Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Grumpy Bulldog Contemplates the Gathering Darkness

The late Butler Blue II looking contemplative...
I think everyone else I know will be whining on their blog today, so I thought I might as well whine too.  Or rant.  Or maybe it's a whiny rant.  Whatever.

When it comes to a lot of stuff writers are "supposed" to do, I just don't care anymore.  Like query letters.  I sometimes read people's attempts on and think, "Ugh, this is so fucking stupid."  The whole dance you're supposed to go through, the performance you're supposed to do for some agent's intern is just ridiculous.  My tolerance is even less since I got laid off from my job, because looking for a job is almost exactly the same thing.  Trying to wow some complete stranger as concisely as possible is a real chore.

Then there's all that other crap:  interviews, cover reveals, blog tours, yadda yadda yadda.  Holy shit, where's the Tylenol?  Back when I released Where You Belong and when A Hero's Journey was published I naively did all that shit thinking it would help.  Maybe it did a little bit, but for the effort it probably wasn't worth it.  I didn't hardly do any of that shit with Chance of a Lifetime and it's my most-downloaded book.  I don't do any of it for my erotica books and they sell a lot better.  So who needs all that noise?

And then there's sites promising to promote your book if you join and possibly pay them money.  It would take too long to list them and I'm sure I'd only scratch the surface but you probably know the kind of places I'm talking about.  I think I tried a few of those back in the day and again, what good did it do?

And "book reviewer" blogs.  These petty little assholes who get one sniff of power and let it go straight to their head by making you jump through a bunch of hoops like they're fucking Random Penguin House.  Oh and if they deem you worthy enough to read your book, you can expect your review to be posted around 2020.  I submitted A Hero's Journey to a bunch of those and I have no fucking idea if any of them ever got around to reading it yet.  I'm pretty sure they didn't, so it was another big waste of time.

I could go on and on with this shit.  I never had much enthusiasm for the marketing part of the business and now I have even less.  Most of it seems like a big waste of time.

But then I can't even hardly stomach to read some poor schmuck's attempted writing on  A lot of it is pretty lame to start with and at this point I'm just way to cynical and grumpy to care.

As far as writing advice goes I only have one thing to say:  find a niche and exploit it as much as possible.  That's what I've been doing for about 9 months now.  Putting it another way:  find a formula that works and stick with it.  Generally the erotica books I write that don't sell are ones that are too far outside the box.  Like lately I decided to do a reverse one and have a woman turn into a guy, thinking maybe I could open a second front, but it hasn't sold for shit.  Basically the people want a guy who turns into a hot, slutty chick (usually blond) who fucks/gets fucked by one or many dudes.  There's the formula; don't stray too far from it.  Be a writer, not an artist.  Unless you have a fancy writing degree and then there's a slight chance someone in New York will actually give a shit about your Great American Novel.  Just don't get your hopes up.

Speaking of marketing, one thing I occasionally do is offer books for free.  Usually books that haven't sold a lot so at least some copies might be downloaded.  Today through Sunday you can get Transformed Into a Dominatrix and Transformed Into a Bride for Free!  As I've said before, even if you don't want to read it, download it anyway to help pad my numbers.

In Transformed Into a Dominatrix a CIA agent swaps brains with the dominatrix of a Russian gangster in order to bring him in.  Or at least that's the plan, but soon enough things go horribly wrong.  In the second story, a man buys a teddy from a lingerie shop that soon takes over his life!

In Transformed Into a Bride, a con artist gets his comeuppance when he's turned into a gold-digger who has to get her decrepit husband to the altar before he croaks.  In the second story, a homeless man volunteers for a medical experiment that turns him into a young woman who's groomed to become a mail order bride!

Go download them now!


  1. Wow. I hope your day gets better from here.

    I'm through giving books away for free. I don't even get reviews out of it so it's not worth the effort it takes to do a free Kindle day. Once I went and listed one of my books on about 35 sites that promote free books; I started it a month in advance and entered all the info etc.etc. and I gave away about 100 or 150 free copies or something, and got NO REVIEWS, even, plus no uptick in sales.

    You know, you could do your formula stuff and then do your fun writing on the side; you actually seem like you're turning the erotica into a good business model. You're like the Babysitters' Club of erotica!

    When are you going to start "Transformed Into [Celebrity]"?

    What about DOUBLE transformations? Transformed into twins? Triplets? Seems like there's something there.

    1. Transformed Into Twins could be pretty awesome.

  2. Yeah, I decided right at the very beginning that I was not going to play a part in that whole query/agent game. It's messed up.
    But I've decided more recently that book review bloggers are just as bad. They act like the writer owes them something, like they are something special. And you know what, writers give them that power by grovelling to them, "Please, please, please read and review my book! Here's my first born!"

    Dude, I'm the creator. You're just some puny eunuch watching from the doorway wishing you had a brain that worked for anything other than "fangirling."

    I've actually been planning a post about book bloggers for a while, but I haven't gotten to it, yet.

    1. I think you're the real Grumpy Bulldog.

    2. Well, except that I'm not really grumpy. It's more like a moral stand.

  3. It's hard to be a writer Pat, but book reviewers are probably only one small part of the big picture. Your Great American Novel is out there Man.

    1. My Great American Novel is called Where You Belong. You can buy it for $2.99 on Kindle and like $17.99 in paperback!

  4. Yeah, I'm not playing the big game either. I never got involved with those Book Reviewers either. I caught wind of their holier-than-thou attitudes, and I decided to stay away. Cover reveals don't do much either, and blog tours are a hassle. Hard to believe people pay other people to organize those things.

    For me, I do well with shows and in person.

  5. I agree with you about finding a nitch, but not everything is all black and white. There are a few good places you can advertise your book. Also if you ever were on the other end of submissions, you would know why they have certain guidelines.

    As for job hunting, there was one time I was drug tested before the interview. I thought that was ridiculous. I'm glad I didn't get that job. But these days even when you do get the job expect to be vetted in many ways.



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