actually didn't do all that much better.

Anyway, it occurred to me that the whole Tea Party thing is really a return to Hooverism.  All this small government stuff they tout is the same "rugged individualism" Hoover championed.  That kind of thing might sound great until you lose your job, get evicted from your home, and have to dig through garbage cans for food.  Back in 1930-31 or so, people who lost their homes founded tent/shack cities they called Hoovervilles.  That's rugged individualism for you.  It didn't work in 1932 and it's not going to work in 2012 either.

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Something else while I'm venting all this stuff is I went on vacation in July up to Petoskey, Michigan.  (It's near the top of the mitten.)  Driving around I kept seeing these bumper stickers and billboards saying, "Defend Freedom, Vote Against Obama!"  To me this is just like the Birther crap, the "Obama 2016" mockumentary, and all these other conspiracy theories floating around.  And I think to myself, "What has this man actually DONE to warrant that much hate?"

I mean when you say "Defend Freedom" what freedoms have been infringed in the last 3+ years?  Your freedom to go bankrupt should you need a costly operation because you don't have medical insurance?  I get so tired of all this paranoid "Manchurian Candidate" crap.  He's a Kenyan Muslim!  He's a secret Communist!  He's an alien parasite from the planet Xenu!  Sorry, but there's no actual, factual evidence to support any of that shit.  I don't care if you're rich like Donald Trump, you still come off sounding like the paranoid guy wearing a tinfoil hat so the government can't read his thoughts.  It's sad then to think these people's vote counts just as much as mine.

Strangely though all these tinfoil hat wearers don't seem to have any problem electing a guy who's a leader in a religion that believes the Garden of Eden was in Missouri, there were white Native Americans before the real Native Americans, God lives on another planet, and all the other crazy hoodoo the Mormons believe.  You don't even need a tinfoil hat for that; it's a fact!  (Or facts I learned from "South Park" and "Religulous" at least.)  Ironically if I went about screaming about that stuff all those tinfoil hat wearers would call me a bigot.  Just like if I say they're racist dolts they'd say I'm racist against white people.  (That seriously happened in 2008.)

Anyway, I guess the overall point is I wish we lived in a country where people could think rationally and look at the big picture instead of coloring everything with their own prejudices.

Tuesday is still a Two-Fer, not that you care...

Book Review: First Contact by Eric Filler

This is some good old-fashioned space opera, even if it's not particularly well-written.  But at 99 cents, how much can you really complain about it?  Well if you're some people, a lot.  I mean some people complain about a book they got for FREE, the old looking the gift horse in the mouth.

Anyway, the story begins with two starships arriving at an uninhabited planet.  (And since this is not "hard" science-fiction there's no explanation of the faster-than-light travel method they use or anything like that.)  Captain Lisa Shaw is in command of the expedition, though she feels slighted to be sent out into the middle of nowhere for years on what should be a milk run.

Except things get more interesting than she ever imagined.  Not long after the humans arrive and begin surveying the planet, an alien ship appears in the system!  Lisa and her crew go through all the standard first contact stuff of trying to send greetings and whatnot, but it soon becomes apparent these aliens are not interested in exchanging messages by musical scales or cave drawings or anything like that.

No, the aliens open fire and within minutes Lisa's ship is destroyed.  She's prepared to go down with the ship, but is saved by Ensign Jack Laurants, who assures her she's needed down on the surface.  A few others of the bridge crew survive as well, but most of the ship's crew is dead, for which Lisa blames herself.

Not much later on the surface, the human ground soldiers of the expedition come under attack by alien warriors.  It's then the alien agenda becomes clear:  they want to use the humans as food!  Though they aren't carving them up like cattle.  The aliens have a much different way of eating, more akin to vampires, though they don't sparkle.

From there the human survivors have to find a way to escape from the aliens and get back to Earth to warn them of the threat.

As I said at the beginning, the writing is not great.  It's pretty amateurish and there are of course typographical errors and such.  But again it was a dollar, so what are you expecting?  The story obviously borrows from a lot of other space opera-type things like Star Wars, Star Trek, Robotech, and maybe a little V--the 80s version.  It's a fun light read.

You can buy the book from Amazon here!

Tuesday is another Two-Fer...

Comic Captions 3: Death's Dark Knight

While a lot of other people are spending today whining in their "support group" I prefer to have a little fun.  Hence, Comic Captions, where you rewrite the dialog in a panel of a comic book.  Pretty easy and fun if you actually try it.

This month's is taken from Azrael #1 (of the 2009 or so series):

And now to get the ball rolling, here's my attempt:

"Tim Tebow ain't shit to me!"

 That one probably works better if you know who Tim Tebow is.  Just ask Michael Offutt, the Tebow cult initiate.  Another Tebow-related one might be:  "Sure Tebow circumcized a bunch of babies, but did he do it with a flaming sword?  Game, set, match."

Anyway, now you try.  Don't be shy, just post the first thing that comes to mind.

Tomorrow I review the space opera First Contact by Eric Filler...

Two-Fer Tuesday #19: Say My Name

It's Tuesday, which means another Two Fer Tuesday.  If you're not acquainted with the rules, I use a random number generator to pick a page and paragraph to pluck two sentences from.  Let's see what we get this week.

Page Number: 55
Paragraph Number: 21

Say my name, say my name...

“Just a moment.  Did you say your name is Emma Earl?”

Tomorrow is another edition of Comic Captions!  Start warming up your funny bones...

Guest Post: Christian Porter: The Art of the Start!

Today we welcome Christian Porter, author of Shadow Precinct!  Take it away, Christian!

If you are reading this right now, and you have an idea about writing a story, please stop here and start there.  That small idea that you had about zombie dinosaurs isn’t going to write itself and then turn itself into a romantic comedy.  I want to impart upon you a very valuable lesson that I learned while trying to write my first novel.  You have to commit yourself to the story.  It’s an opportunity for you to attempt to convey a vision.  You’re watching the story play out in your mind, and you’re trying to take the reader to the place that you’ve created for their imagination.  That’s a very cool responsibility to have.   

After I had amassed a good amount of background and research material, and created an outline, I started to connect the major plot points with the delicious meat of my story.  Mmm.  Taste like Soylent Green.   Spoiler Alert!  It really is a snowball effect when you begin to put idea to paper.  It becomes fun to see where the story goes, even more so because it’s fluid.  You are in control.  Like a lucid dream that actually makes sense.  I think you’re onto something when you are genuinely excited to see how the ideas progress and grow.   Sometimes it’s in ways that you wouldn’t have expected.  That’s the awesome thing about writing.

If you’re anything like me, when you have an idea it has a way of digging deep into your brain and taking root.  Embrace that.  I’m not saying go into the woods and grow a lumberjack beard in pursuit of inspiration.  No one needs you going crazy and asking a grizzly bear what his wi-fi password is (the one called I’z Eats People should have tipped you off).  Write a couple lines here and there, describe a setting, come up with some character names.  I bet at least one of those takes hold and you begin to write more.  And more.  And more.  And down the creativity rabbit hole we go.  

So if you have made it to the closing and aren’t writing the new epic series that tells the tale of robots trapped…in love, then what are you waiting for?  I can’t reach through the internet and write down a sentence for you.  No one can.  Maybe he can, but seriously no one else.  You’ve got to take the onus on yourself.  Also, use cool words like onus.  It’s always extremely beneficial to have a tight circle of folks that encourage you through your process, but never lose sight that this is your creation.  You should be excited to let the reader into your world of dreams.  Or nightmares.  The choice is yours, and that’s why it’s so great.    

Thanks, Christian.  If you want to buy Shadow Precinct, you can get it from the publisher for $2 off with this coupon code:  SPCP201209PROMO

                   

Back by no demand tomorrow is Two-Fer Tuesday!